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Destroy everything around me :(

Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 2:50 pm
by Nomad
I'm so exhausted with myself. I'm working so hard to change and grow and spend a fortune on a very good psychotherapist. 25 years of depression, emotionally unstable upbringing, narc mother etc etc.
I'm an empath and have terrible fear of intimacy problems due to my past. I'm trying really hard to stay in my relationship and not run away like i normally do, but i don't feel happy. I'm not sure if it's just the same old fears trying to sabotage it, or if I'm genuinely with the wrong person - perhaps I just don't like him and im ignoring that! But there is a part of me that thinks i need to try as i will be like this with everyone. What makes it more challenging is that we are similar, he is less strong than me even, so it's hard not to direct the same self criticism on him.
But it's got to the point now where everything irritates me. I can't see the funny side of his jokes, everything he says is like he is trying too hard (poor guy probably is as i am such hard work no doubt), his actions or lack of them frustrate me and we are both struggling not to let our lack of boundaries mess up communication. We talk closely about these things. But in the past a chat would bring us closer. These days i feel i passed over a hill and cant come back again. I'm hypocritical as i look to him for company and to share things, but am irritated at the same time and resentful that i cant just be happy and relax and enjoy life. How can i love someone that can't do anything right in my toxic eyes!!!
People talk about this happening in their relationships further down the road. But i think our honeymoon period was about 3 weeks long before my head got going! (we've been together 2 years and were friends before). I want to feel loving but most of the time i dont feel anything. Could just be depression, could just be i'm not being true to myself in some way.
Thanks for listening.

Re: Destroy everything around me :(

Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2017 1:48 pm
by Tarantula
Without fully understanding your situation, I'm going to take an intuitive leap and say: you probably are sabotaging because deep down you don't know how to accept being loved in a healthy way.

Hoooo! Like I said, intuitive leap. You didn't say that this man is doing anything 'wrong'. I wouldn't be surprised if he's trying his best to make it work.

You've said you would be like this with everyone, which to me is the key point.

I think you already have all the answers. You know whether there is a problem with him 'not being the right guy' or if it's your own mind playing tricks. You know deep down which one it is.

You absolutely are not being true to yourself. Being true to yourself would mean, making unhealthy life choices. Just like your mum did (intuitive leap) - because deep down you expect to be treated badly and that's more comfortable than accepting that someone gives a darn!

You're trying to swim against the tide, where you could just give in and run away and enter a dysfunctional relationship which would feel more familiar, albeit unhappy. So of course you're not being true to yourself. You can't afford to just 'go with what feels right', because what feels right (i.e. running away) leads to a bad path and I think you know that, so here you are, trying to stay on the right track with a stable, emotionally available partner. It's terrifying, I know, but worth it? Definitely.

Don't become addicted to the struggle with labels and psychotherapist bills and the never-ending 'journey' of 'process' or 'recovery'. Any day - like today for example - you could decide to write a new narrative for yourself, where you give yourself permission to be loved by someone and decide that, actually, despite it all, you are okay exactly as you are. The bad stuff is over, and you are free from it now, to decide who you want to be in relation to the past.

This is a super brief response to what I know is a complex issue. I would say, hang in there, go deep within yourself, understand all the things that drive your behaviour, and decide to do things differently. If he's a good man, then stay put, and allow it. Eventually being treated well will become the new norm.

Re: Destroy everything around me :(

Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:20 pm
by Nomad
Thank you Tarantula - I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me and with such wise words. I feel like I am trying so so hard to go deep as you say and reach the me that got buried, but I get trapped at each turn. You are right it is complicated and I get what you are saying... if he is good then stay put. He is good. But certainly not emotionally stable or necessarily available as you describe (due to his own tumultuous past). So the challenge is knowing whether in the long run we are bad for each other, or actually quite supportive because we can understand each others issues. The thing is I have nothing to compare with as I have never had a relationship with a 'stable' guy. So it may be that I could be happier with someone else, rather than constantly jolted off course by someone elses issues.

I know i need to decide and commit or i will be forever questioning. If i am out of a relationship i am usually questioning if i should be in one, and when im in one i question if its right!!! Exhausting.

You say I know deep down. I must do mustn't i. I just need to work out how to access that part of me.

I was interested by your comment to not get addicted to going to psychotherapist. It is relational therapy i am having due to long term depression & anxiety. Something the nhs advised but could not provide. I'm trying to unravel the damage done by my parenting. Sure there is not 'end' to these things, but i believe it's vital to shift some of my thinking. I certainly prefer when im not getting help as i think less, but it often results in bigger problems.

thanks for listening

Re: Destroy everything around me :(

Posted: Thu Oct 26, 2017 11:38 pm
by reckoner
I get the impression from your posts that your mother let you down in her parenting and so you have taken the job upon yourself but that, as your own parent, you are stern and micromanaging (with the help of your psychotherapist - I agree with Tarantula's comment on that). I have this mental image of you sitting over your own shoulder going "No, you're not capable of that." It seems clear to me that you'll struggle to identify, let alone trust, your instincts about whether someone is right for you or not while that's happening.

This relationship does not sound healthy to me. Rather than elevating yourselves out of your respective states, I wonder if you're perpetuating them for each other. You see yourself as ahead of him on the curve of progress, but if that's the case, I wonder if he's dragging you back rather than you bringing him forward. Even if you do bring him forward, I'm not sure how that helps you.

Even if this is how you'll be with anyone (and I don't see how a failure to progress is possible if that's what you really want), why impose the status quo on yourself if it makes you unhappy enough to keep posting here? Why not make a change and give yourself the chance for something different to happen?

The other way of looking at it is if he were on here asking for advice on this relationship, given what you've said so far, I'd advise that it's not good for him. I firmly believe that the path of self-improvement is an individual one. He can't hitch a ride on your curve because you'll always be ahead and, if I were him, I'd find that very demoralising and demotivating, and I don't see how it would benefit you long term either.

The benefit of having had as many failures of 5+ years relationships as I have is that I can now recognise the patterns of behaviour and failure that are down to me and will therefore be present in any relationship I have. For me, that has meant accepting that I'm better off alone than in an unhappy relationship, not getting into a relationship until I feel I love them so much I have no other choice, then watching my own behaviour as we navigate all the twists, turns and bumps along the way. If I had stayed with any of my exes on the basis that there was no guarantee that I'd be any happier or different, well, I shudder to think, frankly.

In my view, disregarding your specific mental health conditions because I've no experience, I'd suggest it's time to stop second guessing yourself and make a change to the situation to see what you can make of it. Perhaps time apart to at least see each other out of the norms of your relationship, focus on yourselves, get some breathing space, try and refresh your views on this relationship and what the values of it are.

You say you've never had a relationship with a stable guy. That, and being stable yourself, obviously, because that's what a stable guy would likely prefer, should be perhaps not an objective but at least an ideal, shouldn't it? Being with an unstable guy is, I'd think, unlikely to help you get there.

Re: Destroy everything around me :(

Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2017 10:59 am
by Nomad
Hi rekoner
As always, thank you for your level headed and useful replies.
What is really interesting to me is when I wrote this post - a lot more recently than I thought. We have been having an incredibly positive, communicative and helpful couple of weeks. When things are flowing and we are jiving with each other it shows what potential we have. The outcome is also to feel happy (shock horror) and that in itself enables further growth. It does also (I admit) make me realise how rarely we have been like that over the last year and that in itself is important to take on board.

I completely see where you are coming from, indeed I have that conversation with myself regularly. Am I being held back? Will I ever be able to fly with us two as a combo?

You mention being in a good place and not getting into a relationship unless you feel you have no choice because you love them so much. Well now! If I was to do that I would always be alone, full stop. And as much as I agree with the statement, better to be alone than with the wrong person, I also don't want to be alone for ever. My falls and struggles as a result of depression make these judgements all very difficult and mean that I am often numb and find it hard to feel. I could have spent forever wondering if we should be together (in fact a year of wondering went by before i took the plunge - I had two options 1. give it a go 2. stop all contact with one of the most important people in my life. Giving it a go seemed necessary).

I think in the past, instead of 'im so on love i have no choice', I have thought i wont get into a relationship until I feel clear and strong in myself. And in both cases of my last two relationships, I genuinely thought I was in that place. It seems however that relationships in themselves are terrible triggers for me and the difficulties involved send me off track after a short while.

Perhaps deep down there is a part of me that thinks I'm not capable of being with or meeting someone that isn't as mixed up as me. Or perhaps that I don't deserve that. In itself i can see i am just going to relive that prophecy over and over until I believe something else.

In addition we are all (of an age) at the risk of thinking there is always something better. If I am with someone who is my friend, who loves me, who supports me in my difficulties and vice versa, who i share a lot of values and interests with and who is a good person - should I really be considering that leaving (which I always do) is going to get me anywhere? We said to each other the other day, after a long chat over managing our relational and boundaries issues, that one thing really stands out - despite it all, we are both still here. For me/us that is a huge first. I would have run a long time ago.

I am slowly learning and getting over some hurdles with the help of my psychotherapist. Recently I stood up to my mothers powerful manipulation and while I have done so before, and while also she wont remember it - the action and scale of what I said felt like a huge hurdle for me. in addition to that i am doing much better at getting in touch with what myself and understand what makes me feel or think differently. I'm trying to be vigilant and spot the minute detail that shifts my mood or thinking, and doing this successfully. This may sounds like basics for 40 year old, but I was so damaged by how i was treated when i was small that i find it almost impossible to recognise my own feelings and thoughts over those of the people around me.

With regard to my relationship i guess what i need to do is decide what deal breakers are for me and listen to them and act on them. One thing I really struggle with is his tendency to let fear win him over, to be held back by life and say 'no' instead of 'yes' to life. To use the words 'at the moment' for his troubles, with no clear intention for there to be a time without those troubles. He gets stuck in old beliefs such as that he 'wont be able to cope' when his mum dies (despite the fact she is like a ball and chain on his soul and he knows it but is trapped by guilt) - this is not a truth, it's a belief. And it fills me with dread. Perhaps what i need to do is be clear on what i can live with. If I can't live with those things then i need to tell him, and if he can't change them then i need to honour that.

Yikes, writing that out i know perhaps that is the truth of it. But it also feels helpful to have that thought clearly rather than buried under a messy myriad of troubles.

Thanks for listening