Friends all gone quiet

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Friends all gone quiet

Postby get1 » Mon Oct 01, 2018 11:28 am

C (female) and I got married, without anyone knowing 3 years ago, went abroad. We had a nice meal with close family on return. No fuss at all. What we wanted.
Since then both our seperate sets of friends seem to have drifted from us, much more so mine. C see's her friends maybe once per year which is way less than previously. I have not seen my friends in 3 years now with no contact by text, email etc.
I have to stress there was no fall outs, arguments it has just slowly happened. As far as I'm AWARE my group of friends are not in contact with each other either.
I just find it too much of a coincedence that all close friends drifted away after we got married. I feel they may be offended they were not involved. I don't think my oldest friend knows I got married due to lack of contact.
Nothing else has changed, same jobs, not moved away etc.
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Re: Friends all gone quiet

Postby David020549 » Tue Oct 02, 2018 1:26 pm

You chose to have private wedding with no fuss and no party, nothing wrong with that although it's not surprising that your friends assumed that you wanted a private life, they aren't offended, just drifted away.
It's only 3 yrs invite them to a party, a few at a time if you need to, it's rather late for a BBQ, but a birthday or anniversary or reunion is a good excuse. You will have to make the first contact but remember we all lead busy lives these days so it's not easy to fix up, alternatively, find out where they get together, a pub or restaurant that sort of thing and either tag along or just turn up.

Best of luck
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Re: Friends all gone quiet

Postby get1 » Sat Oct 06, 2018 6:08 pm

Hi, yeh, i see what you mean but neither of us have ever been the type to arrange or have parties /nights out to celebrate birthdays. I have never had a party in 'my name' in all my life, both of us hate being centre of attention - hence the sneak away wedding and small family meal on return. Our friends of 20/30 years know this.
It's only since we got married that the drift has happened. I'm 99% certain we are the only couple our of, say 15 close friends/couples between us, that did not not do the whole big wedding thing. No photos on Facebook, gift lists, hen or stag nights. We were not looking for anything. I feel they have taken it as a snub.
Thank you.
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Re: Friends all gone quiet

Postby reckoner » Mon Oct 08, 2018 10:25 am

I completely understand why you wouldn't want a big wedding and think opting for the type of wedding you had is absolutely fair enough. That in itself would not be sufficient grounds for your friends to feel snubbed, and marriage does have a strange way of causing friend groups to slowly break apart.

But if you didn't tell them you were getting married, nor that you had got married, nor made any contact at all in the subsequent three years, then they may indeed feel snubbed, or at least, as David suggests, feel that your wife and yourself have established a line of privacy around yourselves that they find difficult to know how to tread.

Even if you're quiet private types, important news about things like getting married is something friends usually share with each other. So not even telling them about it and then making no contact at all subsequently does seem a bit extreme.

So I think the onus is now on you to re-establish contact. I think David's suggestion is an excellent one, but if you're uncomfortable with the idea of a group get-together, then suggesting it on a more individual basis works too.

But if you haven't made any contact at all since you got married then perhaps it's best to start start with some emails or social media chats. I think it would be a good idea to apologise for not having been in touch sooner.
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Re: Friends all gone quiet

Postby get1 » Wed Oct 10, 2018 2:18 pm

Hi, been thinking about this for a few days again. I think it is worth adding that when I was first married 20 years ago, it was a small, private, family wedding. Nobody drifted after that, only this time. I also wonder if it is worth mentioning we don't have kids, ALL our friends do. I wonder if that is the issue.
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Re: Friends all gone quiet

Postby David020549 » Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:25 pm

As your past friends don't contact each other, it seems to me that everybody has moved on, work and relationships have taken them in different directions, so you are in exactly the same position as they are. By all means make contact and try to arrange a reunion of some sort, but beware, if some of them are in new relationships referring to past revelries might cause upsets.
No kids will mean less in common, especially for the ladies, I don't expect baby talk is at the top of Cs agenda.
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