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Advice and guidance on why this keeps happening???

PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2017 11:13 am
by Emma3ee
Hi I'm new to this :)

I'm having some emotional problems with something that happened recently.

I met this guy online, and we both hit it off, we really liked each other. The day we met, the date didn't go as planned and we just chilled at his place. Things git heated and we started making out on his bed, nothing more happened. We then got dinner and walked to the train station when he said to me he had a really amazing time and wanted to arrange another date! I was so happy and said to him I'd have to check my availability. Then the day after I started feeling panicky, unsure, so confused because of how fast things went the day before, I tried to talk to him about it telling him I needed a day or 2 to think about what I really wanted. It felt like he weren't fully paying attention to what I was trying to talk to him about over text, and I got upset over it because I wanted to talk to him about how I felt. I knew he was busy, and said we'll talk properly when you can. The next day I tell him the same thing I told him yesterday and he said he was there to talk properly. I retold him, and I told him I had a thought about things and I was just scared and confused and I wanted to progress things and I actually felt things blossoming with him. He said he was glad I knew how I felt and we were happy. The next day he says he's so confused, doesn't know how he feels and doesn't want me to wait around to find out. I tried to talk to him more. He told me he felt like there were no sparks or clicks on the day and doesn't want a relationship with me at all not not and probably not in the future??? Eventually his messages get blunt...short and then he blocks me completely.

Why did he completely changed his tone after he wanted to see me again, then tells me he doesn't anymore???!!!

I'm quite overly emotionally sensitive, and it causes me to fall for guys easily. But I then get so hurt when stuff like this happens.

I need advice and guidance on how to deal with this in an easier way so I can live a life with a more stronger, harder, and healthier emotional mentality.

Thank you so much!!! :)

Re: Advice and guidance on why this keeps happening???

PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2017 9:21 pm
by David020549
Several things complicating this situation, after you enjoyed the evening you said " maybe" another date. Then had second thoughts, this is the normal female defense mechanism, caution, and you should be careful with boyfriends. So after several maybes and uncertainties he gave up on you, simple as that.
Next boyfriend you "like" say "yes " and worry about other commitments later, it's easy to change the day or change your mind later, so in future don't fool around on the bed first date it gives the wrong impression, be on your guard for creeps and avoid bad boys that break all the rules, they may be fun but will cause you real trouble.

Re: Advice and guidance on why this keeps happening???

PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2017 11:38 pm
by reckoner
Personally, the idea of online dating fills me with dread because I've always found that 99% of people are not the kind of people I want to associate with and online dating seems to disproportionately expose you to that 99% of people. But then I've experienced enough heartache through the 'traditional' forms of dating to recognise that there are no right or wrong ways so I say it with direct reference to your statement that you're 'overly sensitive'. That being the case, I think you need to accept that online dating requires a thick skin. If you don't have one (and who does, frankly), I'd say don't do it.

I always baulk at David's 'men this, women that' rhetoric but have to agree that you knocked him back so can't be surprised if he then knocked you back. No one likes being rejected (regardless of their gender).

Maybe you don't think you rejected him because you just wanted to talk about things. Actually, though, you put the brakes on the 'natural progression' of things because of where it might or might not be leading. Your initial meeting suggested a physical relationship, which you then withdrew the immediate possibility of, suggesting an emotional commitment having put a question mark over your physical attraction and accessibility, which I can imagine would have confused and then killed his interest in you.

In a 'traditional' situation, you'd probably have known the guy socially and have had a chance to explain yourself in a shared setting without having to make a specific arrangement, but with online dating, it's a total stranger and your only opportunity to meet or discuss is one you both agree to. No one wants to expose themselves emotionally to someone who might not reciprocate. You suggested the doubt, so why would he want to pursue? He's cut his losses and that's something you need to accept and prepare yourself for.

If you're going to do online dating, I don't think you should expect to discuss the process with your prospective partner. I think you need to make quick decisions about what you are and aren't ready for, both physically and emotionally, and be prepared for those same decisions to be made back at you with little or no explanation. If you don't feel you can handle it, don't do it. In which case, focus on your own interests where a prospective partner will already have things in common with you and you (probably) won't have to make or respond to the situation quite as abruptly.

Re: Advice and guidance on why this keeps happening???

PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2017 7:52 am
by David020549
Online dating is a fact of life, so there is not point demonizing it but there are a few people who will do you harm, you could meet one of those in a club or work or at a party. The rule when meeting someone face to face is meet in a public place, a cafe or pub where you can chat for a while, you will know quickly if you want to meet again. Although after some indecision you did want to meet again, you got it wrong, move on and don't try to discuss your feelings with a new boyfriend from his point of view either you want a date or you don't.

Men and women are different in so many ways, here is one. Most men accept rejection easily 90% of his advances are going to be rejected that's the way it is, so back to the bar and have another beer. If a woman gets rejected by a man she likes, she will take it to heart, it is a big deal and the emotional affect may last a long time, again that's the way it is. New boyfriends really don't want to know about female emotions a couple of missed dates, forget it.

Re: Advice and guidance on why this keeps happening???

PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:53 am
by Emma3ee
Thank you guys for replying.
Maybe I did send some confusing signals, but when we met he asked first if I wanted to see him again. I didn't say maybe, I told him yes I'd love to, I just need to check if I have anything that day, as I'm starting college soon and it was on the day he suggested. Then after things were fine, I told him I had time to think and I really wanted to see him again and that I liked him just that it seemed rushed and threw me off a little. He agreed and sympathized. Next day, he's completely changed his attitude, he was more blunt and just said we didn't click? But the whole scenario and him wanting to see me again, doesn't that suggest clicking?? Or am I completely missing something. He was a guy that liked to talk about things, and he wasn't as far as I'm aware looking for something just physical, so we weren't on different pages. Anyway I found out he's back on the dating website and looked at my profile. Thanks for your opinions though, it's nice to know what other people think :)

Re: Advice and guidance on why this keeps happening???

PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2017 4:25 am
by wakeupbomb
The 'didn't click thing' is just nonsense. You don't make out with people that you don't click with!

Ultimately, it's impossible to say why he behaved that way. There is something going on under the surface that he's not telling you.

The thing to do is not to take it to heart. I wouldn't say all, but many men are not in touch with their emotions to the same degree as women. It's a shame that you liked someone and it didn't work out, but it doesn't reflect on you. Don't take it to heart. Just take the physical stuff more slowly next time, and you will find that you don't end up in this emotional turmoil and slightly confused state.