Pathetic of me, but I don't know how to end it......

[gillbee]

I am in a relationship, which I've posted about before on another thread. To cut a long story short, my partner left his wife for me two years ago and has been living with me ever since. The relationship hasn't been happy, he's been extremely verbally abusive on many, many occasions and is jealous, controlling and possessive. I've only stayed in a relationship with him because I felt so guilty about him leaving his wife. Any feelings I had for him have long gone and now I just find him annoying, clingy and needy. For about two months now he's been absolutely perfect towards me, but it's too little too late. I find him so pitiful and pathetic now he's stopped being a blustering bully, I can't find the strength to tell him it's over. I tried last week and he sat up all night wrapped in a blanket, crying. I couldn't stand it any more so I said I'd try to carry on. I went back on Facebook over Christmas, after a year away (prompted by him trawling through ancient posts from 6/7 years ago and accusing me of all sorts), to find I'd received a message in September 2015 and hadn't seen, from a girl who said her mum had been in a relationship with him for four years, whilst he was married, and had been absolutely horrible to her mum - basically treated her the same as he treated me for most of our relationship. He'd never mentioned this relationship to me at all, whilst insisting I told him the ins and outs of every relationship I'd ever had in my life, and apparently he continued pestering the girl's mum for the first year or more whilst he was with me. Honestly I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to end this and tell him he's to leave my house and find somewhere on his own - he says he has no one but me as his son won't talk to him, and he's not that close (although not unfriendly) with his own brother and sister. Can anyone give me some pointers? I'm getting palpitations now even thinking about this but honestly I can't carry on - it's not fair on him. Any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated!

[David020549]

I don't think you are pathetic at all, when you have a man that is known to be a manipulating bully if you boot him out it could get quite nasty. Because he is now behaving better, he probably thinks in his head that he has done enough to be allowed to stay, so telling him to leave might make him very aggressive, so take care.
As you don't mention any other man do you have a parent, brother or son that can back you up to make sure you are safe, you might also decide to move house without him, whatever you do make a plan and be careful.

[gillbee]

Thanks for replying David - I have a male friend who's the best friend I've ever had, though I've had to keep contact secret for the last couple of years obviously. I know I can rely on him to help and your suggestion of moving house without him (my partner) is a good one. As you say, I need to plan but I've been hoping (in vain) that he'd catch me in some imagined misdemeanour, throw a tantrum and I'd feel justified in telling him to leave immediately. I don't think this is going to happen as he's currently walking on eggshells around me, obviously having picked up on my total lack of feelings for him. Thanks again

[Celebritydiscodave]

He would be a virtual psychopath, if not he experiences emotions, virtual psychopath because you seem to be able to tick most of the boxes for what a psychopath is. You have some evidence of these traits being sustained as well. I`d describe him as deeply disturbed, perhaps psychotic, not the material for relationships. Get out, like yesterday, that`s my advice, for he`ll definitely take you down with him. If you enjoy it stick around a bit longer it may do him some good. Likely belongs in hospital, not that he`d probably be eligible for any help at all with all the mental health cutbacks. I`m not serious, I do n`t think that sticking it out is going to help his cause any more than your own. The post above, yes, all of that is absolutely word perfect by my reckoning as well.

[gillbee]

Thanks CDD, I appreciate you taking the time to answer. Sticking it out isn't an option it's just finding the courage and strength to tell him to go and stick to my guns. It WILL happen because either he goes or I end up completely insane, and I can't allow that to happen! Thanks again

[Celebritydiscodave]

The biggest problem/obstacle in the way of one`s escape, is love, but love when directed the wrong way is nothing more than meaningless emotion. Even when directed the right way it may be no more than being in love with the notion of love, and therefore the need. The only strictly genuine love form is that love which is truly genuine unconditional friendship. It is controlled emotion though, so one can always escape, first to friends, and then just to the memory.

[thething]

gillbee start ur next relationship being sure of yourself, never hide a friendship or ANYTHING else with anyone. be positive, i have been on the recieving end of the break up before and it seems harsh but it made me stronger, i also have broken off a relationship that was not working but am still friends with the person (4 year relationship) people really do respect you for being truthful with them even though it doesnt feel like it at the time. you sound like you want the guy to be happy in a way but know its not gonna be with you. tell him like that...u guys will miss each other and be sad...but you both will get over it...sometimes surprisingly quick.