Am I sending myself crazy ?

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Am I sending myself crazy ?

Postby hurting » Sat Oct 28, 2017 3:17 am

Hi, I haven't done this before and feel a little embarrassed about it,
My problem is cycling ( on/off relationship) unhealthy toxic, call it what you will,

..we met around 5 years ago, after only a few months I broke it off because he liked a drink, I'm not a big drinker so didn't really understand, cannabis was another thing I didn't understand anything about,

He talked me into trying again, saying it was his way of relaxing he said he really liked me and he'd cut down, which he did, and things were good, he became my best friend, lover confidant and everything I was looking for in a man to spend the rest of my days with, I loved him with every ounce of myself, I became so liberated and felt I was living a perfect dream

Then the holes started to appear and red flags started popping up, I suspected he was seeing someone else, and It was a nightmare when she knocked on the door valentines eve, I was heartbroken, I'd never really understood the term blood runs cold until that night.

He tried to explain that he had met her when we broke up, she wouldn't leave him alone even when we got back together, he said it was me he wanted, and that she was a crazy woman..but I left again anyway,

He talked me round again, but it was hard to trust him, he said he'd give me space and time, that our relationship was still young.

I really wanted it to work because I just couldn't face getting to know another new man in my life, call it stupidity or laziness, I don't know why, anyway things got back to normal and life was good so I thought, then I started to notice mood swings really bad ones, kicking things and throwing things about, saying I was no good at just about everything I tried to do for him, it all seamed to be my fault, until I was tidying up one day and found needles, he said they were left over from when his father was ill, but I pressed and pressed, until he admitted he was on steroids, ups and downs became a pattern (I'm assuming this is because steroids are taken over a 10 week period and then so long off before you start again, I'm not 100% sure how it works, I just never really knew where I stood,
I was trying to build a better life for us and he was becoming more and more critical of my actions, always saying he needed his own space and I should go back home more often, until I could take no more of it and I left again,

I told myself I'd be better off without him, the trust still hadn't fully healed, I was constantly questioning why he had so many women friends on face book or who he was texting/ringing, and I admit that I was becoming paranoid and anxious, I didn't like what I was turning into, ( even though he never hit me he was mentally abusive ) add this to the fact that he'd also started to watch copious amount's of porn for breakfast lunch tea and supper, I became very depressed and suffered low self-esteem,

Anyway, I was strong, resolute in fact, I blocked him on my phone, got busy, didn't really want to get involved with another man ever again I started to feel better about myself,
he never stopped texting me though, telling me how much he regretted the way he had treated me, that he was sorry, and I was the best thing that ever happened to him, sometimes my spam box would be full,

after 8 months of no contact apart from texts, I tried to date a few times, and actually slept with someone a few times, but it wasn't him...I realised that I was still looking for him in everyone I met, because he was all I ever wanted, he was my bestfriend before anything else and knew more about me than anyone ever had before him, I missed him terribly there was a void in my life,

Then out of the blue he came and knocked on my door wanting to talk, he said he was off the steroids didn't drink anymore on a regular and had stopped watching so much porn, standing in front of me was this new smart looking man slimmer, leaner, smiling like when we first met, he told me he loved me, wanted me to move in, and he wasn't looking for anyone else to be with, he'd really changed (grown up) more responsible,

and I was smitten again we went away for a few days and all looked great.

6 months down the line and loads of arguments later I'm back to square 1, he's back on the steroids, still has his phone connected to his hand permanently and still criticising, and now saying he's suffering from ED, only wants oral, he always manages to blame me for the problems, I'm the one who keeps leaving, I'm the one who has no trust, I'm the one who's a paranoid and crazy mad, and he's sick of it,

honestly I have tried to make him happy, but I'm wondering if I keep going back because he gives me the attention I crave for a while and talks about the dreams of a happy ending I so desperately want in life, he really knows how to play my emotions.

to tell you the truth, I want to run, move away, change my identity phone and life, but I'm now 52 I cant just up and leave everything, family work friends ect.

do you think therapy would help ? am I really a crazy paranoid woman ? please I really need to break this once and for all, I feel insane to have put up for it for so long..even more so now I've read what I've written, condensed like this,
hurting
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Re: Am I sending myself crazy ?

Postby Tarantula » Sat Oct 28, 2017 2:39 pm

You are not crazy and you already have all the answers.

Deep down inside there's a part of you that knows exactly what you need to do. It's the part that swayed you to leave after those very first few months, all those years ago.

All those years ago.

The problem is, you've become an expert at shutting that little voice up, glossing over it, pulling the wool up over your own eyes. You want so badly for your happy ending, and yet you also know, that you will never get it from this man.

Stop hiding, stop pretending, and start engaging with the reality as it actually IS and not how you would prefer it to be.

Easier said than done, I know. I know there's a part of you that wants to go 'F it' and get the heck out of there, onto greener pastures. The same part that drove you to write here.

Please please please don't let your age be a factor in why you just settle and put up with this. Women can be gorgeous, vibrant and alive at any age. You're not living right now, you're just waiting to die, and that is such a waste of a life! You have, or used to have, goals, remember? You used to have dreams and ideas and talents and gifts. Well, you still do, only, it's buried under all this chaos and, yes, trauma.

This experience has understandably traumatised you and split you into so many pieces, and now you've got to begin resurrecting yourself if there's any hope for a brighter future. The thing you've got to keep asking yourself is, if not now, when?

If not now when.

Also, don't think that the fact that you ignored the warning signs in the very beginning means that you 'deserve' what you're getting now. No no no. Any day can be the day that you choose to get up, get your stuff together and walk out. Reboot, restart, use this whole experience for learning and growth and... write a book about it one day haha. No really! Why the heck not? Why the heck not.

And if not now, then when? Do you have five more years to waste in this chaos? If you feel bad now, imagine how it'll be in five, ten, twenty more years. Don't be one of those women/people who drain their entire life waiting for the man/woman in their life to change.

You just got to remember that there's a whole big world out there, and you have a purpose in this life, and selling yourself out for a man who has too many demons to ever be truly available to you is not it.

This is my brief and simplistic response, there is so much more I can say, so do write back. In the meantime, some practical suggestions for you:

- Join CoDA - that's Co-Dependents Anonymous. They have groups all over the UK. He's not the only person with addiction issues in this relationship. He chooses drink and steroids and porn, you choose emotionally unavailable men who need saving. Other than that, the addictive dynamics are essentially the same and CoDA is a supportive place for you to begin addressing that, and all the reasons for that, which run deep no doubt.
- Keep a journal of every incident of conflict with him, what happened, and how it made you feel. Reading back over posts like the one you've written here will strengthen your resolve to leave.
- Look into mindfulness practice. You've got to learn to manage your compulsion to stay in this obviously unhealthy relationship; you've got to be able to unhook yourself from cyclical thinking and mindfulness can help with all that. There may well be courses/groups you can join in your area.
- Make a get-out plan. If you don't stick to it then okay, but make a plan. Just for argument's sake at least. If you leave, where will you go? How will you be financially? Who can you turn to for support? What's your damage control plan for when he gets in contact with the same old promises? After you've made the plan for the immediate aftermath, what about after that? What could you do to build the life you really want? For example, could you refresh your career goals? Go back to college to learn a new skill (why the heck not?)? Take a trip abroad? Go stay in an ashram in India, perhaps? Could you look after your physical health better - diet/exercise? Think of the possibilities.
- Yes, I would generally advise therapy, though I wonder about the effectiveness whilst you're still in the unhealthy situation. I don't know.
- Two books you absolutely must read which will speak so much to you, I'm 100% sure: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, and 'Boomerang Love' by Lynn Melville.

Finally, watch 'the Girl on the Train'.

If all of this doesn't propel you to make moves, then I don't know what will... oh, I wrote a blog post about emotionally abusive relationships recently, and did a video, do PM me if you'd like to see.

ONE MORE THING:

If you don't find a way out, and do stay in this situation for many more years to come.... I understand. I'm not meaning to sound attacking or forceful. I just really really really want you to know that you're not crazy and you can do better!

I'm also not demonising him. I'm sure he is someone who has suffered a lot in life and perhaps in some ways he is trying, I don't know. But I do know that the longer you stay, the worse it is going to get until and unless HE decides to change and truly stick to it, which has to come from him.
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