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Fiancé doesn't help me...

Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2018 2:11 pm
by Rarity
I've been with my fiancé almost 4 years, had a baby just over a year ago and been engaged almost a year.

He does nothing around the house. I've always done everything since we moved in together not long after we first got together. I didn't mind at first, but 3 years later he's still sat on his game everyday. He doesn't work, he "goes to uni". I've put that in speech marks because he failed his second year from poor work/attendance. He is supposed to go 3 days a week, since he started back about 3 weeks ago he's missed at least 7 lectures/lessons because they're "pointless" and he "already knows the work." So he spends all day on his pc or his playstation.

I get up every morning to take my 7 year old to school. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, pay all the bills, look for work whilst looking after a 1 year old. He only even does stuff with the baby if I ask him to or if I leave him with the baby. He's never once done a load of washing, even though I've shown him how to. He's never vacuumed, he's never cooked me a meal. He's dried up for me on the odd occasion but only because I have complained that he doesn't help around the house so much. He says he "hasn't got that mindset" when it comes to cleaning up so I'll have to help him. Well I've shown him how to do everything, and at 28 years old I think it's ridiculous for him to say he doesn't know when it needs tidying. It's ridiculous. I've left the washing up for days but he just washes what he wants to use and leaves the rest. I asked him yesterday to take the rubbish out for me 5 times. I took the rubbish out with me this morning on my way to take my daughter to school...

I'm getting really fed up. I can't say anything because it always turns into a big argument as he just doesn't seem to understand what a complete selfish bum he is. If I tell him he doesn't do anything he uses uni as an excuse. He goes 3 days a week and doesn't even go to half his lessons but he seems to think that's enough! I'm getting really fed up, he always promises he'll help but he never does and I'm fed up of saying stuff to him and nd it just causing an argument. I've settled to doing everything myself as usual but I'm really starting to resent him for it... I tidy and look after the kids ALL DAY while he plays his game, then on a night when the kids are in bed I'm sat on my own anyway while he "games" with his online friends.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm his mother, not his fiancé and it's killing the relationship for me

Re: Fiancé doesn't help me...

Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2018 8:20 pm
by Tarantula
Yeah, it sounds like you're his mum. Interesting choice to have a kid with him, therefore. Surely he was better before, at some point? Otherwise why put up with it?

He's addicted to online gaming. That's not a metaphor. It is possible to become addicted to gaming in the same way as smoking, alcohol, social media, workaholicism... etc. It's the same mechanisms at work.

He's using it to distract himself from what I'm sure must be a deep sense of personal failure. For as long as you're still picking up after him, though, he has no incentive to change.

Nagging, no matter how valid, doesn't work. It may be time to tell him you're thinking of ending the relationship as you can't carry on this way, and see if that lights a fire for him. I expect not. You may have to leave for good.

It's easier for him to bury his head in the online gaming than wake up and face reality.

Re: Fiancé doesn't help me...

Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2018 10:44 pm
by David020549
Sorry rarity it sounds like you have a looser as a partner, there is no reason whatsoever that a man that has been accepted for a university course cannot earn money. He must have gained some qualifications, no excuses, there are plenty of jobs, even if it is stacking shelves. Only you can decide what to do but don't bank on any child support from him, if he drops out of Uni, and has no employment record, what is the future going to be like?.

Re: Fiancé doesn't help me...

Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2018 7:08 pm
by boulding
Hi Rarity
I'm sorry to hear that you are in this awful situation. You must feel so frustrated having to do all the work and clear up after this useless lazy lump.

I'm not usually keen on ultimatums because you have to follow through but on this occasion I think that's just what you will have to do but don't do it just yet. Tarantula is absolutely right in that this is an addiction and is linked to his sense of failure. In the short term I think you need to cheerfully resign yourself to doing all the housework and childcare and regard him as an extra child. Try really hard to encourage him on his university course and try to get him away from the computer screen perhaps by organising some outings to the movies or to the park or just anything to distract him.

If nothing works then you have to sit him down and tell him clearly he needs to shape up or you're kicking him out and if he doesn't co-operate do just that.

Don't put up with nonsense. You're worth more.

Re: Fiancé doesn't help me...

Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2018 7:43 pm
by peecee