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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 8:20 am
Hi "the thing"

Thank you for taking the time out to speak to me. I really appreciate it. As you can see from above that things are getting better but I totally get your comments. I am a little like that myself (not because im scared of being alone) Sometimes I do think yeah I need to be alone but right now we are taking things a step at a time. He realises he has been smothering me and "I think" we have an understanding. Only time will tell..... the proof is in the pudding I guess. I think before I did make it a huge deal if I left ( it will be the end of the world) but talking to you guys has made me realise that I do deserve to be happy and that things do happen/relationships do break down.

Yeah your right.... I cant leave myself lol I need to learn to love myself again.

Thank you :)


PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:56 pm
by highlandcow
Hi pet,

I'm so glad you've updated - I was worried (maternity leave madness!)

And I'm very glad that you've told him everything and that he was understanding. I do think that him getting a job will go a long way towards his mental health. Being at home all day is not good for you (a fact I know all too well at the moment!) And well done for sticking to your guns and not letting him make you the villian of the piece. =D>

If things start to slide back to where they were, please do look out for those signs again and remember what we've said on PP.

And no bother at all, that's what PP is for. :D


PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 1:30 pm

Aww thank you :) Yeah I totally get that. I must admit I do feel like im walking on egg shells at the moment but hoping that subsides with time. Just going to rebuild a bit at a time. Of course he thinks it all just goes back to normal just like that!! Obviously it is going to take time to just "forget" everything because of it was so psychotic (in my opinion) an idiotic. This might sound harsh but he is saying I love you like every minute and im not saying it back all the time (I really am not going to say stuff just for the sake of it) I am going to mean everything I say. I cant just say stuff to please everyone else. Its not fair on anyone. I really do feel like I have a different head on now. I feel I can cope with things now if anything else happens, I wont just blame myself. I now know I have people I can open up to and wont be judged etc. Starting to feel a bit like the old me again. I really am not going to be a pushover!!!!!! It might sound silly but I do feel like this well "experience" or whatever you wanna call it has made me stronger :) So I do thank you so much for helping me.

How are things with you and baby ??



PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 1:32 pm
PS.... I deffo will be looking out for any sign..... If I do see any then you can be sure I will be out. I am never holding back how I feel again. It just makes you ill. Only person who ends up hurting is you.


PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 11:00 am
by Tarantula
I may be late to the party but sadly I suspect not. I know how tempting it is to sweep all under the carpet when the glimmer of hope presents itself. And, they - as in, emotionally abusive partners - know it too. Basically, you stuck up for yourself for once and he sensed that if he pushed it too far then you really would go; so he probably said the bare minimum he needed to, to keep you towing that line, until you feel just secure enough again that he can go back to his old ways... and it'll be harder for you to get out than ever before.

Break you down slowly, reel you in when you're at your limit, wait for you to re-adjust your expectations, then carry on as they were before, managing down your needs until you are settling for scraps and are a shadow of who you once were... This is a relationship based on diminishing returns. You will invest and invest and invest and hold on for dear life; he'll offer less and less.

I want to be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. But I'm afraid you've spent 1000s of words, over the span of some weeks, telling us how utterly awful your life has become because of this destructive relationship (not the only reason, but the main once), and then a little while just now saying it's all different.

Btw thething, it seems you scanned the text for an alternate explanation (the age gap, mentioned once) and jumped on it, dismissing the other overwhelmingly clear parts of the post - or selectively making excuses for bits of his behaviour - for what reason I do not know.

I've been exactly there, Shyglasgowgirl. You want so so so so SO badly for your happy ending, that you'll rejoice the slightest indication that this is possible. At this stage, you'll be minimising how bad it really was before, privately deciding that perhaps you really were just overreacting, that he really loves you, and feeling such a needed sense of blissful relief that everything's going to be okay after all.

Next, he will go back to old ways and it's gonna hurt like hell to have that little piece of hope taken away again, just like that. You will again question your sanity because of all the inner conflict and overwhelmingly pendulum-swinging and powerful emotions. Is it him? Is it you? Are you losing your mind? You'll beat yourself up for being 'too weak' to leave, whilst at the same time wondering if it's all your fault, as you have done before. But the immediate memory of that little ray of hope will keep you committed to another round of bad behaviour from him.. when he senses you are at your absolute limit, he'll change tack and become apologetic, and promise change... hope is back... he lets you down again.. and around and around it goes.

Do I think he's a bad guy? No, not really. I think he's damaged by his own issues which you cannot help him with. He has to decide for himself to address all his demons which are influencing his behaviour, and he has to get treatment all by himself. He is unlikely to do that full stop, but he is especially unlikely to do it whilst you're still around. Your presence in his life enables him. On some level he knows that how he treats you is wrong, but yet, you're still there. He's caught up in a habitual cycle of treating you badly because deep down he knows you'll take it.

Look, he's not laughing at your expense. He's not having a great time, enjoying your misery (well, I don't think he is - such sadistic personalities do exist, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now). This isn't about making him out to be evil. It's not about right and wrong. It's about healthy vs unhealthy, and what the two of you really need to move forward.

The only way this relationship could work is if he decides to profoundly change which, as I've said, is clearly not going to happen on your time. He might say the words for now, and in his head he may even mean them; but old patterns of behaviour will get the better of him, and the better of you, until one of you decides to tap out. By the look of things, that will need to be you.

For you, you need to understand within yourself why you've stayed in this situation for so long. I think, from what you've said, it has a lot to do with your bereavement and how that has blown your world apart. Those events led to you being particularly vulnerable, and here you are. Perhaps the reasons run deeper than recent events - I dunno - is there a pattern of you being in such destructive relationships? What happened in your last one? Could it be that you've been left particularly needy (no shame in that: anyone in your position would be), particularly exposed and hungry for love, and that has led you to this man who can only be with women who are so down on their emotional resources?

You strike me as someone who takes way too much responsibility for others' behaviour. You feel guilty for his problems, guilty for wanting to spend your own money, guilty for wanting to see your mum, guilty for thinking about leaving. You said you would tell someone else to do whatever it took to be happy, 'even if it meant hurting someone else'.... but if you break up with this man fair and square (ie no cheating), then you have not 'hurt' him. The breakup has hurt him. You have tried your darn hardest and you couldn't be happy together. Stop taking responsibility for his feelings/behaviour! It's a textbook symptom of emotional abuse.

I'll bet he doesn't want you 'running away to your mum' - he demonstrates contempt for your family/allies because he knows they'd tell you to run a mile if they knew what was going on. Yeah yeah I know it's all in the past - as of the weekend - until it isn't. Until you're telling us, I'm gonna give it, a week from now how everything is basically back to how it was before. And then it simply becomes a question of, how much are you willing to tolerate, and how much time do you want to waste?

It's not just emotional wellbeing and enjoyment of life that hangs in the balance right now. It's time, oh so valuable time, which you can never get back, not ever.

As I said, I want to be wrong, I want him to be the imaginary fantasy exception to all the rules and for this to be the beginning of a process of betterment for him. I'm sure he has already, since the weekend, booked an appointment to see a trauma specialist about whatever his own pre-existing issues are (you mentioned a bad relationship with his mum before she passed), joined a support group, apologised to you profusely everyday for how he has treated you and treated you wonderfully in the meantime. What's that? You feel you're walking on shells, even after his Big Change? No, of course you're not, you're comfortable, you feel emotionally safe with him because he has convinced you that he is the man for you after all, and he's prepared to do whatever self-work it takes because you and the relationship come first....... right?

... I absolutely drove myself to the point of madness at the time, went through all the cycles, split myself down the middle from arguing with myself to exhaustion (is it him? Or is it me? Am I too sensitive? Am I just crazy?), stopped sleeping, couldn't eat, told myself and others 100 times I was walking, only to come straight back... he never laid a finger on me and yet somehow the relationship left me scarred and dishevelled in every way... my friends lost respect and quit bothering to tell me to quit, because I couldn't. The dopamine rush of the 'what if it can be different THIS TIME' had me hooked, and not figuratively - I've since learned that addiction to partners who are unhealthy for us is real and tangible from a neurological point of view - and operates the same as any other addiction. I see it all so clearly now. He had to literally leave the country for six months to give me any chance of breaking out of it... he wasn't the devil, but the way he treated me triggered something in me and I couldn't seem to pull away. For me, it's all about my unhappy childhood but I also believe a recent horrible event such as a bereavement can create the same vulnerabilities.

Two years later I'm with a man who treats me like a Queen, we've moved abroad together and I'm astounded at how much life can change. I could still be there. I don't wanna know where I'd be by now in that case.

I'll finish with a list of things you said throughout your thread. I was highlighting them but gave up because there were so many things, so many warnings.. and btw when he does go back to old ways, please don't feel like I'm attacking you for staying. I get it. Of course I do. I just wish there was a way to tell you that a there is a whole other, better life out there waiting for you, and it doesn't have to be this way.

    'We met not even a year after my dad died and I just came out of a long term relationship
    I cry all the time and stress so much about the relationship
    I feel guilty for feeling like this
    (I cant win)
    I know it sounds selfish and I feel super guilty for even thinking it
    Yeah I mean its a tricky one
    Sometimes I do think to myself that he is controlling but I do shrug it off as "love"
    I am starting to think there is something fundamentally wrong with me right now
    I really didn't feel I could voice my opinion
    He used to have anger issues way before I met him
    I am just so confused right now. I don't know if its just me
    I'm really not happy right now and I honestly have no clue on how get happy again
    I would probably tell them to do whatever makes them happy, even if it means hurting someone else
    I feel horrific because I just don't know what's going on.
    The fact that he just wont listen to me and tells me all my opinions/points of view are either rubbish or incorrect just keeps bringing me down more. I feel so horrible for making him feel like that.
    He gets angry at me if I drop the tiniest hint that someone knows I'm upset.
    My bf thinks its kind of ridiculous that mum Is still really struggling….

… I am with a really nice guy.'


PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 3:48 pm
Hi Tarantula

Thank you so much for taking the time out to share your thoughts with me. I must admit I had to take 5 after I read it. It did hit hard. (Not that I'm complaining) I do totally get where your coming from. I totally agree, he is definitely not a horrible person, just some mega issues. (which he says he has never felt/went through before) Do you think I'm being a total mug??? Things really do feel better and he is saying sorry every day for the "bad stuff" . I really do feel like he is but again like you said.... is this him making me feel that way?? I really don't think he does any of this to be malicious in any way but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I really do wanna believe that he means what he is saying and I really do feel that I have the courage now to walk if I see any hint of that behaviour. I was walking on Friday but didn't want to cause a scene in front of the boys. I am struggling to go through your post and reply to each question but I will try my best.....

His relationship with his mum was horrific. He says his mum tried to kill herself "a lot" and he had to help her when he was little and she even told him it was because of him once. He says he is fine with it but I cant see how that cant effect you. He has said he had anger issues in the past and that I "wouldn't like to see him angry" but to be honest if it was that bad then I would be away. I hate confrontation etc. I witnessed my ex physically fight with his dad and bring out a knife to him (btw apart from that my pas relationships have been relatively normal) I had a group of friends and went out a lot, we never stayed with each other, he could never hold down a job. I got on with his family amazing and I do still miss them sometimes (things just are not the same with my current partner) but maybe I shouldn't be comparing. My partner was with his ex for "years" and have 3 boys.... he says he was never allowed to go out etc and she was horrible to him (I still think he thinks about that too much and tries to compare me to that and takes stuff out on me) I dunno....

I really haven't been though anything "traumatic" in my life before until I lost my dad. I lost my best friend years ago (I didn't want to be in the crowd that smoked and drank so I was outcast) but apart from that I feel iv well lead a boring life to be frank. My dad was my best friend. I know myself I lost all my confidence when I lost dad and sometimes I do feel like I am still trying to rebuild that. He was my protector. He done amazing things for people and was the most selfless person I know. I honestly thought I coped ok with it.... until now. Only now have I actually sat and thought about it. I feel sometimes I was too busy trying to "be strong" for my mum that I buried my feelings somewhere. I never really cried that much and always felt like I was heartless for doing so. Mum would cry all the time and still does. I guess iv just started to think that maybe I might have been very venerable when I met my partner. Maybe it was all too much for me and I cant cope now???

I do feel that in the beginning I did punish myself if I felt happy (after dad died) As soon as I felt remotely happy I would think of him in the hospital bed and start crying. My partner hates when I do this because it makes me sad but I honestly cant help it. I then get angry at me for it. Its crazy.

You are right I do take so much responsibility for other peoples happiness/emotions.... I would sacrifice my happiness for the sake of theirs. The fear of "hurting" people makes me feel physically sick. I was unhappy in my last relationship towards the end and only when I lost dad did I c life was too short so I ended it but here I am again????? Am I such a weak person ??? I feel like a fraud. I honestly don't look for praise but ppl in my work have said your the most selfless person we know. And iv hear my boss saying to people.... is that girl ever down (I always smile and sing and generally annoy the life out of everyone) Maybe I have kept a brave face on for too long... I dunno. What I do know is I certainly do feel better for opening up so I thank you all so much and to my friends. A problem shared really is a problem halved (the funny thing is I'm helping a woman in my work with issues she has the now with her husband) Things are getting better at home but very slowly for me. I mean he had a go at me the other day because I sat at the other side of the couch (apparently when that happens there are issues)

Jeez I really don't know..... I really did think I had it figured out until I read your post (not a bad thing) It really did strike a chord with me. Maybe I needed some proper home truths.

Yeah he doesn't want me talking about any of our problems to friends or family..... (I should be able to tell him everything and only him) but he's always said that... not just started it. Sometimes I do think it is me because iv never stayed with anyone before and proper shared a life (is it just too much for me?) Am I not ready for that or him??? I love the boys and the dog so much. They have just recently started saying love you... omg it melts my heart but then I'm like what the eff am I going to do if I need to walk away. I really wish someone could just be in my head and tell me exactly what the right thing to do is.... I would listen to them. I am honestly not a confident person and I am never sure so this decision making stuff just kills me. What ifs......

Thanks again for your time :) Anymore insight would be great!!!!


PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:08 pm
PS I really do hope things can be good again but yeah I have the nagging voice in the back of my head saying you will never get over this. You will never forget this. People get through affairs etc so why cant I move on??? maybe I am sugar coating stuff. I don't know. Oh geez oh I sound like a crazy person.


PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2017 1:14 pm
Just an update....... We had another moment yesterday. Everything was going great (we even booked up a weekend away at a caravan) Even the boys called me step mum yesterday for the first time. His car wouldn't start so we had to try jump start it but I really didn't hear what he said to me the first couple of times about moving but he started shouting (he doesn't think so) I then tried to reverse park (im not the best parker) and I freak out bit when I mess things up so yeah I did and I did get a bit snappy but the way he shouted at me.... in the middle of the street and banging my car door shut. I felt so embarrassed. The boys were there too. He says I started it but I really felt he was talking down to me from the start (he always says he shouldn't have to repeat himself several times before its heard) Yeah I lost it but I was so angry and embarrassed. We went back upstairs after the car was charged and yeah argued a bit more.... He thinks its all me... I lost the plot and that's why he acted that way (he did say sorry for it) but it was because I acted that way. He says he feels that now im the one that's not moving on from the past incidents!!!! Its my fault!!!! I am trying to hard to make things work but it doesn't seem to be good enough. I wouldn't back down. I was so angry. He says im so stubborn and cant say sorry but to be honest I really haven't feel like I have been in the wrong ????? I'm just starting to freak out encase this is all my fault..... am I acting like this because I just don't feel the same anymore??? Does he have a point??? My friend recently broke up with her bf and I honestly couldn't help thinking that is going to be me soon. He says that we are one and got angry because I didn't "celebrate/recognise" fathers day properly. Fair enough the boys didn't txt early and he didn't see them for a while but I made sure we all went out a walk with the dog and a kick about in the park so we would be together. He had it in his head that I had to do everything for him yesterday??? That I was to treat him??? I'm not going to lie... I never thought about that at all.... he's not my dad!!!! I had already been to the cemetery and yeah he was really good with me and was helping out. He says because we are a "family" that I should be thinking like that..... celebrating It together. Is he asking too much or am I just not ready for this???? He is making me feel that I am a rubbish gf, that I don't really care. I really do feel like I am trying my best. I bought gifts for him from the boys too. Am I being selfish and immature???