Ok, Here is my situation. Sorry this is long and complicated. Thanks for reading if you get through the whole thing.
I am currently living with my partner. Between us we earn enough to cover our outgoings. I have more debt than my partner, but even though I earn less than her I am still able to cover my debts by myself, whilst I share the bills and rent with my partner. This is fair and I don't want my problems to spread to her.
The problem lies here. My Mum is permanently in debt and constantly asking me for money. These are for various things ranging from not being able to pay her rent, to having to pay court fees for her car being taken away from her and points on her license. She always promises to pay me back somehow but she never does. She owes me thousands of pounds by this point as most of the debts that I owe are from helping her out with her various crises which seem to happen on a regular basis. It has gotten to the stage where I dread talking to her, because there is a 50/50 chance the conversation is going to end up costing me money and feeling horrible and stupid and like this is also my fault for letting it happen. I love my mum, but I am starting to feel very resentful and taken advantage of. I work hard but as yet have never been able to save properly for my future and never been totally out of debt. I am now in my mid 30s and desperate to be able to afford to have a child. I even have some teeth missing because I ended up giving her the money I put by for a couple of root canals.
I understand how bad it is to keep lending her money, that I am enabling her rather than helping her in the long run, because she is now in her 50s, works full time and is never going to change. I have made promises to myself time and again that I won't help her financially any more, but it is difficult when she starts crying (or the time she actually got evicted and moved into my flat whilst I was at work). She also had a heart attack last year so I am very concerned for her health. I know she feels bad about asking me for money and sometimes she will go for days at a time without proper food or electricity (she has a meter). Other times she has gotten payday loans because she has been too ashamed to ask me for help, which has just made the situation even worse. Sometimes she has not asked for help over something fairly minor and something I wouldn't have minded helping her with (like helping her get her car through its MOT), and only when the problem has grown into a giant financial mess and she is in lots of trouble, has she decided to come to me.
She does not go out much and always seems to be broke the day after she gets paid, so I am sure she isn't frivolously spending money. She hasn't smoked or drunk alcohol since her heart attack and she rarely goes out. She is not social, doesn't really have any friends and likes to be alone.
I know she has debts, and I know these are partly from years ago when she became a guarantor for my brother who then left the country, leaving her to pay off his loans. I don't think she is completely honest with me about where her money is going, even though I have tried to get her to tell me. It just doesn't add up, she can be extremely vague.
I have tried suggesting various places she can go to for help, including citizens advice and other debt advice charities and agencies. She always says she will look into it but never does. I would go myself, but I think they would want a full rundown of where her money is going and I don't know how to get that information from her.
On top of all this. I am going to immigrate later this year and am desperately trying to pay off the debts I have accumulated from helping Mum out. So far it isn't going well. she has borrowed another £700 in the past few months. I cannot help her any more, I simply can't afford it. I have promised myself I am not going to give her any more money. I am already going to move to another country with next to nothing. I don't want to leave with debts still to pay and I am really worried about what will happen to Mum if she doesn't start to manage her own finances. She doesn't really have anyone else, apart from my brother, who is more likely to want to borrow off her than help her out.
My partner is moving away in a few months (I can't follow right away for visa reasons). Without my partner's contribution I won't be able to manage these debts. I don't think Mum will ever be able to pay me back and I wish I didn't have to ask for it. I doubt she will be able to contribute. She is moving in with me when my partner moves out to try to help me until I leave, but deep down I am dreading it because I don't know what debts she is bringing with her. She wants to take over my flat when I go, which is sensible because my rent is cheaper than hers (much nicer flat too), but I will be harder to say no to her if she asks me for money.
I feel like a bad daughter if I say no and a complete mug and like I brought this on myself if I say yes. I can't win. I don't know what to do.