becoming distant

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becoming distant

Postby elizabeth.cotton1 » Sat Jan 27, 2018 6:09 pm

me and this guy have only really recently been seeing each other. when it's just us two its very intimate and we are getting quite a close bond, around other people when he's with me he goes a lot quieter and although I know it's because he is quite shy, he almost seems disinterested. Recently he is becoming more distant, saying he can't really spend that much time with me due to one issue or another, and although this wouldn't usually be a problem I'm worried that it's my fault and he's getting bored. Although this relationship is very new he does become distant at times and I never want to push him or pressurise him to respond to my messages or requests to see him as I worry that that'll push him away further. I'm worried that it's at the point where if he has lost interest then he'll move on and we won't be together any longer, which is a difficult idea to consume as sometimes it's really good and I know that he's almost perfect for me, but then other times he blows a bit cold and I don't really know what to make of it, whether he wants me or not. I think it makes it difficult as well that he is a stoner as he relies a lot on drugs to take his mind off any issues, and as someone who doesn't smoke although I don't have a problem with his habits, it worries me that this too distracts him from conversing about any problems or worries he has.
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Re: becoming distant

Postby Tarantula » Sun Jan 28, 2018 1:20 pm

It's fairly clear to me that, for whatever reason, he has lost interest. This should not be happening at the beginning of a new relationship - it's supposed to be all fun and amazing. Did you talk about being exclusive together or was that kind of assumed? If it's not a clear relationship then it's possible that he has other options in his mind.

You're worried that it's your fault? Why? Are you someone who often takes too much responsibility for other people's stuff?

He's almost perfect for you, but he blows cold, you're having to write about him on the internet very early on and he's a stoner. To me, that label means, he smokes a lot of pot. Not like a little bit, otherwise he wouldn't be a stoner, he'd be someone who occasionally does a bit of weed. But you said stoner.

It seems like you've become attached very quickly and are now in the anxiety zone. At this point, you'll begin to settle for whatever he feels like giving you.

I think you need to step back from this situation and try to see it more clearly. He doesn't sound that perfect to me. I'm not saying he's 'bad' - just that there seems to be a contradiction between who you THINK he is and who he ACTUALLY is. Which is clear codependent/fantasist territory. This could be the beginning of a really awful time for you of pulling your hair out trying to understand him but ultimately having to watch his drug habit be more important than you.

That's my gut feeling.

Have you had a relatively stable, fulfilling relationship before?
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Re: becoming distant

Postby stephie2 » Mon Jan 29, 2018 12:14 pm

I would back off and leave him to it. Do you really want to be with someone who takes drugs, blows hot and cold and makes you feel this way?
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