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Trust issues

PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 4:38 pm
by Judy789
Hi. I'm really struggling with my current relationship. I'll give you a little history first. I was with my ex husband 28 years. It was an emotionally abusive marriage that ended 4 years ago. I dated a guy for 4 months last year and ended it when I found out he was seeing someone else. I've been with my current partner 9 months. His history is a little chequered he dated a married woman for 7 years. He told me she broke his heart. I'm really struggling to trust him and no longer know if I'm being crazy or indeed justified in my fears. Firstly I felt uncomfortable with his use of mobile phone. He started putting it on silent, face down. One weekend I just felt he was acting suspiciously with his phone so I told him as much. 10 days later I discovered that he still had his ex as a friend on Facebook. Not too bothered by that but I would have liked him to tell me rather than me find out. She tagged him into something, it didn't show on his wall but did show on other people's which is how I found out. I asked him about it and he's deleted her as a friend. Turned out she tagged him the same weekend that id felt he was being suspicious with his phone. Could be coincidence I'm not sure. I'm ashamed to say I then became paranoid and started acting out of character, I snooped in his wallet and found a condom. I did wonder if it was just in there from when we still used one. Trouble is I let doubt get the better of me so I marked the packet and put it back. I decided to calm myself down and forget about it. A few weeks later it got the better of me and I checked. It was still there but now I felt really bad and fessed up. His response was that like a Boy Scout you should always be prepared and that condoms can be used for lots of things other than sex. I told him I was not happy with that explanation and he threw it away. He's now bought a new phone but at his house the other day I could hear a phone vibrating in another room when his new one was on the table in the living room. I'm so confused by all of this as in every other way he is the perfect partner. I'm kind of blaming myself for the lack of trust due to the problems with my past. Not sure if I'm burying my head or he really is untrustworthy. Help me sort this with your views please.

Re: Trust issues

PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 11:51 pm
by reckoner
I'm racking my brains to think of all the other things a condom can be used for apart from sex. It's a short list, frankly, and doesn't include things I'd ordinarily make sure I'm prepared for when I leave the house, even if I'm no Boy Scout. I think you're very right to throw out that explanation.

What it comes down to for me is that if there were nothing to hide, he wouldn't have needed to replace his phone, never mind have another one vibrating in the background. And he may be being "the perfect partner in every other way" to compensate for some secret dodginess.

Despite the inevitable trust issues you feel as a result of your past, I'm afraid I have to agree from the information presented here that the situation seems rather smelly.

Re: Trust issues

PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 7:07 am
by David020549
You're partner is a philanderer, and not a very smart one either, he is not covering his activity at all. He is probably "chatting up" several women but as he is still in contact with his married ex he is likely still meeting her. If they had really finished all contact would have stopped, then there would be no temptation to meet up again.
That's the way he is and probably will not change, disappointing for you, don't blame yourself at all, you were attracted to his charm in the same way that other women are.
My sympathy

Re: Trust issues

PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 4:38 pm
by Judy789
Thank you both. I was more concerned over my own behaviour and the acute paranoia I was feeling over the whole situation. It's good to know that it's not me who is being over sensitive ultimately. Deep down I knew what the replies would say, I'm not that stupid, relationships can be very difficult to navigate and it's all too easy to question yourself when it happens several times. Comforting to know that my gut reaction is working just fine. Obviously there were other issues too that I didn't put in my initial explanation like lots of little white lies. I'm saying goodbye to him tonight and walking away with my head held high, even though I'll have left a little of my dignity behind.