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Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 7:34 pm
by snail
SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:Omg he couldn't be any nicer. Saying sorry all the time for all the bad stuff that's happened. Saying how much he loves me and loves me more than he has anyone. Talking about how much life is going to be amazing... He has said all weekend about me being an amazing "step mum"...

He has clearly picked up on the vibes that you've had enough, so is being nicer to you while also upping the emotional pressure.

SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:Says he will have nothing if he doesn't have me... IT JUST PAINS ME SO MUCH TO KNOW HOW MUCH I WILL BREAKING SOMEONE IF I LEAVE!!!!

I really don't think you will. People don't behave like he does because they really love the other person. It might interest you to read this thread by another poster on here, who left an abusive relationship:
Her partner was with someone else in the blink of an eye (as was mine, by the way), once he knew there was no more mileage to be got out of her.

There should be enough info in that thread for you to pick up the basics, but if you click on the poster's name you can see the other threads she started, covering the relationship from the beginning.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2017 8:18 am
Thank you snail

I know you will all probably be thinking im wasting your time talking and that im never going to do anything about it. I just need help, I need guidance. I feel totally helpless and trapped right now :(
I really do have an issue saying no to people. I have always been the same. I find it so difficult. I don't know if its a self esteem issue. I have never been a confident person. I always thought being confident was wrong (like bragging etc) I know that might sound a bit crazy. I mean if a really nice looking guy would have come up to me in a pub I would just laugh and think he is messing with me. And yeah right now my self esteem is so effing low..... I have put so much weight on *my partner makes me the same size portions as him* even though I ask him not to. I wanted to join slimming world but he says he's not making 2 dinners (he always makes dinner) and yeah he does loads round the house but he didn't have a job since before xmas. I do chip in when I can. (Although he does say he enjoys and loves looking after me but last night said something (jokingly) about me not saying thank you for him doing that after work last night). This is going to sound so crazy/mental but I will put off making dinner etc because I always feel like im going to do it all wrong, that's how low my confidence is at the minute. And with my psoriasis flaring up big time it doesn't help (yeah it is my fault I don't put my cream on every night) but omg It does my head in having to rely on creams every night, I need to wrap myself up in bloomin cling film lol. Yeah I know there are millions of ppl a lot worse off than me but it really gets to me. He will say to me remember and put your cream on but I find it really hard to be motivated right now. I will put it off because I always feel he is expecting some well "us time" and by the time that's happened im way too tired :( Sorry I know im waffling now. I just cant go through the gritty details with ppl I know, I get so embarrassed.

The guilt is really starting to kill me now.... we sat down and he said he wouldn't go through my phone anymore etc as long as I speak to him about stuff.... I did agree but I still find myself struggling to stick to that... my mum wants to take me on holiday for my 30th in January but I know he wont be happy so I haven't said anything and I have even told my mum not to :O what is wrong with me!!!!! I haven't told my mum why but she will be wondering. I have even made up a new email to join this group as he would flip that I was sharing my thoughts and feelings with anyone other than him and yeah I so feel I need to myself. He says love you constantly and I just cant always say it back. I feel a huge sense of dread and guilt when and If I do. ](*,)

I still feel so awkward and uncomfortable around my phone, even though I have nothing to hide (the tiniest thing just gets to him) and I really cant be bothered going through all of that again and again. By doing this, its making me look so guilty (I get that) but I don't want to pick it up because I know he's looking over my shoulder anyway and asks me who it is,, what were talking about etc. He still asks who I talk to through the day (even though he aint checking anything) He thinks because he isn't physically doing it then its ok. I just feel on edge on all the time and he must notice.

I know I sound like I need to be checked in somewhere. My head is just like mush right now.

I mean he knows something isn't right and does keep asking me but I just cant get the words out !!! What the eff is wrong with me ???? Im getting so angry at myself.

I know its sad but to think he doesn't actually love me does kind of hurt but on the other hand if its correct then it should make it easier for me. I don't even know if that makes sense.

I will have a read thanx. Saying that I know there wasn't a lot of time between me and his ex and also between his ex and his "ex wife" He had a very small relationship before me but says it was the biggest mistake ever. It made me think at the beginning because I was worried about being single for 8 months before hand but obviously I had a busy/emotional year after dad died.

Thanx again. I do really appreciate everyone's perspective. I really need it right now. Talking is saving me from just exploding right now.

I know people are going to get angry with me after I tell them how things are and don't do anything about it... I really don't wanna be like that.


Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2017 4:55 pm
by Tarantula
The only person you need to apologise to is yourself. She's the one who's suffering, not us.

Remember the other week when you hoped it was all going to be different?

It is NOT going to get better, it will ONLY get worse. EXCEPT for brief times when he will lay on the pretence and tell you he can change, just long enough to get you BACK IN THE GAME.

This person you're with is highly maladaptive and has serious issues. He knows he can treat you like mud and you'll still stay. He is wasting your time and your life. You have to get out.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2017 10:39 pm
by reckoner
Firstly, for your psoriasis, though I can only tell you what works for me: eat a lot (A LOT, at least 5 portions) of fruit and cut out any drinking and smoking. For me, that worked much better than everything else.

Secondly, the effect of psoriasis on your mental state is not to be underestimated. If you feel like I did, you'd be extremely vulnerable to someone out to exploit you. For me, i felt disgusting, ugly, tarnished, unhealthy, and that whatever led me to this state was a comment on my inherent ability to experience psoriasis and therefore any other bad things to come my way. I wonder if this is part of the reason why you need to hear words of love from this loon, no matter how self-serving they actually seem to the rest of us.

This guy has zoned in on you because he knows you're vulnerable and can be manipulated into the cosy family unit he has all planned out, regardless of how anyone else might feel about it (I'm pretty sure he's going to get stick from his sons about it too at some point, though that's a matter beyond the scope of this post).

There is a big gap between knowing the path and walking it. But knowing the path is well over halfway, I'd say, so don't be hard on yourself if it doesn't seem easy. It's not easy, especially with all the emotional blackmail being ladelled on. As long as you know in your mind what you're going to do, you can work on the details of how you're going to do it privately so that all you need to tell him is "I'm leaving, it's happening." Bottom line is, you don't need to explain yourself.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 8:16 am
Thanx tarantula

Yeah what you said was bang on the money.
I totally get what you say. It can be nice "sometimes" but I always have this over whelming urge telling me that I shouldn't be there.

I just lack the guts to do something about it. I very nearly did last night.... we were sitting and im looking at him thinking what I want to say but the words just wouldn't come out :(

I just start freaking out thinking about how much "I'M" going to destroy this person!!!! I cant seem to get into the mind set that I come first.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 8:27 am
Thank you reckoner

Yeah people really don't understand how stuff like psoriasis can affect you. How down it can actually get you and I did actually warn him from the start that I have it because as u said it makes you feel ugly, disgusting and really really self conscious. You cant wear what you wanna. I went one summer wearing long sleeves just because I looked myself and thought that's horrible. Who wants to see that. Cant wear dresses without tights because its horrible and im mega white which doesn't help lol. Fair play he always says it doesn't bother him but cant understand when I say it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, I have to feel good about myself. He takes it as some sort of personal attack that his views/opinions don't count. Sometimes I feel he is looking for a pat on the back because he well ... "deals" with it. He will say stuff like well I still kiss you there etc (without sounding graphic) By that I mean stomach lol. I seen this as "nice" before but now im not so sure. Don't get me wrong Its amazing that he is so good about it, has even helped me put my cream on etc (never had that before) I don't smoke at all and cant remember the last time I drank but I will take on board the fruit thing. Just gotta find something I like :) I have dealt with this since I was 12 so you would think I would be ok with it now>?? It just still kills your confidence and obviously because I am stressed its worse right now.

Maybe you are right... maybe he did home in on me because I was vulnerable. I was upfront about my dad and psoriasis and stuff like that so he was warned that my state of mind might not have been that stable. I would severely hope im wrong, that maybe he just gets carried away in love etc because yeah that would hurt like hell but it is all starting to make some kind of sense now.

Yeah I get what your saying about the path and it really does make sense. I know what has to be done but I need to find the strength to do it. I really wish he wasn't being nice right now so I had the excuse to just pack and leave when he's at work but I just don't have the heart to do that. I don't want to come across as the "bad" guy by doing that. I know he still thinks he is the victim in this and that im "taking advantage" or "cant move on". I know its wrong but I do feel myself ready to explode. I cant live a lie much longer.

Thank you again :)

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:00 pm
by Tarantula
I feel like you're on the edge of making one of the biggest, hardest and BESTEST decisions of your life (at least, I'm sure that's how those of us who finally left our abusive partners feel about it). So allow me to push you over that edge lol.

It seems like you're mostly staying out of guilt now, and can't put yourself first. But here's the thing. Putting yourself first doesn't ONLY benefit you. It benefits EVERYONE in the long term. Even your bf. How?

For as long as you stay, you're reinforcing his behaviour because he will know, on some level, that he doesn't have to change. He knows how far he can push it, and he knows when to change gear and be 'nice'. He's not necessarily TRYING to hurt you, but when it's a choice between hurting you and facing his issues, he chooses to hurt you every single time. Now that's selfish.

If you leave, he will of course react very badly and it will be difficult. But after that first shock has worn off, well then he will have a choice: replace you with the next vulnerable lady, and never have the guts to address what's really going on for him, and just keep going, be a dysfunctional partner, probably a dysfunctional father, and most likely raise the next generation of young men with trust issues... OR he can decide to sort himself out. It's something he has to decide for himself and he will NEVER make that decision whilst you stay. You've been doing the dysfunctional dance with him, and he knows that when the music stops, everyone sits down. That is his big fear; that's why he will react so badly when you leave (I said when!).. but it also represents an opportunity for him to step up. One that he probably won't take because change is hard. That's not your problem, though. You stay, you're enabling him. Let him inflict his issues on somebody else.

Who else benefits from you putting yourself first for a change, and leaving? Your mum. Your family, who need you too. You can't be the help and support that anyone needs whilst you're stuck in this unhealthy situation. Well, forget support - I'm sure they just want to see you happy. And you're not happy. So what about that?

What about how much better your life will be if you leave, not only for you, but for everyone around you? You'll be able to do more, achieve more, be with the people who care for you more. When you're happy, everyone benefits. Preach! You're of no 'use' to anybody whilst you're under so much stress and suffering.

So much. I know, I know. You've been trying so hard, haven't you? I know it hurts very much. At some point you've got to decide to stop opening yourself up for more hurt.

Warned that your state of mind wasn't stable? My dear, that's why he chose you in the first place. Perhaps not so consciously as all that, but essentially yes, that is the dynamic here. He can only exist in your life when you are a shadow of yourself. If you start climbing those steps again, well, you wouldn't give him a second look.

It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but at some point you will decide that enough is enough.

And we will be here when you do! :D

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 3:04 pm
Well I must say, that is a bit violent tarantula lol

Yeah this is definitely one of the biggest & hardest decisions I have ever had the horrific pleasure in making.

You are right.... the guilt totally reels me back in whenever I think of going. I can be sitting thinking about leaving but have the sudden realisation of what's going to happen and I just can't cope. All the thoughts about how he will cope, how the boys will be, even the dog. How his family are going to think and even his ex as mad as that sounds. She causes so much trouble for him. I know if I leave he will struggle to keep the boys right now "in these circumstances"

I do think about what it will be like to make that decision and be my own person again. To do what I want to do when I want to do it, to see my family and friends in the way I really want to, to just be happy in myself again but then I start doubting my own thoughts..... Is this really the right decision??? Am I maybe just not capable of a serious relationship after being spoiled by my mum and dad all these years???? Or have I just changed as a person??? Have I encouraged this?? The amount of online forums & quizzes I have done in the past few months is off the chart. The doubt always outweighs the results.

I really do think his relationship he had with his mum has a lot to answer for. I know previous relationships can influence new ones. I really do think he has mega issues creeping out from his childhood(from the things he has told me) and he says that hasn't scratched the surface. I know he's not TRYING to hurt me, I don't think he ever would. I don't know if its just ingrained in him that the whole world is against him. I must admit he is an amazing dad and does so much for his boys. They love him so much. They are so polite, generous, funny and loving. His ex and him have brought them up fantastically. The only thing I don't agree with is the fact that even they have a go at me when I go out at the weekend (only twice this year) That scares me, they might not mean it right now but his views are going to influence them. He hasn't been on his own properly since his ex wife, maybe he does need that time to reflect. He thinks he has had time to do so but a couple of months is not enough for anyone. I know I crave acceptance so I may have jumped in way too soon to this relationship. I need to learn to love me.

I know everything you say is total sense but my doubts just over rule everything. Its like I end up paralysed. I cant speak, my heart starts beating at 100mph and I lose the ability to even think for myself. Yip, I have tried so hard. Life shouldn't be this difficult right now. I never ever thought I would find myself in this position.

I have been blinded by love/lust/acceptance or whatever you want to call it.

I am so glad I found this place, it is helping me so much. I know you probably wont think so but it really is. I appreciate everyone so much who is taking the time out to comment and help


Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 8:39 pm
by reckoner
It's interesting that you say that his ex "causes so much trouble for him". It seems logical to me that she would have experienced the same kind of treatment/behaviour as you, and more if she raised a family with him and left her own children with him. You say she's done well raising the kids so leaving them doesn't sound like lack of care on her part from the little I know. Unless you've witnessed the trouble she causes him for yourself, it seems possible to me, and likely, that she knows exactly what you're going through, and that what you hear about her from him is a rough guide to what he'll be saying about you once you've gone.

I think you're absolutely right that he'll struggle with the family without you; that's why he needs you, or another woman that will help him. How much he needs someone - anyone who will do it - is demonstrated to me by his telling you he loved you before even meeting you.

I completely agree you're on the verge of doing what you need to. You're making an awful lot more progress than you think.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:21 am
Hi reckoner

She really does though. I mean like changes her plans with the boys last minute etc but if we want to organise a night she expects 6 months advance notice etc. She demanded money when he wasn't working. Telling the boys about money troubles. The other week the boys were at hers because it is her night but she refused to take them to the disco so my partner had to do it but he still didn't have his car on the road and had to walk IN THE POURING RAIN to theirs, take them to the school, walk home, then back again. From what iv heard her say she really is really awkward. But I do always try to see things from her side (which of course doesn't go down well) Im not taking sides but I do think they way he speaks to her is quite patronising sometimes. Maybe she is just scunnered with stuff that's happened in the past, I dunno. I feel myself doing the same now, as soon as he asks me a question now I get so defensive because he has been checking up on me and I just expect it now. Now this is my fault (obviously), that I cant let go. Its just weird. Last night we all did have a really nice night, lots of laughter and joking. Then I really doubt myself again, is It me that just cant be happy ??? Am I not capable of loving someone else???

I was on the verge until last night :( I just feel really confused. Like I don't know my own mind anymore. It really does frighten me sometimes.

I just feel so helpless and confused.

Im just such a what if sort of person. Over think every little thing :(

I was supposed to go out for dinner with my friends on Friday night (big hoo ha made of it again) because she's moving to isle of skye but they cancelled and I feel really hurt. I was going to open up about everything. Feels like total rejection. Maybe I just take things way too personally!!!

It is so hard because he does tell me loves me all the time and how he would be lost without me. He's never loved anyone else the way he loves me before. Im his world, his everything etc He does tell me im beautiful and stuff bla bla bla. I have googled the s*** out of controlling people and one characteristics that stands out is that they normally put their partners down. (Don't tell them this stuff) I swear Iv done every online quiz/test to try and make sense of stuff, to try and convince myself that its not me. Maybe that's making it worse???? I dunno!!!!!!!

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2017 9:37 pm
by reckoner
I wondered because a controlling person I have experience of spends half their time figuring out how to use a person or situation to their own advantage and most of the rest of it feeling victimised. But fair enough, sounds like you have direct experience of the ex.

To me, you sound like a person suffering from isolation. He's keeping you away from those that genuinely have your best interests at heart and provide the general support and reassurance that help us all get through the day with a smile on our face. No single person, even a person whose genuinely loving nature is not being called into question, can replace a network of family and friends whose motives you never need to question. I think that's a large part why you're continually second guessing yourself.

Saying loving things is easy. It's just words. It's very sad to see you being bought off so easily by these words when the actions tell such a different story.

Yes, you are overthinking and your challenge is to trust your instinct. This is not right.

All that said, I can understand why leaving him when he's being nice and good company feels difficult so maybe just give yourself a breather, enjoy this good spell but when/if/when/if things go bad... well.. You know what to do.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2017 10:05 pm
by reckoner
When I say "no single person", it's because his dependants don't count. He has replaced support with responsibility.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:06 am

Everything you are saying does make total sense btw. Last night he was going on about how no-one else loves me or has my "best" interests at heart, even my mum but I did tell him that's out of order. I really think its just a case of WHEN I snap now. Honestly he was saying things last night and I'm sitting thinking this is effing ridiculous and I could see how it could be seen as manipulative and controlling. Things like " your my whole world, I give you all of me, put you first etc , all I want to be is loved" When I said this is emotional blackmail he got angry. He twisted it round to me not being the gf he wants me to be. I really think he knows what's coming soon because he did say it out loud, I just clearly don't have the guts to just say it. (maybe because he was crying) and just looked so desperate. He keeps going about how we used to txt all day in work but don't now (I get watched in here and have been pulled up before) Yeah I probably don't have the same stuff to say anymore. He is taking it so personally its unreal. Telling me how he sneaks off to the toilet at his lunch because he's not even supposed to, sitting waiting on me to reply!!!! I said I don't expect you to do that, I appreciate that but u cant lose ur job for that but he as usual..... we are more important. He even tried to trick me by saying I phoned your work because u didn't reply on your lunch and you were in the back with the boys (because he knows I get on really well with them) wtf!!!!!! Will say your online 2 minutes after I message you and you don't reply ... who are you talking to bla bla bla..... I cant do this anymore. I cant feel guilty for even texting people. He just thinks I'm still holding a grudge from our well "2 week argument" So much more than that.

The funny thing is I'm helping out a woman in work with her divorce..... pot kettle lol!!!

This is just so crazy. I am slowly seeing things how others might be. I need the self belief to do what I need to do. Yeah you are right its really difficult when he is being so nice etc. My mum is over this weekend because its her birthday. I am going to make sure this weekend is good then try and make a final decision.

I know im pretty pathetic and that I shouldn't be putting up with this ***** but its really hard when you feel like something has SUCH a hold on you!!

He just makes it sound so wrong saying "you think its ok to go out whenever you like and leave me in the house alone" "Spend all your spare time with your mum or friends" "When are we (him and the boys) gna fit in with them" (they have met my family a couple of times) I get what he is saying to a certain extent because we don't go out but he's had no job but thinks its wrong for me to "spend all my money going out" well that's total bull**** because most of my money goes back into the house to keep us alive lol and I don't think I have been out a lot. He is quite happy not seeing his friends for months, just talking on the playstation on a Friday night but that's not good enough for me and he doesn't get it. He does always say he "doesn't like people" but he does get on well with everyone he meets but I think he has mega trust issues with people. I don't want to lose friends or family through this, I know that can happen. He thinks its "psychotic" that I think that's ACCEPTABLE!!!!

I am really starting to think his behaviours are a result of his childhood. The way his mum treated him, he was basically the "runt" of the family. His mum was clinically depressed all her life and tried to kill herself several times and blamed him. He also said the other day when talking to the boys about something that his brother when growing up wouldn't let him play with him and his friends because he was embarrassed and belittled him in front of them. It might not sound significant but when I think about it I can see how that could leave a scar, leave you craving love.

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 2:17 pm
by Tarantula
Well obviously he has childhood issues. I mean OBVIOUSLY. But that is besides the point. It's not an excuse!

You don't have to hate him; you just have to leave him.

If your mum's coming this weekend then that is the perfect opportunity to get some alone time with her and TELL HER THE TRUTH about what's been going on.

You are going to need all the support you can get, to get through this.

Also I highly advise NOT breaking up with him in person. Because there's a real chance he will get VERY nasty. I don't rule out physical violence. But if not that, then definitely he will make it as difficult as possible for you to get away, and you will probably crumble. For your sanity, write a letter and disappear. This is not a normal relationship that just hasn't worked out; you're not merely incompatible - he is PSYCHOLOGICALLY ABUSING YOU and you are unsafe with him. I reckon he'll turn to violence one of these days (again), but even if he doesn't, he is already damaging you on a seemingly daily basis. He is ruining your mental health. You will become a vegetable if you stay with him.

For sure the way he paints his ex is not going to be fair or accurate. Whatever version of herself she is now, I guarantee he is partly responsible for making her that way. But at least she managed to get rid of him. He's your problem now.

How much more is it gonna take?

Re: IS IT ME ?????? plz help!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 2:50 pm
Yeah I know he has issues and I am deffo not using that as an excuse, I just mean that might explain how he is so damaged/emotionally deranged.

I know, I just don't know how to. It is honestly like I just feel totally paralysed whenever I think about saying it.

Oh I have wanted to tell her the truth so many times. I really cant find the words. She knows something is up because I am not my usual cheerful self (even guys in work are telling me that) I know she will be there for me when I eventually do have the courage to just go.

Really???? I have thought about doing that but talked myself out of that because that's just "not what you do" but like you said it isn't just a relationship not working out!!! I feel like there's some un healthy obsession on his part. I don't think he would ever hurt me physically but I understand what your saying, I know he would be able to talk me round. I just cant stand telling people no. It kills me. I know myself that my mental health isn't what it should be. I feel totally lost/isolated/confused. I didn't even feel these when I lost dad. I guess I'm a little naïve . This is basically my first time out in the big bad world. I just couldn't see it :(

To your last question.... that's a question I keep asking myself. Its something that runs around my head a million times a day. I cant understand why I cant stand up for myself and just go, why I'm putting up with all this mental abuse, why I still feel compelled to please him even though I'm dying inside most of the time. Screaming for help (quite literarily sometimes). I feel weak, ashamed and embarrassed. I never ever thought I would let a guy treat me this way. Not in a million years. I know people that I have told will be getting angry with me and I get it. I really do. That is also making me want to not speak to them. Hens why you guys are getting the brunt, sorry...

I know I am being ridiculous but just cant seem to get it together to do something about it. I do feel like something is bubbling away and I will snap eventually. Talking on here is helping me though because before when I kept it all in I was such a wreck constantly. I hated the world and cried a shed load more than I am at the minute. Its still there but just not as much. At lest now I have a little escape and can let it out.

Thank you