took a loan behind my back

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took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 7:25 pm

went away for the weekend with my husband. i paid for it with money i received from my mother as a gift. he didnt have any on him until he gets paid and he said he would pay me back. i found out from a text message on his phone Monday morning that he had taken out a loan and as to pay back £153 when he gets paid. i wasnt going to check the message but glad i did now. i was really annoyed and hurt. he said he took it out last year then said it was 2 weeks ago to get diesel for work. he as taken out loans before behind my back and said its not to do with taking another woman out or cheating just to get him to work and if i hadnt of saw the text message we would still be getting on instead of like this arguing. he said he didnt want to ask me and didnt want me to pay for the weekend because he wants to pay and doesnt llke using my money. i would of lent him it as well. i feel he as just gone behind my back and i wished he could of told me and i would of been angry but at least it would of been better then finding out how i did. he said he didnt tell me because of the way i am and getting angry so he didnt tell me. i just keep thinking what if he is lying and it as gone on someone else. he as his own account and i have mine. i havent checked his account for ages. the last time when he took a loan out behind my back he said he would never do it again but he as. i said i want to keep hold of his bank card so i can check where the money goes and he says i will just see it goes on bills nothing else. i shouldnt have to check on him and trust him but now i cant and dont know where that leaves us. he as done this to many times now and im fed up with it. i would walk out and think about everything but i have no here to go and no one to stay with. what would anyone else do in my shoes and would they be thinking what kind of relationship they have and where its going when one partner keeps things from the other and says they have learnt there mistake but still do it again.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby stephie2 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 9:22 am

I think you need to sit down and have a long discussion about the effect of borrowing has on you and him. Maybe he is in some kind of trouble financially and isn't wanting to burden you with it. He could also do with some help with managing money. I think you need to know the ins and outs of everything first before you make any kind of decisions.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby David020549 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:14 am

Don't consider leaving until you have found out what is happening because that will make it worse for you both. Men and women cover up problems because they are too proud to admit it and think they can borrow to make to go away, or take part in all sorts of dodgy dealing and illegal activity to make ends meet.

Get is wage sheets, bank accounts, card receipts, PayPal account etc and find where the money is going, he may be spending too much just to please you or keep up appearances, once it is sorted keep an eye on him.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby Tarantula » Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:34 pm

I'm confused as to how his financial affairs are any of your business unless it affects YOUR financial affairs.

Speaking of affairs, why are you so scared that he's having one?

I think I'm missing something here. Are you his wife or his accountant? Why does he need you to keep an eye on how he spends his money? Keeping hold of his bank card? Whaaat?

He said he didn't want to ask you (for permission to take out a loan) and didn't want you to pay for the weekend. These two points make perfect sense to me. Is it possible that you are emasculating him by playing detective on his finances?

I'm not sure what the connection is between him taking a loan and him potentially cheating on you. You must have other reasons for thinking that he might be cheating on you?

Unless I've misunderstood, my suggestion would be that you back off a bit, and let him take care of his own business. I'm not sure that he's done much wrong other than lie about when he took the loan to try and avoid an argument with you and honestly, keeping his card or inspecting his statements or whatever - it all sounds like very controlling behaviour to me.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby David020549 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 8:05 pm

If you are in a meaningful relationship a couple should be sharing everything including finances, you can have illusions of being independant but you aren't. If one of you spends more than you should and the rent or mortgage cannot be paid it affects both of you and the kids as well if you have any, not sharing spending plans causes a great many breakups.

I have always discussed spending with my wife from day one, that does not mean I gave to go begging, as long as she is confident that she is getting a fair share there is no difficulty. That includes routine stuff like eating out and big ticket items like cars and new kitchens that may or may not mean a loan.

If you are so obsessive about independance, live Independently. In Lena's case you are both working, the loan is not that big, work together, move the relationship forward and share spending decisions in future.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 12:39 am

this is lena12. he came home asked if i wanted some tea making. i started asking him about the loan again and what i thought was £153 now turns out to be £300. i said i wanted to take a look at his bank account and he must of realised i would see that he took out £300 not £153 so he lied to my face and this is what is hurting me. i couldn't believe he took so much just for diesel, he is a sales rep. he said he was sorry but didn't want to ask me because i would be like the way i am now. i said i would of lent him it because i know i would of got it back. i was shouting and crying and saying its over, he said not to end it but he as done this before taking loans and not telling me. i asked if he owes a lot to loan sharks and i thought he was managing with his money, he said he is but it was just to get diesel. he said he had borrowed from this company last year that's why he tried it again and was surprised he got it. i asked why he got so much and he said £300 was the minimum he could borrow. he pays all the bills in the house as he works full time, i am seeking work but pay for little things in the home like orament's and buying some food and petrol for my car. i am using some money my mother gave me as a gift to live on for now. as for me thinking the money might of gone on another woman its is because in the past he went on dating sites so there's some trust issues. i thought we were ok and that he wouldn't take a loan again and if he did he would tell me. he seems to think i'm blowing all of this out of proportion and said what i would be like if he was having a affair if i'm like this about a loan. i don't want to be checking his bank account but i trusted him so haven't looked at it in over a year. am i wrong to feel hurt and that i was lied to by him about how much he actually took out. he said he as learnt his mistake but he said this last time he took out a loan, seems like hes bothered to me and thinks its ok to keep me in the dark about it. what kind of marriage is that.
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checked my phone

Postby pebba » Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:09 am

went away for the weekend with my hubby. had a nice time then he told me he had saw a text message on my phone. he must of been checking it when i was having a shower. the text was from a man i met about 3 years ago and cheated with. my husband knows about this as i told him and said to cut contact with him. my hubby signed up to 2 date web sites in the past and told me he didnt do anymore about it. he also had a text message on his phone from a woman, he said she had nothing to do with him, denied any cheating went on. now this man send me a message each week just to say happy friday. i get one now and then to say when i am going to see him. its only for sex and he doesnt want anymore and i know he is just using me. my hubby told me to block his number and i should but i never do. i think its to do with trusting my hubby after the date sites and text message he got and i think by keeping in contact with the other man then he is there if i find out my hubby is on any sites again and then i can cheat but i know its all wrong. i cant believe my hubby did not say a word all weekend about seeing the text message from this man and carried on as normal. he told me he doesnt feel in control and hope i will stop being in contact with him and even if he should let me be in contact with him. to me this is like saying he doesnt care and thats how much he feels about me that he just lets me carry on and not telling me to leave. if it was the other way round i would be telling him to pack his bags.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby David020549 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 7:55 am

Ah, he is a sales rep, he has to lie as part of his job and brings it home with him I know a few of those, car salesmen are probably the worst. They must be hell to live with, typically he will be a really nice guy, good looking and attentive, if he cannot manage money you either have to do it for him or give up and kick him out because he won't change.

It's ultimatum time either he lets you manage finances or he's out!
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby stephie2 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 10:42 am

lena12 wrote: he pays all the bills in the house as he works full time, i am seeking work but pay for little things in the home like orament's and buying some food and petrol for my car.


Now this changes everything.....

The guy is working and paying for everything and therefore is entitled to have something for him too regardless of where it is coming from. I don't mean to be rude but me and my partner both work and pay equal amounts for the bills and food etc but then what we have left is our own.

If I was paying for all the bills, shopping etc and my partner said to me that he wanted to know what I spent my money on then I would be telling him to mind his own business. Even now when we pay equal amounts he would never dream of asking me what I spend my money on or what my financial state is. If I ever got into trouble with money and expected him to bail me out then yes I agree he would have the right to scrutinise my finances but till that day comes he has no desire to know where and when I spend MY money.

As for the trust part then that is something you are going to have to work through. You either trust him or you don't. I don't think that borrowing £300 because he was short of money is an indicator that he is a cheat.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:56 pm

lenna12 here. yes he pays for everything and i do my bit which is not as much as him but i dont see that its right he took it out behind my back then lied to my face saying it was £100 then £300. he said the trust can always be built up again but how can it when he as done it in the past and said then he wouldnt do it and made a mistake. the money i got from my mother was supposed to be spent on me but i ended up buying stuff for the house and paying for things and he got the benefit out of it as well. yes we all want a little money to spend and keep for ourselves and i have never stopped him from using his own money to buy himself things. he does have enough left to do this. what im trying to say is that if your partner took out loans behind your back and you found out and they said they are just spending it on diesel then wouldnt you be asking them why the big secret and not be worried it could be going on something else. im sure you would have a few doubts in your head going on and would want to know why they do it when they said they wouldnt do it again and if they did they would tell you.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby Tarantula » Sun Jan 28, 2018 1:30 pm

I can understand why you're upset about the lying part, but it could be he just wants an easy life and will say any old thing to avoid you kicking off.

Which makes him a bit of a coward to not put you in your place and tell you 'look, what I do with my money is none of your business unless it affects YOU, which this doesn't, so stop.'

But that's not as bad as what you seem to think - that him taking a loan = him cheating. Are you the same person as pebba? If so, then it's clear to me that this is all about previous cheating and nothing to really do with the money.

Again I say, you are not entitled to manage, inspect or critique his finances unless it affects you ie. if you have a shared mortgage and then he can't pay, or whatever. Otherwise, stay out of it.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby stephie2 » Mon Jan 29, 2018 12:08 pm

lena12 wrote: what im trying to say is that if your partner took out loans behind your back and you found out and they said they are just spending it on diesel then wouldnt you be asking them why the big secret and not be worried it could be going on something else. im sure you would have a few doubts in your head going on and would want to know why they do it when they said they wouldnt do it again and if they did they would tell you.


To be honest I never ask my partner what he does with his money and if he took a loan out and never told me that again is not my business as I am not the one paying it back. I get a bonus every year and the majority of the time it goes on the house and not myself. Not because I am forced to but because its my home too and I enjoy looking around and seeing things that I have bought in there.

I think you are making too much out of this. I think what this boils down to is that you want full control and the fact that he has done something without your "approval" is irking away at you.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Thu Feb 01, 2018 6:21 pm

lena12 here. ages ago i was using his laptop i saw a message on his email from a swingers site. he said his account had been hacked and it wasnt him. i thought this was rubbish because who would do such a thing when all they have to do is open a fake email account to go on a site. why would they use his. also he changed his password on his gmail account a few months back. said google told him to do it, cant remember what reason he said they gave to do it. who as had this message from gmail before? i havent. his work phone goes last night at 11, said it was a automated message to everyone. i was half way up the stairs when i heard it, he came up not long after showed me his phone and there were 5 others that hadnt been checked yet. i thought maybe he could of deleted the one that came at 11. told me the message came at 10 30 but because he hadnt heard it it beeped again at 11 to remind him he as a message. he as a iphone 7. do phones do this? he as been using his works phone for the alarm as his other one is broken. he gets messages at 10 or later sometimes and this as gone on a couple of times over time, says its work. i have never checked to see if it was. this is way i want to check his bank account because of this going on.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Thu Feb 01, 2018 7:21 pm

lena12. just found out from his laptop he as been on looking at porn sites. he had a image of 2 women together all over each other and another pic but i was so shocked i told him i saw it and he went quiet. i said why didnt he delete them said he forgot and that it was weeks ago. but i know he kepted them there because he wanted to keep looking at them. he said he forgot he had them only found out by looking at his laptop and going through the bank account. said he hadnt been up to anything for years then i find this. told me he ha been looking at it when i was out shopping. he done this years ago to me and i told him what it did to me and how it affected me and made me feel said he would stop then found out he had videos of porn in his car boot that he had got from his brother. so he lied to my face yet again. told him hes addicted says hes not. now i know that when we have been having sex he must of been thinking about them girls. i told him i use my imagination why couldnt he and i dont need to see pictures of naked men. i went up to his face and felt like thumping him he said go on and got a knife from the draw, said to use that instead. i have no where to go and now i know the marriage is over.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Thu Feb 01, 2018 9:55 pm

lena12. we are splitting up and in away im glad its over. now i wont have the worry of what hes doing and what lies he will say to my face.
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