Lost the plot :-/

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Lost the plot :-/

Postby gillbee » Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:42 pm

Hi everyone.....I'd be grateful for any self help tips anyone can give me because I'm causing myself untold grief and anxiety. My marriage broke down 8 years ago, and I started a relationship with another man who consistently lied to me and let me down time and time again. That relationship eventually finished and after a while I entered into another relationship with someone who I can only describe as a narcissistic sociopath. He was verbally and mentally abusive and made my life a misery for two years until eventually I snapped and threw him out, ten months ago. Since then I've been on my own and quite happy, but almost three months ago I met a guy that I'd known as an acquaintance for 40 years. On the day we met, it was as though we'd never really seen each other before in a romantic kind of way. Since then we've seen each other four or five nights a week, he's booked a flight for me to go out to his apartment in Spain next June and we're planning to buy a house next year and move in together. Despite all this, I'm still suffering from dread and anxiety that he'll suddenly change his mind and walk away leaving me heartbroken. My feelings for him are stronger than I've ever had for anyone in my entire life and I'm terrified of losing him. I think this may be a throwback to my two previous relationships because my current partner has treated me with nothing but consideration, respect and understanding ever since we started our relationship, and I have no reason whatsoever to doubt him. No one has a bad word to say about him, and he was already a good friend of several of my family members. Why am I beating myself up like this, feeling that I'm not good enough and some time soon he's going to realise that and end it? He tells me he's going nowhere and this is it for him but I can't bring myself to believe someone like him would want a relationship with me. I'm making myself ill with worry and apprehension at a time when I should feel that at last everything's going right for me. Please, please could someone talk some sense into me, or give me some ideas on how to calm the hell down before I ruin everything! Thank you so much xx PS I'm 58, he's 56. I'm far too old to be carrying on like some hormonal teenager :-(
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Re: Lost the plot :-/

Postby David020549 » Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:10 am

Hi, if you were a teenager you wouldn't hesitate you would be blindly in love and go with him, fast forward 40 years and you are in self protection mode and it is much more complicated. This is a man that you have known for many years, so his character is an open book, his relationship history should be easy to find out if you don't already know.

At this point I suggest you are cautious especially if he has a close family, as he has a house in Spain he is wealthy and children have expectations for inheritance, at present you are a girlfriend and they will be friendly towards you, marry him and you will become the wicked witch overnight. DONT underestimate that scenario it will make your life miserable I have seen many major fights over money, only rarely are second time marriages happy when money is involved.

Are you " good enough", yes, you are the woman he wants, he knows your background he is comfortable with you, the other question you need to ask yourself is, are you going to fit into his social circle. There is one negative in your posting, why is he booking a flight to Spain in 8 months time, if I had a house in warmer climes I would be wisking a new girlfriend off now.
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Re: Lost the plot :-/

Postby stephie2 » Fri Dec 08, 2017 12:07 pm

Of course you are going to be nervous and cautious due to your past experiences.

The main thing is remembering that not every person is going to be the same and that you have to take that chance to live again. Just take it one step at a time and see how things go. You have to live your life for the future and not the past :) Just remind yourself each day that you have survived the past and that you are living for the future now.

Enjoy yourself and live a little :D
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Re: Lost the plot :-/

Postby gillbee » Fri Dec 08, 2017 3:08 pm

Thank you both for replying. Neither of us have any children so that’s not an issue at all. He hasn’t loads of money, he shares the house with his mum and the reason we’re not going out until June is that she’s spending the winter there and neither of us have any holidays left until April. I know I need to chill and enjoy it and I feel slightly less anxious and agitated today after he came over last night and we talked about our future plans in detail. I can’t keep penalising him for my past mistakes and I’m trying hard! Thanks again I really appreciate your input xx
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Re: Lost the plot :-/

Postby David020549 » Sat Dec 09, 2017 8:49 am

I am going to echo Stephies post"take one step at a time", it seems easy and exciting to make detailed plans for the future, but that brings the risk of plans not meeting expectations, you are not the one who is in control. If you really see this man as your future you should "follow" him not try to push him, he sounds a very good prospect and together I'm sure you will have a good relationship.

Mother in Spain, she may be a Darling or may be a Diva, if she chooses to dislike you the relationship is over because he will always choose her, so enjoy his company, keep it low profile and don't expect too much too soon.

Good luck and best wishes
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Re: Lost the plot :-/

Postby gillbee » Mon Dec 11, 2017 11:03 am

Hi David, thanks again - I've met his mum and she's just my type of woman, down to earth and proper Lancashire! She seemed to like me too, so not envisaging too many problems there. As you and Stephie say "one step at a time". I've calmed down immensely over the weekend, thankfully and am feeling far more philosophical about it all.

Thanks so much for your good wishes, and all the very best to you :)
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Re: Lost the plot :-/

Postby stephie2 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 1:30 pm

Well it is good that you get on with his mum. I am sure you are just being apprehensive and that it will all work out well in the end :D Good luck :wink:
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