Is he having a quarter life crisis?

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Is he having a quarter life crisis?

Postby Rose2906 » Tue Jun 06, 2017 3:15 pm

So my ex broke up with me three days ago. He is 24 and I'm 23 in a few weeks. We'd been together for 2 1/2 years and before that had been together for 3 years (I actually broke up with him basically with the exact same reason when I was 19 - long story short, I missed him and a year later we got back together).

His reason for splitting was that he wanted freedom and space to be alone in the world. I was totally confused, hurt, upset, everything, I didn't really see it coming. He said he felt like our relationship had run its course.

Since then we've spoken and he has said he wants a year before he settles down where he has no responsibilities i.e. no obligations to text me back, have set days to see me, doesn't have to feel responsible for me, wants to be able to blow his money without me being a consequence (he's been running out of money and being overdrawn each month which has caused small arguments).

I've asked tons of times but he has said there is no other girl involved, he just doesn't feel the same and wants to be on his own. Although he has said I'm absolutely perfect, he'll never find anyone like me again and wants a future with me just not right now and that this is just a temporary split until he's figured it all out. He hasn't changed our facebook relationship status or his profile picture as he said he doesn't want to come out of this relationship to get into another.

He has said he doesn't want to lose me and wants to hang out still as friends while he enjoys his freedom although he needs a few weeks of space to deal with his feelings; then once he has had his freedom he wants us to get back together and settle down.

Has anyone had experience of something like this, whereby you've been broken up with as space is required but have almost been promised you'll get back together in the future?
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Re: Is he having a quarter life crisis?

Postby highlandcow » Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:10 pm

Hi Rose,

I'm sorry to say it but it sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. A whole year of space from you, to do whatever he likes, in the full knowledge that in a years time (or whenever he decides) good old Rose is still waiting in the wings? He's got it all wrapped up nicely hasn't he? I don't think that is on at all! If he feels like the relationship has run its course, why does he feel that in a year he'll be able to pick you back up again like some sort of toy? Surely after a year, you'll be even further off course! It's all on his terms and I think you deserve more than that!

Agree to it by all means but I would tell him that he shouldn't expect you to wait around for a year by yourself while he flits off and does who knows what. Has he mentioned his terms for what you do in this year? Does he expect you to wait around for him? Are you able to date other people? If you're still both avaliable in a year and it happens again organically then fair enough but please don't put your life on hold for him.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I really don't mean to, but I think you're getting a bad end of a deal here and it's not fair. And this sort of 'arrangement' kinda grinds my gears. :evil: A year is a long time to wait for someone who can't offer a guarantee of whether or not he will even want to be with you again. You're both only young and it would be a shame to miss out on a whole year for him.
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
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Re: Is he having a quarter life crisis?

Postby highlandcow » Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:18 pm

I forgot to say, I have had experience of this...except I was the one doing the promising. I was only 18 and didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings, but needless to say we did not get back together. I had moved on and in truth, had forgotten that I had made any such promise to him! This was not my finest hour and I feel bad about it (and felt bad about it then too) as I did love him, but I'm telling you for full disclosure. This was 13 years ago and we are amazingly enough still friends, but it was hard work. He didn't deserve to be treated that way, like some sort of experiment (that was actually his exact phrasing at the time...I still remember those words. Oh, the utter shame I felt. Still feel). I was doing what I thought was best for him but I can see now that I was doing no such thing. I was appalling and I'm 'fessing up to this because I don't want you to have to go through that.
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

- Billy Connolly
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Re: Is he having a quarter life crisis?

Postby Rose2906 » Wed Jun 07, 2017 2:23 pm

Hi HLC

I just read through your 'devastation' thread from 2012 (sorry if that brings up any sad memories). I feel like I can so relate to how you were feeling. My ex was my world, I called him if I was upset, if I was angry at something, if I saw something funny while out somewhere, or just for a general chat. Not only have I lost my boyfriend but my best friend. It really is the most painful thing I've ever experienced. My emotions are a rollercoaster, one minute I'm sobbing, real screams, asking why he did this to me, the next I'm furious that he's done this to me, some moments i'll feel calm and excited for the future but then I remember that my companion isn't laying by my side watching rubbish TV with me and it takes me back to square one. I'm in therapy too, I had my first session last night so I'm hoping I can move through this relatively quick.

Sadly, I woke up this morning to a bunch of screen shots from a random girls (now ex) boyfriend. Since my ex left me on Saturday he has been messaging a girl he works with, who was also in a relationship and has a kid. I now realise I am so much better than him, he has left someone who literally gave him the world, for someone who can only offer some lousy s*x and comes with baggage. I am obviously livid and angry but strangely positive, like this has lifted a weight off my shoulders and I can now move on with my life. Yes it will be hard, but I take comfort in knowing he has severely downgraded. I hope in a few weeks or months he realises the grass isn't greener on the other side and wants me back so I can have the pleasure of rejecting him. I've seen the messages and they did only start after he dumped me but I am well aware the attraction had been there while we were together, at least he had the decency to leave me first. The thought of them having s*x makes me feel really sick but if it is what he has to do to realise he misses me then fine.
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Re: Is he having a quarter life crisis?

Postby Rose2906 » Wed Jun 07, 2017 2:32 pm

Similarly too, since Saturday (four days ago) I've only ate a ham roll, two crumpets and two slices of toast. I've probably drank a litre of water at max, which is what I usually drink a day. I just cant bring myself to eat or drink, I don't know if it is because I can't swallow as I feel so sick or because eventually I'll burn out and that will hopefully take this pain I'm feeling away. I mainly cry in the mornings when I wake up after dreaming of him to find he isn't there, or when I get in from work and realise this isn't all a big nightmare because he isn't there waiting for me to have a big cuddle and ask how my day is. But I can only distract myself so much and I've found myself crying while driving to/from the station to work, or worse while i'll at work which makes me feel like a crazy lady. I haven't been at work the last two days as I just can't concentrate, luckily the few people who know are super understanding, but my boss returns from leave tomorrow and I will have to face reality again :(.

Sorry for these long posts, I just feel like I need to get it all out.
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Re: Is he having a quarter life crisis?

Postby highlandcow » Wed Jun 07, 2017 2:44 pm

Rose2906 wrote:I just read through your 'devastation' thread from 2012


Oh yikes! Fair play to you, I know that wasn't a short read! But I'm happy to say that I am now married to a lovely man who treats me like a Queen and we have a gorgeous 15 week old son. :D Thinking back on that post and all the emotion that went into it, I can still hardly believe I wasted such a lot of time and energy on such a waster!

Rose2906 wrote:I now realise I am so much better than him, he has left someone who literally gave him the world, for someone who can only offer some lousy s*x and comes with baggage. I am obviously livid and angry but strangely positive, like this has lifted a weight off my shoulders and I can now move on with my life.


Excellent! =D> =D> I mean, of course that it sucks that you had to find out in such a way but really, he has done you a favour. He clearly has no class, and no sense either! You're better off without him!

I know how painful you will be finding this though. Keep those thoughts from your above quote in mind. Yes, he has downgraded, he's thrown it all away. In the meantime, talk to friends, family, make a playlist of angry songs and shout them at the top of your lungs (worked for me. In fact, in the Chit Chat section here there is a thread of all the best break-up songs), eat ice-cream and watch soppy films. Cry it out and then move on and kick some butt! Seriously sweetie, you deserve SO much better than this excuse for a man!

Rose2906 wrote:I hope in a few weeks or months he realises the grass isn't greener on the other side and wants me back so I can have the pleasure of rejecting him.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this! =D> =D> =D> I hope he does too. And I hope you come back here and let us know the many and detailed ways you told him to shove it up his feckless backside.
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

- Billy Connolly
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Re: Is he having a quarter life crisis?

Postby Rose2906 » Wed Jun 07, 2017 2:54 pm

Yes, it did take a while to read through that thread! I hope one day I can be in the position you are now, but obviously it feels impossible and like I'm going to be on my own forever. My biggest fear is when I feel ready to date new guys, they won't compare and it'll make me miss him more.

I will definitely post back here. I am seeing him tonight for answers and closure. I'm not sure if I will get it or not, he seems to be a completely different person, like he really has gone off the rails! I'm meeting his mum on Friday because we're both so concerned about him. He did say to me this morning that he knows dating this girl will not give him the freedom he so badly craves but he has to experiment and see for himself. A few hours later he messages me saying he isn't sure anymore as it is a lot to take on. I'm sure he will probably still talk to her and be intimate with her though which makes me feel sick!

I'm hoping after tonight I can commence the no contact rule to really give him a chance to miss me. Since we split I've text him and called him constantly asking him to rethink his decision and try us again. It is my birthday three weeks tomorrow, my aim is to last until then as I'm hoping he will send me a birthday text, but I know if he doesn't I will be shattered into pieces as it'll be the realisation that he really doesn't care.

P.S congrats on your baby!
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Re: Is he having a quarter life crisis?

Postby highlandcow » Wed Jun 07, 2017 3:51 pm

Rose2906 wrote:Yes, it did take a while to read through that thread! I hope one day I can be in the position you are now, but obviously it feels impossible and like I'm going to be on my own forever. My biggest fear is when I feel ready to date new guys, they won't compare and it'll make me miss him more.


I totally know what you mean. I felt like that too. But trust me, when you meet the right one, you'll look back and you won't know what all the fuss was about. I'm feeling like that when I'm reminded of my massive tome that I wrote on here in 2012. Give yourself time. You've had a big shock and suffered a loss of not only a boyfriend but a best friend as well and it will take time to get over him. But you will! Oh, you absolutley will.

Rose2906 wrote:I'm hoping after tonight I can commence the no contact rule to really give him a chance to miss me. Since we split I've text him and called him constantly asking him to rethink his decision and try us again.


Oh yes, been there as well. I hung on texting my ex on the most flimsy of pretences just to see if he would contact me back. And if he did, would he want to give it another go. God, the things I used to think of to get his attention, and none of them worked. And I'm glad they didn't. To be honest, the thing that helped me the most was deleting him off Facebook (or just hiding his updates so you don't see them) and blocking that number. I know how hard it is to do that, I waited MONTHS to do that because I wanted to keep the lines of communication open. I should have done it right away because as soon as I wasn't wiling away an evening waiting for my phone to buzz, or being dissapointed that it wasn't him when it did, I started to feel better. I don't know if you're in a position to do this and it might be a bit extreme but another thing I did was move house. I was only renting so it was easy to get out but it helped me to get a fresh start. If you can't do that, then maybe redecorate. Erase those memories!

Let us know how you get on tonight - I will be thinking of you. Don't expect much from him and do think about whether you even want him back if he makes any moves in that direction. I know it will be so tempting, but try and remember how you're feeling now. Chances are, if you do take him back, he won't hesitate to pull this kind of stunt again. And you deserve more....I may have already mentioned that! :wink:

Please try and eat though - I know you don't have the appetite (it's the shock) but you need the energy as you will feel worse if you don't. Even if it is little and often. Do you have family you can stay with for a while until the worst of this passes?

Rose2906 wrote:Sorry for these long posts, I just feel like I need to get it all out.


Don't you worry about that - that's what PP is here for! 8)
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

- Billy Connolly
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Re: Is he having a quarter life crisis?

Postby highlandcow » Thu Jun 08, 2017 8:35 am

How did you get on last night Rose? :)
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

- Billy Connolly
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