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Has our relationship gone stale?

Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 10:11 pm
by TypeLife

So I've been with my boyfriend now for almost 4 years. We started dating when we were 20, he is my first serious relationship and I am his second. We have lived together for 2 years, one year at his family home and one year in our own flat.

Recently I've been feeling a little bored and I don't know if it is a short term feeling (I know relationships aren't going to be crazy exciting all the time!) or if we've gone as far as we can together. I need help working this out.

My boyfriend is a really lovely guy. He's kind, thoughtful, caring, loving... He never stops telling me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. This makes it even harder.

I'm definitely someone who makes rash decisions and I know that I need to be 100% sure about this decision because if I do decide to break up with him it will break his heart.

I try to think of reasons why I do love him, but I'm struggling. However I can think of many things that make me think that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him.

He is very codependent (I am not, I like to be free to do what I want. I'm pretty selfish. It's a flaw I'm aware of and trying to fix), he has a lot of habits that I find very very annoying, we actually have very few interests in common, I don't think I will ever feel comfortable around his family (I believe that they don't really like me and no matter how hard I try to change that, it doesn't seem to work. This is a big thing because we are both very family-oriented), when we go out together we don't really have a good time anymore, it feels like we're just going through the motions...

I think back to when we first met and were dating and why I liked him so much back then. But he's not that person anymore. Sometimes he is, but most of the time he is someone I don't really like. He is soft, a mummy's boy, awkward, emotional, weak - the complete opposite of who I remember liking at uni when we met. He seemed confident, quirky but comfortable in himself, which is why I was so attracted to him.

There isn't anything absolutely awful about the relationship that is making me think "I am SO unhappy, I have to get out of here right now!", everything is just mediocre, standard, mundane. Should I really end a very serious relationship and break a lovely person's heart just because I'm bored? How can I know whether this is just a temporary dip or if we've got everything out of this that we can?

Re: Has our relationship gone stale?

Posted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:25 am
by David020549
My youngest daughter had this sort of problem, her solution, went solo backpacking in Australia for 3 months, came back got pregnant, they now have 4 kids together.
That will give you plenty of time to think of reasons to stay together or otherwise

Re: Has our relationship gone stale?

Posted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:58 am
by Tarantula
This sounds similar to a problem I posted recently. But there are a few important differences.

If he's your first serious relationship, you'll probably always be wondering if you hedged your bets too soon. 20 is so young to meet the person you're gonna be with for the rest of your life, and if you have doubts now, how dyou think it'll be in five year's time?

On the other hand, if you think you won't find someone better (more compatible for YOU, not better in some kind of unwritten social standard sort of way), then perhaps you shouldn't wonder if the grass is greener.

I'm 26, and in my case, my bf isn't my first serious relationship and I've had some bad relationship experiences before which have taken their toll on my confidence and what I deep down think I deserve in a relationship. I would also say my bf is too soft and I am bored sometimes - but he's also the kindest person I've ever met, always supports me, is on my level intelligence/conversation-wise and has his life sorted out with career and stuff so no worries there.

If he was my first, we'd definitely break up I think, because if you haven't been 'out there', you won't be able to assess your relationship rationally and you'll never know what you might have been missing.

Another thing to think about: are you putting too much expectation on your relationship to be the sole provider of excitement in your life? How is everything else going?

Re: Has our relationship gone stale?

Posted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 8:00 am
by Tarantula
PS - my first serious relationship was my met-at-uni partner - we broke up after three years, and living together, for pretty much the same things you describe. On the day I finally did it, I felt nothing but relief and motivation to go forth and live my life without all the boredom/arguments.