Where do we go from here?...

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Where do we go from here?...

Postby Scraggle Toes » Sat Jul 22, 2017 11:21 pm

I met my partner in my early 30's not long after my mum died (cancer, and which I found v traumatic). Before him I'd been with someone for 6 years, who I thought was my soulmate, but he cheated on me while I moved home to care for my mum. He got another girl pregnant while I was looking after my mum, and he didn't tell me. I found out through Facebook. All very horrible, but I tried to see it as a blessing in disguise. I was better off finding out what he was like, and my priority had to be my mum.

So, when she passed away shortly after all this, I was quite vulnerable. I met my current partner at that stage. A solid, genuine, loving and kind guy who I just felt like I knew straight away. He made me feel 'home', which was exactly what I needed. It wasn't as physical a relationship as my previous partner, but I also thought that was probably better too - less emphasis on sex, more emphasis on genuinely caring about each other and building a life together. I just decided he didn't have as high a sex drive as previous partners.

Fast forward 8 years and we have a house, dog, and 5 year old. All is good, I love my life. Except ... After we had our child we stopped having sex completely. If it was discussed at all, we blamed it on being too busy/tired. In 5 years we've had sex maybe 7 times. We're now trying for baby number 2, and this has brought the problem to the fore. We're so out of practice that sex is unnatural, awkward. We both want it to work, but it's no longer something we do. It doesn't feel right. Trying for baby number 2 has shown me/us that this is now a problem.

With my previous partner, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. So I know what it feels like to have that absolute attraction. And this isn't it. But I do love my partner so much. He's the best person to walk by my side, and he's the best dad to our child.

I can't see this situation improving (I've thought about counselling, but don't think my partner would ever accept this as an option). I don't want to leave him, but would it be better if I did?

Thanks for reading!




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Re: Where do we go from here?...

Postby David020549 » Sun Jul 23, 2017 7:18 am

My sympathy, this is a very regular topic on PP, men having a low sex drive when they are still young, that is quite a mismatch with women of a similar age who would usually have a strong sex drive.
A few questions, why does it feel unnatural and awkward, what is putting you off or putting him off, which of you usually initiates kisses, cuddling and sex, is alcohol or body weight a likely problem.

Confidence is everything for a man, a couple of failures can easily mean they stop trying.
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Re: Where do we go from here?...

Postby Scraggle Toes » Sun Jul 23, 2017 8:33 am

David020549 wrote:My sympathy, this is a very regular topic on PP, men having a low sex drive when they are still young, that is quite a mismatch with women of a similar age who would usually have a strong sex drive.
A few questions, why does it feel unnatural and awkward, what is putting you off or putting him off, which of you usually initiates kisses, cuddling and sex, is alcohol or body weight a likely problem.

Confidence is everything for a man, a couple of failures can easily mean they stop trying.


Thanks for responding!
We've got into a routine where we're more like brother and sister. And that's why it feels awkward and unnatural. We both initiate sex, but more in a 'this is something we should do now we have a minute' kind of way. And it's not a good experience when we do have sex because we're so unused to being with each other in that way. It's not enjoyable - and that's probably because we're both aware that this has become a problem and we're self-conscious. We've recently had a talk about it and my partner admitted that he's feeling insecure. He wants me to be more forward, but I'm also very awkward now. With previous, more sexually confident partners, I had no problem, but in this scenario, with a partner who's less dominant, I feel embarrassed and under pressure to take control when that's not my nature. I'd been hoping that if we could try and have sex more often there'd be less expectation on each time it happens, and we'd get used to each other in that way again. I wanted to try and take the pressure out of it and just have fun. But instead every time we have sex it highlights how bad the sex is. It's not getting any better.


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Re: Where do we go from here?...

Postby David020549 » Sun Jul 23, 2017 6:11 pm

He is insecure and lacks confidence, so get married!. That's probably not a fashionable thing to say but it's a pretty good reason for acting like brother and sister. Really, with a 5 yr old and wanting another it would be a big boost to you both, it need not be expensive, just have a party and a holiday together and start a whole new chapter in your life.

In the mean time set one evening a week aside together, have a hot bath, a bottle of wine and an early night, don't bother with dressing up just lots of kissing and caressing don't rush and it should happen. But that should not exclude a spontaneous romp occasionally.

Best of luck
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Re: Where do we go from here?...

Postby reckoner » Sun Jul 23, 2017 10:24 pm

After 8 years, a house, a kid and a dog, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a couple that weren't experiencing loss of attraction and/or bad sex. It doesn't help that you have a much more sexual previous relationship to compare things to, and I think you have to do your best to stop doing that. On that score, perhaps it's a question of accepting that a highly sexed partner is more likely to be unfaithful so effectively you've chosen fidelity over lots of sex, which isn't a bad choice, I'd say. It's easier to improve sex than stop infidelity.

And while a brother/sister relationship doesn't make for good sex, it does show a closeness which shouldn't be undervalued. I think you need to throw everything at trying to make sex work before you consider throwing in the towel.

I think for any long term relation to work, you have to keep reinventing and rediscovering yourselves. I think one thing that might help is to take yourselves away for a weekend so you can just be a couple, rather than the parents, homeowners, dog owners etc. that you are on a day to day basis. Somewhere beautiful where you can dress for dinner, have drinks on a terrace, remember how you met, have a giggle. Maybe choose each other's outfits, something you'd love to see the other person in. Try taking the emphasis off full-baby-making sex, just mess around with each other in a candle lit bath or something so you can enjoy each other's company and physical presence, like you might in those early days, without the demands and expectations of 8 years together. Think of it as a beginning rather than a culmination.
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