I don't know what to do with this guy

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happyending
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I don't know what to do with this guy

Post by happyending » Thu Mar 08, 2018 10:46 pm

Hi, um I don’t really know how to start this because I’ve never been in this situation before. This is the first time I have had feelings for a guy, and I need advice.

On the 15th of November last year this guy messaged me on snap chat asking me if I worked where he did, I was quite bewildered because I don’t really remember where I put my snap chat username out for people to add me but that’s how we first started to talk. The first few weeks we would talk normally, get to know each other generally like where we’re from, family, interests/hobbies etc. I did not open up to him during that time but he said that he was beginning to like me, and I liked him too. We would message a lot and talk on the phone late at night after he confessed that he started having feelings for me. He did say that he’s been hurt before (the girl cheated on him), so he was scared to fall for anyone again. He didn’t like the LOVE word because he loved that girl and she had done him dirty like that. That relationship ended three years ago.

But yeah he lives relatively far, same country but other side, so we couldn’t meet straight away, I was studying and he would be working. But a time came when we did meet, 9th of January the following year. He arranged the place and time however he had forgotten and had me waiting there for a good while, I have to mention that I am quite shy around boys but he made me feel at ease. When it was time to go he said that he didn’t think it would work, the fact that he gave up easily hurt because he said things like “I want you. I like you.”, he made me feel bad for not being so open to him. After having said that to me, the next day i called him because I was confused, he said he had nothing to say. When I told him that it would be the last time I would speak to him he said “Goodbye”. The day after I called him again because I wanted to work things out between us, he said that day meant nothing to him and that he wasn’t going to put in any effort even though he likes me. The day after we didn’t talk much which bothered me because he told me before that he thinks about me all the time.

Since meeting him for the first time, there would be times where we would fight then not talk for a while but whenever that did happen I would be the first to try and fix it, when we had good times he would say things like “You’re so cute. I miss you.”, he also made sexual comments through text and over the phone. I have not been exposed to this type of environment around boys due to having strict parents, so when he would say sexual remarks I wouldn't know how to react. He said he found that cute but I feel that must have put him off.

The next time we met was on the 18th (same month), again it didn’t end well, he showed up but he said he was going somewhere then never came back, I called him and asked him where he was, he said he was on his way home, that really annoyed me because he could have at least said that he was going. He later on messaged me “I don’t love you and I never will”, he was very confusing. One day he would be totally into me, then the next day he would say mean things. The day after we didn’t talk much but the following day we made up. However, that didn’t last long because the day after we fought, again I was the one to call and we cleared it out, I did open up a bit of me to him. From then on we were fine. On the 1st of February over the phone he said the following: “He only wants me, he wants to help me, that I make him feel some kind of way no one else can”, and I believed him. The day after was the usual good day where we spoke a lot.

On the 3rd something happened at home and I needed someone to talk to so I talked to him about it and he really helped me calm down. The next day he messaged me saying that he got into an accident (he cycles on the road), so I got very worried but when I called he was okay. The reality of how much this man meant to me hit me that day because the thought of losing him hurt. Since then it was normal again, I felt like my feelings for him were getting deeper every day and I began to open up to him more because I trusted him.

On the 8th he went into detail about his first ever relationship with that girl he loved and she cheated on him. He caught a STI from her and felt betrayed because she lied to him and it was just all a mess after that (too much happened to go into detail), but he was very open about his past relationships and sexual encounters he’s had with people. I didn’t react well I have to admit so we fought which I instantly regretted but he called this time and we made up. He told me he doesn’t want to fall in love but he’s falling for me. He was crying over the phone because he was scared to lose me.

On the 11th he told me “I love you” over the phone. He talked about having a future with me and how he wanted me, but on the 19th he said “Whatever I said was a lie, I don’t even like you”, which made me cry (not the first time he’s made me cry), but he told me he wanted me to get angry at him which I didn’t, because I was scared to lose him. I told him that I rather get upset and cry about things rather than get angry but he still tried to get an angry response from me by saying hurtful things at other times. We didn’t talk much after that but we somehow ended up arranging a day to meet up on the 24th, he was on time and the outing went well, there was progress, but again near the end he just left like last time. I texted him that evening “sleep well”, but the next morning I wake up to a message saying “Goodbye, don’t contact me”, I was confused and annoyed. This wouldn’t have been the first time he’s pushed me away, I have pushed him away a few times (because I was scared) as well but not to this extent. He had blocked me on all social media, and all my phone calls would go straight to voicemail. I was so hurt and scared because I love this guy, he said he loves me too but why is he doing this?

Since that day (25th February), he hasn’t contacted me once. I’m sitting here wondering what the hell I did wrong, for him to just cut me off completely like this, he won’t answer any of my calls, he hasn’t unblocked me on anything and it’s nearly been a week. I just want to know whether he doesn’t want me anymore so I can try and move on, because he didn’t leave me with any closure. He promised me so many things, did he not mean any of that? I’m just so confused at the whole situation, because I don’t know why it’s all happening? I know that when you love someone it’s not all happy days but he always puts me in difficult situations where I feel so desperate when I try and work things out. The feeling of not knowing whether he doesn’t want me anymore or if he just wanted some time to sort his feelings out is always on my mind. I’m still waiting for him to reach out first, I gave him my heart and it just feels like he’s just left with it.

stephie2
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Re: I don't know what to do with this guy

Post by stephie2 » Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:50 am

I think you are better off without this guy. He is not doing your mental health any good. He abuses you, makes you sad, hurts you, insults you and yet you keep going back for more. That is not in the making for a loving, caring relationship. It is heading towards a controlling, hurtful relationship and that is not what you want surely?

I would block and delete his number and focus on a future where you can meet a man who will be a caring person that will want to be with you and share things with you in a caring, loving way.

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Tarantula
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Re: I don't know what to do with this guy

Post by Tarantula » Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:17 am

My dear, you need to run a mile.

This guy is abusive, controlling and narcissistic. He probably has a personality disorder, since he has no empathy towards you. You're just a tool to him - a means to an end. When he feels like it, he tosses you a bone, and what do you? Come running, that's what.

No no no. You need to understand that this guy has deep, deep issues that YOU CANNOT SOLVE, so quit trying. What is it that's actually good about him? That he exists? That's he's a bit nice to you sometimes, before he stitches you up and drops you again? Why are your standards so low?

Is it because you have super strict parents, is that it? I believe so. By being so controlling over you, now you are playing out the same pattern - allowing yourself to be controlled by others.

This is difficult, deep stuff, and I hope you can find the strength to walk away from anyone in life who doesn't treat you well. That includes your family.

Otherwise, you can look forward to more treatment like this. I know what you're thinking. You think you can change him, be the 'one girl' to change his life, that if you only stick it out for longer, eventually he'll become all that you thought he would be at first.

But wake up and look at the evidence. He's testing you to see how much poo you're dumb enough to put up with. Of course he's going to unblock you when it suits him, change behaviour, and wait for you to come running straight back like you always do. He wants you feel sorry for him because he knows that's the way to make sure you stick around for whenever he feels like giving you attention.

But you can choose differently. You don't have to be the fallback girl who keeps taking, taking, taking. By the way, he has definitely got other girls who he's manipulating in the same way. 100%. You are not the only one in the equation. He blocks you, goes back to them, blocks them, goes back to you. He needs to have someone paying attention to him at all times, so you're all on a rota.

You barely know him, and you built a fantasy around him 'cause you needed so badly for him to be the Big Thing in your life.

But you need to step back and look at this with some perspective. He's a douche and he will never treat you properly. Hate to break it to you, sorry for your loss, move on to someone who doesn't ruin your life.

It's as simple as that. Not easy, but simple.

This is your life. If you tolerate this, what's gonna happen next? How long are you willing to go just to keep some guy around?

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Re: I don't know what to do with this guy

Post by snail » Fri Mar 09, 2018 2:04 pm

I'm afraid I agree completely with the previous posters.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian

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