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Is is ok to joke around & laugh with male collegues ???

PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 3:00 pm
I had an incident today and was just looking for opinions......

I was talking to a guy in stores about retrieving and invoice from a parcel in order to change it. We were having a laugh ad he was moaning about how I was making him do too much work and I just shouted (without thinking) JUST GET IT OUT !!! The whole place just started laughing, yeah I felt slightly embarrassed but I am really close to the guys in work and they treat me as one of them or like a little sister.

I then proceeded to tell my partner to cheer him up because I thought it was hysterical. He did not see the funny side of it.... I got how embarrassing, your a lady (you shouldn't act like that), they wont have any respect for you etc etc. It went on quit a bit. Complaining that I wasn't "taking his feelings about it" into consideration !!!! eh??? is it just me or should this just concern my feelings??? I got very long winded txts about it to the point I was shaking with anger and just said I am not talking about this any longer. He also saying that I am giving them ammunition to say things behind my back. I know what guys can be like, I'm not totally naïve but these guys have known me a shed load longer than my partner and helped me through everything when I lost dad. They look after me because I am the "wee yin" in the place. Believe me if someone said something out of order to me I would tell them where to go.

To me this is just banter. It has always been this way in my place of work. (not just with me) Yeah I am closer to them than the other girls but just because they can be right moody and 2 faced. I just like to have a laugh.

I think my partner is waaaayyyyy out of order but the way he was reacting made me want to double check a little. I asked the guys and they did stick up for me.

Ps the guys is like 60 odds and my partner knows this. wtf!!!! Yeah I can open my mouth without thinking but come on.... surely he is taking it too far??

Honest opinions please!

Re: Is is ok to joke around & laugh with male collegues ???

PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 9:52 pm
by reckoner
The short answer is, yes, obviously it's fine to joke around with male colleagues. That said, not a single one of my partners past or present has ever been keen on stories of me laughing and joking with other members of the same sex as them, particularly if innuendo is involved. Logic kind of goes out the window so it doesn't matter if they're old age pensioners or painted green.

Given your other posts, I'm a little surprised you thought this story would cheer your partner up, I'd say that was an error of judgment. It's not about lying or hiding stuff, I think you're entitled to a private life, just be realistic that a story about a laugh you had at work with opposite sex colleagues is never going to be as funny to your partner as it was to you, whoever they are.

That said, this is another example of controlling behaviour and I think you know that.

Re: Is is ok to joke around & laugh with male collegues ???

PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 10:36 pm
by Mrconfused74
I agree with reckoner, if you enjoy it there's nothing wrong in it, providing it is just banter, once it crosses that line, that's when you need to watch out. As for telling your partner?? I can't see that this would cheer him up, and as already said if you don't say anything you're not lying because you're just joking with the guys from work. It happens in all work places and makes the day a bit more enjoyable. In the past I worked with a number of women and would joke with them all, one more so than others, to the extent that it caused problems for her at home, so I stepped back, but eventual I left. I still do it now, but did I ever go home and tell my partner what I did it said? No, all that will happen is that your partner will now make comments about what you did or said at work at it will eat at you. If he is controlling he will likely use this.

Re: Is is ok to joke around & laugh with male collegues ???

PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2017 5:00 pm
by David020549
I think quite a few of us have made a faux pas like that, it wasnt deliberate but brought the house down and I am sure was very embarrassing, that should be the end of it as long as your mate don't keep teasing about it. As you don't have a great relationship with your boyfriend telling him was a bad idea, you just gave him ammunition to taunt you with.

As for banter with workmates, it's OK as long as it's not sexual, giving the wrong ideas to some of the more "impressionable" guys will cause you a lot of hassle, so put that down quickly .

Re: Is is ok to joke around & laugh with male collegues ???

PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2017 8:24 pm
by Country Joe
You've done nothing wrong other than telling your insecure boyfriend! A joke about sexual banter won't go down well with him...especially if it refers to another bloke 'getting it out'! As David says just be mindful about what you banter with some guys and clearly the same what you tell your boyfriend!

Re: Is is ok to joke around & laugh with male collegues ???

PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2017 8:18 am
Thank you guys

I really appreciate your replies. I really did want this from a male perspective.

I did actually apologise for the way I went about it on Friday night. When sitting thinking about I really should have kept it to myself.

He thinks that I am stubborn and can never admit when I'm wrong but I do feel like s*** right now . (Actually crying in work right now) Just made me feel horrible like I was some kind of hussy or something, like I was asking for it. I ask for other opinions all the time to see it from his side but he doesn't like that so I'm goosed. He doesn't get that sometimes and outside perspective does help sometimes.

I totally get that I shouldn't have shared this now. It was totally innocent and did seem really funny at the time. The thing is iv always been around this sort of thing because I have always been in the construction industry so yeah its been mostly males I have worked with and dealt with so you kind of expect it. I guess I just took this as normal. I have always got on with guys way more than girls so to me it is just banter but when I went home on Friday night I got hell. And I mean hell. Apparently "everyone" in my work will be thinking of me sexually now and would have already because "every guy does it" but I have made it ten times worse by doing this. I mean I got "they will be going home to their wives and thinking about you" etc etc (some graphic stuff) He says every guy will be nice to your face but as soon as you leave there will be loads of sexual comments and got really angry at me because I said I don't think they would be like that. I get that guys can be rude n stuff but I am just not judging them (he said he is very rare in the way he is) He was shouting in my face that I'm really stupid and thick that I cant see it. I did calmly get up to leave and he changed immediately (yeah maybe I deserved It this time but by god I'm so fed up of getting this) he did however go on to say that he doesn't have an issue with me telling him, its just how I worded it. If I had said something like "omg I make a right fool of myself today" or something along those lines then it would be better?? Maybe he felt like I was loving it or something, that I liked how they were thinking?? That is deffo not true. I don't get a kick out of it, definitely not. I AM NOT THAT PERSON!!!!! I'm really not and it kills me to think that ppl would think that of me.

Maybe I am just super naïve. Or maybe I do need to grow up. I will deffo think before I speak (I know I don't sometimes) In fact I am kind of known for that, that is normally one of the wee quirks that people like about me. It makes me non intentionally funny if that makes sense. But yeah maybe it can be dangerous too.

I know its a crappy attitude but maybe I just didn't think or care because of how things are.

I really need to re think a lot of stuff.

Thank again. I really needed this.

Re: Is is ok to joke around & laugh with male collegues ???

PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2017 11:16 am
by reckoner
Just to be clear: your partner freaking out about the funny work story was to be expected, but that doesn't mean you deserve to be treated like that. Sure, all couples row but a normal, 'healthy' row shouldn't involve putting you down and calling you stupid. His strategy seems very clearly to be to undermine your confidence so that you'll think yourself lucky you've got someone who will tolerate you and make you afraid to leave (and I think he's using your psoriasis to this end as well, by the way). Does that sound like love to you? Yet it's proving a very effective strategy.

I too have worked as a woman in an industry where women are the rarer gender and, yes, it takes a certain personality to fit in well in that environment, as you are, and entirely agree with you that banter is part and parcel of making it work. You know your industry, you know your colleagues and I have no doubt you know where the line is even if it's a bit blurrier than it would be if you weren't an unusual female in that environment. But that's a level of independence that I'm sure your partner would love to break down given half a chance, and that chance is what the story gave him.

Every time you write a post with lots of question marks in it, it seems you already know the answer so the advice from me is the same as before; you need to leave this poisonous relationship. He is judging you constantly and you are not only allowing yourself to be judged, but vulnerable to believing the judgment yourself. There is a big difference between knowing when your work stories are not as entertaining to your partner as they are to you and facing a diatribe attacking your personality because of it.

It's telling that he changed his tactics when you tried to leave the situation. That shows the power you retain in this situation. He will bully you only for as long as it works. Don't be bullied (and please leave him!).

How did your weekend with your mother go? Did you tell her what's been going on?

Re: Is is ok to joke around & laugh with male collegues ???

PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2017 12:21 pm

yeah I know I messed up big time. I really just didn't think. The thing is I have told him about silly things I have said in the past and he has laughed. Also I have been with him and his friends before and they have had a laugh but that's ok. We were at a wedding once and It was the first time for me meeting them and the groom was dancing with me and was getting "close" and made me feel uncomfortable but this was ok because "he's just like that" I have learned my lesson though.

Yeah I totally agree, in an almost all male environment you have to adapt and well have thick skin. I would like to think I know my colleagues better than he does and I don't agree with what he said.... that all men think sexually about all women WTF!!! And that they will be going home thinking about us while doing stuff with their partners or own their own. I am deffo not tarring all men with the same brush, that's idiotic. He did say that "he was rare in the fact that he doesn't join in any of this" He must be hell of a rare person if ALL men are the same except him!!!

OMG I know.... I know what I need to do. I just struggle. I think about how I would do it all the time. Its just the guilt and lack of confidence that keeps me. I was going on Friday, not just because of that argument obviously. I wasn't taking that but then I guess I did as I didn't leave when he changed. I actually really don't like myself because I cant seem to do anything about this. ](*,) I try do think what would dad do... he would kick my backside, that's what he would do.

The questions that I know the answers to already is because I have that little confidence that I feel I need confirmation to convince myself i'm doing the right thing. (sad I know)

I know I am probably getting on people's nerves not doing anything about when I feel so rubbish. That then makes me feel more rubbish. I honestly don't feel like me anymore.

The weekend with mum was very pleasant actually. Very surprising. I mean for us all. We all spent the weekend together and were at the cinema out for lunch etc. It did feel "normal" (yeah bad day when you are surprised when you have a nice weekend together) I KNOW!!!! :( But to your answer no.... I didn't get her alone. I really did think mum would know something wasn't quite right but she txt me on Saturday saying she was going to paint my room so im guessing not so much. Am I getting so good at pretending to be someone im not that I am actually becoming this person??? This scares me.


Getting really angry at myself.

Re: Is is ok to joke around & laugh with male collegues ???

PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2017 2:31 pm
by snail
SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:I know I am probably getting on people's nerves not doing anything about when I feel so rubbish.

You'll be ready when you're ready. Don't beat yourself up - there's enough stress in your life already. As far as this forum goes, you can take the next ten years to leave if you want and we won't mind. (Although we'd be sad to see you in an unhappy situation for that long, obviously).

Here's something to make you smile - my partner is the opposite to you; he's a male in an almost all-female industry. The other day he was having trouble moving his car, so he put his head round the office door and said to one of the women, "Becky, do you mind if I use your back entrance?". Whereupon everyone burst out laughing and he wanted the ground to swallow him up :lol:

Re: Is is ok to joke around & laugh with male collegues ???

PostPosted: Tue Jul 11, 2017 8:02 am
Thank you so much snail. That really does mean a lot and makes me feel that bit better. It really is like an escape.

I know. I don't want to be this unhappy for much longer but I just cant seem to break away which in turn gets me more angry at myself and I really don't like myself right now :(

That did make me giggle.... that's exactly like what I done, I just made an innocent comment about an invoice but as I said it I realised and couldn't stop. I must admit his does sound a bit more rude than mine, poor guy.

Re: Is is ok to joke around & laugh with male collegues ???

PostPosted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 7:37 am
by David020549
Hi there are a lot of problems with women working in a mainly male working environment and most women choose not to, those that do successfully are very confident and skilled, so that men have to compete to keep up. We see this at school level where girls generally achieve higher results than boys, in the workplace the same applies.

Mix male and female workers and sex will be an issue, many men and some women will see the opposite sex as an object of desire. A slim attractive woman who dresses nicely will have men noticing her tight jeans or boobs, they will ogle you and the " locker room" chat is " I fancy some of that", it ends there with 95% of men. A small number will fantasize about you later, it could be the boss or the tea boy you will never know. It happens in the opposite way, the secretary coming on to the boss is classic, men are very susceptible.

Don't be too "familiar" with your workmates, friendly, yes, but out down any inappropriate comments firmly.