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IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 9:57 am
Hi guys,

I know I have already posted about myself and how I have been feeling recently but I really want to go back and start from the beginning and be 100% honest. Talking previously has helped me and I really do think a lot of my issues are coming from my relationship but I cannot figure out whether I am in the right or wrong on this. Myself and my partner are having countless arguments which is getting really tiring and I do tend to find myself apologising a lot of the time when I really do feel I have done nothing wrong or I don't see "how much of a big deal it is" I know I might be repeating quite a bit but I really need unbiased opinions. Here goes.....

I am 29 (30 in January) and my partner is 38 (39 in October). He has 3 boys and a dog. I lost my dad 2 years ago past in April. Split up with my 8 year bf in the June (It had been fizzling out for some time and only then did I realise life was too short and found the strength to end it). I spent literally 24/7 with my mum from April all through that year. I was the strong one for my mums sake. We done everything together.

In between then myself and a colleague at work had got well "close" He helped me through my dad dying and was such a rock. I honestly don't know how would have coped if not for hm. Nothing ever actually happened btw. We were such good friends though. Until I decided one day to go on "tinder". Not for the one night hook ups that everyone uses it for. (Never had a one night stand in my life) But to cut a long story short he must have felt more than I thought and decided to stop talking to me and sent me messages saying how hurt he was etc but I honestly never had a clue. We have only recently started talking. I am just glad I have my friend back but I am gutted we haven't actually sat down and spoke about it. I felt horrific. I was honestly just having a nosy to see what its all about. I was never expecting to meet anyone. Well I did.... my now partner.

We hit it off straight away (although I did feel he was coming on a bit strong from the start) We were still just talking on tinder and he was saying things like "id top up my data every day to talk to you" (Hold on... you've never met me) He was really sweet but I knew I could have been venerable at the time and I did tell him everything about my dad etc and how I would have to take things really slow. He told me he had stopped talking to everyone else ( I then told him don't put all your eggs in the one basket sort of thing) We hadn't even txt yet. I then added him to Facebook and eventually gave my phone number. He was super pleased. We did speak "all the time" He was really nice and sweet and we spoke for hours on the phone. I told my mum and she did seem pleased for me. We had an amazing first date (although he was quite forward) Sitting on couches/seats in pubs and expecting me to sit between his legs (facing forwards) I had never done this with anyone else never mind someone I had just met. He then asked me to go over the next day which was such a big deal for me... I told him nothing is going to happen "I am not like that" I think I knew deep down I shouldn't have but I went (felt little bit of pressure and yeah got carried away) Mum then fell out with me because she was like this isn't you.... why are you doing this etc. I felt awful. We did eventually make up and everything started going amazing. They got on and we all spent time together. Oh I forgot to tell you he had told me he loved me before we even met . I was like omg but again you do get swept away by all the nice things. I had been talking to the kids before meeting ie txt etc and my partner really wanted us to meet. For me personally it was too early (april) But he again reassured me that It was enough time and that It was the right thing to do. We all hit it off amazingly.

Fast forward a few months he ends up getting a new flat and asks me to move in (I wasn't sure but it felt like the right thing to do) and I knew he loved me. Maybe I should have knew something was off though.... there wasn't actually a formal "move" Half my stuff is still at my mums and nothing was posted on fb etc ( I post a lot) Felt like I was in a bubble. (Oh and this is the first time I would have moved out... ever) REALLY BIG DEAL FOR ME!!! But he reassured me it would be ok. That this is what's best for us, for us to move forward etc. Things were going really well. Started decorating and stuff (had to start from scratch) I did buy everything even though he was working at the time but his shifts could change each week and I had saved up a lot of money so thought I should b helping out. After all he loves me so much right???? Tells me "all" the time.... your my world, my everything, all we need is each other. Playfully says don't go to work today (stay with me). He would pretend to be sad or even pretend to cry when I was leaving to go anywhere. This is all well and good but when you hear it constant it does start to have an impact on you (you may disagree and think I'm being harsh) It did make me start to feel slightly guilty for leaving him. I already had a few nights out planned with family etc before we met so that was no issue.

One day last year my friend and I were talking about meeting up because well I hadn't seen anyone really since meeting my partner and I was really missing them. Yeah I did ask but then immediately felt guilty afterwards. Yeah It took me a while to say to my partner and I said she asked me (I really felt like I was doing something wrong, wanting to spend time with someone else when "I have my own family now) Maybe I should just have manned up but I really couldn't help how it made me feel. (Sometimes we do tell white lies to shield peoples feelings) ??? Pls pls correct me if I'm wrong.!!! I need opinions.

Anyway we were away one night away and I went in for a shower and came out and he had been through my phone and just went ballistic because of that. OMG it was just mad. It felt so degrading and yeah it made me angry but maybe I deserved it????? Pls answer truthfully. So yeah after that I really did start to feel horrific for wanting to see ppl and I really didn't want to go through that again.

Fast forward to December and my partner lost his job. At first It was ok. Wele get through it we thought. I paid for all the xmas stuff, presents, dinner, everything. I REALLY DIDNT MIND. But I did end up spending all my savings and am now living month to month... I have never done that before and yeah I get angry. I want to stuff. I want to plan my 30th, I want to go meet my friends, my family but he thinks its wasting money and that's its not fair if I am out with them and not him. I do sort of get that but I still don't understand why I shouldn't see my family & friends??? He doesn't feel the need to see his so I don't think he gets it. He thinks quality time with my mum is her staying with us and doesn't think I need to do it with us the two of us.

Fast forward again. A lot of arguments are occurring. He now constantly checks up on me, asks me hundreds of questions and goes through my phone. This does get me angry because I have nothing to hide. Any nights out I have to basically give him a running itinerary of what I am doing "so he knows I am safe" I totally get txting when your coming home but not all through the night. He says he doesn't expect to talk through my night but argues about it if I don't. I went to a gig with my mum the other week and when I got home all he done was shout aggressively about how horrific the guy was and how much he hates him and that is idiotic and immature of me to idolise any other man but him ???? To me this is crazy talk !!! Just totally ruined the night. Things are just getting worse. I am scared to say anything but this now makes me deceitful and a horrible person. That hurts because I am not that person. He says I am killing him and the boys that I am breaking the family up. I don't care about anyone ele but myself. That is so not true. I have broke my heart many times the past few months about all this. I really do struggle to function. I try to tell him how I feel but if he thinks im wrong he just says its BS and wrong. Which then makes me feel like I shouldn't have an opinion. :( :( I feel trapped. For fathers day I ended up getting rubbish because I didn't celebrate him, I didn't declare how much of an amazing dad he is on fb or make his dinner ??? No your not my dad.... my dad is dead so im finding it hard today. I did make sure he got out with the boys for a while. I honestly my best but just don't feel like its good enough half the time. I cry all the time.

There is so much more to this story but I just cant write it all. So much more. Last night I got it again because I didn't tell him that minute that my friend wanted to have dinner before she goes away to work. She only asked me yesterday and I didn't even get the chance to before he jumped down my throat because he seen I was online so I must have been talking to hundreds of ppl. He watched constantly and tells me im talking to other ppl but im not and I have showed him and tells me im deleting stuff. Its just doing my head in. He was standing shouting and pointing in my face telling me im a deceitful horrible person. Im at my wits end.

I thank anyone who has taken the time to read this as I really am so confused. I do try think of it from his point of view but I am fed up just going along with stuff to keep the peace. Its eating me up inside. Please please tell me if iv brought this on myself. Am I wrong ???????? Last night I got if your gone I wont be here and who ill be there for my boys... that's emotional blackmail ????? OR whatever the correct word is to us. Your breaking us. Have I turned into a horrible person???

Help x

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 12:09 pm
by snail
I've read all your posts on this subject, not just this last one. GET OUT NOW. He's incredibly controlling and has subjected you to manipulation and emotional abuse from the beginning. No matter what you do, you won't ever please him (not long term) and the more you try the more he'll wear you down and make you out to be in the wrong. Don't worry about him, or the boys - you aren't responsible for him (he's a grown man) nor his boys (he is). GET OUT NOW. If possible, do it secretly - he could turn very nasty. Get a friend (or your mum if she's up to it) to help you move your stuff while he's out.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 12:25 pm
Thank you so much snail for taking the time out to read my posts (such a confused girl just now) Its really not me is it??? He just always turns it around and makes it out to by fault then gets angry if I don't apologise!!! Proper got me doubting myself. I just had to get a second opinion because he is so adamant that he is the one in the right and that its all my fault :(

Thank you again

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 12:36 pm
by snail
It's not you. Re-read Tarantula's post on your other thread - I'm afraid she's right. He homed in on you because you were vulnerable. People like him need to have someone to bully and control, in order to feel OK about themselves. (Benefiting in other, more practical ways, such as financially or sexually, also plays a part). If it helps, I've been there too - many of us have. You can't win - no matter what you do. You do have to leave. But I would do it secretly - there's no point talking to him, as nothing beneficial will come from that, and in the worst case scenario he will either persuade you to stay and the cycle starts again, or even turn violent.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 12:48 pm
Thank you, I think I know what I need to do but I need to get the guts to go ahead and do it. The guilt I feel just keeps me there, especially towards the boys. I do love them loads but I am not happy and cant see a way out right now. Its like all the walls are closing in on me. Its making me feel like I am a horrible person. I know I'm not me right now and people can see it. You have been there???? What did u do ??? Yeah I think I would rather do it secretly but that feels so underhand but I don't know what choice I have.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 1:39 pm
I have just never experienced anything like this before. I have lead a pretty boring life until the past couple of years. I really was starting think It was all me because I had jumped in too soon. Was I acting like because I wasn't happy?? But I really do feel he has a big part to play. Iv went over things over and over in my head and they just don't make sense to me. He says I act psychotic :O I have tried and tried to see things from his perspective but I just cant. I even asked guys in work their opinion on something to see if it was just me but that just got me more BS. :( He should be the only person I tell everything to. I shouldn't discuss our issues with anyone else. Sorry for waffling again, my head is spinning all the time.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 2:01 pm
by snail
SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote: He should be the only person I tell everything to. I shouldn't discuss our issues with anyone else.
Well of course he would say that - he wouldn't want you getting any outside support or advice. They don't want anyone else to know what's going on. Again, that's classic I'm afraid.
SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:You have been there???? What did u do ???
I got out in the end, because I felt nothing could be worse than the situation I was in - I couldn't feel less happy no matter what. I was desperate. I just knew I had to go and I stuck to that knowledge blindly, no matter what he said. I arranged alternative accommodation and I had my mum come pick me up. But I wasted three precious years, and thousands and thousands of pounds (those sort of people see your money as theirs, and your labour as there to support them - everything you do should be about them).

One of my main thoughts even at the time was how he would do it again, and I so wished I could protect the next girl, but I couldn't of course because I didn't know who it would be. About a year or eighteen months after I left, someone managed with some detective work to track me down on Facebook - it was his current girlfriend. She said she needed to know if "it was just her" :-| He kept telling her she must have depression/psychosis - he and the relationship was perfect so if she thought they weren't she must be mentally ill.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 2:12 pm
wow!!! That sounds like I could be writing that. I'm so glad you did. Well done. I know I need to. Its just the thought of going through it all. 3 years is a lot and yeah I'm the same with the money. He did actually say last night "our" money and I thought hold on a minute.... that's my money. Surely I have the right to spend my money on what I want (to an extent) But I was too scared to say anything. I just wanted the arguing to stop. To stop feeling like that. Yeah he always says we are a family now, that's all that matters. It always comes first. Yeah family does but it doesn't mean I forget my own family. And yeah he tells me I am psychotic and "no right in the heed" sorry Scottish slang. Again keeps saying I am the one breaking the family up with my lies & deceitfulness :O Just because I don't tell him every single details of things. I know I really don't like myself right now :( a leopard really doesn't change its spots then ??? Its just so difficult to comprehend, I honestly thought he was different. You just don't know.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 2:50 pm
Do people that do this hide it to begin with??? I just don't understand how I couldn't c it before ???

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 7:38 pm
by Tarantula
You know what you need to do.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 8:07 pm
by reckoner
I can imagine you didn't see it before because you wanted to believe he was loving and genuinely wanted the best for you. I think it's generally automatic to believe what someone says but you were vulnerable enough to question yourself rather than him whenever you realised things weren't right.

Your post rang alarm bells from start to finish, so it's clear to me that you already know for yourself what's right and what's wrong here; he didn't hide it - you wouldn't/couldn't see it. But you do now, it has all been laid out for you by the other posters. Don't waste anymore of your life in this situation.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Fri Jun 23, 2017 8:11 am
Thank you tarantula and reckoner. I really do think I know what I need to do, I just find it so bloomin difficult to do it. Everytime I go to say it I just freeze, its like I just lose the ability to talk. I talk to my dad and ask him to give me strength (yeah like that's going to help) I need to grow a back bone, I know im sacrificing my happiness for his and the boys. Last night was so different, no shouting, just talking, it was like I was talking to a different person. So very dam confusing!!!! He did say that he is not angry at me going out but it does hurt him because "we" don't go out but he's not been working, surely I can spend my money on me?? (Or is that selfish?) Maybe im just that done that I just cant be bothered organising anything with him anymore, I get more "fun" or enjoyment from others. I really think the damage has been done and we obviously want different lifestyles. I don't know exactly when it happened but everything is just different now. Maybe iv changed too. But yeah maybe I was just totally blinded by it all at the beginning. I have never dealt with anything like this before. I have now put a small bag of clothes in my car now "just encase". I wanted to know how that would feel. It certainly didn't feel wrong.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Fri Jun 23, 2017 9:46 pm
by highlandcow
Ah pet, I've just caught up with you here.

The others are right, you know what you need to do. It wil be so HARD but imagine how good it will eventually feel to be free of him. To be able to spend your money how you want, to be able to see your friends and family and be allowed to grieve for your Dad in the way that you need to.

He will, I imagine, say all sorts in order to get you to stay, but stay strong. You deserve so much better than this half-life you're living right now, scared to put a foot wrong. Is there anywhere you can stay for a while where he can't find you? I think it's important to have some distance from him when you do go.

Please, please take it from us that there is nothing wrong with you.

Please keep us updated Thinking of you.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Fri Jun 23, 2017 9:57 pm
by highlandcow
SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:Do people that do this hide it to begin with??? I just don't understand how I couldn't c it before ???
I couldn't see this in my ex at first either. He was lovely at first, but over time he became more and more controlling (even logging into my PP account to see what I'd been writing about him!) Everyone could see that he was becoming controlling and abusive but I couldn't see it. By the time our relationship ended he'd worn my down to feel so low about myself, that when HE ended the relationship I was heartbroken because he made me believe that I'd never find anyone else. When I met my husband he said I was like a rabbit in the headlights (even once shouting 'please don't hurt me!' when I directed him down the wrong road when he was driving - it's just the sort of thing that would have landed me in a lot of trouble with my ex!) I had forgotten what a real, equal relationship was like.

But the important thing is that now you can see it. And you need to act now.

Stay strong! We're all here for you.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:58 am
Hi Highland cow

Thank you so much for your feedback.

I just really don't know how to do it. I know in my gut its just "not right" I know I don't belong there but he has such polar opposite views on it. It was his sons birthday at the weekend so I wasn't going to cause anything then but omg he couldn't be any nicer. Saying sorry all the time for all the bad stuff that's happened. Saying how much he loves me and loves me more than he has anyone. Talking about how much life is going to be amazing. How weak am I that I cant even say at that time NO?? This isn't right. I want to be strong. He has said all weekend about me being an amazing "step mum" I went to the boys karate grading myself yesterday as he was working and its just made him think so much more of me. I just felt I had to because they asked me to. I just keep doing stuff to please everyone else. I feel so guilty that I cant even say. I know that's not fair on him!! I just don't feel like me anymore :( It just really confuses me. I'm so sorry to hear about your past relationship. I do understand that others can see what you cant. You get so wrapped up on your own little bubble. I am so glad you got out of there. I wish I had the strength. I honestly really don't like myself right now :( Im scared im becoming a person im actually not. I know he thinks Im being mad but I know my dad does have a lot to do with it. He asked about him yesterday and I just wanted to cry so much. I talk to him all the time, asking for guidance. If my dad was here I would know everything would be ok. I mean iv got to the stage im actually being straight with 2 of the girls in work about my bf, I think that means something. I don't even know if im making sense anymore.....

Its just weird because he does say he is really grateful for all my help because I have challenged him about and says we will get back to normal and he will be treating me etc which in turn messes with my head and I think is it me who has the problem and that I am being selfish ??? Maybe the damage is just done now???


Its just so messed up, I really don't want to hurt anybody. It will just crush him. Says he will have nothing if he doesn't have me.
I feel so embarrassed as well, that I cant just do it. And for putting up with it and now that ppl know they are telling me "you need to get out" etc. Feel so weak for not going.
We do have a few things planned this year and the boys are going to be heartbroken they don't get to go, I arranged them too.... I just wanted to make them happy.

I know it might sound mad but I do keep thinking in the back of my mind.... what if it is me ?? What if im just not capable of love or I have so many issues since losing my dad that im just going to sabotage anything good in my life???? I feel like im losing direction in life, I just don't know what im doing or where im going . OMG I just wanna run away and hide for a while. Don't tell anyone where I am. Sort my head out.