Long Distance Relationship help

[Lulusinger]

Need some long distance advice!
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, we live four hours apart and he is a couple of years younger than me. We’ve been arguing a lot lately due to the distance. He has an extremely busy life work, college, and about a million hobbies which I can’t keep up with and a fairly good social life as well as demanding jobs from his family. I’m the opposite, go to work every day and then just go home and relax in the evenings, going out once or twice a week and visiting family, generally not having the best social life, but going out with friends now and again. We see each other every two weekends, taking it in turns to travel.
At the beginning he was wonderful always in contact always calling, taking up most of my time. But a few months down the line the contact is becoming less and less… because of his busy life, he rarely has time to talk to me anymore. I feel like I miss him so much that when I have spare moments in the evening to talk he just isn’t there to listen, I’m so in love with him but I feel like he just doesn’t feel the same way anymore and can’t make time for me. I keep telling him how I feel and that I would like him to speak to me more, but he then withdraws himself more. Then when I finally do get through to him, he’s communicates with me a fair bit like texting throughout the day when he has a spare moment and one call maybe which is perfect but then a few days later he goes back to the way he was… like yesterday I had one text in the morning, and then by time he was done with work and his hobbies he had to go to bed… and I never got to speak to him.
I just don’t know what to do, and for some reason I just can’t let him go, and I get the feeling that he probably wants to end this. His excuse is always being busy and that it doesn’t take a few seconds to contact me as my messages are so long… so I’m just not really sure how much contact a long distance relationship actually needs and if I’m asking for too much? All I’m asking for is a text every couple of hours to check in, a phone call a day and texting for an hour or so (not constantly) before bed. I keep making suggestions and plans of how to resolve this but he keeps saying plans won’t work… he and his parents also think that a relationship shouldn’t have to require any work or effort, and that it should come natural! I completely don’t agree as a feel that two people need to work together to make it last.
I just need help!

Thanks in advance

[Tarantula]

If you want to keep him, the best thing you can do right now is also the thing you would find hardest to do: STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE.

This guy is getting bored of your nagging and clingy behaviour.

I'm saying it from his point of view. I don't necessarily think you ARE being that way - I mean, I don't know what you say to him - but from what you've said to us about his behaviour, a man slowly giving less and less in a relationship MEANS ONLY ONE THING.... he is getting bored of your nagging and clingy behaviour.

What to do??

As I said you need to back off and show him, not tell him, SHOW HIM, that you are perfectly fine without him!

I know, I know, you don't wanna play games, you just want things to be consistent... but all relationships, no matter how long you've been together, involve some degree of game playing. There I said it.

You need to demonstrate something differenr from what you always do, how you always react etc.

He's not stupid. He knows how you feel and what you want. So stop telling him, in different ways, how you feel and what you want. In fact, stop having that conversation entirely. Instead, work on your social life which you mentioned wasn't great, take that photography class or whatever it is you keep saying you'll do but never get around to, find your own passions completely separate from him and then GUESS WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

He will start to wonder what's up!

Don't be surprised, when you manage to text less, ease your expectations of him, and build your own life away from him, if he SUDDENLY picks up the attention from his end. Make him curious about you again.

By the way, to be completely honest with you, I do think that expecting a phone call and an hour texting EVERY DAY is a bit much. I would expect regular texting every day, say a few times a day or whatever, and a phone or skype maybe every few days in between visits. But he should be able to have entire days without much of you in it, because he NEEDS that time to become CURIOUS about you again. It's hard to get excited about someone who is constantly on your phone and putting pressure on you to do things. This will push him away more and more.

Stop needing to know everything that's going on with him, and start building your own life and watch him come runnin'. I'm dead serious! If you want the dynamic in this relationship to change then YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR USUAL BEHAVIOUR. And, you must do this WITHOUT nagging, or putting guilt, or really saying anything at all.

Don't tell him 'well now I'm going to leave you alone, so there!' That will just make him think 'thank god, she's giving me a break!' and he will be RELIEVED to see you go.

You don't tell him anything. You just SHOW him, by your behaviour. Let HIM have the moment of checking his phone and going 'oh, she HASN'T text me. What's up with that?'

If this means going a few days without any contact whatsoever, then so be it. If he contacts you, be friendly, brief and don't tell him everything he wants to know. Just say you're on your way out with friends now (keep it vague) and will talk to him tomorrow.

I think you get the idea. Remember, if you want to salvage this relationship, you have to create tension and become a bit mysterious to him, and you must do it without any cattiness whatsoever. Otherwise he will continue to disengage.

[stephie2]

Relationships do take some effort and work but if two people want to be together they will get through it with a plan of action.

He may be feeling pressured by the demands and pulling away. I would back off a little and give him some space. If he wants to be with you then he will make the effort, if not then you at least know where you stand.

[Lulusinger]

Hi both,

I definitely agree that I need to give him some space... after this weekend we're not seeing each other for three weeks and I'm planning to fill that time with stuff for me and to give him space.

It's because I don't have many friends, and I'm feeling extremely lonely. So I rely on him to fill in that gap... and naturally because our relationship is long distance I thought we would just naturally text and call more. Because in the beginning say first few months he would constantly call and text and just take up most of my evenings and even then I wanted space! So I guess I just got used to that. From time to time I don't contact him for say half a day or so... and generally after that he does warm up to me. But then after that I can't help myself and constantly contact him because he goes back to the way he was and then he distances himself again!!

I really wanted to avoid playing games but I guess I have to to save this relationship. I never wanted to be viewed as the nagging or clingy girlfriend... I want to be a strong independent woman but I'm so in love with him that I can't handle it.

And another thing that affects our relationship is our long term goals - Basically his number 1 dream is to move to the US, even though he lived in the same town all his life, whereas I would just like to stay here in the UK even if it means moving up north to where he lives as I would like to explore different places in this country. But the US is such a big step for me as I'm so close to my mum and we only have each other, and I would hardly see her every year. Whereas he has a bigger family. But the US dream might not even happen for one thing he would need a job out there, and he hasn't even completed his apprenticeship yet to take on that permanent job. I respect the fact that he is ambitious and I have no doubt that he will become successful but we're worrying about something that may not even happen, and it is affecting the relationship. I want to stay in London for the time being as there are so many job opportunities here and I'm doing well career wise at the moment in a good job. And I know things can change so I just don't understand why he is worrying about this now as we're both so young. So that's another factor we argue about.

But I will definitely start to keep myself busy because I'm getting to the point where I'm just waiting and waiting for contact...

[boulding]

Hi
This is hard on you but you do need to take a big step back. Your suggested communication regime is oppressive and I think if I was expected to check in every two hours I'd start to think I was under surveillance.

Clearly he must be fond of you as he has made a long distance journey to see you over a period of nearly a year but it is reasonable that he has another life with friends when he's not with you. If you were in the same town you might have more of a life together but you're not so it wouldn't be fair to expect him to be thinking of you all the time. If you put this sort of pressure on him he's likely to run for the hills or find himself a nice girl who is a bit more easy going.

I think it's really good advice to stop phoning and texting and to fill your time with activities. That way you won't have time to think about him and when he does phone you'll have more to talk about.

Good Luck with the willpower.

[Lulusinger]

Thanks so much, to be honest my mental well being is a lot better when I'm keeping busy generally. I have begun taking a step back and it's already improving... I just need to control the dips in mood I have. Because when I vent or get sad and tell him about him, he distances himself. But what else am I supposed to do when this happens? And I miss him so much, and I just want him to be crazy about me like he once was. He did all the chasing in the beginning when I really didn't actually want to know.

But I will start looking into activities, frankly I'm finding my life boring as hell at the moment!

[stephie2]

I think the main thing is to fill up your time with activities. Take up some hobbies, join some groups and that way you can fill your time and essentially make some new friends along the way.

It will take your mind off your problems and also may be the solution to a few of them too

[Lulusinger]

Thanks Stephie I think I definitely need to get a life ... other people keep telling me to break up with him as he is supposedly tired of me, but I think I actually need to work on myself.

[stephie2]

In the end you will do what you want to do either way. But yes I agree working on yourself first is the main part.