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I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 12:05 pm
Hey again

I know I have bee on asking for advice before and you might think I am not taking it but I realty don't feel I have anywhere else to turn to for advice or to talk. :(

For those of you who have already read my recent posts and gave me advice I do apologise in advance. I really do listen.

Things for me had got a lot better recently. We all had a weekend away together etc and had a great time but it wasn't long until the arguing started again and it all seems to stem from me "spending un equal time with my partner to my friends & family"

Everytime I go see family or friends it does end up in an argument (apparently not because he doesn't want me to do it though) but because we don't do things together. I did start to see this but we do live together so do see each other every day. But yeah I thought hard about it and thought it might be hurting him that I "go out" or have lunches with others and not him. Maybe he feels left out because those are "making memories" as he would say. I have to say I don't do this a lot (he would say yes) but I don't see anyone anymore. If I want to I end up feeling guilty for wanting to.

So I then say do you want to take a few days off and we can do things together just me and you which I get the reply "what I need to book you in now if I want to spend time with you" wtf!!!! No you don't but we have his boys every weekend and his ex doesn't like swapping so I thought this would be the easiest option but of course started an argument. I the obviously just agree to keep the peace. He the says he doesn't know about holidays etc. I look online at groupon, wowcher etc for things to do but get moaned at because it costs money (cant win) I was really trying to create our own memories. (oh even though he sends me links to over night stays etc )

I thought spending time with the boys as a family was spending time together too btw but apparently not. I know we need our own time but maybe this is too much???

I had a concert the other week with mum (which he was invited to because he moaned about it before) but he declined. We were meeting some of my dads friends before hand (dad has passed away) and we were really close to them. I had forgotten about that but of course I am a liar and I just didn't tell him!!!! So that caused issues. I had said to him "I will be home a soon as I can on the Sunday because I wont be drinking a lot" I woke up at 9, went down to get breakfast and watched a film with mum so I was leaving at 11 (leaving the rest of the day to spend together) This caused major issues, I should have been up, breakfast, cup of tea and home ???? I have just been brought up not to just leave if you are in someone else's house and yeah that counts for mum too. But because I said one thing and did another ????? This caused arguments all of Sunday ,12pm until 10pm basically. Yet again I just agreed to keep the peace and basically I had no energy left to argue.

Also as the concert I did facetime my dads friend because he asked to see but this ended up in a major argument because I didn't face time my partner but he moaned the last time I had a concert that I was rubbing his face in it so I really didn't want to stir anything up. I went live on fb but he moaned at me because I didn't tell him when I was going to do it. I'm at a concert, you just do it when a good song comes on. He then yesterday decides to ask me if there is anything in it because I face timed. All I done was show the phone to the stage and hang up. I thought it was only 15 secs but he checked my phone and it was 40 so I am a big fat liar again!!!! It really didn't feel that long.

Things were ok until today again ...... I am off next week because I have to use up my holidays but he still hasn't told me if he is off or not. I also think because I never see my friends that I could use this opportunity to meet up since my partner is working (not hurting anyone or choosing anyone over anyone) right ??? WRONG!!!! I txt today asking if he is off so I could make plans with him and with them if possible but I just got rubbish for "organising" things with them first over him but I haven't even asked them yet!!!! I just want to maybe go to their house for lunch or something where as I was looking to actually do things with my partner but not good enough. I am not putting him first etc. He even then txt saying he cant see why he cant go with me. He hasn't me them yet but it because I never see them so for a catch up after a long time I would rather go myself and keep the couple things for my partner and me. Is this wrong???? And I don't get to talk to them properly because he has checked my phone in the past and done it again last week!!!! Said I was acting shady but he has just got me so paranoid about it I hate him even trying to look now. He says I hold grudges. He now has txt me saying I don't want him to meet them but that's totally wrong. We have been asked before and he says no because of money issues.

Also my mum really wants to take me on holiday for my 30th but I am actually too frightened to tell him :( If a day here and there is bad what is a holiday going to do??? (I would assume he would organise something separately for me?? Just me and him)

Sorry again . I just need to vent somehow.

Ps I have actually grabbed my stuff and went to walk a few times but I just crumble :(

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 12:35 pm
by reckoner
Hey SGG, glad you posted, was wondering how things have been for you. I don't have any advice as such, partly because I think you know what I'm going to say and partly because I'm not sure if you're asking for any advice anyway, at least not what I've already said, so just wanted to let you know you have a friendly and sympathetic ear here.

Because your partner reminds me so much of my father. He knows how to be lovely but it's not his default setting. When things are not good with him (maybe he can't find his keys or maybe he had an argument with some hapless customer service telephone agent), there's nothing you can do or say that isn't exactly the wrong thing to do or say. And if you get bored of attempting to keep the peace and lose your rag at him, he cycles through rage, denial, then this very pathetic hangdog thing. Then he'll be super nice and make you feel guilty. My mother and he have been married 45 chuffing years and all I hear from both of them are the same complaints day in day out.

I very much hope you won't be there in 45 years, and I doubt you will be, but in case it wasn't clear from my previous posts, I want to say that I very much understand how difficult it is to deal with this kind of character because they're not all bad and their heart is at least in the vicinity of the right place so please do vent away!

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 12:45 pm
Hi Reckoner.

That's really nice of you to be thinking how I was getting on.

I really was doing well but I feel helpless again, I just cant seem to do right from wrong and when I try to explain how I feel I get made feel so so guilty for feeling that way. Apparently I am stressing him out so much in work right now that he could cry. I just wanted to know if he could get holidays.

I do kind of want advice because I can see it from his side that maybe we don't do as much couple things as we should so I really am trying. Then the suggestions I give get dismissed also. Am I being selfish and not giving enough of my time??Does it sound like I spend too much time elsewhere and am I hurting him by doing so???

I know myself I want to see my friends and family more but he thinks we should go out first. Its like tit for tat kind of thing. He seems to think I am really immature and maybe cant handle a "proper relationship" and he has me thinking that too sometimes!!

Yeah I know I cant live like this because it is making me miserable. But yeah he is not a bad person but just doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and thinks it all about me and him and that we always comes first. To me my family do come first sometimes???? Right??? I have sacrificed so much for him but he just sees this as "normal"!! That I have been living life the wrong way sort of thing.

When we argued on sunday I broke down and said I didn't know if I can be happy anymore but he just keeps saying its me.... im making me think this way??? Holy rubbish I really don't wanna feel like this . I did get upset and start thinking about my dad because he would make everything ok for me but again I am making worse by thinking like this ?!!!!?

I need a guardian angel :)

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 12:52 pm
He keeps saying that I cant live a single life!! In no way shape or form am I living a single life. I'm not stupid, I know I cant go out the way I would but I still want to have the odd day out with my friends or night out. I did tell him I felt like I cant ever win but he just says I'm feeling sorry for myself. I am a people pleaser, I will do everything in my power to try and please him but it is leaving me miserable. I know it sounds mad but I really did hope we could get back what we once had because is not a bad person. But I just cant go on my whole life like this. I know im putting my happiness to the side for the sake of others but he actually thinks im selfish and I never put him first, that I always put me first.

He is never going to change is he ????

When he is he is so nice to me. Im perfect, he is so lucky etc etc but the bad is totally out weighing the good right now but he really thinks It is because I am holding grudges. I am trying so much. Its just getting to the stage that I don't even want to say if someone wants to meet up with me or anything, I feel guilty for them wanting to meet up with me!!! How messed up is that??

I know deep down this relationship is toxic but you keep trying to hold on to the tiniest glimmer of hope. I know I am not myself these days. Maybe we are causing each other to act this way, just not bringing out the best in each other. Quite the opposite actually.
I just feel that whenever I express my opinion I get accused of starting an argument or fight!

Feeling helpless

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 1:32 pm
by reckoner
Well... The thing is that a good relationship is a very delicate balancing act. As well as being a partnership and working together, you also need to retain your individuality - the very thing that attracted yourselves to each other in the first place. To do that, I firmly believe you need your own space to pursue your own interests. And as individuals, you'll change over time and the relationship needs to accommodate that. And even a good relationship is not good all the time. Everyone has bad days, no one is perfect, everyone screws up. So all relationships, no matter how good, are hard to maintain.

So when you get into a relationship with someone, you need to know it's with someone who's there to support you as much as you're there to support them. But it seems very clear that you're doing all the supporting here, yet his problem is that you're not doing enough. It's as if you're being punished for not being (his definition of) perfect. He's got you chasing your own tail.

This time, the dramas are about your friends and family. But it's also been about male colleagues at your work, and will be about any other change in your life that he will inevitably perceive as a threat. Even if you get things to his definition of right, change is inevitable and you'll have to start over to make things right again.

You've hit the nail on the head: you can't win. And no, he's not going to change. You feel helpless because you are helpless.

Think about exactly what it would take to make him happy, right or wrong; everything he has said about your independent life, your behaviour at work with colleagues, prioritising his family unit, arranging activities that won't cause him to stress out etc. Are you capable of doing what he requires? Because if you're not, and according to his own judgment you haven't been so far, maybe you'd actually be doing him a favour by leaving him to find someone who is.

And I would wish him luck on that quest.

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 2:06 pm
Yeah I totally agree. You really do need a balance and I am trying so hard to do that (don't think it should be this difficult though) Totally, you still have to be you and right now I feel the furthest away from being me I have ever been. People outwith us can see it as well. I think I am relying so much on him that I am losing my identity and yeah that is what attracts you to each other in the first place. Hadn't thought of it like that. Of course we are far from perfect but life just seems to be one big ass struggle right now and as soon as I feel I am getting back on track... BOOM something else happens and it starts all over again. He just talks all the time saying "we are one" "this is your family now" Yeah they are my family but I still have my own family back home.

I did feel he was that person when we met but now its completely different story. He didn't txt me non stop last week and he was actually looking for praise, saying didn't I do well etc. I was happy for him but surely that is what a normal person does??

I totally understand where you are coming from..... Even though he tells me all the time how perfect I am, how much he loves me and how I complete him etc, I still don't think I will ever measure up to what he has in his head as an "ideal" relationship or partner.

I just constantly feel on edge and worrying about what I am saying. I want to come home and tell him all about my day and things I want to do but I know it just wont end well then I feel guilty if I share it with my mum or a friend :( I want to be excited about my holiday with mum but I just feel I cant and I will put it off because I don't want to hurt his feelings or start anything. I really want to arrange my 30th birthday party and include him in that but he just doesn't make me feel like I can but deflects that onto me somehow. Its my fault that I cant talk to him.

Btw I might add I have looked up loads n loads for us to do but he just says we cant afford that but he can afford to drink to bottles of wine every Friday whether I am happy with it or not!! I look at holidays for us and the boys all the time and ways to better our flat etc but I just get shot down. So please don't think I am only trying to organise things for myself.

I really want to join a gym because I feel really horrible about myself but I would never say because he would take that as a personal attack that I would rather go there than spend time with him!!

The constant arguing and just agreeing to stop the arguing is really taking its toll on me. I am fed up of not being heard even though he is convinced he is taking my feelings into consideration.

I will say I deffo have my faults as well, I always say I'm not perfect. Yeah I might get a little defensive when things happen but I am basically pre empting the argument that normally comes afterwards. I have just come to expect grief and confrontation. If I do I say sorry straight away but it gets dragged on and I am accused of killing the relationship.

I'm tired :(

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 4:36 pm
by reckoner
I feel like this is a game of fetch. He's throwing the stick. You think he actually wants the stick and that the game ends when you've retrieved it. Actually, though, he wants you to chase after things and bring them back, so the game will never end. He doesn't want you to be perfect as much as he wants you to keep trying to be whatever he wants you to be. The game will never end. No matter how many hoops you jump through, there will always be another one.

A friend of mine is married to a ghastly, controlling woman. We get to complain about her a lot because she never lets us see him. Even though we all hate her, there's only so much we can complain about her before we have to acknowledge that it's his choice to be with her. They have two kids now and we know he'll never escape. If you think it's difficult to leave him now, how much harder is it going to be if you get pregnant or something?

Snail said earlier that we don't mind how long it takes you to leave him, which of course is absolutely true. But the insidious danger, I think, is there is a weird kind of security in him controlling your life and the longer you let him do it, the more dependent on him you're likely to become. So we don't mind how long you take, but you should.

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 4:54 pm
Yeah it is like a never ending game when you think of it that way. The more I try and fetch (without comparing myself to a dog lol ) the more tiring it gets and the more the fun dissolves from the whole process. Yeah like he is trying to mould me into his very own cast.

Oh I know, I totally understand that the longer I put this off the harder it is going to get.

I know its pathetic just how much I am not standing up for myself and doing what I think is correct and holy moly it scares the bijesus out of me just how weak I have become and yeah how much I am being controlled by this situation. :( I really don't want to be!!! I know I have changed, I was once the bubbly girl in work who didn't take any rubbish from anyone and even colleagues are telling me something is off, that I am just not the same. Ahhhhhh I know I am not and I hate it. I hate myself right now, well maybe not hate but I really don't like myself. I know personally that I lost all my confidence when I lost my dad, I know I did. Maybe he started to give me that back but now I'm in that deep that I cant see a way out??? I get angry at myself for being like this. Its not me. What would dad say ???? Etc. I really cant bring myself to hurt him or the boys. I know it would kill me. The guilt I already carry with me ( I also carry guilt about my dad) I have always been angry at myself for not getting a second drs opinion as I wasn't happy with the doc and for not being with him when we passed. Never actually told anyone this before btw!!!

Maybe I have just never dealt with that and my partner was a distraction from the pain??? I just don't know. Hard to explain because I cant really pin point exactly when it went belly up.
Thank you so much

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 10:29 pm
by reckoner
You must be suffering terribly from your Dad's death, especially if you have questions left in your mind about what you could have done differently, but that's just a cruel trick your mind plays on itself after something terrible has happened. However guilty you feel, it's not your fault.

I think it's really important that you stop thinking of yourself as pathetic. I also hope I'm not contributing to that feeling by banging the same drum all the time; it seemed better to say it than not say it, but it's counterproductive if it's making you feel worse. If you beat yourself up and think of yourself as weak or pathetic, you make it harder to find the strength to get yourself out of this situation; you'll push yourself further from your goal.

I think the 'What would Dad say?' thought process is really valuable. I think it's easier to find the strength to do something important when it's for someone important to you than it is if it's 'just' for yourself. Your Dad would want you to be happy, as do the many family, friends and colleagues who care for you and must be troubled to see you unhappy in this way. Maybe you can find the strength when it's for them.

Be kind and sympathetic to yourself: anyone would struggle with what you're dealing with.

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 8:25 am

I am honestly starting to think that I never actually dealt with it and things are catching up with me now. He was my best friend and it was very sudden. Dad gave me the confidence I needed to do whatever I wanted. I always knew when he was here no matter what, I would be always be ok and when he died that security just disappeared. That coupled with now the weight gain and psoriasis flair ups it is leaving me a shadow of myself. My self confidence is crippling right in front of me. I was the strong one for mum also, everyone kept telling me I had to be strong so I was but I think I am maybe suffering now because of it.

The night before dad died I knew he just wasn't right but the doctor said he was fine and something told me to get a second opinion but I never and the next day it was too late :( We also chose to leave the hospital that evening ( Just not contemplating whatsoever that he would go) and as soon as we stepped in the door we got a phone call to go back but we missed him.

No no don't be silly, I need home truths and a bit of reality. That's why I am here because he has got me second guessing myself all the time. It is pathetic though how I cant just do what I need to do for myself. I was so close last night, I actually had my hand on the door handle but just couldn't do it :( Arguing from when I got in from work till I basically went to bed. How I wasn't putting him first, I should have made concrete plan with him for his 2 days off before asking my friends. I really wasn't choosing one over the other or anything like that but because I stuck to my guns the arguments continued but of course its my fault for arguing. I actually told him how I don't think he listens or values my opinions etc but he just keeps saying its me that's taking it that way and that I am wrong. I do think when I leave I have to do it when he is not at home because he did grab my trainer off me and fling it and stood against the living room door to stop me leaving. He did txt this morning that he was really sorry for everything and to book my time with friends etc but I don't know if I buy it. I also get a lot is "don't play the victim" when I tell him how I feel. I just want him to know. I am trying to tell him things are not right for me but I just don't think he gets it. He does also seem to think that if I go out with my friends when I am off that I should be home when he gets in from work but I wouldn't normally anyway because he finishes way earlier than me!!

My dad would be so angry at me right now for being like this. He would go along with anything as long as it made me happy. He put up with my ex for 7 years for me (didn't find out until he passed that he didn't like him) I had a very special bond with my dad. So many people have said they wish they had that. We went to the pub together, football, I always took him shopping etc. When I passed my driving test and was so nervous he came up with me at the weekend to work to help me practice parking and my first day he came in the car with me and let me drop him off down the road so no one saw and he got the bus home. Such an amazing man. Honestly, he has helped so many people in his life time. I did go to the cemetery this morning, I just wanted to be close to him. I ask him for guidance & strength (as stupid & crazy as that sounds)

Yeah I know I have changed and it is not for the better (not bad either) I need to feel like me again.

Feeling so lost

Thank you so much for taking the time out to talk with me btw. It really is such a god send.


Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:32 pm
by peecee
I'm going to comment on just one part of your thread, petal, your dad Going Upstairs. :)

First - even if you had got a second opinion, it wouldn't have made any difference to his going.
Second - you possibly don't know how often it happens, that you sit with your loved one for hours, and when you nip out for a cuppa, they leave. It happened with my dad after my sis and I sat with him all night and the following day, then went out for a breath of fresh air. It happened to a friend of mine, who felt guilty until I told her about my dad. I've heard this from SO many people, you have absolutely no reason to reproach yourself or think you did anything wrong. You were there for your dad when it mattered, and not all children can say that. Don't be afraid to talk to him now; even if you don't believe in life after death, I hope we all believe that love never dies.

Oh - I also wanted to say; don't apologise for offering advice in the other thread, you are perfectly entitled to, and you do offer very sound advice. If we all waited until our lives were perfect before we did anything for other people, we would never do anything. :D

Now about your relationship - sit down and read all the advice you've been given and the talks you've had with other PPers. You WILL be strong enough to make the decision that's best for you one day. You are building up to it now, and one day you will surprise yourself.


Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:52 pm
Hi Peecee

Thank you so much for replying to my post.

Yeah I suppose it does happen a lot but at the time it doesn't stop the guilt just overcoming everything. I think I just never ever believed that he would go. No one did. Sorry to hear of your dads passing also. I know some people think I am holding on to something that's no longer there or not trying to move on but honest I really am. Well I thought I was.....Oh I believe. I really do but I just don't know how other people with perceive that. I do talk to him a lot but I also feel guilty if I don't think about him for a while. Gets very confusing. I have been convinced I can smell his ash tray in my car suddenly from time to time but I dunno....

Aww thank you so much. Sorry is a word I seem to use a hell of a lot these days :( I know it sounds crazy but it really is so much easier to give advice rather than to take it. If I can help someone then I will be really happy.

Yeah I think I will try and read them all. I just do it at work because I cant do it at home (wouldn't go down well at all). I know deep down what I need to do.... I just need to muster the strength to do it. I know I cant live my life like this. It is really not fair. But again I would rather go miserable than hurt someone else :( How crazy does that sound!!!!!! ](*,)

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do appreciate them. I know I have said it before but PP is such a great place to escape to.


Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 2:35 pm
by reckoner
My grandmother also passed on when my mother had left her alone, and I too have heard this over and over and over again. And when I think about it, if it were me, and I knew my time had come (which I think happens; animals take themselves away at that point and, again, it's something I hear often with people who seem to know or decide that they are ready to go), I wouldn't want to leave my loved ones while they were right there, or have them see me leave them. If death happened right in front of you, that memory might override all the memories you have of them being alive. Seeing death would be too traumatic. So I find it difficult to believe it's just coincidence.

Life is energy and "energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another," according to Albert Einstein. I'm not saying that this means he believed in an afterlife, but it does sound a bit like that.. I think what humanity knows for sure is dwarfed by what it doesn't know, so nothing should stop you from believing in whatever gives you the comfort and strength to get up and face the day. I happen to believe that the only limit to what is possible is what our imagination is capable of.

So I urge you to think about your Dad and what he would have to say. From what you've said, I find it difficult to believe he would think of you as weak or pathetic. Perhaps a victim of your own kindness, but that's different. I think he'd just want to take your hand and lead you away from this. Xxx

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 3:23 pm

Yeah it does play in your head big time. How I just left him alone but what you say does make sense. I know myself it would have been horrific for us to witness but I just wanted to be there for dad. I did see him afterwards which was bad enough to be honest. I must admit that image does stick in my head. I do try my best to think of all the happy times. The way I see it I was super lucky because what I had in 27 years some people never have in a life time together. I have to think of it like that. Sometimes I honestly do feel that I might just now starting to feel how I should have felt when I lost dad ie... Numb, I don't want affection, I feel angry a lot of the time, Lost. It might sound a tad mad but its like I am just starting to grieve. Maybe this situation I am has just brought it to the surface or maybe I just wont ever be the sae again after losing him :( Will I ever love anyone again ??? It scares me to think that maybe I am not capable of love :( !!! On paper this relationship should work. Someone who loves the bones off me, we can laugh together, I love the boys so much and I think they are the same.

That quote you just said is beautiful btw. It makes so much sense and it is comforting. You are so right reckoner, my dad would want to lead me away from this toxic situation. I am just so lost without him. Sometimes I do think that maybe I am sabotaging this relationship "unintentionally" I don't think I deserve to be happy ??? When dad first died, if I found myself laughing or not thinking about him for 2 secs I would automatically think about him lying in the hospital and sadness would come. Am I the route of a lot of this???? Am I now damaged goods???

I know I sound like such a broken record and a bit "me me me" but I am just desperate for answers and resolutions.

Yeah dad deffo wouldn't be thinking I was pathetic etc. Not a day went by that he didn't tell me he loved me or was proud of me. (V lucky girl)


Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 3:31 pm
I also just wanted to say I really don't want to be one of these people that live in the past. Or one that doesn't want to be happy or someone who feels sorry for themselves all the time because I am not like that. I'm really not. I wouldn't be on here if I was that person. I am just struggling with life right now. Losing dad was the biggest and most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me and the break down of my 7 year relationship a few months after. Its as if I went into shock and have just been coasting along with life since.