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People think I shouldn't be with my boyfriend...

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 1:50 pm
by MissNikki90
I'm 26 and he's 35, we've been together for just over 2 years, we've had quite a few arguments that have resulted in me walking out with a bag packed... Admittedly, I'm not great at dealing with the arguments because it's like arguing with a brick wall sometimes and things do get blown out of proportion and ultimately things are said that neither of us mean. I've also supported him through a lot and feel like I should be treated better...

However 75% of the time he's everything I want in a partner and everything is fine... The problem is my family knew of him and his family prior to us being in a relationship and he's got a bit of chequered history nothing too serious but family think that our relationship shouldn't survive because of that despite that fact he's done nothing to me.

We had a big argument on Thursday which resulted in me leaving and saying in the heat of the moment that that was it but after speaking to my boyfriend long and hard, he's willing to make the changes to his behaviour in order for us to work. Friends and family think I'm stupid for going back to him and I'll never change him but ever since I met him, I've always felt we should be together.

Am I wrong in thinking this can work and we have a future?

Re: People think I shouldn't be with my boyfriend...

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 9:02 pm
by David020549
Outsiders can see a lot more than you think, they can see how you are when you are away from him, they can see how you change when he is around. Take notice of what they are saying, many young women are hopelessly optimistic that their men will change an be a good partner, most don't change.
You are 26, find a decent bloke not a bad boy, you have your whole life in front of you.

Re: People think I shouldn't be with my boyfriend...

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 9:45 am
by reckoner
If he has acknowledged where you feel he is going wrong in the relationship and says he is willing to put it right, I think you both need the opportunity for him to prove it for you to understand whether this is a go-er or not, in isolation of anyone else's opinion.

When you face adversity from other people about your relationship, the sense of Us Versus Them can make a relationship feel more solid than it would if you were left entirely to your own devices. People who love and care for you will not want to see you hurt and will feel frustration if you describe your dissatisfaction with the relationship to them. Just leave him already, they'll think. So I think you have to try to deal with your problems as a private matter between you and him, without involving friends and family to eliminate their influence for the time being so you can decide this for yourself.

Re: People think I shouldn't be with my boyfriend...

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 11:21 am
by MissNikki90
You've totally hit the nail on the head reckoner...

I suggested booking in to the docs and he's done it... He's really willing to make those changes in order for us to work.

It is very much a them and us situation at the moment... I'm not the most experienced when it comes to relationships so although it'll be hard not turning to friends and relatives for advice, it's got to be done. Then again, if all they're going to do is suggest I leave him then I'd rather not turn to them for advice.

Re: People think I shouldn't be with my boyfriend...

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 12:52 pm
by highlandcow
David020549 wrote:Outsiders can see a lot more than you think, they can see how you are when you are away from him, they can see how you change when he is around. Take notice of what they are saying, many young women are hopelessly optimistic that their men will change an be a good partner, most don't change.


Wow David, ain't that the truth! I spent years with an abusive partner because I couldn't see what was under my own nose!

If I were to be honest, I don't think that him being the perfect partner 75% of the time is good enough. Obviously, none of us are 100%, nobody is perfect but I would want more than 75%. I'm glad that he seems to be taking steps to deal with his issues and become a better partner, but if he can't get above that 75% in your eyes then maybe it would be time to leave. Otherwise these problems will just keep happening and if you find that you already can't confide in friends and family, you will find yourself isolated when you need people most.

Re: People think I shouldn't be with my boyfriend...

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 4:42 pm
by MissNikki90
It's more than 75%, just at the time of writing I was that confused and angry that it sounded about right.

He's got an appointment booked at the docs for a week on Weds... I think this time has been a real wake up call for him.


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Re: People think I shouldn't be with my boyfriend...

PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:57 pm
by highlandcow
MissNikki90 wrote:It's more than 75%, just at the time of writing I was that confused and angry that it sounded about right


Fair enough - we've all done that!

Hope he gets on OK. Let us know how you're getting on if you can.

Re: People think I shouldn't be with my boyfriend...

PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 2:23 pm
by MissNikki90
Update to anyone that's interested...

He went to the docs but has been given a self referral form for mental health.

It's not quite the outcome I was hoping for... Yes, he does work long hours which he chooses to do and he's taken over the running of his Dad's landlord business but his behaviour started before that so I'm not sure what to do now. Things have improved since we had the big argument, I just want some assurance I guess that he's not going to slip back into his old ways.


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Re: People think I shouldn't be with my boyfriend...

PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 8:26 pm
by David020549
Ok so you're going to give him another chance, if he is " running his fathers landlord business" that is pretty high stress and if he has any mental issues he will struggle. If "Landlord" is managing property, that is fraught with problems, get it right and you do well, get it wrong and it's hell. So if things are going badly you are going to have to make allowances, you will need to understand why he is stressed and not add to it.

Re: People think I shouldn't be with my boyfriend...

PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2017 2:20 pm
by snail
I couldn't quite work it out from your post - is he going to see someone from mental health or is he expected to 'treat' himself?

Have things got better now?

Re: People think I shouldn't be with my boyfriend...

PostPosted: Mon Jul 24, 2017 3:53 pm
by MissNikki90
He's was expected to decide for himself whether he needs referring or not.

Things have gotten better, thankfully. The situation made him realise that things could carry on the way they were and he had to make changes.


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