Not sure if I can/should be in a relationship right now.

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Not sure if I can/should be in a relationship right now.

Post by DownUnderSausage » Mon Jan 30, 2017 4:17 pm

First post. Desperately need some advice.

Right, the start.

I was in a long term relationship from the age of 14 until about 21 (nearly 24 now) I guess we just grew apart and it ended. For a couple of months. In these months I slept with someone else, she slept with someone else. Then we got back together. After about half a year we broke up again and I started seeing the girl I slept with last time we split. Me and my ex were still talking a lot so I could never fully commit to the new girl (bad I know but I was really confused about what I wanted at this time) so it never really progressed into anything real. Then my ex found a new boyfriend and I was in a really bad place for a while (about 2 months) until I was contacted by the girl I was kind of seeing. We started talking and meeting up again. Fast forward a year, we're in a relationship and living together.

Now, this girl is really good to me. She doesn't have many friends so she's not out all the time getting drunk like most girls her age, she's gorgeous, does all the things a good girlfriend would do (not that I expect it) but she's also the most paranoid, jealous and controlling girl I've ever met, but that's not the main problem.

Lately I've just had a feeling of wanting to be on my own. Pretty much my entire adult life has been spent in a relationship or having to answer to someone in one way or another. I'm not gunna pretend like other women aren't part of the reason I'm feeling this way, but it is by no means the main or only reason. I even think that sometimes I just wanna get home from work put my feet up and just be on my own for the night. Just the little things like watching what I want on tv, being able to play video games when I want. I know it sounds silly but I've never really had that kind of freedom. Not to mention going out with friends (if I have any left) when I want and all the things I missed out on due to being in such a long relationship from a young age.

On the other hand I genuinely love this girl, we've been through a fair bit considering the time we've been together. The thought of hurting her makes me feel sick and the thought of her getting over me and being with someone else makes me feel worse. What if I experience being on my own and I hate it? I don't want to spend years regretting ending it only to realise I made a huge mistake.

I often think I didn't give myself enough time to get over my ex before getting in to a serious relationship and now that I'm over it, my feelings towards a relationship have shifted.

Sorry for the life story but any advise would be truly appreciated.


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Re: Not sure if I can/should be in a relationship right now.

Post by snail » Tue Jan 31, 2017 11:23 am

This is a difficult situation; there are several possible complications, like your age and the previous relationship. Whatever choice you make, you can't guarantee you won't regret it, but usually you know in your gut what the right thing to do is.

To be fair, she is probably jealous and controlling because of what has happened between you in the past - she never feels secure. That would probably diminish over time if you stayed together and she felt you were committed.

One thing that struck me from your post was that you only seemed to want to be with his girl when you couldn't be with your first girlfriend. You didn't choose to be solely with her - in fact you left the relationship and went back to it more than once. I think if you really thought she was amazing and the one for you, that wouldn't have happened.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Not sure if I can/should be in a relationship right now.

Post by Tarantula » Tue Jan 31, 2017 12:54 pm

Snail has hit it on the head.

I think the fact of you posting this is the beginning of a process that's ultimately gonna end with you breaking up, for all the reasons above.

You should definitely experience being single whilst you're still young. Go out, be free, find yourself, meet other women, play video games - do you - and in time none of this will matter anymore. You know you felt a little rush when you read the words - like, give yourself permission to go and do what you so obviously wanna do.

Is there a deeper reason as to why you've always been in a relationship and find it scary to be alone? If it's just how things happened then ok - we all love the comfort of being in a steady thing - but, if you find that you HAVE to be with someone no matter what, then there's a problem with your neediness level which could drive you to make poor relationship choices in future. Just putting it out there.

Your gf is reacting because of the past and also because she can just feel it, on some level, that you're not fully into it. By dragging this out, you will only be hurting her slowly, wasting valuable time and prolonging the inevitable.

Although I usually can't stand this phrase, 'YOLO', and you know what you gotta do.

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