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Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 3:16 pm
by sar40
I found out a couple of days ago that my boyfriend of a year has HIV. I've always known he takes a daily pill for his thyroid (that he kept in an unmarked pot!) but I had a closer look at the pills and by googling them found they were for HIV. The shock of it and being alone at the time was unbearable. I confronted him and he admitted it, saying he never planned on telling me because of fear of rejection. Apparently he caught it off a girl about 3 years ago. Having a nursing background myself I did not immediately panic about catching it as I know with a undetectable viral load it's highly unlikely but my upset and anger about being lied to for a year (he also never told me about his hospital visits, was always vague and edgy etc) really really shocks and hurts. We've talked it through and now two days have passed he expects me to have got used to it and move on with life going back to normal. He's getting annoyed and thinkin I'm making a 'big deal' out of it but I feel justified with my upset.

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2017 11:32 am
by Tarantula
Oh my goodness, I'm upset for you!!!!

This is absolutely unacceptable, you must leave him. He is clearly someone who will lie to protect his own interests even if it can have serious adverse consequences for you/your health.

That was very, very wrong and deceitful of him. And now he expects you to just be okay with it?!

I can empathise to an extent with his struggle, but my god, a whole year he kept that from you, knowing he could pass it on, how utterly selfish.

He's comfortable lying to you over long periods of time and has demonstrated little remorse over his actions. He didn't want to get rejected and he did want to get sex. What else is he gonna lie about for the same ends?

Even if it is 'just' this tiny issue of HIV that he has lied/will ever lie to you about, the trust is broken. He would have to pull some serious tricks out of the bag to get me to consider trying to move past it. Honestly, I don't know what that would involve realistically. His reaction is 100% not good enough.

I know it's easy to drop the 'dump him' bomb when I'm not in your situation. I can't, however, in good conscience, suggest anything else.

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:58 am
by sar40
Thankyou for your reply, yes easier said than done to dump him. It's thrown up so many questions though. I'm actually wondering if he's bisexual - he always wants anal and doesn't really do 'straight' sex. I feel i don't know who he is. I've seen evidence that his viral load is undetectable and has been for over two years so the anxiety of me catching it has gone. Just cannot stop thinking about what else he's hiding

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 2:36 pm
by snail
I tend to agree with Tarantula. I don't see how you could really trust him again. It's also a bit worrying that he could get annoyed with you about how you're reacting to it.

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 3:46 pm
by David020549
Having a relationship with a boyfriend who has AIDS is bad enough but if he forgot to tell you, he must be the lowest kind of worm and I cannot understand why you still want him. Maybe you have had safe sex with a condom every time, if not then he is a criminal, it is illegal, it's much worse than rape because it can be a death sentance.
I would bet he didn't catch it from a girlfriend, has he been in prison by any chance.

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 4:49 pm
by sar40
Apparently if his viral load is 'undetectable' then he's legally under no obligation to divulge his status! I checked this with his clinic and they said yes that's true as he cannot transmit it at such a negligible level. However the moral issue of what he's done appals me. I don't think he's being honest when he says he caught it from a girl but there's no way to find out if he is/isn't lying so it's just eating me up and causing a huge rift. The fact he loves anal every time and seems to have no idea how to pleasure me and is selfish in bed to me means it's a 99.9% chance he's gay and denying it

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 8:40 pm
by Tarantula
If there's even a 0.01% chance of transmission, he should have told you.

But okay, fine, it'd be worse still if the risk was higher.

He still lied to you about something important over a long period of time.

So on that basis, you're never gonna be able to trust this guy, so I think you should leave. Don't think you can do better than some guy who lies about HiV? Think again.

And don't get me started on the sexual orientation question mark.

The only question worth asking at this point is, how much time are you willing to waste?

PS - We will be here to write to you post-breakup!

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 8:41 pm
by Tarantula
Oh, and hopefully it's needless to say, but make sure you get yourself checked now.

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 9:08 pm
by sar40
Yes I have been tested. Hope to get results back any day. He swears he's never had sex with a man.
Don't know what to believe

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 5:52 pm
by sar40
Results in and am HIV negative! Trust is broken though and things just arnt the same yet I still havnt kicked him out.

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 6:04 pm
by snail
Thank goodness for that.

Well, you can end the relationship whenever you're up to it (if that is still what you want). It's only a few days since this all came out - you've had enough on your plate to deal with.

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2017 11:37 pm
by Country Joe
I think he's been very disrespectful not telling you along with his sexual preferences! Thank heavens your negative. He's put you at risk which brings in to question everything, if he lied about something so fundamental I don't think you can trust him. Walk away.....

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Fri Nov 17, 2017 12:41 pm
by stephie2
It was unforgivable him not telling you. You have the right to know such a big thing and the risk to your own health too. You should have had that choice as it was not just his to make.

I am glad you are negative but I would not be able to forgive such a thing and I for sure would move on with my life and leave him behind, not because he has HIV but for the fact that he took away the choice and put at risk without a care for you or your health.

Re: Found out my boyfriend has HIV

PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2017 12:00 pm
by Trevaskiss
Hi Sar,

I remember a couple of years ago speaking with a doctor about HIV. It's a very long story, but my abusive ex kept accusing me of all sorts which wasn't true, so to shut him up I had a HIV test done, which came back negative (and I knew it would).

My doctor said that normal healthy relationships can still exist when one of the partners has HIV, and counselling etc is offered to advise the best ways etc.


The deception is not alright and to be honest with you. A small white lie about something silly can be forgiveable, but something like that - so important as that is not forgiveable at all.

Does he know who he has picked it up from? Has he been honest about his previous sexual experiences?

How do you know what else he's lied to you about? I'm talking from experience here, I won't go into full details but if he's lied with something as big as that - god knows what else he is covering up.

Get out, and find someone who will be totally honest with you - this is such a big thing (which I've learnt very much from).

Take care