Do people ever really change?

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Do people ever really change?

Postby gillbee » Mon Dec 19, 2016 2:44 pm

I really need some help and some neutral input! My partner left his wife to live with me two years ago. For the first eighteen months he was a nightmare, distrustful of me to the point I started to leave my phone upstairs when he went to bed if I was staying up, so that he knew I couldn't be texting or messaging anyone. I came off Facebook because he was trawling through my posts going back to 2008 then ringing or texting me at work asking why I'd posted a particular comment, was it to attract men, (nothing was in the slightest bit flirtatious or suggestive by the way). He was also verbally abusive and I've lost count of the number of times he's embarrassed me in public by shouting and calling me names, the worst incident was when a hotel receptionist called the police because my partner had threatened him when he was trying to help me as my partner had thrown me out of our hotel room because he said an Elvis tribute act that we'd seen had been singing directly at me (he hadn't). I'm a 57 year old with a good job and my own house, and up until this I would've said I was a strong woman. I really can't explain why I'm still in a relationship with him, apart from the fact that he'd left his wife and home for me and I feel so guilty about this and the fact that his 19 year old son won't speak to him still, two years down the line. Over the last four months his behaviour has improved tremendously and he says he's mortified at the way he's behaved towards me in the past. I feel I'm at a crossroads because I still feel guilt at him leaving his home, yet I can't forgive the humiliation he's subjected me to and the hurtful, nasty comments. He still doesn't trust me an inch by the way, though I've never ever done him any wrong. I'm planning to go out for a couple of hours on Friday with two friends, and this has been mentioned every day since I told him my plans, he's been asking me if I intend kissing any men and why he can't come with us, though it's a girls lunch out. I'm trying to get through Christmas with as little aggravation as possible and then review the relationship, which (if I'm honest) I want to end. I can't live my life under surveillance, with regular interrogations but somehow I'm not hard enough to tell him that he needs to go and get his own place and hopefully build some bridges with his son. I don't even look forward to nights out or holidays any more because he always seems to find a reason to kick off at me and there's simply no reasoning with him at the time. I've tried to tell him how I feel but he just says it's all in the past, he's had a lot to deal with, and he's not that person that he was when he first left his home. I haven't told him this, but I feel it's simply too late and his behaviour has completely killed my feelings for him and I have no respect for him any more. I'd really appreciate a bit of feedback if anyone feels able to help!
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Re: Do people ever really change?

Postby Tarantula » Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:32 pm

I think you've got the right idea. Time to cut loose and move on.

Well, actually, the time to cut loose was a great deal of time ago. One thing that struck me whilst reading your post, is that you were prepared to stay and endure when he was treating you very badly... and it's only when he improves that you decide to leave! Did you notice that? It's like, now that he's improving, you're suddenly uncomfortable and want to leave; if he had stayed at the same level as before, would you still be feeling ready to leave now?

What I'm really asking is, do you have a predisposition to being treated badly, and do you go off men when things get better? Just food for thought.

Anyway he's still not really good enough if you can't go for a lunch with your friends without him causing problems. Life's too short. If you feel like leaving, I think that's the best thing to do. By the way, hate to say it but chances are he isn't exactly innocent himself. You know what they say about those who point the finger.
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Re: Do people ever really change?

Postby Country Joe » Mon Dec 19, 2016 9:18 pm

Indeed those that live in glass houses and all that! Never a good standpoint to build a relationship from either when a guy leaves his wife for someone else! How on earth can that someone else ever trust him knowing that and that given a similar set of circumstances he would do the same to you! He's clearly an insecure and jealous control freak and you can't nurture love and trust under that umbrella.

Assuming a crossover point between you & his wife may have occurred then naturally you'll be feeling guilty and given his selfish behaviour your on a hiding to nothing in my honest opinion!
This sounds more like an ordeal than a relationship, he doesn't trust himself so how can he ever trust others! he needs therapy!

Find the courage to end this as it's really no way to exist. be kind to yourself and begin to grow again...learn from it and never compromise being controlled!
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Re: Do people ever really change?

Postby gillbee » Tue Dec 20, 2016 8:51 am

Thank you, both of you. And you're right, it's time to cut loose and be strong. I can't believe I've allowed myself to get into this situation. And Tarantula, I spent 20 years married to a selfish man-child so I think maybe you're right - I've got so used to coming second in a relationship I don't know how to put myself first. Time for a crash course in learning I think. And the point you make about those who point the finger has occurred to me many times - phone permanently on silent, never off Facebook etc. etc. Country Joe, yes I do feel guilty of course and in the days when he was having a major tantrum in public or private, that was his get out, that he'd given up everything for me including his son......but that was also his choice, which he doesn't seem to see. Thank you both again for taking the time to read and respond, I appreciate it very much x
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Re: Do people ever really change?

Postby Country Joe » Tue Dec 20, 2016 5:45 pm

Your very welcome a New year & a new you, the only way is up :-)
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Re: Do people ever really change?

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:33 pm

He sounds on the sociopathic side, possibly more than a little - Even sociopaths will treat you nicely if it enables them more control. My best guess is that his former partner was treated even worse than you have been. I`m not suggesting that he is an actual sociopath, only that he may be carrying some significant sociopathic traits. The question is, does he control for controls sake, sociopathic, or is it merely a by-product of his insecurity? Perhaps he has treated you badly for reason of feeling inadequate, or otherwise, perhaps his hostility belongs under the same sociopathic umbrella? I would only continue this one if you enjoy social work enough to make it your hobby. To make that choice one would likely already be a brilliant natural one, not that naturals would likely ever get any actual credit of course. If there is something which you enjoy more do that instead.
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Re: Do people ever really change?

Postby gillbee » Thu Dec 29, 2016 8:52 am

Thank you discodave! You've made me laugh my head off with the bit about enjoying social work enough to make it your hobby :-D. Over Christmas I've been observing him and he honestly has some serious mental issues. He's on his best behaviour right now, as he's obviously picked up on my complete lack of interest in him (even though he seemed to think he could re-ignite it with ostentatious and over the top Christmas gifts).
Yesterday I went back on Facebook, the first time in almost a year and saw a message in my "other" inbox (as the lady who sent it wasn't one of my FB friends). She informed me that my partner and her mother had had a relationship for four years (whilst he was still married of course) and he treated her mother terribly, vile verbal abuse, controlling, sent her messages calling her awful names if she posted something he didn't approve of on Facebook etc. etc. etc. Apparently he's still messaging her mum and won't give up. I won't say I'm surprised because I'm not, just angry at all the accusations he's hurled at me when I truly haven't ever put a foot wrong. However, I'm keeping this information to myself for now while I try and find out if he's been messaging other women as well as this lady. Then I'm going to tell him to get his stuff and find somewhere to live, and go and stay with my sister for a week. He's clearly got very serious issues, and as you say, shows sociopathic traits. I just want him out of my life but I know it's going to be a battle as he won't give up easily! Thanks again and all the best for 2017 :)
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