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Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:49 pm
by Rko28
Thank you highland cow it's comforting to hear your words, I've been in this deep pit of dispair once before and again it ended at 6 month mark, I just thought I'd found the one which is making it so much harder.

She said on Friday "please don't block me on anything, you can still come to my sisters wedding too or call me whenever you like which I thought was weird. I'm telling her tonight I'm removing her though as Saturday she was putting snapchat videos of her out having fun (night after dumping me) which I thought was cruel.

I will certainly let you all know as I think I'm going to need to vent.

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 2:41 pm
by highlandcow
I find it never gets any easier, no matter how old you are or how many times it happens. But I'm glad you found some comfort there - that's why I used PP so much when I was going through the same thing. It helps to remember that everyone goes through it one time or another.

Rko28 wrote:She said on Friday "please don't block me on anything, you can still come to my sisters wedding too or call me whenever you like which I thought was weird. I'm telling her tonight I'm removing her though as Saturday she was putting snapchat videos of her out having fun (night after dumping me) which I thought was cruel.


I agree, that is very cruel! Almost like she wanted you to see them! She wants to keep you connected to her on social media for her benefit not yours. I would ignore that totally and get on with blocking her. It won't do you any good to see her Snapchats and Facebook updates, as I'm sure you know. And it won't help you to move on. I certainly wouldn't go to the wedding! Dear God, I can only imagine how painful that will be for you. And how awkward.

Please do let us know how you get on. I will be thinking of you.

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 2:51 pm
by Rko28
Thank you. I've just read over your devestation post HLC, im glad you are in a better place now. Our situations donsound errily similar, but after you being with him much longer I take my hat off that you have recovered.

Today is a bad day, I've not eaten properly since Friday, I'm starving hungry but it just won't go down, I looks forward to sleeping as it gives my brain a rest but now she's creeping in my dreams.

im starting to get worked up and anxious about tonight, I've got so many questions I've made a list on my phone incase I forget any with being in the moment. Is there a way I can check it without looking like I'm reading off a list? I don't want to leave there without asking everything as I'm 99% sure this will be the last time I see her

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 6:34 pm
by highlandcow
It was difficult but I got there in the end. And it turned out that despite my heartbroken ramblings that he was the best person in the world and my soulmate, yadda yadda, the more I reflected on our relationship the more I realised what a piece of work he actually was!

I know what you mean about the eating, as I did the same. But you must get something down as you'll need the energy. Try little and often and nice easy things like soup. What you said about the sleep rang true for me as well. I remember going to bed at 8:30pm just to get another day over with. If that's what helps go with it. You won't dream of her forever.

I'm not sure what you can do about your list. Try and remember the most important points and get answers to them. Chances are the other issues you've got written down will come up while you're talking to her (these conversations tend to be long!)

Please try and check in with us tonight/tomorrow.

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 6:43 pm
by Rko28
Thanks, I'm meeting her at our local park in a bit, wanted somewhere neutral.

I'm sure I'll be on later. Thanks for all your advice today everyone. Think I'm going to need you a lot the next few months! My stomach is in knots about tonight

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 10:01 pm
by Rko28
Ok so meeting over, feel bit better as have more answers but my god it was hard. All points below, feel free to digest and opinions:

Thinks I love her more than she loves me and that's why we are different (not personality wise)
Went on holiday and realised she wasn't missing me unlike the rest of her friends missing their bfs
Not 1 reason why it ended but lots of little reasons
6 months in and she hasn't met my family or been to my house (I live at home with my mum and little brother in a council house, her dad is a millionaire in a big posh house, I was embarrassed to bring her home and my mum was too.
Thinks I agreed with too many of her opinions
Maybe a bit too nice at times
Moved too quick
Couldn't see/imagine me in her future with a house,marriage etc
Deserve someone that loves me as much as I love them
Going travelling for 4 months (I knew this and was going to meet her for a bit)
Been single 3 years before me and until me wasn't interested in boys/relationships, thinks she's got used to being single.
Wanted to end it now incase we got longer down line and it would hurt more.

A very civil meet, very mature, god I love the girl so much, we said our goodbyes and again she said please don't be childish and delete her off everything, I said it was my perogative and I only want to hear off her if she has had a change of mind, absolutely sure and begs me, even then I may have moved on. She said she wouldn't be coming back and no false hope.

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 10:09 pm
by highlandcow
Just logged in quickly to see if you'd updated. I don't have much time at the moment, but I'll try and read properly and reply tomorrow.

Hang in there!

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 10:11 pm
by Rko28
Thank you, also the social media thing she said again, I told her how annoyed I was about what she put up Saturday, she said her sister had a right go at her about it.

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 6:32 am
by Rko28
Although she said the part about not meeting my family and coming to my place was an issue but wouldn't have made a huge difference, it's playing on my mind and I'm beating myself up about it. Would it have deepened a bond and then domino effect the rest and she may have seen a future?

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 9:56 am
by highlandcow
Rko28 wrote:Thinks I agreed with too many of her opinions
Maybe a bit too nice at times


Sorry, what? The other stuff aside, these two reasons really sound like she's scraping the barrel! Would she have preferred you to be horrible to her? Or to disagree and fight her on everything? I know that it can be good to have a debate on things with your partner, but to break it off because you had too much in common really sounds like an excuse to me!

Rko28 wrote:6 months in and she hasn't met my family or been to my house (I live at home with my mum and little brother in a council house, her dad is a millionaire in a big posh house, I was embarrassed to bring her home and my mum was too.


OK this I can see. I mean, to me it still isn't enough to end a relationship with someone I cared about. Did she ever mention this to you before? Did you ever talk about how you and your mum were embarrassed to bring her home (and by the way, you've no reason to be...if she cared about you, then she would have accepted your situation) If this came out of the clear blue, then I can understand why you'd be so hurt by it. But it still seems to me like she is plucking reasons out of the sky to justify herself. If she wanted to meet your family, she could have suggested you all met in a pub or for a meal or something. Nah, sounds like an excuse to me. Please don't beat yourself up - sadly it seems like she has made up her mind and it doesn't sound like there is anything you could have done to prevent this. As you say, she states that it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

On the social media thing - please, please don't think that you are being 'childish' by removing her. If that is what it takes to move on and start getting over her, then you must do it. Stuff what she thinks about it - it's not up to her. Trust me, you will start to feel LOADS better when you're not seeing her Snapchats, FB, Instagrams, and what have you. And while you're doing that, block her number. She already said you won't be hearing from her, so you might as well. When I was in the same situation, my ex was really funny about me doing that as well. I finally blocked him after I stopped texting him back (finally!) and he accused me of 'ignoring him'. I just wanted to get over him in peace! He felt guilty and me being in contact alliviated that somewhat. Oh how I wish I had just told him to shove off sooner! But anyway... :oops:

I really feel for you - I still remember just how painful this is and how you're likely to be feeling this morning. Are you glad you met up with her and cleared the air a bit?

In the meantime, I hope your family are supporting you. In a way, I was glad to read that you still live at home, as you'll have all that support. I was living alone when I went through this (although I went home to my Dad's every weekend) and goodness me, was I lonely in the evenings. Hence why I was spending so much time on PP and going to bed at 8:30pm.

Please keep on posting here if it helps.

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 10:36 am
by Rko28
Morning HLC, thanks for getting back :)

I managed to shoot her down with the too nice comment, she said I agreed with her opinions all the time, I gave her examples of when I didn't and then said surely if we have same opinions that means we are compatible, she agreed and said that's how her scatty brain worked. I said I'm not going to be nasty just for the hell of it and cause arguments. My mum has said a few times I'm too nice. Cant help who I am I guess. 6 Months in and its the 1st time she said I'm too nice, I could easily say the same to her that she was too nice.

The family thing struck a chord with me, she said there was a point she wanted so much to meet my mum and little brother, she offered what you said about going out for food etc but I told her my mum always finds faults with food when we go out and its embarrassing, its true though. She then said "I could walk past your mum or friends in the street and not know who they are, I don't even know where you live" I feel so stupid about this and kicking myself how I let that happen.
Funnily enough she was due to come around last sunday and then come to my friends wedding the week after and stay over at mine, I told her that but she said "i know but you've been saying for weeks I can come around and it never happens" - I have to hold my hands up, shes so right about. Do you think that would make a difference?

Social media, shes not an avid user of any tbh, facebook hasn't updated for couple of months, barely instagrams and snapchat now and again publically.

My mums been great but was in tears with me last night, she blames herself about her not coming around and saying its her fault. I love my mum to pieces but she has let the house get in a bit of a state (mild depression after grandmothers death) ive tried my best to make it acceptable but I work fullt ime and its hard to find time. In some ways I do blame her but didn't say that.

I'm just thinking, if she had come to meet her, felt more of a part would she have not lost the feeling?

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 11:21 am
by reckoner
Sounds rough - but also helpful in explaining things. I do feel for her as well as you; it's not easy having to justify something to someone who is very hurt by it.

I don't think that by saying you're 'too nice' it means she would rather be with a shmuck, I think it just means there were times when she didn't feel you challenged her or a given situation enough. But HLC is right when she says the last thing you should do is stop being who you are. I think this comment is made in the general context of a relationship that isn't right for her.

I also wonder, from this, from other things on the list and from what you've said elsewhere, if you were/are a bit in awe of her and maybe that's what she was trying to get at with the 'too nice' and 'agreeing with everything' comments. Relationships work best when we feel we're an equal with our partner. I think the 'not taking her home' is the concrete example of a shame you felt that put yourself on a less than equal footing. That's not about whether you are her equal or not but how you feel about it yourself.

I don't think taking her home would have resolved this as much as resolving why you didn't. I don't think it makes a difference here, but it very much will in the future. Don't be embarrassed by your mum any more than we are all embarrassed by our parents, and as much as she likely is by her millionaire dad. It's a parent's job!

EDIT: I'm referring specifically to your comment about your mother in restaurants, by the way, not the house or it being in a mess. Those last two things represent the shame you shouldn't feel.

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 2:00 pm
by Rko28
Could well be, I honestly thought, and still do now, that she's the most beautiful, genuine loving girl I've ever met, I feel no hate towards her at all (wish I did) so maybe I built her up to be something she wasn't/isn't.

All day I've been stupidly thinking she's going to change her mind, even though it's quite clear she isn't even after telling me, what is that about? Why am I thinking this?

There's just a gut feeling she is, I know it's more wishful thinking and possibly denial but I'm still struggling to process it all.

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 3:20 pm
by reckoner
I've done my fair share of pining after someone, as most of us surely do. I think the mind constructs all possible pathways to our desired outcome which can morph into belief. You're in shock. There will then come grief, that aching sense of loss. Somewhere down the road comes acceptance. But allow yourself all these feelings. They're part of the natural and inevitable process of dealing with this. Like I said before; the flip side to the joy you'll feel when you're with someone who loves you as much as you love them.

Re: Dumped out of the blue with no real reason

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 3:52 pm
by Rko28
Thank you, this is my 4th major break up now, 1 mutual, 1 my choice and then 2 out my hands. This one is the worst I've ever felt, she was the one I loved more than any before.

At my age I'm starting to worry now that I've "missed the boat" when it comes to finding love and the special one. I can't see how anyone will ever compare to her