Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Tue Jun 26, 2018 11:54 pm

I'm going to see a counsellor on friday morning, and am going to tell her the full story. I'm going by myself , she said that was the best idea so i could be open. One way or another it's going to help me - I am told she is very good. Then we are both meant to go.

My plan is to put everything on hold, do the counselling as long as needed and if satisfied that the issues are to a large degree resolved (may never be possible) only then start planning house and weddings again. Hopefully the counsellor will agree and i can then put this recommendation to my partner. I'm not going ahead with any more commitments as things stand. I've told her niece about how she has been , shown her the text messages, she was shocked and appalled (she is a very decent and normal person).
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Tue Jun 26, 2018 11:55 pm

I do agree that if i cave now and buy the house, she will then have no incentive to change. I totally get that.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Wed Jun 27, 2018 2:16 pm

Anything to make the pain go away, huh.

By giving her any more of your time at all, you're removing her incentive to change. The more time you give her, the more opportunity she will have to grind down your resolve until you end up buying the house anyway. Just as she's worn down your resolve to leave the relationship. If you would have blocked her then you may have had a real opportunity to get away from her toxic behaviour. But you didn't listen, because a part of you wanted to go back anyway. It's understandable, but very sad.

See how you said you knew in your heart that you couldn't go back to her, and how you're now going back to her? So how can you know that you won't also cave on the house situation?

She will manage down your expectations until you feel so grateful to have her even sneeze in your direction, that you'll buy the house. You're talking tough now, but methinks you'll do what you've done so far, and give her what she wants.

All you're doing is signing up for more of the same, and either you'll be back on here in a few weeks from now with another tale of her latest disgraceful behaviour, or you'll keep it to yourself cos you won't want tarantula to say 'I told you so'. I I hope I'm wrong but I kinda know I'm not. Sigh

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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby boulding » Thu Jun 28, 2018 1:51 pm

Hi

I think you are sensible to put things on hold and go for counselling and it would be nice to think everything could miraculously work out. Just a word of warning. It seems you are a little naive about day to day things. If you pay the deposit for a house and you pay the mortgage payments then its your house and the deeds must reflect that before and after you are married. There is no need for her name to be anywhere near any document at any time. Don't let yourself be bamboozled over this.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Fri Jun 29, 2018 4:47 pm

I told her that i'd only continue the relationship if she agreed to put everything hold and try counselling. She went apeshit. Her own family are appalled. It's just not worth it to be honest. It's taken me some time to process everything that's happened but i have moved on. The good bits are massively outweighed by the bad.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby David020549 » Fri Jun 29, 2018 10:05 pm

I haven't checked out this thread for a week or so and it has become ridiculous and I am thinking IS THIS A WIND UP.

Over the years I have known plenty of crazy women and naive men but this is way out on a different level.
The way you describe this lady is a cross between Ghengis Khan and Attilla the Hun, 99.9999% of men would run a marathon to get away, she is poison marrying her will be the worst day of your life.
You have been thinking of buying a house with your cash then giving her half, that is naive in the extreme, wives are entitled to a share of property but only after they have earned it over the years, working, raising a family or helping with your business.

Is it a WIND UP
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Fri Jun 29, 2018 11:07 pm

Actually not a wind up, i must have had love blindness or something, but nothing half a bottle of scotch hasn't cured ! :D
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Fri Jun 29, 2018 11:08 pm

Actually i have to say, she is an excellent manipulator. If they did degrees in manipulation she'd have got 1st class honours.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Mon Jul 02, 2018 9:48 am

Wow. I disagree, I think she's a 2:2 at best. A 1st class graduate would have agreed to your terms for now, get you back on side just long enough to rebuild a bit of hope, and then trot out the excuses about not going to counselling whenever asked, or go once or twice but find reasons not to continue, accuse you of not being supportive if you dare accuse her of being uncommitted to keeping her promises, and then constantly straddle that line between keeping you hooked but ultimately not doing the thing until enough time passes that you find yourself buying the house on the promise of a promise of a promise of a better future, but no proof of it in the here and now.

But what do I know! Perhaps she has been doing that push-n-pull for so long that her temper just got the better of her, so she decided to go kamikaze in a last-ditch attempt to get you feeling sorry for her because she needs so badly for someone to acknowledge her pain... you didn't respond to my Q about whether she was abused as a child. I'm gonna say a solid yes, and that's a big part of why she's behaving the way she does now; because she hasn't dealt with it and it's hidden under layers of shame, anger and self-loathing.

But what do I know! I'm just glad you sound more solid about it now, and if it takes half a bottle of scotch to make things clear then so be it. Just don't go too far down that road either, obviously.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Tue Jul 03, 2018 4:03 pm

I don't believe she was abused as a child , according to her family she was the youngest (2 brothers 20 years older had already moved out when she was born), and her dad gave her everything she asked for, never said no, she had no sibling to share with. So from a young age she was taught that she would always get exactly what she wanted with no effort and no concept of compromising.

And yes she has mentioned feeling suicidal.

I don't know what the exact medical diagnosis would be, whether control freak, narcissist, or whatever.. my friends and family think she's just "mad"..
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Tue Jul 03, 2018 6:46 pm

She's so much worse than a brat, though. It's one thing to be just entitled. It's another to get violent and have a meltdown over almost nothing. Does she have friends? What happened in her last relationship?

I call borderline personality disorder. I hope she gets the help she so obviously needs, and that you can move on in time.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Wed Jul 04, 2018 10:35 am

She doesn't really have friends. Had a friend who lives next door from childhood but they fell out when they went on holiday a few years ago, she said she had an asthma attack and had to go to hospital and her "friend" didn't bother going with her, so she was offended by that.

As far as her last relationship, she mentions an italian guy who was 10 years older and had multiple women on the go and made her cry all the time, hence her trust issues, so she says..
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Wed Jul 04, 2018 10:57 am

Right so she's very much the victim at all times then. I don't suppose she acknowledged her own part in these stories, when relaying them to you?
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Wed Jul 04, 2018 4:28 pm

Nope.. and with me it was always my fault, actually it was my fault the car got keyed, because i had shown i didn't trust her ..
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Thu Jul 05, 2018 12:56 pm

Goodness me. Is there a part of you that believes that?

How's the situation now?
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