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Want to leave

PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 12:13 am
by Juliegg
I have been married for 16 years with my partner 22 years but desperately unhappy. I cannot find the courage to tell my husband its over.

Re: Want to leave

PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 10:01 am
by Tarantula
Show him this post. That should do it.

... on a serious note, you know you gotta be honest about these things. What's holding you back?

Re: Want to leave

PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 10:10 am
by stephie2
Unless you want to continue to be unhappy then I am afraid you are going to have to tell him. Surely he is picking up on the fact that there are problems? What is making you unhappy? Is it something that can be worked at or has the love gone completely?

Re: Want to leave

PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 5:07 pm
by Juliegg
Thanks for the replies. I had last week typed a big massive post with more details pressed send and nothing so wanted to just post this to make sure i was live.

My husband does nothing with me and the kids, he us always moaning at me and them. I feel he is always putting us down.

The main reason right now is that my health isnt great and i just dont have the energy.

I told him all this 2 years ago and he said we both had to change. None of us has so that in itself is proof neither of us are not that bothered.

I think he just plods along cause its easier. I cook his meals. pay half the bills and look after the kids.

J

Re: Want to leave

PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 9:50 pm
by David020549
My sympathy, you sound really fed up, if you get rid of him you've still got 2.4 kids, probably young teens how does that make your life better. If he left and got a place of his own how would the finances look then, could you stay in the house you have now, or downsize, or social housing?, he is quite likely thinking the same way but not able to make the decision for exactly the same reason.
On the other hand there may be plenty of cash and you could separate financially easily but if he is a "plodder" as you put it he's likely not on top wages, there are a lot of reasons to stay together at least until the kids are independant, you will still be young enough to spread your wings.

Re: Want to leave

PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 11:14 pm
by Juliegg
Thanks david020549.
We would need to sell up as none of us could keep the house on our own even though we are both on good money. Its just the upheaval.

I know for definite he would be a better dad to the kids as he would need to step up and do more with them.

When im not with him it all makes sense and seems so easy but when im with him i cant bring myself to say how im feeling.

J

Re: Want to leave

PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2018 8:52 am
by David020549
I certainly don't understand how your husband would become a better dad if he lived away from home, it makes every day to day task much more complicated. Also you are assuming " goodwill " if you kick him out, he might only do the minimum, say every other weekend.

Don't underestimate the cost of selling and running one house and buying two smaller ones, it is going to cost a lot more. Your husband does need to redouble his effort, you are doing too much if you became ill he would have to do it all then, maybe a week of him doing everything would wake him up.

Arrange a week away for yourself with a girlfriend, rest, recharge your batteries and see what happens I know quite a few mums who do just that.

D

Re: Want to leave

PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2018 9:22 am
by stephie2
I think you need to make him listen, tell him that you are not happy and that if things do not change then you will be making that change yourself. Things have to change or you will continue to feel this way and eventually be bitter. If he does not change some things then you will have no option but to walk.

Re: Want to leave

PostPosted: Thu Feb 15, 2018 5:24 pm
by reckoner
It seems that you have no interest in working to improve the marriage because, in addition to not having the energy, particularly with your health problems, you've also completely lost interest in the reward your husband represents. I can see how the continued patterns and habits since you identified the issues two years ago must have driven any sense of appeal or attraction to him from you, but I share David's concerns that ending the marriage and selling the house are not necessarily going to provide the improvements you think.

Might it be possible that the reason you can't tell him the point you've reached is that there is still some care for him there, and so worth making one big last effort before you give up? Even if not, it does show that communication is a major issue. It's nice to think that the same ability to tell him where you're at could also help to salvage the relationship - the ability to talk to each other and be honest about how you're feeling.

If you're struggling to explain yourself, you could instead try to find out what he's feeling to get behind the behaviour that frustrates and upsets you. Questions might be: Do you still love me? Do you still believe in this relationship? Why don't you get involved more with the kids? Are you happy? What would make you happy? If you can listen with an intent to understand, rather than judge and criticise no matter how justified you might be, hearing what he has to say might, at the very least, help you put words to what you want to say. If you can achieve a conversation that is honest, but also calm and respectful, then you have a foundation on which to work, whatever resolution you (both, hopefully) decide on.

You said that neither of you made the efforts you needed to over the last two years but maybe it's not because the relationship isn't important enough to either of you, but because neither of you have the energy. It's too easy to let bad habits and routines just carry on, however destructive, just because it's what we're used to doing. The big bad habit here, to me, is bad communication and it seems a terrible shame to cause all that upheaval if learning to talk to each other can avoid it.

Re: Want to leave

PostPosted: Fri Feb 16, 2018 1:56 pm
by Juliegg
reckoner wrote:It seems that you have no interest in working to improve the marriage because, in addition to not having the energy, particularly with your health problems, you've also completely lost interest in the reward your husband represents. I can see how the continued patterns and habits since you identified the issues two years ago must have driven any sense of appeal or attraction to him from you, but I share David's concerns that ending the marriage and selling the house are not necessarily going to provide the improvements you think.

Might it be possible that the reason you can't tell him the point you've reached is that there is still some care for him there, and so worth making one big last effort before you give up? Even if not, it does show that communication is a major issue. It's nice to think that the same ability to tell him where you're at could also help to salvage the relationship - the ability to talk to each other and be honest about how you're feeling.

If you're struggling to explain yourself, you could instead try to find out what he's feeling to get behind the behaviour that frustrates and upsets you. Questions might be: Do you still love me? Do you still believe in this relationship? Why don't you get involved more with the kids? Are you happy? What would make you happy? If you can listen with an intent to understand, rather than judge and criticise no matter how justified you might be, hearing what he has to say might, at the very least, help you put words to what you want to say. If you can achieve a conversation that is honest, but also calm and respectful, then you have a foundation on which to work, whatever resolution you (both, hopefully) decide on.

You said that neither of you made the efforts you needed to over the last two years but maybe it's not because the relationship isn't important enough to either of you, but because neither of you have the energy. It's too easy to let bad habits and routines just carry on, however destructive, just because it's what we're used to doing. The big bad habit here, to me, is bad communication and it seems a terrible shame to cause all that upheaval if learning to talk to each other can avoid it.


Thank you. I will think of all you have suggested.