Things are getting worse.. I need some serious advice.

For problems with girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, lovers and leavers!
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter
Post Reply
blondemat1
Just Landed
Just Landed
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2018 11:53 pm

Things are getting worse.. I need some serious advice.

Post by blondemat1 » Sat Aug 25, 2018 11:24 am

Hi all. I'm new here and I never thought in a million years years I'd sign up for something like this (maybe thats and indication of how much this is affecting me).

First of all I love my husband so much. I always have. But recently things have got so bad between us. Here's our problem..
We own and run a small business that isn't doing well at the minute, we've been through this before and come out the other side.. But this time I'm noticing even more that he's trying to get out of dealing with our problems.. He won't sit down and plan a way to get us out of it, won't offer to help when dealing with things resulting from it, trys to distract himself when I'm trying to talk to him about suggestions to fix it. He's burying his head in the sand about it all and now it's spread to our home life. Trying to get him to make any sort of decision is 5 hours worth of rows, everything on his to do list is either not done or messed up so I'll take over it. He's just sitting back and watching me struggle through this mess and has absolutely no intention of offering any sort of support or help...ive tried to talk to him about it and he absolutely denies he's doing it and then trys to change the subject which causes a row. I'm now stuck in a situation where I either struggle to cope by myself with it all or try to get him to do something to help and end up in a deliberate row so he doesn't have to do it... What am I supposed to do? I feel very alone in all this and don't want to speak to my friends about it because it feels like im being disloyal to him. I could really use some advice.

David020549
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
Posts: 413
Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2014 6:29 am
Gender: Male

Re: Things are getting worse.. I need some serious advice.

Post by David020549 » Sat Aug 25, 2018 1:43 pm

You need to explain what the business problem is, as much detail as possible, including any financial problems. I know quite a few businesses that have struggled for years, just managing to get by.

blondemat1
Just Landed
Just Landed
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2018 11:53 pm

Re: Things are getting worse.. I need some serious advice.

Post by blondemat1 » Sat Aug 25, 2018 4:35 pm

We own a cafe and it's quiet because of school holidays so moneys tight (happens every year).. During this time we need to make decisions about, how to handle it, running promotions, having awkward conversations with suppliers, cutting back on stuff etc. He won't do any of it without being asked and even when I ask he either doesn't do it or does it wrong so I'll take over it... I'm clearly struggling to deal with it all and he sits back and leaves it all to me.

David020549
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
Posts: 413
Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2014 6:29 am
Gender: Male

Re: Things are getting worse.. I need some serious advice.

Post by David020549 » Sat Aug 25, 2018 5:32 pm

My wife ran a restaurant for 13 yrs so we know your problems, it was always difficult getting through the quiet periods, a lot depends on location, who your customers are and what the competition is?.

My first reaction is do both of you need to work full time at the Cafe if there were a second income it would make life easier?.

Has your husband grown tired of the Cafe and is fed up with struggling, you sound quite keen to continue, if he was earning elsewhere but helping part time it would mean less friction between you.
Do you actually own the freehold or just a lease and paying a rent?, do you live above or is it a lockup?.

Not all couples can work together full time and not everybody wants to be doing the same work week after week, year after year

blondemat1
Just Landed
Just Landed
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2018 11:53 pm

Re: Things are getting worse.. I need some serious advice.

Post by blondemat1 » Sat Aug 25, 2018 10:27 pm

I plowed my life savings into buying it because he said he wanted it and he's spent the passed three years shirking all responsibility for it..I left a really high paid job to do it with him because he said he wanted it. To make things better financially for us, it would be more cost effective for me to leave as I'd be able to earn more from a new job than he could but I can't leave him to run it by himself. I was ill last year for a month and when I came back he hadn't done anything, not paid anyone, not spoken to suppliers, not replied to customers queries, no stock checks or restocking.. He just left it all and we ended up in a right mess because of it.. I'm just completely at a loss what to do.

David020549
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
Posts: 413
Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2014 6:29 am
Gender: Male

Re: Things are getting worse.. I need some serious advice.

Post by David020549 » Sun Aug 26, 2018 7:11 am

It's easy to start up a new business, but very hard to admit failure, swallow your pride and give it up but 75% of new businesses do just that. The classic is a couple who take on the tenancy of a pub, you will have seen pubs closing in every town and village, the market has changed and nobody is going to make a living out of a brewery pub.

Is the Cafe run properly capable of being profitable, is your husband capable of running it day to day with you doing the admin and paying the bills. There are plenty of small businesses that are run by one partner but in practice it is supported by another source of cash, a parent or husband usually but occasionally another relative or friend.

You have to decide if the Cafe is viable, prolonging the agony will only make it worse if you don't take action.

Did you buy the freehold or a lease this is important.

User avatar
Tarantula
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
Posts: 1013
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:37 pm

Re: Things are getting worse.. I need some serious advice.

Post by Tarantula » Sun Aug 26, 2018 11:32 am

Hi there

It seems that David has you covered on the business line of questioning.

For the emotional side of things, my serious advice would be..... let the chips fall where they may.

Right now it's like you're the one keeping the whole show on the road. The martyr life can seem glamorous but you're gonna end up burnt out and resentful. Meanwhile, he's struggling to cope with his own feelings of being a failure. A part of him knows that if he does nothing, you will compensate. Therefore, you're more like a parent-and-child rather than equal partners. This is a problem, because it infantilises him and totally kills your attraction for him. Ain't nothing sexy about having to play mum and tell him to pull his socks up.

Criticism will not be an effective motivational strategy in this regard. As hard as it sounds, I think you need to withdraw your involvement from the cafe and, if it sinks as a result then, well, let it. You go back to a job where you can bring in decent income, and let him be responsible for his side. To make it even harder (because letting the sink happen goes against your caring impulses, I know), you need to try not to be critical or resentful towards him. There is nothing you can tell him that he doesn't already know. He knows you're disappointed in him, he knows you've put your savings into it, he knows knows knows it all, but is struggling with some emotional blocks and sounds paralysed by fear. If at all possible, I think he needs empathy, support and patience rather than criticism, however valid.

If you can't give him that right now (understandably), then at least try to be neutral, explain to him that this current lifestyle isn't working for you, you're going to back to work and leave the cafe to him. Expect resistance. You're changing the status quo and his knee-jerk reaction will be to take it very personally. But tell him, as you've told us, that you love him very much but this situation is making you unhappy. Don't give advice or specific suggestions - you've already tried that, it hasn't worked - he will get the message by what you do, by your actions - not by your speech, which will just be interpreted as whinging, and up go the barriers.

It's time for you to step back, and if the pillars fall, allow it, but don't make it about your marriage as a whole or love or any deep emotional thing. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee that, whilst you love him and are still committed to the marriage, you're gonna run your own show from now on, and he needs to do the same.

boulding
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
Posts: 46
Joined: Thu May 29, 2014 10:50 pm
Gender: Female

Re: Things are getting worse.. I need some serious advice.

Post by boulding » Sun Aug 26, 2018 1:24 pm

Hi

You say you love him and presumably he wasn't like this when you first married him otherwise you would have kicked him out long ago. So it seems that he has become demoralised, disillusioned and possibly depressed from working in a failing business. Try not to blame him if he just can't cope with the stress and uncertainty. After all life is about horses for courses and he clearly doesn't have your resilience and entrepreneurial skills. Our self worth is so often bound up in our status at work and it sounds as if he has lost his self respect and motivation and genuinely can't rouse himself and take on the challenge. Square pegs in round holes don't work so I really think David's suggestion is best of him getting another job. Even if it was low waged he would have security and satisfaction that he was supporting the home. It may not seem fair on you to have all the responsibility but I think your husband needs understanding and sympathy in order to change. You are clearly made of sterner stuff and are able so cope so things will probably go better if you take on an assistant part time at minimum wage and run the thing yourself.

As you are in a quiet period it might make sense to get in a business consultant or mentor. It doesn't have to be that expensive for a small business and it is of course tax deductible. Failing that look on gov.uk which has a lot of resources. If you are heavily involved in running a business it's often difficult to see the wood for the trees and perhaps now is the time for a new business plan.

David020549
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
Posts: 413
Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2014 6:29 am
Gender: Male

Re: Things are getting worse.. I need some serious advice.

Post by David020549 » Sun Aug 26, 2018 1:48 pm

I didn't tackle the personal side deliberately because sort the business out, in whatever way, the rest will sort itself out.
Maybe the Cafe will continue maybe not, deciding the way forward is the important part.

Post Reply