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Do i walk away??

Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 1:40 pm
Hey guys

In need of some advice.

Finally decided to get myself into the dating game again (not expecting much) Spoke to few different guys (online) but one stood out and we decided to meet up. I wasn't really that excited about it but as it turns out it was the most amazing date I have ever had (kinda swept me right off my little feet)

He was super keen but not in a creepy way. After few a month he asking me to be his but I did say not rushing into anything. We were dating but just us. He invited me to meet his family, to his on xmas day, we had agreed no presents but he did try & buy me something when we went out shopping. He ended up buying me a lovely glass coaster of my fave superhero & even bought me one to use in his house. Spent boxing night together..... then it gets weird. The next night he knows I am in alone and doesn't ask me to spend time which is fine so I didn't wanna look desperate either haha. My male friend asked me into town with his work colleagues but I wasn't sure and told the guy this but I did ask if he wanted to join us. I made a flippent comment that I "had no other offers" but had already decided I would go and he said you can come up here if you like (but this made me feel that he only asked because I said that I want him to want to spend time with me!!!! Not because I ask. I went out, was texting him occasionally & everything was fine. Video called him at end of night but he didn't answer but I must have woke him up as he txt asking what's wrong & then asked if anything had happened!!!!! NO IT DIDNT. Next day I asked about it and he said he has been hurt so much before that he cant trust anyone . I understand that but im not that person.

But now all of a sudden he is hardly talking, said his mind is a mess, it might all be overwhelming & that he may also be depressed. I have to explain that this year he just moved here from another country & only has some family here. I know he is homesick & I totally appreciate that. I understand that this is a difficult time of year & I have tried my best to be there for him. He has since said he has suffered from depression but came off medication a year ago but wont go back on them. He keeps saying he needs time & will get through it but I have been left feeling really sad & totally confused. I haven't seen him since boxing day so trying to give space.

My question is..... do I keep hanging on or do I just walk away??? Don't want him thinking I would just abandon him when he is down but also I have had enough of waiting around for guys. I have wasted enough time feeling s*** but he did seem genuinely nice. His family just said at xmas how well I fit in & how much he deserved someone nice who will treat him right.

Is this about a night out or does he just not want me??? I just cant figure out if it is personal to me or in general. He did say he is spending his time alone in his room crying a lot & spent new year alone also.


Re: Do i walk away??

Posted: Sat Jan 04, 2020 11:04 am
by Tarantula
Hmmmm sounds pretty intense.

I don't think he's done anything wrong, but he seems to have trust issues and perhaps it's all moving too quickly for him.

I know you meant that comment flippantly, but if he has been cheated on in the past then it would've come across as 'if you don't want me, I'll go out and get drunk with a male "friend"'.

In general, I think dating is simpler when there's fewer male friends and less alcohol involved. But that's just my personal rule of thumb. You may know what kind of person you are, but he doesn't, and the sad truth is there are many men and women who will just hop onto the next one as soon as it suits them. That's just dating in 2020 - non-committal, and full of boozy decisions.

I think this is the kind of thing that can get over-thought. Keep things simple. Ask him if he wants to go somewhere or do something FUN next week and try to not get caught up in needing reassurance from him or having big talks. You'll know where you stand from his reaction - if he says no, and doesn't come up with another offer, then for whatever reason, he's lost interest. If he doesn't respond, it's all over. I'd give him a day or two and then consider it game over if I didn't hear anything.

In a way, this could be a sh** test. Yes ok, he's depressed and all that, but if he doesn't respect your time and you still hang around, well, you know where that leads, don't you?

To more of the same.

It's early days, this should be light, breezy and fun. So give him the benefit of the doubt for now and make a cheerful offer to meet ('hey, I hope you're alright. I'm off to see [movie] next week and wouldn't hate it if you'd join? :)'. Then see what happens (and tell us!).

Re: Do i walk away??

Posted: Sun Jan 05, 2020 8:58 am
Hey thank you for your reply . I totally understand everything you are saying . To be honest I have had time to think and yeah maybe i am realising just how difficult it is to have Male friends while dating. But I have always got on way better with guys and do have friends so it's a difficult one. When I was with my ex I lost so many friend and wasnt allowed to talk to any Male friends at all and getting accused of liking anyone I spoke remotely highly of so I am determined this isnt going to be the same. I think he needs someone to be there for him just now so I am trying my best . Fri and sat he started talking more (more chat than I had in a week) ...a little progress so I did do what you suggested actually . I asked him to the cinema last night as I know he needs out the house. He said yes..... we had a nice time. He laughed and smiled. Was very strange with no hand holding cuddling, kisses etc. He did say thanks in the car and said that what he needed. I did tell him face to face that I would never ever cheat on him. He needs to know that . He has been hurt badly before but he cant treat every girl the same. God I could have assumed he was like my ex etc. I did ask what is happening with us and he said he wants to keep talking and see how it goes. He still sorting his head out. He clammed up when asked a question. He really isnt good at talking about feelings etc.. he did give me a cuddle goodbye. I Just dunno how long I'm supposed to wait without asking any questions..... it doesn't feel great waiting to find out if someone wants you in their life or not. Like he is deciding ny fate. I know he is genuine as his sister has confirmed certain things in passing. It has just went from being amazing to nothing which is so strange. I am just trying to see how it goes. Will keep chatting but if he never opens up then surely his issues will always be here?? And that isnt fair on me. I mean it hurt so much when he questioned me. My ex was psycho like that so it hit a sore spot but I didnt make a big deal of it as I do understand why he asked. You are so right.... its meant to be really nice and light and breezy just was and changed over night. Yeah I am totally regretting that comment I made etc but he wont talk to here me out lol. I do agree with alot of stuff he has said now that I have had time to think but I csnt tell him. Thank you for replying x

Re: Do i walk away??

Posted: Mon Jan 06, 2020 1:43 pm
Just an update!! Everything appears to be back on track. He has apologised & realised he has to learn to trust again. We laughed together so much last night, so much more than ever before :)