Page 1 of 1

Jealousy of others

Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2018 1:30 pm
by Lee R
Hey guys

I decided to post this on a new thread rather than add to one I have previously used as how I am feeling at times because it doesn't relate to my want for children (it partly does but not solely and in any case nowt new to add really)

What is worrying me at times over recent weeks is I have had days where I feel OK and fine then days where I just feel low (came off meds in March and dont really want to go back to them) and I often have a real jealousy of other guys and couples for the reasons below

1. Probably a better sex life than what I currently have
2. They have little ones of their own
3. in some cases I know of people who have cheated yet seemingly prospered either because their partner forgave them or never knew and they have moved onto bigger and better things, I wholeheartedly dont believe in cheating yet people seem to get away with it
4. Lot of couples I know always seem to be out doing stuff together, whereas its rare if at all we do, partly because of my wife doing her uni thing but there have been a few times this year where we have booked cinema tickets and then for one reason or another just not bothered going - little things like that really get me down (granted we are going on hols to scotland and new york in August and xmas time respectively) - though at times I am someone who much prefers chilling indoors anyway but it would just be nice to do things I suppose
5. Those who are on the property ladder, again like with the children thing I hope this is something that will happen for me and my wife in the future but I am one of those "won't believe it until i see it" type of people

It's worrying me just how jealous I feel at times, granted I do have a job and there are for sure people worse off than me totally get that - I wonder if this is some sort of "mid life crisis" I am feeling?

I think a lot of it is aggrivated by social media (though I am only on Facebook) ie I see pics that people share but is only part of their lives and I dont know what happens behind closed doors etc and I should concentrate on myself rather than others but that doesnt come easy to me (and to be honest I have suffered with these feelings probably most of my life anyway so think I am just stuck with them)

Because a lot of these people are younger than me I feel like I have been left behind and that it may now be too late for me to have the things above (i turned 39 last week and am far from looking forward to turning 40) I did post on FB at xmas (when things were real bad) a status saying how I just dont feel I belong in this lifetime, and I still think that from time to time, even to the point where I talk to my Alexa (when no one is home) asking her if I should kill myself (I wouldn't ever do that no matter how bad things get) because I dont feel my wife would understand and I tend to keep things to myself ie not really tell the family and few friends (as I am very closed person) for fear that they wont understand - like this forum is a safe haven for me at times

I suppose I am just after people's opinions as to if they have felt the same sort of things before and how they cope with them because at times it is driving me to despair ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,)

Re: Jealousy of others

Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2018 1:42 pm
by Tarantula
Yeah I've felt jealous before, who hasn't. It has always been about me, though, and not anything that anyone else has done 'wrong'. So I've focused on why I feel I am lacking something, decide whether I genuinely am lacking something or if it's my self-sabotaging mind playing tricks on me, and then correct whatever it is in my life that I'm not happy with.

Taking action is the solution. And you still haven't done that yet.

39 is nothing. Not that any age is the 'give up on life' age, but I mean, I've told you before Lee and it just goes over your heard, but again:

My partner is 39. I'm 27. When I met him, he was going through a divorce after being cheated on, and recovering from chemotherapy. Now he's healthy, happier than ever (or so he says) and just relieved that he got out of that horrible situation. Incidentally, we are talking about adopting children in the not-so-far future.

My point from telling you this, is that your life is only over if you INSIST on doing NOTHING to change it. You need to get out of this life-sucking, sexless, miserable relationship. It's as simple as that.

Re: Jealousy of others

Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:19 pm
by Lee R
Hey T

Appreciate your input (as always) don't ever think I don't - I may not show it but I do

As I said I have probably never felt totally happy and confident in myself (despite being a really nice guy so people said), spent all my teens and 20's single and practically still a virgin and was of full belief I would never ever find anyone and have all the things that others have I have been proven wrong to an extent and in future may well be proven wrong more (one way or another) but at the moment I see it as stay with my wife and hopefully our plans will come to fruition (and I acknowledge I have faults as much as the next person) or call it quits and lose pretty much everything, friends through her, possessions etc, during the really bad time at xmas she threatened to throw me out the flat we live in despite the fact I am the one who always pays the rent, and her parents live a few miles away where as mine are almost 40 miles away and then the thought that will probably never leave me is simple fact no one else will want me, i convinced myself that much when I was younger no one would want me (based on comments from others) and just have that same mindset now if we did ever divorce

See I know full well I focus way too much on others and what they have and not on myself, again prob spent most of my life doing that and I need to stop

Re: Jealousy of others

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2018 12:53 pm
by Tarantula
But she's walking all over you.

You think you'd be 'losing' something if you left - you'd be losing a rubbish sex life and dull relationship with someone who doesn't treat you particularly well. You'd be gaining freedom, autonomy and the opportunity of meeting someone new.

Someone out there would want you. But even if not, it's better to be alone than miserable with someone. And you are so deeply miserable.

You need to start thinking about the cost of opportunity. Don't look back in 30 years and think 'why oh why didn't I get out when I was 39, which, looking back, isn't even old. At all.'

Re: Jealousy of others

Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2018 8:17 am
by reckoner
I completely agree with Tarantula.

Lee, your ongoing torment strikes me as your own subconscious desperately trying to persuade your conscious self to leave this very one-sided and utterly uncompromising relationship. It seems she is getting everything that she wants while you get ... what?

As well as listening to Tarantula's excellent advice, I think you also need to listen to yourself.