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Does he just want to be friends? Strange signals..

PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 2:15 pm
by daisyww

A couple of months ago, I went on a camping holiday. We got chatting to the people in the camp next to us, and I met a guy. We clicked instantly, and although nothing happened, he asked for my number. Since then, we texted every single day, and he called a couple of times on his break at work. He lives in a different city, a few hours away, so we couldn't meet up right away. But we really had a connection - same sense of humour, same tastes. Our chat got a bit flirty/sexual sometimes and we spoke about what we'd get up to when we'd finally meet, but in general we spoke about our days and shared interests. I really started thinking it was the beginning of something.

This past weekend, I was in his city and we had our first date. It went perfectly. We laughed the whole time, had loads of fun, and we did sleep together. Which felt totally natural given that I felt like I had known him for ages and there was so much chemistry. It was great. Since then, we have been texting every day still, but there's a distinctly cooler vibe coming from him. It's like he's treating me as a friend - no more flirty talk, compliments, or speaking about the future, but still asking about my day and joking around. He was meant to be in my city this weekend for a friend's party, but the other day he texted to say that the location has changed so he isn't coming any more. I didn't know if it was a lie or a legitimate reason at the time, and since then I've become really paranoid. He has been working night shifts this week so has been texting less, and I understand that he's busy as he has a demanding job. Could it just be that he doesn't have flirty stuff on his mind? I've tried to inject a bit of flirty banter into my messages twice, and both time he has disregarded it and carried on the conversation.

I'm so confused and sad over it. Do you think he just wants to be friends? The chemistry and connection we had before the date was undeniable, and the sheer amount we spoke before meeting pointed to much more than sex. For reference, we are both 26.

Thank you so much x

Re: Does he just want to be friends? Strange signals..

PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 3:48 pm
by Tarantula

I don't want to be the voice of doom - least of all as a fellow 26yo - but from what you're saying, it does sound like he was interested in a bit of fun but nothing more. How long was it between swapping numbers and seeing him in his city? Were you in his city for another genuine reason or did he invite you to visit him?

My thoughts are, that when a man likes me enough, he won't want to wait around to meet again - for all he knows, I could have other options lined up. Texting all the time is nice, but could disguise a certain fantastical side to your relationship - where most of the interacting is done online, it leaves your mind free to fill in the blanks and make each other out to be whoever you want them to be; then when you meet, the real version could clash. In any case, it's easy to get along for the space of one date, but the fact of his changed behaviour says that he doesn't think it was as magical as you do. Otherwise he would be keeping up the contact, and not wanting you to slip away. Would you randomly cool off? No! Why not? Because you like him and want to progress the relationship! And you wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea.

Also if you've already slept together, then he really would be coming to your city to see you exclusively, rather than as a secondary reason, if he was interested in taking things further. He's made no plan to see you, so it's obvious to me that he meant it was a one-time thing.

Whether it would have gone differently if you hadn't slept with him is another subject; though in general my advice there would be, if in doubt, wait it out (and this coming from a wide range of experience :P ). No one ever said 'oh no, maybe I took too long to sleep with him and that's why he's lost interest'. Well, almost no one I guess. Like, I can't imagine it.

But your chances were limited from the start by the distance, too. So try not to take it too personally and enjoy it for what it was, and don't text back so often yourself.

Re: Does he just want to be friends? Strange signals..

PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:12 pm
by daisyww
Hi Tarantula,

Thank you so much for your reply!

We were texting/calling every day for around a month and a half before meeting. I was in his city anyway for a friend's birthday, so we pre-arranged that I would see him the night before. He's very much a 'mates before dates' kind of person, and I've always had the impression that he wouldn't sack his friends off for a girl. I admired it at first, but now I see that maybe it just means he isn't bothered at all.

He's such a catch that I'm sure he can get loads of girls every weekend, which is why maybe I have thought too much into it and thought I was somehow special. But you are right - I wouldn't cool off, and obviously would have liked to arrange another date.

Reading your reply, it all kind of makes sense now. I'm gutted but at least I can get out now with my dignity intact. I've been suspicious for a few days now that he isn't interested, thinking that surely after a good date he would be nicer and not cooler?! Whenever I have sent a bit of a 'dead-end' message, he pops up the next day, making conversation, asking what I'm up to. The ball is currently in my court, so I think I'll have a large glass of wine and not reply for a long time. Thank you very much once again xx

Re: Does he just want to be friends? Strange signals..

PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:45 pm
by Tarantula
You're welcome! And good idea. I feel like I've just confirmed what your gut was already telling you.

Yeah they do that sometimes - you accept defeat and then THEY start making an effort... but who are we kidding.. asking how someone'sday is over text is NOT making an effort. It's just doing the bare minimum necessary to keep you on the hook until it conveniences HIM to throw you a line.

It doesn't make him bad. It's just... how dating is sometimes.