should I marry him or start over - HELP!

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should I marry him or start over - HELP!

Postby paperhat83 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 4:36 pm

should I marry my boyfriend or move to another city and start again.

hi im 34 and im going out with my boyfriend for about 3 years, hes 39. we talked a lot about getting married rencenty I actually thought he was about to propose however instead I foud out he cheated on me with 2 women a few motnhs apart, one of the women was married whos husband caught them and he told me about it. the other he meet up wth and kissed.both cheating espoiods were very much planned ie. it wasn't a drunken one night stand,

I obviously dumped him, I was devastated but started dating and was actually getting on ok, during this time he was begging me back for 4 months, crying, sayng how sorry he was, how much he has grown up and leanrt a serious life lession and wants to marry me etc I decided to give him another go, a few motnhs later he proposed to me and I said yes.

Im however not over anything that happened, I think about it daily and am not sure I should marry someone who could do that on me.

he has since bought us a house and is working very hard for us to move in together and then get married sometime next year,

I can relocate with the company I work with to a nearby city which has a very lively dating scene. a city I actually love and turned down working in a year earlier for my boyfriend.

However im 34 I want children and a family I feel like starting over again I might miss out on having a family, by the time I meet someone new and get married il be 36 if im lucky.if I meet anyone at all.

he really does seemed to have changed and wised up allot, im just scared he could do something like this again when we are married with kids and then il regret giving him a second chance not moving to a new city and starting over.

I just don't know should I move in with him and marry him? or leave and start all over again?

I really need help
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Re: should I marry him or start over - HELP!

Postby Tarantula » Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:24 pm

Didn't you post this before? Under a different username perhaps?

Same stance. Glad you dumped him, should've stayed away though. You will always have doubts. Why do you want children? Do you think it will improve your relationship?

You should only have kids when your relationship is completely secure - you don't trust him, and with good reason. That's why you need to walk away. You will almost definitely end up in a position, say, before the kid's 12th birthday, when you think back on this and wish you'd made the more courageous choice; any children you have with this guy will suffer from the issues you're having in your relationship now.

You should never have kids because of timing only. If that means not having kids at all, then so be it. Much better that than to bring someone into the world you or your relationship are not ready for. Frankly, we have enough children growing up in adoptive or single-parent families as it is and although some of those parents do a terrific job, it's not the ideal scenario to gamble with your kid's welfare just because YOU want to have kids.

I don't know how much thought you've really given to having kids or how mentally/emotionally/financially/spiritually ready you are to raise a baby, child, teenager and young adult - but I do feel sure that your relationship will not handle the pressure of a child...

... Which is about the time he'll end up in somebody else's wife's you-know-what again. Sorry. But the stakes are high.

My vote is, start over, learn from all of this, hopefully end up with a more secure relationship you can bring a child to IN DUE COURSE, but also be willing to accept that maybe having a kid isn't the best idea if you're only doing it because you feel rushed. By the way, plenty of children are waiting to be adopted. But everybody likes their own brand, don't they?
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Re: should I marry him or start over - HELP!

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Fri Nov 18, 2016 11:50 pm

Of course it is possible to change, also to realize that you love somebody late on in a relationship, to realize just how much you love somebody, and for genuine love, the kind of love that could never go where he went, to tip the scales in your favor. The reverse is also possible, it`s possible to change in the reverse direction. Put him off and measure his reaction. Tell him that you want a platonic relationship for an indefinite period, but at the same time, of course that you love his company, and will remain loyal to him. By this means you`ll discover whether his so called changing is merely an entrapment add on to that person which you already know, or whether in fact he is all that these circumstances of him are having you believe. I have n`t got a clue how this experiment would play out, but have you? Guys that ultimately are only concerned to satisfy their own egos are not patient, whereas guys that are truly genuine possess all the patients in the world. It would also be useful to speak with one of these females that he went with whilst with you. You need to know what, if anything, he said about you. This might have been a master plan which was revealed only to them. Stay in touch! In reality it is actually impossible to know everything about him on the basis of such a tiny amount of information, trust me.
Last edited by Celebritydiscodave on Sat Nov 19, 2016 11:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Re: should I marry him or start over - HELP!

Postby snail » Sat Nov 19, 2016 8:24 pm

I don't think that you should let concerns about having a family impact on your decision - do what you really want, in your heart, to do. I think 34 is too young to stay with someone you're not happy with just for the hope of a biological child - you do have quite a bit of time, and fertility medicine does offer other options these days anyway.

If you want to give him another chance because you feel it's definitely the right thing for you, then do that. But it sounds as though you still need to talk about what happened - would he agree to sit down and discuss it, or maybe see a relationship counsellor together? But if you'd really, deep down, rather be with someone else then go for that.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: should I marry him or start over - HELP!

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Sun Nov 20, 2016 12:09 am

I do n`t think that him talking about it or the two of you going to see a counselor is likely to make a difference to anything here. In my view any age is too young to stick with the wrong person, and one should never wittingly introduce a child into such an environment. Why was it that you did n`t get on with him?

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