Should I move on?

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Should I move on?

Postby Fwky03 » Tue Jan 23, 2018 7:14 pm

So I've been with my girlfriend now for almost 10 years. We started dating when I was 25, she is my first serious relationship. We have lived together for 3 years and before that with parents over the weekend etc.

Recently I've been feeling lost with the relationship, for as long as I can remember we have not been interment and don’t have sex at all. I know relationships aren't going to be exciting all the time but I’m now starting to think this isn’t normal for our age. I’ve approached the situation a number of times over the years with no joy.

She is very self conscious of her weight and says that’s the reason she doesn’t it like anyone. I’ve told her so many times I love her the way she is but when asked I’ve helped her with her diet and exercise. I’m by no means fit or skinny but more happy in my skin. Only so much I can do tbh.

My girlfriend is a really lovely person. Kind, thoughtful, caring, loving and never stops telling me how much she loves me and how much I mean to her.

There is lots of reasons I love her and we are comfortable together but there is no excitement in the relationship and it’s starting to bother me.

I like to go out and socialise with friends and she would rather stay in and watch films and invite some mates around. we share some interests but as we get older it seems to be getting less. when we go out together we don't really have a good time anymore and I get rude with her when I’m drinking so we don’t do that much anymore. I can only think it because I’m frustrated buy the lack of romance in the relationship, but even that isn’t bothering me like it was. I have the internet to help me with that...

I think back to when we first met and were dating and why I liked her so much, But she not that person anymore. She used to be confident, sexy and comfortable in herself, which is why I was so attracted. There isn't anything awful in the relationship that is making me think it’s over, Its just everything is just predictable, standard, mundane.

Should I really end a very serious relationship and break a lovely person's heart just because I'm bored and selfish?

Would appreciate any help.
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Re: Should I move on?

Postby stephie2 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 10:03 am

I think you need to sit her down and tell her all of this. To be honest just staying in a relationship because it is habit and you don't want to hurt her is not doing either of you any good. You need to sit her down and be honest. Tell her that you really do want it to work and you want to get the excitement back into your relationship but make her aware that this is a serious situation and that it cannot be ignored.
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Re: Should I move on?

Postby Fwky03 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 11:35 am

Thank you for replying. On more than one occasion I’ve said it’s important to me and what can I do to help you. She says it’s because of weight and once she gets slim she things will improve. I’ve been waiting for many years now. I’ve said we should she someone like a councillor but was told that’s weird and it’s not happening. Also the latest thing is with her approaching 33 she is now worried about having children late. This makes me angry because it must be obvious that’s not normal.
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Re: Should I move on?

Postby David020549 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 11:45 am

Do all that Stephie suggests but she needs to loose weight, you need to support her in that goal so that she can feel good about herself, her health and mobility will really suffer if she is badly overweight. When her weight returns to normal her libido will recover.

If she is badly overweight chances of conceiving are poor and problem pregnancy is high, loose weight first that should be an incentive, my daughter is a midwife and tells of awful problems obese mums have.
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Re: Should I move on?

Postby snail » Wed Jan 24, 2018 12:43 pm

It might be useful to ask yourself, if she woke up tomorrow slim, would that be enough to save the relationship? Would you want to sleep with her again, would she want to sleep with you, and if you had that sex life, is that enough to fix things, so that you could go on and have children together and stay together for the rest of your lives? Or do you, deep down, want to leave anyway? You will both have changed a lot in ten years, especially if this was your first serious relationship. It may be that you are better suited to being with other people.

She must be at least as unhappy in this relationship as you are (whether she shows it or not) and her weight gain is probably linked to this unhappiness. Possibly she unconsciously wants the relationship to end, she just isn't able to find the strength to do it or doesn't want to be the one who gives up, so by staying overweight and refusing sex, and also refusing any kind of help, she is forcing your hand.

I do think you should bring it up with her again, and suggest a trial separation (less scary than actually stating that you are breaking up). This will convey to her how serious the issue is, and perhaps she will be galvanised into change, and perhaps that change will be enough for you. But you can't go on as you are now - two things that are looming ahead in your future are an affair (and that will be so much more messy and painful than just splitting) and her possibly losing the chance to have children. If you act now you can avoid those much worse things.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Should I move on?

Postby stephie2 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 9:25 am

Fwky03 wrote:Thank you for replying. On more than one occasion I’ve said it’s important to me and what can I do to help you. She says it’s because of weight and once she gets slim she things will improve. I’ve been waiting for many years now. I’ve said we should she someone like a councillor but was told that’s weird and it’s not happening. Also the latest thing is with her approaching 33 she is now worried about having children late. This makes me angry because it must be obvious that’s not normal.



Encourage her to join a group where everyone is in the same boat. I have recently joined slimming world and they are a fantastic group. No one judges and everyone is there to achieve the same thing. I have just lost half a stone in 2 weeks. The support you get and others experiences really help. She may feel ashamed but she has no need. I was worried too about going and being the biggest there but there are some way bigger than me and even the smaller ones spur you on!

She is looking at this all from her perspective but she needs to understand that this effects you both.
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