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Feeling sad in my 40's & I've a loving, honest man? Finances

PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 8:03 pm
by Krystal42
Hello everyone

I'm with my man now over 2 years and I really enjoy his company, we laugh, we've shared interests, he treats me with love, care, respect, is loyal, faithful and tells me he's madly in love with me. I'm 43 and he's 55. I do love him but not sure I'm in love with him!

I've had several bad relationships in the past and this man treats me with so much love, honesty, care and respect. Yes it's nice to have all that with him and the security. The problem is the attraction/spark isn't the same for me, but I do say to myself will I ever find that spark I'm looking for? Times I look at him and say yes he's a good looking man then other times I feel I'm not attracted to him the way I was? Wish I had those 'butterfly' feeling again, then again maybe that's for the 20 year olds lol

Another part that worries me is financially he's not in a good place and I worry that I won't be able to live the life I'd love too have! I'm probably more outgoing than him and like to travel etc but financially he struggles!

Maybe the Fairytale/Prince Charming I'm looking for doesn't exist and I need to face reality! Friends say as we grow older spark etc does fade and to have a caring, loving, honest, respectful man is more important! Maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side and I know it's so difficult finding an honest, respectful man these days. I've read stories of women finding that spark but then the man isn't as devoted, honest etc?

Feeling confused and sad! :(

Re: Feeling sad in my 40's & I've a loving, honest man? Fina

PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 10:58 pm
by Mrconfused74
Hi, I understand exactly where you’re coming from, I too am in my 40’s and often wondered if I would find the spark that I once had. It’s true that as you go through a relationship you have to work at it, I don’t think many of any people can honestly say they still have the same spark as when they met there partner. But I don’t think it’s something you lose with age. My marriage ended because we just grew apart wanted different things and weren’t happy! We still loved each other but knew that we would never both be hoppy in the relationship.

I recently met a lady, and we have grown very close, I never knew that I could actually feel this way about someone else, we talk everyday, and text probably 60 times a day,. But being together is currently difficult. So no you don’t lose the spark, it just boils down too how long you’re willing to wait. You could stay with this guy who seems very nice, and I’m sure there is some attraction there. Or you could wait for someone else to come along. Only you can make that choice. You never know what’s around the corner, I found out today that I had in fact been at a meeting with this lady and she told me that even then she thought I was attractive but didn’t say anything. So don’t I’ve up hope, you could stay with a charming guy who will treat you nicely but you may in years to come regret not because be able to do the things you wanted. It can happen, sometimes you just have to stop looking at it will find you. Xx

Re: Feeling sad in my 40's & I've a loving, honest man? Fina

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 7:49 am
by David020549
Most of the good men that are financially secure have been taken and their women put a lot of effort into keeping them, on the other side dumping one good man in the hope of finding another with more cash is not going to be easy. I'm sure at 43 you have no problems attracting male attention, it's the men that are the problem, most in your age bracket have estranged wives and families that have depleted their finances. Also because of messy separations a lot of them don't have a good opinion of women in general, so are going to be very cautious and not likely to fall in love with you easily.

I'm going to ask what your situation would be if you left him, could you live the life you want from your own resources, could you house yourself, travel and have a good lifestyle solo, many women do that in later life, most of them will have had long term careers and a pension.

Forget butterflies, concentrate on your present Prince Charming, maybe he will loose his job or his business, maybe at worst it could be a life on benefit, but he is still a good man.

Re: Feeling sad in my 40's & I've a loving, honest man? Fina

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 1:45 pm
by snail
You posted exactly this same problem - almost word for word - about this man a year ago. So in that year, you clearly haven't moved forward in any way or become any happier. The things that were bothering you aren't bothering you any less.

With that mind, I think you probably should look for someone else. I wouldn't waste any more time, as time becomes more precious as we get older.

Re: Feeling sad in my 40's & I've a loving, honest man? Fina

PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2017 9:34 am
by Krystal42
Thanks for the replies & yes snail your right I've posted last year! The thought of leaving this man worries me & I find it hard to let him go! He's such a kind, honest man & it's difficult! Think my depression/anxiety doesn't help so I need to sort myself out!

Re: Feeling sad in my 40's & I've a loving, honest man? Fina

PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2017 1:28 pm
by David020549
Krystal, I did wonder if it was the same problem as last year. You are still unsettled and the indecision seems to be depressing you. If you separate don't worry about your boyfriend, if he is a nice guy as you say he will have no problem finding another girlfriend, there are many women in his age bracket looking for a good man. You will be much happier when you have decided what to do, here is an idea that falls short of a trial separation.

Take a holiday either solo or with a girlfriend, it needn't cost a fortune you can go backpacking if needed. You would be surprised how many couples take separate holidays, I do, just join up with a group trip and get all sorts of different experiences. One girl I met around your age took 3 holidays a year away from her boyfriend ( she had a good job).

When you return you will have made your mind up.

Good luck

Re: Feeling sad in my 40's & I've a loving, honest man? Fina

PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2017 1:57 pm
by Tarantula
I was going to say, don't leave, you will face this issue with anyone you go longterm with, the grass always looks greener but seldom actually is, stop expecting the relationship to be your sole source of excitement in your life because no man, however good, can live up to that pressure.


and it's a big but

Since you did apparently write this same stuff about the same relationship last year, then I say, take the plunge, leave without regrets rather than stay in a situation that is truly stagnant and has been for so long.

Either way, manage your expectations and your life so that a man isn't the defining factor (as far as possible). And decide what you really, really want. Do you want to stay with someone forever? Or would you prefer to be a bachelorette? Ain't no shame, but just decide, and go from there.

You will probably come across this feeling time and again in your longterm relationships, but it's the desire to build a future together - the bigger picture - that carries you through. That, and a whole attitude of gratitude that you've found a good man.

It's about deciding what your priorities are and how you want your life to look - without fear of stigma - and basing your decisions on those priorities.

Re: Feeling sad in my 40's & I've a loving, honest man? Fina

PostPosted: Sat Oct 28, 2017 3:41 pm
by Krystal42
Thanks everyone well as I previously said my anxiety/depression doesn't help the situation plus most of my friends are married and living away. I managed to get out last weekend with my cousin and ended up meeting a lovely girl who was out with her friend. We got chatting, added each other on facebook and was actually out with them last night and I just feel so different now about life.

Alot of my friends are married and away and I rarely get to see them anymore. After being out last night with these two lovely girls I feel happier within myself as well as think I've been missing my girly nights out.

As strange as this sounds I really missed my man last night and think I've been stuck in a rut this past year or so as it's just been me and him and I really feel different about things since meeting these lovely girls. Think I appreciate him more now and did miss him and I know the grass isn't always greener and I'm really looking to seeing him tonight! :-)

Some of you might think I'm abit crazy now lol but getting out for a social drink with these girls has changed things for me as I've been missing having the odd social night out with girls - I've been in a real rut and feeling down/depressed, suffered anxiety but am looking forward now to seeing him later - hope I'm making sense?