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Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 11:36 am
by Buddieste
I feel almost embarrassed to post on here but I really am at the end of my tether. Around 3 years ago I met a girl in work 17 years younger than me (I was 39). She was the most gorgeous, funny intelligent girl I have ever met. Despite the age gap we seemed to have so much in common. We spoke daily, we laughed together and just felt as if we fitted with each other perfectly.

After around 9 months I made the selfish decision to leave my wife and young daughter for her. I moved into a small rented flat by myself whilst this girl would continue to stay with her parents and stay with me half the time (increasing to full time after a while). From the first day it started to go slowly downhill. In the afternoon the girl got a text from a friend she used to work with asking her to go for a quick drink. I said no problem as it would give me a chance to show my daughter the new flat and where she would be sleeping when she stayed over. I did this and then dropped my daughter off at home. I have never felt so guilty in all of my life. I went back to the flat and sobbed for the first time in around 20 years. The girl texted me to say that the friend she was with was leaving around 9 because she was going to meet her new boyfriend. I said no problem and that I could pick her up. She later texted to say she would be finished by half ten and then again to say she would be later. I suggested picking her up from the pub at midnight. I parked up just before midnight and she was sitting in the window seat with another guy. I texted her and she came out swearing that she hadn’t said she was ready to be picked up. She came out 20 mins later cuddled the guy she was with and jumped in the car. I asked who he was and she said a guy she used to work with. The girl she was originally with left at Nine to meet her new boyfriend. We went home and I tried not to make a scene.

For the next three months I lived in the flat. The girl stayed around three times a week (not as much as I was hoping as I had not been used to living on my own). We had some great times though. We went out at weekends and had fun. We continued to laugh and I felt that we could actually make a go of it. However a few things happened. I felt she wasn’t always telling me the truth of where she was when she went out. She claimed she used to get drunk and black out. She often got home and forgot to text me she was home. I got an email to my work e-mail address from someone random who I did not know telling me she was at a party drapped over other guys. I questioned her on it and she admitted that she had texted and Facebooked other guys but it was almost always when she was drunk and had no memory of it. I asked to see the messages but she said she was embarrassed so had deleted them. She showed me some of the messages she sent to the other guys and there was nothing more than a little gentle flirting (nothing to suggest she had been with them).

We moved on and got to Christmas. I thought that we would spend Christmas together but she informed that she would be at her parents. I went to see my daughter for an hour to get her presents and then another hour in the afternoon. The girl said she would not be late so I waited for her. She eventually came home around 11. I felt stupid and guilty for not spending more time with my daughter. I spent New Year with the girl and started to spend less time with my friends as I was trying to spend time with my daughter but also with this girl. The girl usually spent the Friday night with her friends and I spent it with my daughter. She expected me to spend Saturday with her and went in huffs if I said I was meeting my friends as it would mean she had nothing to do. So it meant I saw my friends less and less but in the interim it didn’t matter as this girl made me happy.

There were further incidents of me being told untruthful information for example she told me that she had got home on the last train. When I advised I was also on that train she changed her story and said she had got a taxi home but never texted when she got home as she fell asleep almost instantly. I felt we were drifting apart. I got moodier. I started to trust her less and less and I started to show her less affection. I told her in June 2016 that I didn’t want to see her and I wanted her to move her stuff out of my flat. It was a snap decisions and the wrong one. I almost immediately regretted it but was too stubborn to say. Within Four weeks she had booked a holiday with her friends and bought a flat and moved out of her parents. However we still spoke daily and she still stayed the same number of nights and started moving her stuff back into my flat. Things essentially stayed the same except on the nights she wasn’t staying at my flat she was staying at her own flat.

We continued on and the issues with inconsistency in her stories continued. She blamed it on a bad memory and drinking too much. I found she had texted a few guys again. She even showed me the texts to show that there was nothing in it apart from harmless flirting. She also claimed that most of the time she couldn’t remember the texting and blamed it on “Sleep Texting”. She said she was cutting back on drinking. However my trust to her was shot to pieces. I wasn’t trying hard enough and showing her the love she deserved. It got to Christmas and I decided that I was going to spend it at my ex-wife and daughters house. This girl had thought she was spending it with me. There was a big argument and this continued through to the New Year. I asked her to leave again. We continued to speak daily and see each other though and then the first weekend after the New Year she invited me out with her friend. I refused and she wasn’t happy and we have a text spat. I never heard if she got home OK but I was concerned about her. I should have just gone to her flat first thing the next morning. However for some reason I went to our office and powered up her PC. No passwords on the PC and I was able to access her facebook and read messages between her and the barman from the local pub which is around 20 meters from her flat. Again it was a bit of flirting with her telling him no one gives her “service” like him etc., I confronted her and she went mad accusing me of snooping on her etc., I felt horrible that I hadn’t trusted her. I felt like scum. She blamed me for treating her poorly and that was why she had messaged this guy to get some love. I tried to make it up to her and invited her to a works event I was going to the next weekend. In the taxi on the way home she attacked me hitting me around a dozen times. The driver tried to take us to the police station. I convinced him to drop her at her flat and me at mine. The driver said he had never witnessed anything like it in his cab and couldn’t believe I kept cool. She came round the next morning and apologised. She blamed the stress of Christmas and New Year and me snooping on her. I forgave her but warned it was the last time.

This year things have moved much as before there have been instances of her texting other guys. She expects me to tell her exactly where I am and when I get home however still on a couple of occasions she has not texted me when she has got home and blamed it on falling asleep. On one occasion I was concerned so went to her flat. I couldn’t get in so hammered the door for a while. Someone called the police. I advised them the story and they helped get into the building and chapped the door. She answered and let us in. It was obvious she had had a lot to drink but was alone. In the living room she attacked me and hit me whilst the police pulled her off. The police woman sat her down and tried to sober her up then cautioned her for her behaviour. She was allowed to go to bed and the police took me home. She came texted the next morning giving me attitude. I then reminded her about the police. She had forgotten. She came round and apologised. Again I forgave her. I said I would also try to make more of an effort.

However the same pattern continues to happen. We have a great time 95% of the time then something goes wrong. I trust her less and less and then in turn I show her less of the attention she craves.

The final straw was this weekend. She was out with 2 girls and a guy from work for a course for work. She told me she would be getting to the train station at 10 and then getting her train home from there and asked if I wanted to walk her home. I told her I wouldn’t be out at that time so thought she would text when she got home. At nearly 11 I texted to ask if she was home. No answer I texted and called with no answer so made my way to her home via the route from the station she should have walked. Eventually an hour later she texted to say she was out but couldn’t text because she had no reception. Although from Whatsapp you can tell if someone has reception. She has later admitted she didn’t tell me she was going out because she was in a mood with me. She eventually got home at two I texted her to say we would deal with it in the morning as I didn’t want to argue. She then told me that she had been with other guys over the last two years to “equal” things up because I had also probably been with my wife. I was mad and sent some messages like should I be tested etc.;, next morning she gave me hassle for the way I spoke to her. I pointed out it was in response to her message about her being with other guys. She denied sending it. She claims it must have been a “sleep text” (however there were several messages most of which in response to mine and all coherent). She has apologised so much and said it wasn’t true. She told me in detail what had happened that night and where she had gone and how she had sobered up by the time she had got home. Then on Monday I overheard one of the girls who was out with her telling everyone that my girlfriend and another girl had went for a nice drink with some guy. It turns out they had met this guy in a bar invited him to the strip club with them. No one got in so the guy left but my girlfriend and another girl had met him in the next bar. They only had a quick drink and the she said the meeting wasn’t planned I confronted her about it and she said she didn’t think it was relevant to tell me about it as nothing had happened.

We have argued all week about things. She has apologised and asked that we put it behind us and move on. However I am finding this difficult to do. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I just feel like I have been a mug and ruined my life.

I do believe she loves me and we have a great time 95% of the time. However it will always be difficult for me to trust her as when I do find out something that contradicts what she has done she blames it on memory loss. She also blames texting other guys late at night after a drink on sleep texting and tells me she has no memory of these things.

For my part I have been less than perfect. I have shown her less love and affection as time has gone on as I trust her less. I have gone on holiday with my wife and my daughter (for my daughter’s sake). The girl said she had no problem with this and I constantly texted her to tell her where I was and showed that it was separate rooms. I have never lied to her and I was absolutely besotted with her and probably still am on some level. Maybe if I had tried harder she wouldn’t do these things!

Am I being stupid to think we have a future?

Sorry for the long message I just feel I have no one to talk to.

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:11 pm
by Tarantula
Don't be embarrassed to be writing here; I've been doing it for over a decade. :lol:

Yes you are being stupid and yes you have been a mug.

This girl - who you refer to as 'the girl', not your woman, not your partner or girlfriend, I note - is behaving like a moody teenager and you're lapping it up why? Because she's young? Because you left your wife for this rubbish?

I'm afraid you've lost your investment and it is never coming back. Sorry for your loss. Now it's time to let all this drunken studenty dooky wah wah YOLO business go - drop it like it's hot, actually - and get out of there and make better choices in future.

The warning signs were all there and you ignored them. I've done that too. Doesn't it just take the biscuit that a part of you would've been saying from the first incident 'thisss is nooooot going to go weeeeelllll....' but you carried on anyway? I know, I know.

I know it's deeper than how I've made out... it's also about you not adjusting to being on your own and becoming heavily dependent on her and thus willing to put up with more rubbish than you perhaps otherwise would.... parts of her behaviour are also more 'sinister', or unhealthy, than just general young person-ness... it's darker than that, she sounds like an alcoholic and attention-addict who has clearly been messing around other guys from the start.... did you cheat on your wife with her? I'm thinking probably, but I hope not, and in any case you now need to decide what's more important:

participating in her next episode of drunken cheats/physical abuse (that's noooot good. Really, really not good) and blaming yourself for some reason (I don't see that you've done anything to her to deserve this tbh), OR letting her go and sorting yourself out, to be with a more stable woman in future and even be a better father - I don't know, but I'd estimate that all of this drama is not helping you to be what your daughter needs you to be; you've already mentioned spending less time with her than you otherwise would have............ be careful because kids remember. And if she's too young to remember then don't let this become a pattern of behaviour lasting until she IS old enough to remember.

I wanted to be a bit 'tough love' with you because I think it might be a wakeup call that you're being told off by someone on the internet who's confirming all the things you already deep down know. Come on now - there's no future there. Not a healthy, good one at any rate. She's got her own demons and things and sounds to me quite immature. I hope she'll sort out whatever her underlying reasons are for drinking so much and needing so much ego boost from various men, but she definitely won't do that whilst she's got you to pick up the tab.

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:48 pm
by Buddieste
Thanks for the reply, It is embarrassing for me because it is not something I can speak to my friends about (most of them think I was daft to get involved in the first instance) and cant speak to my family. So the last option seemed to be anonymous people on the internet.

Just to clarify on this girl. She is definitely not an alcoholic. She is a binge drinker (don't know if that makes it any better). She has admitted that herself and is trying make things better. Certainly she doesn't drink as often as previous. She is also one of the sweetest, kindest people I have ever met (95% of the time). I am not making excuses for her but we have had great times together. Also she certainly isn't a gold digger or anything like that. She has a good job, she is independently financially sound. (Also I don't have any money anyway :-)) . She has also admitted she was young and slightly immature. This is something that you felt was getting much better .But this weekends escapades make me think she is still a fair bit off where I need her to be.

I hold my hands up and admit that I have shown her less and less affection as time has gone by. I should have made more effort. I should have tried harder to make things work when maybe things weren't going the way I wanted them to.

I also admit that I had an affair with her before I left my wife. I wont even try to justify any reasons for that as it is completely out of order and something that is disgusting behaviour.

For me it feels like I have been a stupid old fool (well of 40 is old). I had this stunning girl who I felt was a perfect fit for me giving me attention for which I reciprocated. In some sort of parallel universe I saw us getting married and having kids.

I do believe there was and is genuine love on both parts. But I cant envisage a future when things like this will not happen again.

Thanks for listening.

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:43 pm
by Tarantula
She's one of the sweetest and kindest persons you've met... when she isn't sending dodgy messaging to guys, barmen, meeting up, being cuddly, causing randoms you don't know to warn you over email...

... sounds like a delight! ;)

Everyone has their nice sides, but no amount of effort from your part is gonna prevent it if all she wants to do is get her ego fed from many different sources.

For the older partner here, you do sure sound naive.

Alright alright I'll get off your case shall I? But really, stop beating yourself up for withdrawing when there were GOOD FLIPPING REASONS to withdraw or even run a mile. Don't put her on a pedestal just 'cause she's young and you had a lot riding on it or whatever.

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 8:46 pm
by David020549
The part I don't understand is why does she want to have you around ?. Independant, committed to her friends before you, including male friends, and drinks too much, why. She has got you on the defensive now, she is in charge and that is how it will remain until you end the relationship, it's not just age that's the problem it's her attitude and personality, so however gorgeous she is she's not the one for you.

You speak of a holiday with your wife, that must have been a bundle of fun!, but you refer to Wife not Ex Wife, are you still married?. At 40 you are still young, there are plenty of nice sensible single women to spend the second half of your life with, they may not be " arm candy" in the same way but much easier to live with. Learn from your mistake and don't mess up next time.

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:49 am
by Buddieste
Hi David,

I probably refer to my ex as my wife or ex-wife out of habit. She is effectively my ex-wife in my head although we are not yet divorced. I do however have a reasonable relationship with her and ensure we do at least spend time together like holidays for my daughter.

The above messages above has struck a cord with me especially regarding the immaturity theme. This was one of the reasons we got together. I saw her as someone much more mature for her age. Acting like someone in her 30s. But somewhere along the line I have actually missed that she isn't the much more mature person I thought she was and she does indeed act like someone in her early 20s at times. Obviously that isn't her fault. That is the age she is. I just had her on a pedestal and in my head she was more mature than she actually is.

I have also thought back to all the times she has did things which I have felt have been out of order. Never did I receive an unreserved apology. It usually meant we had an agreement for a couple of days for which she blamed my previous actions on her actions and choices. I was then left to carry the burden of this partial blame for the next few days, weeks and months. When you are in a relationship it is sometimes hard to see the bigger picture and you get bogged down accepting peoples behaviour as you feel maybe your own wasn't up to the correct standard.

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 12:56 pm
by Tarantula
I hear you 100% on that last part, and coming from my own similar experience.

To be honest, and sorry to be the bringer of bad news, but judging from what you've told us (which, I imagine, is LESS than the full story because to describe every single incident, big and small, would take too long), in addition to this new info about her never apologising, and so not taking responsibility for her own behaviour but blaming it on you, plus the physical violence and stuff... I'm afraid I think she's somewhat emotionally abusive. Never apologising is one sign of that, physical outbursts another, in addition to unreasonable jealousy/expecting you to be at her beck and call. Taken in isolation you could say, maybe she's 'just' a selfish personality type, or immature or whatever, but the more I think, the more I think she's done a number on you and you need to get away from her.

It's obvious that you shoulder WAY more than your fair portion of blame for the problems in the relationship. I thought that was just you being a softy, but she's reinforcing it? Not cool.

You don't have trust 'issues'. You have, stuck-with-someone-whose-movie-didn't-live-up-to-the-trailer issues. But you're only stuck for as long as you want to be. As David said, she isn't going to change - at least not for you, and probably not for anyone. But definitely not for you. Why? Because you've already set the precedent for the dynamic of this relationship, and if you try to undo it/shift to being more assertive, she will either become the abandoned child and/or react very badly, have more outbursts, cheat (more than already - sorry but she has/is) and ultimately dump you in a horrible way.

I can understand how you just decided she was 'mature' because that's what you needed her to be at the time. But you chose the wrong escape rope out of your marriage.

I should've asked about how she responds to conflict before.

Um, addressing the itch of curiousness.... knowing the things you know now, would you stay with your wife? Or was that a done deal irrespective of meeting this newer, younger model?

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 1:51 pm
by Buddieste
Sorry should have been more clearer regarding her apologising when there is an incident. It isn't an unreserved apology. There is always an argument followed by a reason for her actions. Such as this weekend was because I hadn't kept her updated with my actions and sent a message confirming that I was home at 20.30 (which writing this does obviously sound ridiculous) and the reason she was flirting with the barman and attacked me the week after was due to my spending Christmas day with ex-wife and daughter. There is never an immediate apology for things which are quite obviously an issue.

When I left my relationship with my wife was effectively over and had been for a while. I had always said I would stay with her until my daughter was old enough as I know how hard it was for me growing up because my dad left my mum for another women when I was four. Yes I do know that's almost exactly what I did and yes I probably do regret it as things haven't worked out as I expected.

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 3:04 pm
by reckoner
I hate to admit this but I was violent with an ex in my early twenties (I'm female). It would happen when I was drunk. The relationship was going downhill and although it was making me very unhappy and frustrated, I couldn't bring myself to actually finish it. Whenever I got drunk, I turned into a monster with him. The feelings would out, I guess - out of control. Never done it with anyone since, and it made me much more vigilant in relationships to make sure things don't slide and expose both me and whoever I'm with to that behaviour ever again.

Violence is no more excusable when it is woman on man than when it's the other way round and I think you'll be doing her a big favour to make it crystal clear to her that, regardless of what her reasons were, it's totally unacceptable behaviour. If you accept the behaviour on any level, grudgingly, after an apology or otherwise, she won't get that point.

You also need to accept that her violence is a big indicator, and they don't get any bigger, that the relationship has gone very wrong.

That aspect aside, I can imagine that, at the start, you brought out a mature side in her that she would have enjoyed as much as you but was always going to be difficult, if not impossible, to sustain 100% of the time in a full blown relationship, especially with ex-wife and kid in the mix. I suspect the weight of responsibility for breaking up that family unit might be what's keeping her in the relationship, even if it's making her unhappy enough to lash out violently at you.

Personally, I'm not sure if it's about maturity or immaturity; as you commented before, she's acting her age (I'm not excusing the violence here, age is no excuse for that) and so are you. It's not working out and I think you need to end things before they get any worse.

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 4:46 pm
by Buddieste
Possibly I have been harsh on this girl and the reason she flirted with the barman and attacked me was more to do with me telling her at the end of Christmas day, that I didn't want to be with her and she should move out again. We argued about it for almost two weeks and I showed very little remorse for doing it and although she begged to see me I didn't show her I cared.

I am by no means perfect in this and I certainly have not helped the relationship.

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 4:58 pm
by Tarantula
You wanna defend her 'cause otherwise you'll have to leave i.e. take action, which is scary.

You're not happy with her but you'd take comfortable unhappiness over fear of the unknown any day.

That's why you're going back to blaming yourself.

Well, it's your life.

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2017 8:45 am
by David020549
Successful relationships are all about being in love and balance, give and take if you like, with neither taking advantage of the other. An age difference does not make it easier but there are plenty of men who have wives 10 or more years younger, there are many reasons why life is easier with an older man, but she has got to be stable, mature and know what she wants.

In your case this girl is not love with you, she wants her own way in everything and argues and lies to achieve that, she wants her single life as well as whatever relationship she has with you. Eventually she will change, almost all women do but it will not be with you because too many bad things have happened, too much history, that will sour any future attempts to continue the affair.

Are you in love with her?, you sound besotted or is it just the ego boost of having an attractive younger woman in your bed, but your real problem is if she drinks too much now, what is she going to be like in the future, is she going to give up the booze or resort to drink at every stress point in the future.

You describe her as a typical good time girl, there are plenty like her, early twenties, enjoying themselves but not ready to settle down, you met her too early because she shows no sign of settling with you

Re: Trust issues with a younger girlfriend

PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 4:06 pm

It really does sound like she doesn't have respect for yourself or your relationship. I myself am the younger of a relationship with a 9 year age difference and I certainly don't act like that. Yeah we might want different things and it can be really difficult (to the extent my relationship) is falling apart but I would still never act that way no matter how bad things get.

People say age is just a number and it is to a certain extent but it has to have some sort of impact. The way I see it is.... what my partner has done in his life I am still looking to accomplish and that will cause problems whether I would like to think it will or not. You would have to be very lucky and find a "girl" who is so much more mature than your average joe and you would have to be a little bit more youthful I would say to at least meet in the middle. Don't get me wrong you can still have a laugh and a good time together but it will rear its ugly wee head from time to time. Points of view will differ (different up bringing's etc etc) Up to the individuals involved to see if their "love" can withstand it.

People can be nice most of the time but when the badness is out weighing the goodness then there is an issue. There is no excuse for cheating or flirting with other guys. NO EXCUSE!! You don't deserve that. We all have our flaws but you just appear to be someone besotted with another person who doesn't appear to be treating you the way you should be.

Relationships should be equal, not one person trying to do all the work, recipe for disaster.

I know you say she says sorry but anyone can say sorry, its a different kettle of fish actually doing something about it and yeah people say sorry just to get out of sticky situations (it doesn't work) Believe me, I have been doing that the past few months (not for the same reasons whatsoever, different story altogether) but it is easy!! Just beware.

The snooping I am very familiar with and it was so degrading and made me feel so small (although I actually didn't do anything to warrant the snooping) You did but maybe not the best move to find out. Honesty is the key, if you don't have that then you don't have much. I am finding out that if there is no communication in a relationship then it will fall apart.

Only you can decide what to do, it is definitely not as easy as it sounds (I have been struggling for the past few months) You grab onto the smallest glimmer of hope but as soon as you find it something else happens :( Its really hard but PP is a god send, honestly. You will always have people to talk to. Although I am still in my position, talking to people on here has made me think more clearly and maybe get a bit more self worth about me.

I know I probably have a right nerve giving advice but it is always easier to look into someone else's situation than to sit and analyse your own. It really does become a whole lot more real and pretty god dam scary.

Wish you all the best