Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

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Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Tue Jun 19, 2018 12:05 pm

Hello, I need some advice on my relationship as I love this woman but she can be very very difficult and I’m not sure I feel right about going through with the wedding, which is booked for four months time. Having read all about relationships recently and spoken to friends and family she shows all the signs of being abusive.. controlling and manipulative.. I have put my head in the sand about this as in many ways as I want it to work and we do make each other happy but I don’t know if I can commit myself to someone for life who behaves in this way. And if not do I have to end it outright or is there anything that can be done to improve the relationship (counselling etc) or is there no hope?

This is going to be a long story, I think I may as well put all the detail in so people can tell me what they think.

We met about 18 months ago on an internet forum, she lives about 35 miles away. I’m mid 40’s and she’s a couple of years younger. I’m white and she’s Asian (sikh). Neither of us have had serious long term relationships before so it’s hard to know what’s normal (plus perhaps relationships and expectations work slightly different due to the different cultures?), we’ve both led fairly sheltered lives living with families, I live next door to my parents in a house owned by them but have saved a lot over the years so was planning to buy a house… but if I’d remained single it would be a buy to let and I would have changed career to do something less pressured and more enjoyable (am a computer programmer, but don’t want to do it much longer) while continuing living where I am to help my parents as they get older.

She lived with her dad and two other relatives but because her parents had her at a late age her dad was bed bound and dying when I met her, she was his carer, but he sadly passed away three months ago.

When I met her she acted very strangely at first, sometimes very enthusiastic to chat and talk but then for no apparent reason would send me messages saying it was all over and she was going to “block” me, for little or no reason. If she saw I’d been on whatsapp and not chatting to her she’d go mad saying I was chatting to other women (actually was to friends and family). I said this was unreasonable but she said she had trust issues as she had a previous boyfriend who had cheated on her. The next day she’d contact me again and apologise for her strange erratic behaviour, saying she was insecure and too “effed up” to handle a relationship. I reassured her that I wasn’t finding it easy either but we should relax and try. I hoped that as we spent more time with each other she would trust me more, relax and that sort of behaviour would decline.

However it has always continued to a greater or lesser extent.. things like she made me block some old friends of the opposite sex on facebook as she was insecure, if I don’t reply to her texts immediately or answer phone calls she often freaks out and refuses to answer phone calls or sends abusive messages and says it’s all over (but often doesn’t answer the phone when I ring for hours). She gets annoyed and offended over the most stupid little things, even changed her phone number a couple of times and threatened to call the police if I tried to contact her again. But often she’ll turn it around to make it seem like it’s my fault and I end up apologising. She has threatened to end the relationship more times than I can count.

I don’t think she’s a bad person, I think it is some sort of anxiety and insecurity, plus her relative told me that as she was the youngest her dad never said no to her and she got everything she wanted. If she asks me for something and I hesitate or say no she turns from her normal self into a very bad mood, until I relent and then she says she loves me etc.. and I do believe she does actually, I have thought maybe she is just saying it to manipulate but I do think she’d be devastated if it ends. Though whether that is because she genuinely loves me as a person or for what I provide I am now not sure. One time I was changing my phone and had a new temporary number and she couldn’t contact me and she sent emails and whatsapp messages in a panic that I’d left her.

When we go out it’s normally me that pays, after we’d been seeing each other for a while (and I’d paid for everything up to that point) I gently questioned her to say how does she feel about money and paying for things in a relationship and she got really upset, crying and saying she wanted me to take her home and never wanted to see me again. Of course I calmed her down by taking her for a meal..

To be fair I earn twice as much as her, and she has paid for certain things, theatre trips and the like, which were not cheap.. although they were things she wanted to see anyway.

I could tolerate this before as the costs while quite high (she manipulated me into buying her a £1500 necklace for her birthday) were not life changing amounts, but now we are close to the wedding and the situation has changed due to her dad dying. Before that she said we’d get married but would live apart because she couldn’t leave her dad so would have to remain there while he was still alive.

With regards to the engagement and wedding.. we did talk about what we wanted from a relationship a few weeks after meeting and agreed that at our age we both wanted to find a life partner to care for and live life with.. soon after she started hinting that she wanted to get engaged and put pressure on me to ask her, hinting that she would end it if I didn’t prove I was serious and not just messing her about. So I did ask her and she accepted. I thought there would be no rush to set a wedding date but immediately after the engagement she started pushing to set a date and find a venue, which made me feel very uncomfortable, I suggested a date about 18 months after the engagement but she want mad, crying and saying I’d mislead her and never had any intention of marrying her. So I gave in and we set a date a year after the engagement. Which seemed a long way off, but now is only 4 months.

A few weeks after she went to india to scatter her dads ashes, she started saying things about our living arrangements. She said where I live would be no good for her as she doesn’t drive and there are no shops nearby. When I pointed out there is a bus stop at the end of the road which goes into town (10 minutes) she then said the house is too small (it’s a two bed with a loft conversion so not really as there is only the two of us), I said it was plenty big enough and if we lived there we’d have lots of spare cash for amazing holidays and could both look at changing careers to do something more enjoyable as we approach our 50’s. But she persisted.. then said the house is too dark inside, then that it affects her asthma badly. Lots of different reasons. So then she came over and got me to take her to a local newbuild house site where she saw a 4 bed detached house, which costs £385k, which is about twice what I can comfortably afford. Also I don’t like new houses.. I want a place with a bit of character and a nice garden.. I know I won’t be happy on a modern estate.. but she says she would never live in an older house and I would just have to get used to it… she wouldn’t even go to see any houses that I suggested. I said can we compromise and get an older house that is refurbished like new inside. She said there would be no compromise as she had already agreed to move to my area and change her job so she should choose the house.

So anyway, this is the first house we look at and I expected we would spend some weeks looking at different houses. But before I can pause for breath she’s put down £500 to reserve the house.. even though I said it was too much and asked her to wait. So she says if I don’t go along with it she will lose the £500. Which is a lot of pressure.. not something I want and I tell her so.. but then she says if I don’t buy the house the marriage is off and the relationship is over. She actually emailed the wedding venue and told them to cancel, which would have lost me my £1000 deposit (first two instalments – the next two were meant to have been paid by her a couple of months ago but she’s not done so). She said if I don’t want to lose that money I have to promise to buy the house.. so I had to phone them back to tell them to ignore what she’d said.

I said to her is it me or the house you really care about? And she says it’s me. So then the next day I tell her I’m definitely not buying the house. But then I get a massive load of abusive text messages, including ones saying she did only want to marry me to get a house, was using me all along to get money. Then I don’t hear from her until the next day until she phones, says I broke her heart and took away her dream of living in a nice new house, and she’d been crying all night and freaked out and said a load of stupid things she didn’t mean to hurt me as I’d hurt her. She then says we don’t have to buy the house but would be disappointed, and using different tactics talks me away from saying no outright.

So the current situation is we are two weeks away from signing a contract for a house, which I don’t want (I am happy where I am) and will be a massive debt burden – meaning I will have to work fulltime until at least 70 and won’t have much spare cash for anything else. And if I commit to her then can’t back out of the marriage either. She has hinted that I should try for a higher paid job but I am secure where I am and don’t really want the stress. If I don’t go through then I lose the relationship and continue living by myself where I am (may or may not meet anyone else at this age and will miss her massively). Before I met her I was at a point in life where I was very lonely since my grandparents and other relatives have passed away, I have no kids and my friends don’t live locally. I’m not the most social person and have found it very difficult to meet anyone. Maybe I would meet someone else more suitable or maybe I never will. If I do go through I will be a slave to the bank and a fully paid up member of the rat race for as long as I can see, which is the last thing I want as I prefer to live a modest lifestyle with lower pressure, and living with a woman who does make me happy on many levels but is bossy, controlling and manipulative. My biggest worry is that when married she will have even more power and control over me since I am bringing most of the money (savings) to the relationship so if in future there is something she wants and I say no she can threaten to divorce me and take half of the money. I wouldn’t put it past her as he has in the past used any tactics she can to get what she wants. I think just recently she has been making a big effort to be nicer (she used to shout instructions at me such as where to park the car and what to wear and if I don’t comply shouts “I even told you what to do!”) but once the knot is tied she may feel no pressure to treat me with kindness and respect.

So what do I do? I know this is not a healthy relationship but I do love her and I know if I end it would devastate her too.. especially as she lost her dad a few months ago. I do feel protective towards her and would feel terrible to hurt her. One of her close relatives told me I should cancel or postpone the wedding as he says her behaviour is unacceptable and has got worse as she has got older. Maybe her emotions are affected by the loss of her dad and it is too soon to get married? I was thinking maybe we postpone for a year and get counselling to talk through her issues?? I don’t want to lose hope but am I kidding myself, would it be better to make a painful decision to end it in the hope of someone who treats me with more respect? I am totally at a loss to know what to do, this is the most difficult decision I’ve ever faced.

Opinions please..
Thankyou.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Wed Jun 20, 2018 10:33 am

Okay, I want you to put the kettle on, sit back and carefully read back through everything you wrote.

Seriously, do it. Not to sound like your gf or anything, but I'm even telling you what to do!

Done? Okay. Now tell me, what would you say if your best friend was in this situation? How about your sister? Your daughter?

You would tell them to get the heck out of dodge, wouldn't you? Yeah you would. Anyone would.

I don't know how to write this in a way that will actually make you change the route you're on. There are a million different ways I could say this and I don't know what the best persuasive approach is to get you over this hurdle. I mean it's easy to write online, you can read this, agree, even feel resolved for a minute or two... but once you turn away from the screen, will you actually take a decision? What I want to say is

DO NOT SIGN THE CONTRACT FOR THE HOUSE

Don't do it
Don't do it

Please don't do it.

Oh my goodness, it will be SUCH a MASSIVE MISTAKE. There's no doubt about that whatsoever!!!

As you say, you will be stuck in the rat race until almost the end of your days - or maybe the actual end. You will have your backside in that office seat day in, day out and FOR WHAT? Some woman who you've blatantly put on a pedestal just because she's the only one you (think you) can get?

I know you don't wanna see yourself as that kinda guy, but what d'you expect any reader to think. Here comes dish of the day. Here comes the mug.

Don't be a mug. This woman isn't evil but she's messed up and she has to get a grip. Oh, except she doesn't have to, if you don't make her. If you just go along with it for the sake of peace, what incentive does she have to change?

Probably on some level, she knows she's been incredibly out of order. But every time she's given in to that impulse, and it's yielded no consequences, it's become easier. Somewhere along the line, she's privately justified her rubbish behaviour to herself with something like 'well, I can't be that bad because he puts up with it.' You have taught her how to treat you.

She's been pushing the boat out time and time again, and you've just rolled over and taken it. Taken it right up the you-know-what, for what reasons only you fully understand. But as I mentioned before, I think it stems from your own insecurities with women, not feeling like you can do better in a perceivably drying up market of prospects, and a dose of plain naiveté... having no real lived concept of what a relationship is or should be, so allowing her to dictate the terms entirely.

In the words of Manic Street Preachers, if you tolerate this, then your children will be next. They might have been singing about something else. Don't care. My point is, where's it gonna stop? You're not silly enough to think that her behaviour will magically improve if you give her the house and marriage. It will go in the opposite direction.

It is only going to get worse.

That's the bitter pill you don't wanna face, but it's the truth. Time to deal in reality now, and stop compromising the facts of what's going on in the NOW for what you believe will be a better situation with her IN FUTURE. This future does not exist. You think if you give her everything she wants, then you'll be able to leverage that to get more of what you want. In fact it's the opposite. Every time you've ever caved in, you've worsened the situation because she's learned that you'll take it.

However, with this woman, there was no way you could have behaved which would transform her into a normal, rational, respectful person. So far, it may sound like I blame you for her behaviour. I don't. She's a flipping adult and needs to get her stuff together. What I'm saying is, you enabled her. All the way.

If you would have set boundaries earlier, as I'm sure you tried to do, she would have had a meltdown and cut you off. You've described many circumstances of this exact thing happening. This is good cause for you to RUN A MILE. It is NOT, as I hope is dawning on you, you poor silly fellow, a good reason to go 'might as well just give her what she wants.'

If someone perpetually tramples all over your boundaries and then plays the victim when you call them out, this is not someone to cater to. This is someone to get away from. It should be YOU doing the blocking, the cutting off, the 'look, this behaviour is unacceptable so I wish you all the best, but I'm out.'

I have another little nugget you're not gonna like. She doesn't love you. She just needs you, and yes, needs your moneeeeeeeeeeeey! She needs a dollaaaaaa, dolla, dolla is what she needs! Having said that. She's also not consciously going 'I know, let me torture this poor fool into giving me lots of material leverage.' It's sort of semi-conscious for her. She knows you're a pushover, and she knows she can get her own way with you. She may even believe she does love you - but this isn't what love is. There, I said it. It's like a taboo thing, to tell someone else what the big L is or isn't, but I'm doing it anyway 'cause you need to know.

Love is not manipulation, pain and borderline episodes based on constantly needing the upper hand, whilst at the same time secretly resenting the weak man you're with precisely because he's weak, and resenting yourself above all for knowing you're not worthy of a stronger man. This is not love. This is codependency and yes, emotional abuse. Love is something different. It's more like stability, mutual support, and having a warm glow whenever they're around, knowing they have your back, and knowing they want the best for you.

If she loved you, she would be honest with herself about how she's been treating you, confess, own it, own it all, apologise, and make genuine amends. This would be her game-changer moment to step up and be accountable.

How did you feel as you read the last sentence? I bet you want it above all else, because then there would be hope, and you wouldn't have to make a decision.

I'm afraid that's not going to happen. I mean you could try. You could tell her look, the buck ends here. I'm not signing anything, I'm staying in my too-dark house (wtf), call me Gollum if you want but I'm here to tell you, this stops now. And we don't get married until you show me that you can control your bad impulses for long enough to make me feel like I can rely on you as a stable life partner.

But of course, if you do that, she'll go nuts again. Then that's your cue to leave.

Mamby-pambying about the prospect of her going to therapy, which she agrees to do when put in a corner but then doesn't actually do once the pressure is off, isn't going to be sufficient. And the key thing is, this all needs to come from HER, not you. SHE needs to coming to you with a realisation of how badly she's treated you, a clear strategy for how it's going to be different, and then taking action on that strategy.

From what you've told us, she's about as likely to do that as I am to finish this post in 1000 words or less.

But look, I read your words and as I did (and as often happens when I read posts), I saw your situation so clearly, all the things, both sides, all the meta-experiences that have led to you both developing into this dysfunctional dance of a relationship... it's hard to describe and sounds a bit new age... but I really want you to get out while you can.

As I said, you can give her 'one last chance' to make amends in the way I described. We all know it won't make a difference, but you can try. I suspect, if she senses she truly is on thin ice for the first time in this relationship, then she will actually appear to be receptive. She might even admit to a few things, but even that will not be enough. As soon as you would 'go back to normal', so would she. And you'd be even deeper in this Sisyphean pit of your own making, in that you chose to stay where a more self-respecting man would leave.

You need to hear it 'cause probably no one in your circle is gonna put it in these terms. Your takeaway lesson from this is to stop over-valuing the P just because it's all you can get. What if it truly IS all you can get? Then it's not worth it because you aren't really getting what you want anyway.

Life is short. Take some of that money of yours (the money that you will no longer be spending on £1500 necklaces - jeepers creepers, you're ripe for the picking, ain't you? I've half a mind to get me a necklace too!) and go TRAVEL. I mean it. Pack in your job for like a year, and just get out there and change your life. No one can do this for you. Re-connect with all the things you used to say 'one day I'm gonna do that'.... and DO it! Really do those things this time. Whatever things. Whatever you like. Whatever brings you joy. If you don't know what it is, take the time and money to find out. Learn to paraglide (highly recommended!). Write a book. Take up improvised acting classes. Move to a big city - or to beautiful Alpine countryside. Something. Something to shake it up.

Or... stay exactly where you are and bumble on through. Up to you, but either way, if you take one thing away from this...

... don't you dare sign that gorram contract! Don't do it, boss!
Last edited by Tarantula on Wed Jun 20, 2018 10:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Wed Jun 20, 2018 10:35 am

ONE MORE THING

She is totally going to use her father's passing to make you feel guilty.

Don't fall for it.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Wed Jun 20, 2018 11:59 am

Thankyou so much for your reply. I know in my heart that what you have said is the truth. But i doubt that i am strong enough. You are right i am a weak man. I'm intelligent and good at many things but emotionally weak and vulnerable.

I have avoided romantic relationships my entire life, as i felt unable to cope with them and preferred the cowards way .. lonely but no pressure. It was okay when i was younger as i had friends nearby and older family members so i never really felt alone.

I met another woman a couple of years ago and saw her for a short while before this one, and she changed from being extremely enthusiastic (she made all the running initially) and attentive to quite the opposite for no clear reason and that really broke me as i felt like i was falling in love with her then she took it all away.

I was such a mess that i went on the internet and met this other lady and put up with the abuse because at the time i had so little confidence and self belief and was desperate for love.

And i'm still the same. I feel like if this relationship ends then I will never ever have the confidence to go out and meet anyone else due to the only experiences i have had with women have hurt me so much.

But i don't want to be by myself forever. Many people of this age have at least had long term relationships and children but i haven't even got kids to give me a reason to live for.

I feel when this ends then my life is over. All my hopes of a having a happy married life gone and back to my empty pointless life. Honestly i feel like i can't go on.

She has sufficient self awareness to know that she's in the wrong. She has said to me "i've lost my dad and i hope due to my behaviour i don't lose you this year too".

And also "i don't know why i behave like this, it's like i only want to hurt myself".

But she keeps doing it .. as you say realistically it's never going to change.

I think my mirage of happiness has faded away. I thought finally in my life i had found what everyone else does, a loving relationship and a happy home life. But it's all been a lie.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby peecee » Wed Jun 20, 2018 12:59 pm

I'm glad Tarantula has replied to this one, please, please read it as many times as you need, and take it on board. I'm, going to read it again, too.

I can't reply to your post in any detail without sitting down for an hour at my keyboard with a bottle of wine (will do that later)! All I can give you at the moment is my brother, whose wife sounds identical to your partner. He also had low self-esteem and was desperate for a wife and family, we begged him to at least postpone the wedding (it really is a long story!), he didn't. He was in poor health anyway (he suffered from epilepsy), and after she put him through six years of absolute hell, the stress gave him a heart attack, which took him off.

If we could do it all again, we would lock my brother in a room to stop him ending up with her. I feel really tempted to do the same to you... :) But I know you're not my brother, and you will make your own decisions. We just want you to have information and viewpoints from outside; Tarantula can give you the matter-of-fact opinions and advice, I can give you the devastating, worst-case possible outcome. PP is a bit quiet these days, but if anyone else has an opinion, I am sure they will try and help you.

Please don't rush into anything...
Shine your light and let the whole world see.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Wed Jun 20, 2018 1:26 pm

I forgot to also say, my sister is a psychologist and thinks that both me and my partner may be aspergers to some degree though in different ways .. she thinks it affects me in that i find it hard to make decisions because i see too many alternatives, and affects my partner in that she struggles to see alternatives so when she sees a particular house she gets obsessed with it to the exclusion of any other, and also fails to empathise with another persons feelings.

She thinks as a result of this we will both struggle to form normal relationships. She thinks if we continued we would need a lot of counselling to sort out our issues. We are both messed up, in our own different ways.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Wed Jun 20, 2018 2:00 pm

One other question though.

Do you think it is reasonable for a woman to want to buy a house with a man when getting married? It is normal for a couple to buy a house together isn't it? When he has the money in the bank (she has a smaller amount, and would contribute a smaller amount of the deposit), and they are planning to make a life together. Is it understandable for the woman to say if we are going to make a life together we should buy a house together and make it into a home together? Rather than continuing to live in a rented parental house, which we have both done all our lives. Perhaps it is natural to think by your mid 40's it's now or never for buying a house and to get a bit carried away?

And she is making the effort to move from her own area to mine and to change jobs, so perhaps it is reasonable to expect me to make an effort on the housing front? Yes I know the way she has gone about it is totally unreasonable, and she has admitted as much, but have I also been unreasonable in a way to not take the lead on buying a house for us? Maybe it looks like she's not worth it or that i don't care. That i'd rather keep my money in the bank than provide a nice house for us where we can make a life together. That money is more important than a future together.

Perhaps to her it looks like i don't even care enough to make an effort. I had said to her at the start of the relationship that i lived in a rented family home but had savings and was planning to buy a nice house (as i thought otherwise she'd think i was a loser). But a year went really quickly as it does especially with dating and getting to know each other. So i never got around to it and by the middle of this year she said she'd lost patience and thought that i'd never be decisive enough to buy a house, so she thought she had to take the lead and push for it before the marriage because it was natural to want a "marital home". I don't want to make excuses for her behaviour but i also think that perhaps I have mislead her in a way in saying i was going to buy a house asap and then didn't. If I had, then it would have been one of my choice and this whole thing wouldn't have arisen (and yes prior behaviour is similar but on a lower level, and she has told me she realises she acts like a small child when she doesn't get her way)

When we went to look at this last house , i did like it myself in a way, it is a lovely house and i got excited about the idea of living there and making a life together. I even went there the next day and parked my car on the drive and sent her a photo. But then the next day i started worrying about the money and told her i thought it was too much. She then said i'd been cruel to get her hopes up and then dash them.. which may be fair, perhaps i am guilty of that.

We also spent hours talking afterwards and agreed that if we did it, then i'd be in control of the finances and we'd set strict budgets that we'd have to stick to and i'd be the one to choose the interior, furniture etc.

And this is why my head has been in turmoil, because shes not always so unreasonable, and i know i'm far from perfect (inexperienced) in relationships too, and i know there's no such thing as a perfect relationship without some arguments and conflicts - if you don't want that you stay alone. So that's why i've found it so hard to come to a decision and hence the question on this forum and discussions with friends and family.

I don't want to be a sucker and but do try to see things from the other persons point of view. What do you think??
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Wed Jun 20, 2018 2:23 pm

One other snippet of information. As i mentioned, in the car she used to be a real pain. Telling me to go forward more, drive faster, where to park etc. A couple of months ago she told me i should have done something and i lost my rag and shouted at her that i was driving and if she's not happy with it then she should learn to drive herself. She shed a tear, but after that she's no longer been complaining and questioning my driving. (and note her relatives told me she's like this whenever she's in the car with anyone).

Similarly i called her bluff when we went for a weekend break, and i'd done something (allegedly) that she didn't like and told me that she wanted me to leave. Rather than say sorry and beg i said fine i'm going then and started packing my stuff. Actually at that point i was all ready to leave. I actually finished packing and went to undo the door handle when she jumped out of bed and ran after me and said "don't go". Then she apologised and behaved better the rest of the holiday.

As you said i have been guilty of giving in to her too often and that has trained her thinking to believe i will always give in. It does seem like when i man up and tell her she's gone too far she behaves better after. It does seem like her level of handling a relationship is on the level of a child.

I was going for relationship counselling, even if she won't go, for them to give me tips as to how to handle it and overcome the controlling tactics, as it seems like when she knows i'm not going to play she won't even try.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Wed Jun 20, 2018 2:35 pm

Also.. if i cancel the house and she leaves me because of that, i'm not sure if that would mean :

a) that she was only with me because of the house and never loved me, or
b) she takes that as a sign that i never loved her as i'd rather keep my money in the bank than use it to build a life together

do you see why this is a hard decision to weigh up?
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby David020549 » Wed Jun 20, 2018 7:26 pm

"I was going for relationship counselling, even if she won't go, for them to give me tips as to how to handle it and overcome the controlling tactics, as it seems like when she knows i'm not going to play she won't even try."

If you can't handle it before you get married you certainly won't afterwards, if she can't wear you down you will get accused of all sorts of unreasonable behavior, marriage gives a woman much more power and you don't sound the sort of guy that can tame her. As she is from a different culture how deeply is she committed to that way of life, no problem if she is western in outlook, adherence to traditional faith and customs will be a problem to an outsider.

You have seen her true temperament, she may well moderate her dominance before the wedding, but don't be fooled she will revert. Whatever her attractions don't marry her, find another lady that is much closer to your own personality.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby boulding » Thu Jun 21, 2018 1:25 pm

Hi Rdlk
Run, run, run for the hills. This woman is bad and mad. This isn't love. A loving fiancee just wouldn't behave like this. She's just playing you for a fool and you have to get out quick. If you marry her you'll be committing yourself to a life time of neuroses, misery and debt.

You are still relatively young and have many more years of life ahead. You can start from the beginning. You have a good job, money to buy a house, you care about your parents and you sound like you're kind, generous, decent and stable. Please believe me when I tell you that there are plenty, plenty women out there that want what you've got to offer and unless you look like Kermit the Frog you will find someone. Do what you need to do ie go on Tinder, join a sports club etc. etc.

As soon as you've read this write a letter to this woman and finish the relationship and tell her why. Then switch off the phone (buy a temporary PAYG for family and friends) just don't have any contact or discussion with this nightmare of a woman who will destroy your life if you let her.

You do mention previous difficulties with forming relationships and your sister mentions Aspergers. You can learn people skills and become better at interacting and engaging with women and you should use your time with the counsellor to do just that not rehash the past eighteen months.

Don't settle for unhappiness. Start looking for a woman who will treat you right. I know she's out there.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Thu Jun 21, 2018 6:27 pm

I can only agree with what the others have said, especially boulding.

Aspergers is not an excuse (for her). Bereavement is not an excuse. Being female is not an excuse (imagine if the genders were reversed and a man was treating a woman this way... there'd be uproar! But there's no moral difference whatsoever.)

You say you don't want to make excuses for her. So stop making excuses for her. The jury's in and the verdict is clear. Don't you go putting yourself on the same level as her to try and detract from how awful her behaviour is. We all have issues, but where it matters is how we choose to treat others around us, the extent to which we take it out on them. You might have your problems, but as boulding has said, you seem fundamentally a decent sorta person who is capable of a real relationship. She ain't.

And you know what, she told you that early on, didn't she? That she was too effed up for a relationship. But you couldn't resist rushing in there to white knight her. You should've listened and been like 'well that's a shame. Thanks for being upfront about it though. See ya.' It is NOT your job to save her. It wasn't then, and it isn't now.

To answer your question, you shouldn't have to buy a house to prove that you love someone. What on earth! You should buy a house with someone when, and only when, the relationship in general is making you both happy and you feel safe and secure with the other person. Enough to put down such a large amount of money and to make a huge commitment.

So no, you haven't been unreasonable at all. And if she's been telling you otherwise then she needs to check her entitled attitude. But as I said before, why would she?

You shouldn't have to go to counselling to find out how you can twist yourself, like a pretzel, into a version that doesn't set her off.

You should go to counselling to address your own codependency. Not heard of it? Google away. Codependency is an addiction like any other. It's for people who bend over backwards for others and lose themselves and can't set themselves free from dysfunctional relationships because they're addicted to the struggle and the fantasy that someday it will be different.

Go to counselling for things like 'All my hopes of a having a happy married life gone and back to my empty pointless life.' HAPPY is the operative word. And you ain't happy, so.

If you feel your life is empty and pointless then it's time to go deep with that and start to change things. Not distract yourself from the real issues by throwing yourself into this rubbish arrangement from which you must untangle yourself if you're serious about being happy with someone longterm someday. There are always options, choices, decisions. Other routes you could take, if only you would.

You think this is about her? No, it's about you. Let's put the focus on you for a change.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Sun Jun 24, 2018 4:35 pm

The relationship is over.. i have had a terrible day dealing with it.

We went for a trip out yesterday, which was good during the day but ended very badly as we went to get some food on the way back and i held back paying in the hope that she would for once offer, with the result that she walked out without buying the fish and chips and told me to take her straight home and didn't speak a word to me on the two hour drive back. Eventually we did talk and she said she had been so angry that i didn't step up to pay as usual that she didn't want to speak to me.

This morning we got back to talking about houses. We had seemingly positive interaction about who would pay for what in the house and other aspects of our future life together.

But then i said, hopefully not unreasonably, that since i would be paying the (very substantial - most of my lifes savings) deposit and she wouldn't be paying anything, that i would buy the house and it would be in my name, until we were married and then we would both be on the deeds. I said not that i distrust her in the sense of her trying to rip me off but simply that it's a massive risk to do this with someone you're not married to as i've seen other peoples relationships go wrong, and especially considering how she has been so erratic at times, so i hoped she'd understand as she would be getting the house she wanted and in a few months would be a joint holder. At this she went completely crazy, told me it's all over, called me a f----- b---ard, called to change her phone number there and then. She then went downstairs and threw a candle (in a glass vessel) that she had bought on onto my kitchen floor, scattering glass everywhere, and ripped my orchids in little bits and smashed some other things. Then demanded i drive her back home.

We got a mile down the road and she wound the window down and started trying to scratch the car door with her house keys. I managed to stop, almost causing an accident and got the window up and the keys off her. She then said she wouldn't try it again so long as i didn't speak to her on the way back. So i didn't. So i intended to take her to her door but she then insisted i pulled over at a bus stop a mile or so away. She got out, took her bags and went to get something out of the back seat, then i heard this scraping noise and i realise that she was scratching the car. So I jumped out and pushed her away and drove off. Now with a massive X shaped scratch on the side of the car.

I've heard of women doing this before if their husband has been having an affair and it's wrong but understandable if someone is that hurt. But i've just said i'll buy the house she wanted and after a few months she'll be named on the deeds. So surely a massive over reaction?

Or was the anger because all along she just wanted me to buy the house with her as a 50% named party and never intended to marry me, and she was so angry that the plan had been foiled?! I just don't know what to think.

Anyway i'm feeling a mixture of intense sadness yet relief that i's all over, combined with shock and absolutely no faith in human nature. This is without a doubt the worst thing that has happened to me, short of the passing of some of my relatives. I feel damaged beyond belief and don't know when or if i'll recover from this.

And on some level i still have regrets in that perhaps my own reticence to do what a normal person would do and buy their first house may have thrown away both our happiness. Everyone tells me that she is the unreasonable one but in her eyes presumably i am in that i won't do a basic thing for starting a life together. So maybe her assertion that money was more important to me than a relationship has some truth and she was entitled to feel hurt by that. Now i sit here with money in the bank but no relationship.

All in all this has been a terrible experience that i wouldn't wish on anyone. I don't think i'll ever try for a relationship again. I never bothered for most of my life fearing that these sort of things can happen, and now finally in my 40's i tried and my worst fears came true.

Thanks for all your comments and advice anyway.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Mon Jun 25, 2018 8:02 am

Oh my God.

What an absolute %&#$*+@ lunatic she is!!!!!!!!

Can we all just, I mean, can we just hold hands in a circle around this poor man, and have a minute's silence for what an undeniable nut job he's had to endure.

Be grateful it was just your orchids she ripped up and not your face. With a knife. Whilst you're asleep. I'm not joking.

I know people sometimes go to extremes to make their point, but I'm deadly serious. Can you imagine being married to this individual? She may have ended up putting arsenic on your cornflakes.

She is mentally ill. Probably she has borderline personality disorder, but there's a good dose of pure narcissism there too. How dare you defy her. How dare you not pay. Don't you know that she's ENTITLED to your money, your time, your affection, without her needing to give anything in return? How dare you not bow down to her sheer existential merit.

What an embarrassment she is. Truly, utterly shameful. And the worst thing is, she's got you thinking that you're to blame. She's done a number on you. And now you're left to pick up the pieces, to re-arrange your distorted mind, to come back down to earth and sanity and realise that you simply got caught up with a highly toxic person, and that you actually did nothing wrong... not to her.

Your own wrongdoing lies in the scale of offence committed against YOURSELF. Let me put that simpler. You haven't been bad to anyone, except yourself. You've been a right $^&* to yourself. What did you do to you to ever deserve this? To put up with this, for as long as you have... to have even THOUGHT to contact her again last night when you were alone in bed - let alone if you actually did it (which wouldn't surprise me at this stage) - you must not love yourself at all.

Never mind love. You must not even like yourself. Why, mister?

Let me be the last to say... please don't stay. Don't go back. Demanded you drive her home? You should've kicked her butt out of your house and called the police if she tried to come back in! It's clear to me that you are afraid of her, of what she'll do if you defy her.

And since you'd have to justify returning, you'd convince yourself that she's just a hurt person. Which she is, of course. She's very hurt, damaged and insane. Was she abused as a child? These issues, they're coming from somewhere. And people from Asian families have an even harder time daring to speak out about those things.

It might be helpful to you to play psychologist for a little while, in order to gain some sort of understanding of what the heck just happened over these last two years. I suggest you start googling things like borderline personality disorder, emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse. Just be careful, if you're gonna go down that road, that you don't end up feeling so sorry for her that you convince yourself to give it another go.

There is so much helpful information available online which can help you to realise that it WASN'T YOUR FAULT and that you were just the emotional punching bag, and if it wasn't you, then it'd just be some other affable idiot. So in that sense, it wasn't even personal. She would be a nightmare to anyone - trust me, the next victim isn't gonna get a better deal. She isn't gonna transform into a loving, respectful, shiny partner for him, but not you. She's too far gone, too lacking in willingness to change, too addicted to a victim mentality, too entitled, too used to doing things the way she's always done them, too everything.

The best things you can do right now are as follows:

- GO COMPLETELY 'NO CONTACT' ON HER. Block her number. This is a woman who will perpetually try to get in touch and trample over your boundaries as she's done so many times before. Once she realises you aren't going to chase her, she will chase you constantly until you cave in. Don't give her that opportunity. You need to protect yourself. I mean it. Limit her ability to contact you as much as you possibly can.

- TALK TO YOUR TRIBE. Do your family know what she's been doing? Do your friends? Don't have any friends? Time to get some. You don't have to offload to new people about all your troubles, but you do need to have fellow human beings around you now. And you do need to speak to SOMEONE about what's really been going on. These abusive people, they try to cut you off your support network so that you're more vulnerable and susceptible to their shady behaviour. Other people keep your feet on the ground and allow you to keep some perspective on what's normal, sane behaviour. So please, please, reach out and get talking to people.

- SEEK SPECIALIST SUPPORT. It's 2018. There are all sorts of support sources available for men affected by domestic violence - which, yes, is absolutely what you've been affected by. Smashing your things is an act of violence. Keying your car is an act of violence. It's also a test. If you go back to her, she'll know she can do those things without consequence. She will do them more. Things will escalate, just like they have been escalating since you met her. Next it'll be your face. Don't let it get that far.

There are phone helplines for the low moments - Samaritans. There are support groups for men - where are you based? See what's available. There's church. For real! I'm not religious at all, but you need somewhere to go and someone to talk to. This is really important for your healing process.

Yep, now you need a healing process. This experience you've had, it isn't every day. Not everyone goes through this. You've had a really terrible, distorting, life-draining time, you have been victimised, and it takes a special mix of ingredients, and a big dose of time, to process it all and move on. For this, you ought to seek special support. Speak to your GP. Go back to your counsellor - for YOURSELF this time, not just to learn how to be a good little victim for HER.

Please keep writing on here. I've got so many links to send you, but I also don't want to overwhelm you. Just don't stagnate. Don't sit there and do nothing, now is the time to act.

Because if you do sit there and do nothing, you're leaving yourself vulnerable to her worming back into your life. You've done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this. Your 'crime' was only catering to her psychotic sense of entitlement 99% and not the full 100%. In truth, you should have kicked her backside out of your life after the first time she showed you who she really was.
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Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Mon Jun 25, 2018 8:04 am

PS - she's definitely going to pull the suicide card when she realises you won't respond.

Don't fall for it.
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