my head is messed up!!

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my head is messed up!!

Postby Lanamay » Sun Dec 31, 2017 11:43 am

hi all. I don't know where to begin.

i have been with my partner for 13 years. Over the past 4 years we have been through many emotionally and mentally challenging times. We have overcome them with great difficulties and very challenging times but I honestly felt like we had cone through it all stronger than ever. with both of us being a cheat ( admitted what I done was a lot worse) we had forgiven each other. realised it changed our relationship and started to move in a new dire tion together.

However over the past few months my head is all over the place. My partner loves learning laungages and has added people on Skype so that he can talk to them learn and help them. I think it's amazing what he is doing and I am proud of what he is doing.

However there is one person that he talks to that i feel so uncomfortabke with I'm actually going crazy. so since he talking on Skype he became very possessive of his phone. he wouldn't leave it anywhere. would stop during the family times to message back etc. all of which were warning flags for me from our experiences before. After confronting my partner and explaining that i dont thibk he understand what he's doing he was more transparent
he would leave his phone around but would know if I had looked at it. The conversations I have always seen were all just a friend base. not much of a learning experience for either. I know they have become very close friends with them sending pictures of everything food. outdoors etc.. videos of her dancing in a nightclub with friends etc. My partner knows how uncomfortable I am with this one person and I've told him it's because they have been come very friendly very quickly he has shown that be has a lot of trust in this person by giving out our personal details. he has also told me he finds her attractive and when asked if he fancies her he went all giggly school boy.

i told my partner how i feel as we have been arguing over her for the past months. every time they video call and chat I go in a downward spiral. it's only the one person. he talks to other females but that doesn't bother me. Anyway I've told my Partner that I can't do this anymore. my head is so messed up that the jealousy and paranoia is just too much. he said he wanted to be with me but when asked of he would stop talking to the woman he said no as he doesn't cut friends out of his life for no reason.

I literally feel like I'm drowning. I still love him so much and really want to be with him but know if he carries on messaging it will keep me jealous and paranoia and eventually I will hate him for it.

someone please actually just tell me that I am crazy and that my head is so messed up. I don't know what to do anymore I'm running on empty....
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Re: my head is messed up!!

Postby David020549 » Sun Dec 31, 2017 9:40 pm

Partners who appear to have close friends of the opposite sex are always a source of trouble, in your case they have not actually met and it is all out in the open rather than secretive, so from that point of view you know what the opposition is.
Your boyfriend might even enjoy you being jealous but as you have asked him to break off contact and he has refused you have 2 choices. Walk out on him with all that entails and hope the reality of that makes him see reason, or, make sure that if they do meet you are there to fight your corner.

All that depends on where she lives and what she is like in reality, she may be attractive but you know him, is she his type, could he handle her, is she looking for a sponsor to get into the UK. If you want to stay with him you need to fight clever, make sure your day to day relations are good because being frosty is only going to make him worse, in your post you said you are no saint, so you know how strong infatuation can be

I do realise how much pain this is causing you but as this is an online affair perhaps it is best to let it run its course, the time to fight dirty is if they are going to meet.
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Re: my head is messed up!!

Postby Lanamay » Sun Dec 31, 2017 10:27 pm

i have tried letting it run it's course but I feel at my wits end. I'm suffering from Anxiety/depression/self hatred etc (undiagnosed) it's been 3/4 months. I've had to call it a day as there is a trust issue and like he said if he gives up talking to her which is against who he is as a person then I would just start on the next one.

I would like to believe we would have both learned from previous mistakes but I do understand what he is saying.

I think it boils down to my mistakes what I have done and seeing things that re similar and jumping to conclusions.

I hope his friendship will be worth it and I do hope he gets as much out of it as he can. he has deleted all their conversations now aswell so I can't even put my mind at rest.

What is done is done. I need to move on and let him do his thing. so for now we decided to be friends and the best parents that we can be.

What a way to end the year :cry:
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Re: my head is messed up!!

Postby Tarantula » Mon Jan 01, 2018 10:52 pm

Hi Lana

I feel you. Very, very sad. But I think you've done the right thing.

Give him space, don't reach out and see if he comes to his senses. If not, then you know where you stand.

His relationship with this fantasy woman is inappropriate whilst he's in a relationship. One thing might lead to another and they could well end up meeting in real life, and maybe he'll realise that she doesn't live up to his fantasy of who he thought she was. Or she might not like him, I dunno.

But that's his business now. All you can do is back off, show him that you are able to cope without him, and think about how you can make sure that your next relationship is much more stable. That means no cheating from either side.

I understand you're in a lot of pain and it's going to take time to make sense of it all. But I think deep down you know, and have known for a while, that this relationship was on a downward spiral.

If there'd only hope for the two of you, then it's giving each other space, not being in contact, to see if there's anything worth fighting for after some time has passed.

I know it's hard, but I say, give it a good couple of months without seeing him or texting him, and then see if he wants to meet for coffee. That's really all you can do now.

Of course, in the mean time you can work on all the other aspects of your life - career, friendships, fitness etc. If he loves you, he will come around, trust me. And if he doesn't, then well, you're free to be with someone who will.

No more struggle. Now the way forward is clear.
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Re: my head is messed up!!

Postby Lanamay » Tue Jan 02, 2018 11:46 am

thank you for your reply.

We have to be in contact as we have 2 kids together nd he has no where to go or stay and no means of moving pit yet. so he has to get himself on his feet now and that is all going to be his doing. I will never see him without but he has to work this part put for himself.

hopefully I can build my trust up and learn not to give it to my h thought. I wish things were different as I really love him.

Time to put my chin up though and keep trying to move forward.

Thank you
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Re: my head is messed up!!

Postby stephie2 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 1:33 pm

I think that when the trust has gone from a relationship it is always hard to move on with life and hope that the relationship stays the same. I feel that the jealousy you feel stems from the cheating in the past from both of you.

I too feel that he should not have been having these kind of chats with other women when in a relationship as it is never a good ending. Did she know that he had a partner to begin with?

I think maybe it is for the best if you cannot trust each other to be apart. Seldom does it last a second time around when it is something so serious that you split for in the first place. Just concentrate on yourself and your children and see where you go from there. Just take one step at a time. Also if your sharing the house presently just remind him that there should be some respect shown whilst in the home.
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Re: my head is messed up!!

Postby Lanamay » Mon Jan 15, 2018 9:04 am

I agree. I trust him in all other aspects even with everyone else he talks to just thus one person he seems to do everything he can to make her happy because they are "great friends"

the children are still none the wiser are as our family and friends we ha vent opened yo and told them yet as even when we do he will have to stay with me and build himself up as he has no jib or income and I'm the only earnee in the house. no matter how much we disagree on things I would never ever see him go without.

he said she knows but I do question that. he openly talks about me with ours and have read that but I've never seen a mention with my name on her writings to her. I feel bad cause I believe he just likes the flattery. he is at home alone all day whilst i work and she breaks up his day and gives him something to do. from what I can see she goes out I don't know how to do this or I can't do this and he will go out of his way to do it. e.g she met a woman she can't message due to being unable to get a certain app. he then downloads app after saying he would never ever get these app after his friends have begged him for years. just so he can message this woman for her and act as a piggy in the middle. it's the sweetest thing but he just doesn't see it the way I do.

my heads in a better place. I still get bad feelings about them 2 buy in trying to let it rude out and just leave him do what he wants. after all it's her he choose so she must be special in a way I can't see!!!
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Re: my head is messed up!!

Postby stephie2 » Mon Jan 15, 2018 10:30 am

I think you are being very good about this to be honest. At the moment as I see it you are financing him whilst he sits at home talking to another woman. I am sorry but I would be saying you can spend your day looking for a job not chatting up another woman! This is dangerous ground so please just be careful.
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Re: my head is messed up!!

Postby Lanamay » Sat Jan 20, 2018 2:46 pm

Thanks Steph. he is now looking for a job and panicking as he has no financial stability and knowing that he will not be able to live with me forever he has started to look and I've also paid for some courses for him to do in the mean time hoping that this will help with his job prospects. Just hate how all this situation has unfolded because of my insecurities. I guess after all that happened between us I just needed it to be us two for sometime and didn't need any other men/women in the picture. it would be different if it was a mutual friend or even someone he would introduce me to etc but it's his friend. Never mind though onwards and upwards learn from all previous mistakes and live with all the good that we have achieved between the two of us and just concentrate on the family element we have together. xx
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Re: my head is messed up!!

Postby stephie2 » Mon Jan 22, 2018 10:45 am

Put your purse away and stop giving him money. Don't pay for anything more for him. You have nothing to feel bad about. While ever you are giving him money and paying for his life he is going to keep on taking. Think about yourself now and let him move out and get on with providing for himself.
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