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Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 10:00 pm
by Tarantula
^^ And that's exactly how you ended up with this guy: because you were vulnerable and he honed in on it like a vulture. Whether consciously or not, he came to you precisely BECAUSE you were easy to target. A woman with her self esteem in tow wouldn't give him the time of day, and that's the root of all of this.

Stop waiting for the right moment. There isn't going to be a right moment, you're just wasting valuable time of your life, day by day.

You are being emotionally abused and you need to get out now.

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 7:14 am
by David020549
I think the answer is in your username " Shy", your man thinks he can manipulate you and wear you down, probably to be his idea of a "Model Wife" for want of a better term. What are you actually getting from this relationship, from your posts it is a lot of hassle and little else, but then that is so often the case with second time round relationships.

I have to agree with Tarantula, there is not going to be a right moment, so unless there is a compelling reason that you have not mentioned, give yourself a break and end it.

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 9:17 am
Oh Terantula, I know everything you say is true. Part of me always hoped it wasn't.

I am really sorry if you think you are wasting your time helping me (you are not) Honest. Every time I come on here it does help me gain a little perspective or at least sanity.

I just need to get the strength from somewhere to walk away. I know its petty but I always want to do the right thing by others and hate looking like the bad guy but I know if I walk I am going to be portrayed as that character. He just doesn't think he has done anything wrong, that I cause all of this. The thought of leaving the boys kills me also, I have grown so fond and last night he was talking about I signed up for this and said I was ready, how he couldn't ask for a better step mum for his boys etc. I also got "I couldn't cope if you weren't here" Take that how you may but I know what that means.!!!! Omg it kills me so much. I know what I need to do because I am so very miserable :(

I some how manage to convince myself its the wrong thing to do when I go to walk. It feels like some sort of addiction or something. I do feel rather crazy

Thanks again for taking the time out to talk to me x

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 9:24 am
Thank you for posting David

Yeah I really think he does have an idea of his "ideal wife" and wont stop until I conform but I just don't agree with all that he asks of me. He then makes me feel like such a horrific person for even thinking of disagreeing.

Don't get me wrong when things are good, they are really good and I can trundle along quite nicely but these bad times or whatever you wanna call them are just destroying me piece by piece to the extent I get so angry and really don't like myself for being this way. I know I have ended up craving his well "approval" on everything and I know its not normal but I just cant seem to do anything about it.

I want to be independent, I think I have missed that. I went from staying with parents to staying with him, not really having a go at life on my own. I have never been the most confident of people and have always second guessed myself but this is taking it to a new level completely. I have lost my former self. Even being on PP (I am still wanting to know if I am being unreasonable or in the wrong etc), I just don't trust my gut and I know I should. I am such a people pleaser and always strive to make others happy ( to the detriment of my happiness) But my partner thinks I am selfish and only think about me.

Thank you for taking the time out to reach out to me.

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 5:15 pm
by Tarantula
Stop caring what he thinks, what we think, what the postman thinks and start worrying about YOUR LIFE. Your feelings, your reality, your opinions - those are all that matter!

He's done a right number on you hasn't he. 'I couldn't cope'.... yeah right. Leave him and watch how he 'copes' all over another woman a couple weeks later. My crystal ball knows, man, it knows...

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2017 8:27 am
Well there has at least been some sort of development.

Last night things went to the next level. On my lunch yesterday I was txting him ,my mum and I helped out a guy in work with a couple of invoices. He asked me if I was too busy to talk because I wasn't responding constant and I said no because I was still talking... right???? Then I did tell him I have helped out with invoices but this now makes me a liar!!! I purposely lied about it???? I also used the quote "I was talking to people" but because I didn't say his name it makes me secretive and I was trying to hide it??? He then just starts having a go because "this guy" is obviously more important to me because I put him first at lunch over my partner ?? !!!!!!! He had a go because he goes to the toilet to talk to me because he's not allowed his phone, I explained I appreciate this but I don't ask him to do it but then I am such a bad guy coz that's not putting him first. He then doesn't believe me and starts to google him and asks if he shares my lunch etc etc.Even asks if there is anything in it!!! He is in his 50s with a wife and kids!!! He then basically threatens and says if u wont tell me the truth then I will need to find it some other way (ie come up to my work and make sure I was sitting at my desk my whole lunch time) This went on all night so I have had no sleep, he was even shaking with pure rage.

Anyway the development is I have now put 3 bags of clothes in my car and a bag of shoes with the intention of going to my mums 2nite. He has txt his sorries etc this morning but I don't even want to hear it :(

I have told a guy in work and he says I need to get out and that his behaviour is border line warranting me to call the police .

I cant do this anymore

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2017 9:36 am
by snail
I'm glad to hear there has been a development - please let us know what happens.

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2017 9:40 am
Thank you Snail

I just really hope I have the guts & strength to go through with it and not cave with all the nicey nice msgs.

I can see them sitting there but I don't even want to open them encase I cave :(

I will certainly keep you updated. I am so thankful to PP though, I think I might have ended up in a padded cell without the advice and second opinions.


Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2017 11:12 pm
by Tarantula
Go you! Please keep us updated.

Padded cell - exactly. Enough's enough. This guy is maladaptive, abusive and DANGEROUS. There's no telling what he might do in future. Shaking with rage? You definitely need to escape from all this chaos.

What's the plan now? It's time to rally up all the support you can, open up about what's been happening - even show your mum this thread if you can!

I also recommend going to a CoDA meeting. It's a 12-step for people who get lost in unhealthy relationships and make it all about 'fixing' the other person, at the total expense of their own wellbeing. I used to go. I'm sure there are meetings in Glasgow.

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 10:00 pm
by Tarantula
If you didn't go through with it, it's okay, I understand, I've been there. Over and over again.

The important thing is for you not to feel isolated or afraid of judgement that you don't write on here or tell anyone what's really going on anymore.

Our support is not conditional on you doing what I/we want you to do.

That said... I really hope you left the toe rag! :D

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 7:03 am
Hi there... I am really struggling right now. I have stayed with mum all weekend and opened up to her and my aunt. But it hurts so much. I do miss him so much and so worry he is ok. He has been sending me beautiful messages of how he needed this too to realise how much he is hurting me. Saying he wants me to be me and will never stand in my way and will support me with everything I want to do. Saying he knows he has brought his issues with his ex into our relationship and is testing us apart because of it (something I have never said to him) so much more has been said but I can't rhyme it all off
If he could do this then we would have an amazing relationship but I just can't ever possibly see how he will be able to stick to it.i know in his heart he will want to but I just don't know. My head is sooo sooo messed up. I just wanna run away and come back and everything is normal. I hate this. I do miss him alot and I am getting Angry at myself for that . I just don't know what to do now. It's like I'm in limbo at the moment. It's just so hard because I know he's not a bad guy. He just has issues but it's made life so difficult. I know he will be crushed if I go. I have been trying to be strong. Leaving my phone indoors so I am not tempted to look etc. Sticking by what I want (even though I still don't really know what) everybody is trying to tell me what to do aswell now and that is just confusing me even more. I know i will have support but I didn't expect it to be this hard :(

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 7:04 am
Also send me flowers to work on Friday saying sorry but I know flowers don't change anything but he really does seem to have a change of heart but I just don't know if he can fulfil his promises

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 7:47 am
by snail
Thank for the update; I must admit over the weekend I kept wondering how you were getting on.

I think opening up to your mum is great as well.

You don't have to make any permanent decisions at the moment. Why not say to him and to anyone who suggests what you should do that you'll give it a week (or a fortnight, or a month, whatever you want) and then decide.

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:32 am
Hi snail.
Thank you so much. That's really nice of you
Yeah I keep telling him I need space but he thinks I have had it already and thinks I should just go and listen to him and then I will see how much things are going to change etc. The thing is I just don't know if i want to anymore :( So much has happened that I don't know if i have just given up on it all now and that hurts to think about but it has changed me as a person and that scares me. He just doesn't get that i need proper time to myself. He has said he won't bother me now bit then I felt like rubbish making him feel like that lol vicious circle I'm in here.

I have been out driving myself today to try clear my head but I don't feel any better. I just don't know how to decide.

Re: I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:50 am
by Tarantula
Deep down, you already have decided.

Of course he's turning on the charm now. Of course. He'd either take that option, or the getting angry option to try and punish you for wanting to leave.

Mark my words, if you go back, he'll go into 'punishment mode' quite quickly. He'll verbally and emotionally batter you into believing that you've done him a grave injustice by daring to try and leave.

But first, he needs to keep up this act long enough to get you back where he wants you. Don't you fall for it!

Do you think I'm demonising him? Ok. So, some questions:

1. Has he listed precisely what he's apologising FOR? And I mean, each and every thing, every occasion you've told us about, and all the things you haven't told us about? Or is he just sorry in general because he's basically just making words happen?
2. Has he described exactly HOW he's going to make things 'different', or is he just saying over and over, in various reiterations, that things will be different? My money says no, he hasn't, because he doesn't have a clue, he's just saying whatever he has to say to get you back where you're vulnerable.
3. Has he respected your need for space at this time? An abusive person wouldn't. The thing they fear the most is giving you enough space to think for yourself and breathe the fresh air of freedom. They don't want that one bit. So, yes, he's going to keep pelting you with contact even if you've asked, several times, to give it a rest... and if he does desist, he'll make darn sure you feel guilty about it first.

Now's the time to read back over your various threads and many many posts, all the things... all the chaos. You've made the immensely brave step to try and free yourself - now you need to reinforce that decision.

I want you to know that I would think differently, even now, if you could honestly say, YES, he has directly addressed all of the poor behaviour he's responsible for, NO, he hasn't tried to blame or guilt trip, YES, he has literally arranged an appointment with a therapist just in these few days, and YES, after some initial resistance, he backed off and left it at 'I'm going to respect your desire for some space, take as much time as you need, please get in touch if/when you feel like talking, I love you very much and I am truly sorry that it has come to this.' And genuinely leaving it at that.

But let's be honest... who are we tryna kid here, huh?

This was always going to be a really rubbish time for you. It's like the final check out fee, after all the chaos you've already put up with. But on the other side of all this, oh, who knows what adventures and better relationships are out there for you! Do I remember right that you're in your 20's, and he's quite a bit older with three kids?