Advice please! Have I done the right thing?

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Advice please! Have I done the right thing?

Postby Jp23475 » Mon Jan 15, 2018 8:42 pm

My 5 year relationship ended badly last January when my ex cheated on me whilst I was away on holiday. About 2 months later I met someone new online (Badoo), he is almost too good to be true, he is kind, gentle, funny and drop dead gorgeous, we live 40 miles apart but met 2 - 3 times a week initially. He asked me straight away what I was looking for and I said I wasn’t really looking for anything serious but I might if it was with the right person, he said he is looking for a long term partner someone to come home to each night etc. He asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of times but I declined as I had recently come out of a long term relationship and felt it was too soon. We carried on meeting he took me on lovely dates, meals etc. and in October he told me that he loved me and we decided to be a couple.

Before we became official I noticed that on his social media such as Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook he was often adding attractive woman who lived local to him. When I go on Instagram on my activity feed it is mainly him liking various woman's revealing/bikini photo's as with on Facebook which I find disrespectful, also on Instagram he follows 800 attractive woman and adds more most days! I also looked at a message that popped up on his phone and it was a message from one of the woman he added saying "I'll do your eyebrows for you xxx" so he has obviously been pursuing these woman in some way.

I knew he was speaking to these people in the background but sort of ignored it, I did speak to my ex on a regular basis which he of course didn't really know the extent of. I never gave my ex any hope of getting back together or told him that i loved him but he has been going through a really bad time in his life and we both needed closure and decided to try and be friends. This was a sort of tit for tat situation i knew what he was doing, i knew i shouldn't necessarily be doing what i was doing but i wouldn't really lose anything if it came to heads because this guy was lying to me anyway.

Anyway, I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he would stop actively looking for other woman now we were a couple but after 2 months of the same I confronted him and he made out like he didn’t think these things would upset me and that he hadn’t been doing anything wrong. He is constantly online on Social Media and I have a hard time believing he genuinely loves me or has any good intentions when he is actively looking for someone else to be with. I am insecure because of my previous relationship but this doesn’t seem like normal behavior to me. He says I am his world he wants me to move in with him so he can come home to me every night but as soon as my back is turned he is speaking to people behind my back. He says they are not flirty conversations and I am his woman but I find it hard to believe. Why would he be asking to meet someone for her to do his eyebrows for a start!! What I don’t understand is if he wanted to meet other woman why didn’t he just leave our relationship casual the way it was instead of pressuring me to be exclusive with him? Is he the cat who got the cream?

He always does all of the pursuing and I rarely message him first but I am the one who drives to his house 90% of the time (he works 2 hours from my house and has a dog which he can’t bring to sleep at my house), we used to go for nice meals and on nice day trips but now i usually bring him dinner and we stay in and don't do much, am I convenient to him or being strung along? What does this man want from me if anything? Also how wrong is it of me to be speaking to my ex casually?

I have split up with this guy because actions speak louder than words, I dont want to get hurt again but i also dont want to chuck away the best thing to happen to me in a long time... also i am scared that i have ruined everything by speaking to my ex behind his back anyway. Advice anyone please!
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Re: Advice please! Have I done the right thing?

Postby reckoner » Tue Jan 16, 2018 12:39 am

Well, to me, it sounds like no woman is ever going to be able to successfully compete against this guy's phone. I don't believe at all that he's actively / actually into any of those women as much as he's into the idea of however many more being able to ping him on his phone whenever.

Being glued to your phone is a real problem. There's a good documentary on it if you don't believe me (Stare into the lights, my pretties on thoughtmaybe.com). I expect this guy genuinely believes he's made a solid commitment to you by being physically present in the room with you. Just never mind where his head is.

You need to draw a line under things with your ex, and he needs to go app himself.
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Re: Advice please! Have I done the right thing?

Postby Tarantula » Tue Jan 16, 2018 11:19 am

Mmmmm sign of the times.

All these other women are fantasy only. I doubt he has any real intention of meeting them in the flesh whilst he's with you.

But you're right, it is disrespectful and it sounds like he has an addiction problem, perhaps stemming from an inferiority complex where he just has to feel his options are open and he 'could if he wanted to'.

I think it's a combination of him not wanting to stop, and him not being ABLE to stop. Perhaps if he tries to stop then he gets anxious and just feels compelled to log back on. That's what addiction is. I reckon he's probably all over the porn all day too.

He might be a good talker and used to do dinners and that, but if you're the one doing the actual work of going there every time to see him, then it begins to sound like you're just on dial. When he talks about moving in together, do you think he's serious?

As for you speaking to your ex... it really depends on what you speak about. If you're having drawn out emotional conversations then that's not cool. If it's the occasional how's it going, then I think that's okay. Although I'd ask you, why are you bothering? He cheated on you! Don't need me to tell you that? But apparently you do need random internet person to tell you that, if you're still giving him your time.

I'm gonna go on an intuitive leap here and say you're probably still hung up on your ex. And this other guy was a distraction. To put it another way, if the other guy was for you, then you wouldn't have turned him down to be in a relationship several times; you wouldn't have wanted to risk him changing his mind, if you were really that into him. So I think before his social media antics, he was kinda the alright guy... but nothing too magical, and you're still caught up in the past. From that perspective, it doesn't really matter what this guy is doing or not doing online. You're both just different flavours unavailable, for different reasons.

Also the fact that you're asking about how bad it is that you're speaking to your ex.. tells me that it isn't the casual light chat, it is deeper - much deeper.

So... I think you should leave Mr Social Media alone, for many reasons, and focus on distancing yourself from your ex. You gotta get him out of your system or you'll never be able to move on to a good relationship.
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Re: Advice please! Have I done the right thing?

Postby stephie2 » Wed Jan 17, 2018 11:46 am

I agree with the other comments listed here. There does seem to be some distraction from your ex but also you are questioning a lot of things with the new guy. I think if you do not want your ex and that you do care about going forward with this social media guy then you should lay everything out of your expectations of his behaviour for the future. If he is not happy to comply with these reasonable requests then you should just walk away and let him get on with it and move forward with your own life. If you have any feelings left for your ex then it is equally not fair to continue with a relationship with a further person.
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