Do you get over it?

[Devil]

So my situation is that I completely fell for a friend, we got really close and had a sort-of "thing" for a little while (no sex though, just drunken kissing). Anyway, the friend gains admirers wherever she goes and never has a shortage of guys. She's always pulling someone or other. I find it really hard when we're out, but feel as though I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I cut her off, I lose my best friend. If I carry on as it is just now, I'm constantly taking a battering when I see her all over other people.

So, my question is, do you get over someone unless you cut them off? I don't want to not be her friend anymore because we have an awesome friendship. Yet I feel as though maybe I'm my own worst enemy by going on nights out with her when I know she'll end up with someone else?

Any thoughts from your own experiences?

[snail]

I guess you have to weigh up one thing against another - is the friendship worth the pain, or is the pain so bad it's not worth the friendship? Could you put the friendship on hold for a while until your feelings for her have lessened, then resume it?

I'm in a similar situation myself at the moment, so if anyone has any other thoughts I wouldn't mind hearing them!

[Liquid Virus]

Way I see it you have a number of choices with a number of outcomes:

You can either:

A. Tell her how you feel - she'll accept it and you'll be boyfriend/girlfriend.
B. Tell her how you feel - she'll reject it and you'll remain as you are, although you both may feel a little awkward.
C. Tell her how you feel - she'll reject it and you'll part ways.
D. Say nothing and stay as you are.
E. Back off gracefully, because you never know what happens in the future.

Will you get over it though? Of course you will. Your problems a problem but its not like you've got cancer is it?

What you have to ask yourself is is what's the likelihood of her becoming your girlfriend and if you tell her how you feel and she rejects you will you be able to handle it with good grace and just move on or will you sulk like a baby? If your going to sulk like a baby either don't ask in the first place, but I suspect that's not an option as you wouldn't be asking the question.

However if your not going to tell her have a good honest chat with yourself and ask if you can handle all the male attention? As your asking the question I'm going to assume that deep down it niggles you, so my best advice would be to back off gracefully, keep the door open and get on with your life because the reality is you never know what might transpire in the future.

What's for you doesn't go past you.

[Devil]

I realise it's not a serious problem like I'm dying, but then I guess you can write off 90% of the problems on the site with that prerogative! Just to clarify - I'm a girl. Not that it really makes much difference to the situation as a whole.

Anyway, yeah I'm having difficulty watching her with other people at the moment, but was more asking whether this gets easier with time even if you do remain friends. Is it possible to gradually get over it even when you're in close proximity, or will it always hurt unless you cut yourself off?

[dipsydoodlenoodle]

Is it possible to gradually get over it even when you're in close proximity, or will it always hurt unless you cut yourself off?

It is so long as you make sure that you know nothing will ever happen. I think deep down it will always hurt to some extent, you'll just be able to handle it better and if you find someone else you are interested in then you won't care about her male attention anymore.

[Bel Bel]

I think it will always be hard when that person is in oyur life and worse doing things with others in front of you.
i know you like her but she doesn't want the same as you and whilst that is difficult you have to realise even if she were to change her mind you would probably be as short lived as her other conquests and therefore would end up even more hurt.
You will probably always like her and have some kind of feeling but i agree that once you become interested in someone new that will fad and you really won't care as much. The problem is whilst you are going out with her you are not likely to find someone else as your whole demeanor will not be attracting others as your too busy watching and worrying about her. Maybe lessen the nights out or go out with her in the day instead.

[boaz]

Hi Devil

I'm in exactly the same position and have posted pretty much the same question ( see "Age Old Problem" on this page). If we weren't mates, I'd probably not contact her again, experience the immediate pain from that, but eventually move on. My problem, as I suspect yours is too, is that we ARE really close mates and - although I've tried to back off - she just thinks I'm being weird and starts calling me all the more. It's like I'm trapped! I have NO answer! part of me feels that she is being cruel, by drawing me in initially (very flirty, drunken sex etc), but the other side of me realises that she never promised me anything...and therefore it's my 'fault' for getting in too deep!

[ILoveChristmas]

It's amazing how many people are in the same boat. I've been in this situation for almost 2 and half years now, except that the person I have feelings for is the mother of my son, so i'm not in a position to cut her off.

All I can say is that over time you become more insulated from the effect of seeing her with someone else. I can't say even after all this time that I don't get affected by it, I do, but it affects me less than it did. So in that way I suppose it's a lot like losing a loved one when they die, you never forget them and the feelings you had for them, life just becomes easier without them over time.

If that girl knows how you feel about her and doesn't want to take things further, then my suggestion is based on how emotionally strong you are:

1. See her alone and accept that you can only be friends and avoid dredging up the past, even in your own head.
2. Accept that you can't be 'just friends' and stop talking to her.

Easier said than done of course, but in your situation i'd lay the cards on the table and tell her all. You're beating yourself up either way, so go all in and see what she says.