Porn addict or he's just not into me?

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Porn addict or he's just not into me?

Postby Rarity » Wed Jun 20, 2018 11:51 am

So long story. Me and my fiance have been together for almost 4 years and have an 8 month baby together. We were made homeless a few weeks before baby was due and lived with his parents for around 6months. It was a hard time as there was 2 adults, a newborn and a 7 year old all in the same room. Finally, about 3/4 months ago we got a place together and I thought everything was gonna be great.

We rarely argued before but since moving here we have argued and fallen out a lot about stupid little things (we had a full blown row and was on the verge of splitting up over who was going to the shop last week). But the thing that's bothering me is the sex.

A few weeks ago we were fooling around when he just suddenly lost his erection and couldn't get it back up. I'm struggling with anxiety and body issues at the moment so I made a bit of a deal about it because I was scared it was because of me. He assured me it wasn't and it's just one of those things. We've had sex since and been fine, but a couple of weeks later the same thing happened.

Now, I know he watches porn. A lot. Basically every time I leave the house. I'm not sure if it's all the time but I know he watches a lot of older women porn (he's 28, I'm 29) and found porn with an 80+ year old woman that has made me feel really insecure... i don't exactly have the nicest body and I've been worried about that, but really? Old ladies? I understand that everyone has a kink but old ladies is a bit of a kick in the tit to me because why is he watching old ladies all the time?

I've had really bad anxiety over sex lately and we've spoken about it and he's assured me he wants me and finds me sexy, and told me some stuff that he likes. So last night we went to bed, I had on a small silky nightie that he tells me he likes. He told me he wanted to do stuff and we started fooling around but I just could not get him up. I even got out my small vibrator because he said that turns him on and still no joy (I've never gotten a toy out before, I've done it purely because he said it gets him going). In the end he managed to get it up himself and I gave him my absolute all but i just couldn't get him to come and he started going limp again.

I'm really upset. This is happening way too often now. He says he was just thrown off cos he thought the baby might wake up, but I already know that he was watching old lady porn while I was out yesterday. I really feel like he has a problem with the porn and he's starting to not be able to get the pleasure from me anymore. I know he'll deny it if I confront him, because he has beforw and said that he doesn't masterbate that much. Funnily enough, I know how to check browser history so I've seen that it is every time I leave the house, within minutes of me going. I can't tell him I've looked at his history cos he'll go.mad (not that I blame him, but I also need to know why he can't seem to get off with me) and when I say I think he might be desensitising himself by masturbating he just tells me that's ridiculous and that he "doesn't even do it that much". I really feel like that's the problem because he's never struggled before but since we've moved into our own place and he gets a lot of alone time (I have a child to take/pick up from.school) we seem to keep having this problem

Now I'm in a place where I don't know what to say to him. I'm 100% sure this problem stems from him constantly tossing it off to porn, or because he doesn't find me atteactive/good enough in bed. But I know if u say this to him he'll deny it all. He told me "a wink doesn't make me want you any less because it doesn't feel as nice as when you do it". So how can I not manage to get him hard/male him come by doing the things he says turns him on?? It's not that he's under too much pressure because he doesn't work, doesn't do anything housework and I've made a point of not talking about sex because I didn't want to put us both under pressure after my.weird anxieties about sex the other week. We have done stuff since then too that seemed to go ok, but I can tell by how hard his Penis is that he's never into it as much as he used to. I can't say anything because he'll tell me it's all in my head, or that it's "one of those things" but it didn't happen when he was winking over "mature ladies" a couple of hours before.

It's really getting me down. We've never had problems like this until we moved into our own place which is why I think porn is the problem... obviously living with his parents he couldn't really do that, now he has the opportunity every day and he's taking that opportunity. I told him I felt like he was chasing porn over me but he says he isn't and that he only does it when he's bored... well he must be bored all the time!

I just want to clarify that I don't have a problem with porn, and even watch it myself occasionally. But I'm so sure this is the problem and it's really getting to me. I could be sat with him all day and have plenty of opportunities to fool around but he chooses to wait until I go out to satisfy himself, then I'm left wondering why he doesn't seem interested.

What can I do? If I mention porn he'll tell me it's all in my head, if I ask if he's attracted to me he'll tell me he is but there has to be a reason he keeps losing it/not finishing! I feel like I can't do stuff anymore because I'm embarrassed that I can't seem to make him feel good.
Rarity
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Re: Porn addict or he's just not into me?

Postby boulding » Fri Jun 22, 2018 12:14 pm

Hi rarity

This is just awful for you and if he is in denial and won't talk about anything its going to be really difficult to resolve. Undoubtedly there are some issues around him feeling inadequate and compensating with these peculiar porn sites and it now seems to have turned into a habit. I get the feeling that everything goes way way deeper than sex and it could be that he is depressed and bored.

However hard it is try not to take this personally. Its not dissatisfaction with you but more likely dissatisfaction with his life in general. Put sex completely out of your mind for the time being, don't check up on him at all and try to approach the problem from a different direction. Be really positive and encouraging and try to persuade him to get a job. Do everything to boost his confidence. If he had a reason to get up and out in the morning he wouldn't have time for porn and he would gain confidence and the self respect from supporting his family. Plus of course if you had more money coming in you could plan treats and outings for yourselves and the children. I think if you could make positive change everything else would fall into place.
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Re: Porn addict or he's just not into me?

Postby David020549 » Sun Jun 24, 2018 2:41 pm

Too much porn is really bad for a relationship, if he is using up his sex drive it reduces his "performance" with you to the point where you think, " if you can't do better than that don't bother". A poor sex life is probably the most common reason for breakups because it causes tensions and arguments, he has got to realise that you need a proper sex life or you will separate and it is HIM that well be leaving.
His real problems are low self esteem and boredom caused by no work and probably no money or hobbies/pastimes either, if that continues its hard to see any change, so anything (legal) that gives him a reason to get out of bed is good.

Had you considered watching porn with him, not the kinky or abusive stuff, there is quite a lot of nice romantic porn if you look for it
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