Do I stay or do I go?

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Do I stay or do I go?

Postby troubledme » Fri Jan 19, 2018 5:12 pm

I am a 50 year old divorced woman, who, 3 years ago met and fell in love with a man. We had a long distance relationship for about 18 months. He then got a really good job in the area where I live. We moved in together. As far as I knew, we had the perfect life, he was loving, attentive, we lived in a lovely house, had a great life together. Then last September, when I was just back from a holiday with my daughter, I found out that he had messaged an ex and they were sexting . To say I was shocked is an understatement. Then, after becoming totally paranoid I did some digging and found out that he had had a previous relationship with another woman, 1 year into our long-distance relationship. It lasted for at least 6 months, then he suddenly finished it. These are two different women and two different circumstances. He said the texting was just nothing and foolish, the other woman was because he wasn't serious at the time about me and didn't know with long distance, whether or not it would go anywhere. He also said since we moved in our relationship had grown stronger - I thought so too before knowing all this!
The last 4 months have been difficult to say the least. He has cried, I have cried. He has tried everything to keep me. He's given me access to all his social media accounts (as far as I know) He has really done everything to try and prove that it was a mistake and we should stay together. We still live together and I am trying to gett over it, albeit, very slowly. My problem is, I just don't feel the same. I have this tight knot in my stomach most of the time, my health has suffered since (I had a breakdown 4 years ago and struggle to keep from going back there). I have lost my self esteem. If I'm honest, I don't feel that he loves me. I'm not sure how I feel about him. We tell each other 'i love you' but if feels as if its false. I also wonder if I am being true to myself. Should I give up and walk away or should I stay and see if things work out? HELP!!!
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Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Postby Tarantula » Sat Jan 20, 2018 12:10 pm

I think you already know the answer to that question.
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Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Postby David020549 » Sun Jan 21, 2018 8:12 am

Tarantula has a no tolerance policy, one strike and you're out, maybe that is the choice you make but there are very few men that will meet that goal and even fewer over 50, you are searching amongst other womens cast offs and most have issues or one kind or another.
My own view is that according to your post he is a good man who has done wrong, he has apologized, you should forgive and forget, messaging is pretty low on the scale of disloyalty, an affair or abuse is much worse. If you are so sensitive to insecurity within a relationship then set up on your own and live a single life, maybe you will want a man for sex then date as you wish, there is no reason you cannot enjoy yourself, for security and companionship rely on yourself it gets lonely at times but is no hassle, a lot of women make that choice.
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Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Postby reckoner » Sun Jan 21, 2018 11:06 am

My view tilts towards David's. I have some sympathy for his explanation of the woman he was seeing while your relationship was long distance. That you say he broke it off suddenly strikes me as a decisive action on his part once he felt your relationship was a definite goer. I have less sympathy for his sexting of the ex, but his regret and efforts to recover the situation seem genuine. Overall, I think his show of commitment to you outweighs these infidelities.

However, if you decide to forgive, you really do have to forgive: draw a line under it, never bring it up, no matter how bad a subsequent conflict becomes. You can't allow a shadow of these infidelities to be cast on your future. That's a commitment to trust him that you have to make. If that's not possible for you, then I think you're both better off ending the relationship.
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Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Postby Tarantula » Sun Jan 21, 2018 1:42 pm

Did I read this correctly?

He had a six month relationship with another woman, one year into the relationship with you. David, that constitutes an affair.

It doesn't matter that it was long distance. If you were together, as in, in an agreed exclusive relationship, whilst he also had a relationship with another woman behind your back, then he's a cheat and you'll never be able to trust him. If you weren't in a relationship at that time, then it's different. But you said that you were, so that's how I'm taking it.

Unless you think you actually CAN trust him, in which case, go ahead. But from your post it seems crystal clear to me that you cannot (and I don't blame you), and so on that basis, end the relationship as reckoner says.

In your words, your health has suffered and you've lost your self esteem as a result of this.

I think I would be doing a disservice to you to say anything other than

time to go. What you've written is very clear. It has nothing to do with 'one strike', though it depends on what we call a strike. Was it the first time he was with this other woman behind your back? The second? The tenth? I trust there were many more than ten times during that six month period.

Is there even any point to talk about the sexting with the ex? I mean what more do you need?

You don't know what's out there in terms of new possibilities for better love - no one does. Regard yourself high enough to be willing to take that risk... or stay and suffer the ongoing ball ache of 'will he do it again.'

Don't stay because of an 'old and desperate', 'ain't no good men left out there' stereotype. Leave because everyone deserves the basic respect of being with someone who won't go behind their back... whatever your age.
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Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Postby stephie2 » Mon Jan 22, 2018 10:43 am

I think that from your post you are already saying that you are losing feelings for him. If that is the case then there is no point in staying in the relationship. Yes the guy has apologised and admitted he did wrong but sometimes that is not enough to repair the trust that has been broken.

You say that you have mental health issues and have had a breakdown. I feel that all this stress and tension that you are feeling is only going to result in your own health suffering. It may be best if you live separately and then if you feel that you can still see each other try to work on it from there with some space in between you both. If your feeling that you are not wanting to be in the relationship though you are better telling him and moving on with your life rather than just staying out of pity.
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