Not happy with my marriage

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Not happy with my marriage

Postby mk01 » Tue Aug 29, 2017 12:37 pm

I'm not sure how to start this but I feel I'm getting more and more depressed because of my marriage. Both me and my husband work a lot, he has a full-time job and I have 2 jobs. Plus I'm dealing with the household and other things all by myself (we don't have kids yet). Yet I am never too tired to listen to him, take care of him, wanting sex etc. He is the opposite, comes home, says hi and hides himself behind his computer or mobile phone (that is on the rate occasion we are both home at the same time). There are so many things I have to cope with by myself because he is not there or doesn't seem interested enough to listen. Also I'm a very sexual person but constantly frustrated because sex is on average once a month and it's not that great. We have talked about it so many times that I think there is no point anymore to repeat it to him. The amount of sexual frustration I have accumulated over the past years is something I can't even put into words. Plus I feel I'd like to have a baby soon but if we are doing it once a month that's a plan I can forget. I dragged him to sex therapy a few months ago, he came to the initial consultation and then refused to continue. I thought marriage was about partnership and cooperation... what I got is sexual frustration and a feeling of loneliness.

I know I can't blame it all on him as he can be a great and sweet husband. I want to know what I MYSELF can do to improve my marriage. Couple counselling doesn't seem to be an option, he wouldn't come. I just want to feel less depressed and enjoy life a bit more. If you have some advice for me I'd happily take it. Thanks.
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Re: Not happy with my marriage

Postby Tarantula » Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:41 am

I can't recommend highly enough that you read 'who holds the cards now?' by Gregg Michaelsen, and take heed.

Despite the tacky title which implies an adversarial stance with your partner, it actually contains some pretty down-to-earth advice that I think will help you out, if you follow it. And it takes a couple hours to finish it.

The EXTREMELY abbreviated version would be:

- You've fallen into a stagnant situation in your relationship due to becoming completely predictable to your partner (and him to you, but it looks like the action is gonna have to come from your side, and so you are the focus)
- The solution is to switch up the routine by behaving in a way which he doesn't expect, and causes him to wonder what's up
- You can do this by reducing the focus on him and being a 'good wife' and instead focusing on yourself, nurturing your own interests and desires... and if that makes him feel uncomfortable, then GOOD, because he needs to remember that you are valuable and he is lucky to have you. You can't say that with words. You have to say it with action.
- Whilst you do this, very importantly, you are NOT being catty in any way or giving him attitude or making him responsible for your feelings - these are all things he expects from previous conversations and which, as you've said, do NOT work. Instead, you are peacefully getting on with your own life, spending time with friends, going to classes, whatever - and essentially showing him that your life is moving in a different direction and that if he doesn't intervene, he's gonna lose you.

The effect of all that is that you will become desirable to him again and he will step up.

But seriously, read the book. I'm not getting commission or anything, I read it and it really helped! In a previous relationship, I could feel the energy shift and the dynamic change quite quickly once I stopped reacting the way I ALWAYS react.

I know that it's hard because the time when you're feeling depressed and low-energy is also the very time that you need to put effort to change things, but it's either this or keep going down the same route.

My only caveat is, if things have already gone too far (i.e. cheating, or he doesn't love you anymore not even one bit), then nothing's gonna help and you need to divorce. BUT from what you've said, it doesn't sound so drastic - it's a classic case of longterm love gone stale... and that can be fixed, but not by doing what you always have done.
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Re: Not happy with my marriage

Postby snail » Fri Sep 01, 2017 10:51 am

While I agree it's a good idea to nurture your own interests and desires, simply because you will get more fun out of life and get yourself to a better place mentally, if what you are really looking for is emotional and sexual intimacy, then you can't find that by going to the gym. You can only find it with another man, and that will make everything much worse.

Your husband knows you are unhappy enough to make considerable effort to go to therapy, but he has completely refused to co-operate. He's fine with leaving you frustrated and unhappy, and worried about the issue of children. If he doesn't want to try, then the reality is that you can't make him - the solution to this may not rest with you no matter how much you want it to. Perhaps it is time to bring up the topic of splitting up, and see what he says.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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