Relationship Advice

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Relationship Advice

Post by fred_the_red » Tue Dec 11, 2018 6:40 pm

Hi all,

I'm new here and I really don't know who else to turn to and get some feedback on my current situation.

I've been with my wife now for 15 years and married for 5 years and have two young girls.

Our relationship from the start was probably what most relationships are like really. We met on the internet and chatted for over 6 months before actually meeting up. When we first met we slept together that first night. We were intimate often and we really enjoyed each others company.

At the start of our relationship she was living with her ex-boyfriend who had been gay for over a year. They had been living together and from what I remember even sleeping in the same bed. At that moment she was adamant they were only friends and nothing would ever happen. I wasn't too happy about this as it wasn't normal, we argued and I told her that it wasn't right to live like this whilst going out with me, so she ended the relationship. However I had fallen head over heels for her and I wanted her back. She broke my heart then and even after all this time I still hurt (even though we are still together).

I decided to try and get over her and move to another country as I was offered a job elsewhere. She heard about me moving and after a series of phone calls we decided to try again, on the proviso she moved out the flat with her ex (gay) boyfriend. He was very controlling of her and quite verbally abusive. She came to stay at my mum and dads, but it wasn't long before we ended up getting a flat together. I didn't move abroad, I decided to stay and make a go of it as I was still in love with here.

Once we moved things were great, I had moved out of living with my parents and she was out of the flat with her ex-bf. It was great to be with someone who I truly loved and she loved me. The only issue was that she insisted on having nights out and sometimes weekends out with her friends and ex-bf as they were still close friends. I know he was gay, but it still hurt that she wanted to spend the weekend with him instead of me.

When they were going out they were taking drugs etc, she would come back and it would take a full day to get over the effects. We had the odd argument about her drug taking and her ex and this went on for months until I gave an ultimatum and asked for her to stay clear of him as it was affecting herself and our relationship. I was spending my entire weekends wondering what she was doing? It was really odd. This went on for I'd say around 6 months or so.

Eventually she agreed and decided that she could no longer go out and do this every weekend as it wasn't fair. We were arguing more and more and I was struggling sleeping when she was out. She then broke ties with her ex out of nowhere.

We moved from the flat after 2 years into a rented house. We lived there for over 2 years, everything was great, no major issues during this time. We then decided to move into our own house and we bought one and lived their for 9 years. Over this period everything was great, our sex life wasn't what is what but I suppose everybody's does the same after a few years! We also had two children and got married.

We recently moved again due to the kids schooling, but since moving here I've noticed some changes in my wife. She's no longer as intimate has she was before. I'd say we have sex once a month if that. I have to initiate sex on every occasion. When we are having sex I sometimes take a glance at her face and she looks completely disinterested in me. I mean I'd say I'm pretty good ha ha, but it's always hard to try and make an effort when someone is pulling their face! I recently had the 'snip' which she insisted and during this time we have had sex around 3 times. I was told to have sex / masturbate for over 20 times to be clear of the sperms, so I was thinking I was going to get sex once or twice a week, nope!

The other issues I'm facing are that last Christmas (2017) after her works party (where she stayed over at an hotel) I believe she may have possibly been with someone else. One evening after she was back and when she was in bed I noticed her iPad light up and a message appear from a 'Danny' on Messenger. She had mentioned this Danny before, and said he was nice guy and that he was looking for promotion so he had been sending her messages. I told her then that he was probably only interested in one thing and to 'be careful'.

I know I shouldn't have but I was intrigued to see what the message said, and it was a thread of messages for over a year!!?? I was gobsmacked! The messages went back to when she was working away for 6 weeks the year before, where this Danny was. Now, I wouldn't say the messages said anything revealing, but she had been chatting to this Danny when she had been downstairs with me, which I find really odd. She had even chatted to him later at night and even before I'd met her at the Cinema one night! The messages also mentioned that there was rumours in the office that she'd "sha**ed" another guy called 'Nick' on her xmas party and a rumour she slept with this Danny. I had to confront her, not only for the messages from another man but the rumours of her sleeping with this Nick. Nick was her old boss and she never, ever stopped talking about him and how nice he was. I didn't really think anything of it...

I woke her that night and confronted her about these messages, at first she was just kind of like, "I don't see the issue really! We were only chatting and none of it said anything revealing" "If we were seeing each other do you think I'd use messenger??" She was adamant nothing ever happened but in my heart I truly believe something has. She promised to delete Danny from her friends and cease contact with him out of work, however I noticed only the other day that he is still her friend, his name and picture appeared on my profile randomly and recommended him as friend as FB does if they have mutual friends, and my wife is the only one he's friends with....I was intrigued by this and installed messenger on her iPad, I know this is bad but I had to see if they had been chatting again. They had, although briefly, he congratulated her "well done on getting the new position x" her response was "Thanks :)". This message was from September of this year, so I'm assuming she deleted the original messages but kept him as a friend. I kind of wish I would of checked sooner, but I trusted her.

She also recently quit smoking for good, shes had medical help and everything. She's stopped for over a year, but over the past couple of weeks I've started to smell smoke in her car and on her clothes. She always comes in from work now stinking of perfume, like shes trying to hide it. The other night she went out and she confessed she'd just had one 'cig' with the lads, but when she opened her bag drunk there was a full pack! Now, I never told her to quit at all. She decided to do it, but its just odd all the secrecy with the messages, sleeping with people rumours and now the cigarettes. I haven't confronted her about the smoking, as I want to see if she will be honest with me but shes just not saying anything which is raising my suspicion...if shes lying about that then is she lying about other things?

I don't know if it's from when I first met her when she was going out with her ex on nights out, coming back and reminding me of the hurt she did to me.

I'm really, really confused. I feel like I did when we first met, although now we have to kids and an house. It's a difficult situation, I'm either completely off the ball with this one or she's pulling the wool well and truly over my eyes.

Sorry for the essay, I just needed to get that all out xx

Thanks, Simon

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Re: Relationship Advice

Post by Tarantula » Wed Dec 12, 2018 5:15 pm

It's the second one, Simon. I'm sorry to have to tell you so clearly, but I feel 100% sure that she's done a cheating with somebody at some point. The fact that she's even entertaining rumours about her sha-ing somebody else, like it's all a big game... the fact that her response was 'if I was seeing someone else do you think I'd use messenger??' rather than 'of course I wouldn't do such a thing!' I mean, to me, that's a tantamount to admitting to something - just not on messenger. She's obviously put thought into how she would do it, then.

The drugs, the fibs about smoking, the saying she'll cut contact with this guy but still keeping him around on FB... it's all just not good enough really is it.

I don't know how you've managed to hold on for so long, I would've been out from the moment it became clear that she was still sleeping in the same bed as her ex I mean what the heck...

I think you need to give her an open opportunity to be completely honest with you. It needs to not be an argument. Tell her, you don't trust her right now and in order to restore that trust she needs to be honest about what's really happened so far, no matter how far back in the relationship, even if it was 'only a kiss', you need to know, because you know she's not being real with you.

If she gets defensive and rubbish then she's guilty as sin and too much of a coward to admit it. If she hears out your concerns, understands how it must look, but calmly explains that she's not actually done anything, then great - you have to make a judgement call about whether you believe her. And if she does admit things, then again you have to think about whether you're able to work through the issues which caused it and move on together.

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