Really confused with my situation. Any help?

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Really confused with my situation. Any help?

Postby Kyle13 » Mon Apr 02, 2018 4:43 pm

Hi.

I am currently coming out of 7 year relationship with my ex fiancé who with have a 5 year old son together. Sorry for the lengthiness I’m advance but a lot has happened.

Nearing the end of the relationship, I had some suspicions that something was not right, and maybe her interest was elsewhere. We decided to have a talk and she told me that it felt like the spark had gone in the relationship, and she didn’t know how to fix it. I suggested that maybe we had some time apart as it worked previously before. However, three weeks into the break I decided to talk to her again as it felt like it wasn’t working. She told me that she wasn’t missing me like she thought she would and doesn’t know how she feels. She felt confused and pressured by her job and the fact that we were getting married in August was freaking her out. She didn’t know if she was panicking or not. She wanted to continue the break, but I was not prepared to stay in limbo so we amicably decided to seperate and she decided to move in with her mum.

A week after the break up I became curious. My son was stopping with me at the time and his iPad was connected up to her account. I discovered that she had been sending pictures of herself and receiving pictures from a work colleague. Some of the pictures she was still wearing our engagement ring, so obviously this was happening during the break. I was distraught, called her out and she denied anything physical ever happened and it was just flirting, a few pictures and messages. I decided to cut all contact apart from anything to do with our son. It did end up a little messy with some words being exchanged.

2 weeks into no contact and she began to reach out, asking silly questions, saying when are we going to talk etc. Told her we had nothing to talk about unless it concerned our son. One day whilst dropping my son off, she began questioning me about a girl friend of mine. She broke down in tears, saying I never heard her out saying she never cheated and didn’t want me to hate her. Stupid me comforted her and listened to what she had to say. After that I started to receive regular contact; she would suggest days out like swimming, picnics and finding reasons to see me. She had no intention of moving her stuff out too.

Stupid me fed into it and one day we saw each other, she seemed upset so I reached out and told her I loved and missed her. She then told me she loves and misses me but we need to believe that splitting up was the right decision. I agreed, she then suggested that we should sleep together and get it out of our systems. I agreed, but we continued to sleep together for over a month.

She continued to give me hot and cold signals, continued to contact me for silly reasons. She even managed to get me to go around on her birthday. However, last week she said that we can’t continue sleeping with each other because we are not moving on. I agreed but was a little confused. Anyway, she went out on a night out and as it turned out she was seen with this work colleague that I mentioned. I questioned her what’s going on, she said harmless flirting and nothing more. She happy single and has no plans of a relationship anytime soon. So I asked her why she had been giving me mixed signals, why she wanted to spend time with me and reaching out etc. She declared that these must have been accidental and that even though she has thought about getting back together and is conflicted, she believes nothing will change. She argued why can’t we be friends, I said while there’s feelings from both parties this cannot work. I suggested the relationship be strictly professional and just about our child, and I don’t want her contacting about anything else. She cried and was upset, even put the phone down on me at the end. I have noticed since that conversation she has started using social media more, pictures of her and our son, single posts etc.

There’s so much more to the story that it is impossible to remember every aspect. I am trying to move on now until I am ready to interact with her. It’s been nearly two months since we split up. Any ideas or theories into her behaviour would be really appreciated as I am completely confused to why she has been acting like this cheers.
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Re: Really confused with my situation. Any help?

Postby Tarantula » Tue Apr 03, 2018 7:14 am

She believes nothing will change.

For me, that's the key part.

Basically, she's torn, with one side wanting to get back with you (seven years, engagement, child together, so used to having you around, not liking the thought of seeing you with another woman on FB or whatever, etc), but the other, believing that she can't be happy with you anymore.

You've been somewhat vague as to the reasons why this split has even happened.

I think you've done the right thing to retreat and give her - and yourself - space and time to think.

You need to decide what you really want. I'm guessing you want to be back with her, otherwise you wouldn't care to understand her behaviour? If so, then I think you should clear out all that's happened before, get her for a coffee and say 'look, I think we still have something. I think we should talk about all the problems and find a way through them, because [I love you, we have a child together, I miss you etc blah blah].'

You need to take control of this situation, to get clarity either way. But of course, this depends on why she feels the spark has gone.

In any case, marriage must be off the cards for now, until you are stabilised again. Although since you've already had a kid I guess it's a bit late for that ideal.

I am assuming that you want her back because you wrote about her, but if that's not true, and you don't want her back - but don't want her moving on with her life (including other guys), either - then I would say you need to maintain no-contact and accept the fact that she will be with other guys and doesn't owe you explanation, if you've split up.
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Re: Really confused with my situation. Any help?

Postby boulding » Tue Apr 03, 2018 11:40 am

This is a very confused lady.She doesn't seem to know quite what she wants but it does seem she wants to be free but keep you on a string at the same time.A real cake and eat it situation which could drag on for ages if you let it. You do need to stop allowing yourself to be manipulated by her whims and indecision. Have a really straight talk with her. Remind her that you have a 7 year history, a young child and not that long ago you were planning to marry.

Clearly there are feelings between you and she should not throw everything away for no real reason. If there are actual issues that could be resolved then listen to her and try to make changes. If, which seems likely, she just wants you in the picture while she makes up her mind then you need to start calling the shots. Tell her you want a proper break for 2 months where you both have time to think things out and decide the way forward and make sure you stick to it. No unnecessary phone calls, snooping on Ipads or meeting up for whatever pretext.

There is a strong sense here that if you got on with your life and started dating other women that your ex would come running but you need to be clear with her that your'e only interested in a proper committed relationship not silly games.
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Re: Really confused with my situation. Any help?

Postby Kyle13 » Tue Apr 03, 2018 12:49 pm

Thanks for the advice. Our relationship had been strange for about 6 months before the break up; she started her new job spending a lot of time there, thinking about it when she got home which obviously had an affect on me. I was left to do everything in the house, really got to me and ultimately led to me becoming distant from her. She argued that I never showed her enough attention and that's why the spark had gone. However, I am at the stage now where I am torn on what to do; but I think the only way forward is to move on and find self peace and love myself again. I believe NC and a good amount of time away needs to be done, even with everything that has happened there are still feelings there and the only way to move on or figure stuff out is to find ourselves again.
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Re: Really confused with my situation. Any help?

Postby Tarantula » Tue Apr 03, 2018 2:07 pm

Yeah, I kind of agree with you. Although 'finding yourself' is one of those things which can mean anything. Do you have an objective list of things you want to achieve before considering getting into a relationship again - with her or anyone else? If not, then finding yourself could turn out to be a long road to nowhere in particular, and when you've found yourself and decided you'd quite like to try again, then BAM she's got a new partner. So, if you do feel to give things another try, then do as boulding says and let her know the games stop here and you're only interested in real things. I mean you were gonna get married. What on earth happened? Even six months is a blip compared to seven years.

I'm still a bit confused as to what the main issues were; I mean to let go of a 7 year investment, over what exactly? Was there nothing more that could be done? Had you both exhausted every possible solution first, or was this kind of, meh, bored now, let's break up.... followed by massive realisations of what that would actually mean for the two of you? So far the reasons sound quite... small.

But then again if that's all it took for the two of you to give up, then I guess that says it all.

Just, don't wait around if the truth is, you just want to give things another shot. I actually disagree that she 'wants to have her cake and eat it' in a conscious kind of way... I mean if she's crying and that, and was sleeping with you still, I mean... she's still invested. It would be different if she was reeling you back in with texts or other superficial gestures, but not actually DOING anything... spending time with you, and having sex is definitely doing something.

Whilst I normally lean towards moving on in situations like this, my gut feeling tells me there's still something there, and I mean you have such a history, and a child... it would be a shame for it all to come apart, permanently, due to any kind of miscommunication or misunderstandings...
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Re: Really confused with my situation. Any help?

Postby Kyle13 » Wed Apr 04, 2018 10:02 am

I honestly don't know, I have tried to show her my improvements but she never recognizes what she does wrong. She's been in contact telling me she's applied for a house; last time we spoke she said she was happy with her mum but now this. I asked her why the sudden change and her reply was "you wanted progress so i'm doing it". During the discussion i remained calm but she kept having digs at me and pointing all my flaws, trying to turn things around on me. "I haven't contacted you because you asked to keep it strictly about our son, knowing you you'll think I'm trying to get my way back in". No idea why she acted the way she did but. I don't know what her reasoning is and what her motives are but I do believe space is what is needed right now.
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Re: Really confused with my situation. Any help?

Postby Tarantula » Wed Apr 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Lol that's because she IS trying to 'get her way back in.'

Yes, I agree with you. Good luck with it.
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