Violent girlfriend

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Violent girlfriend

Postby Davcam » Tue Nov 08, 2016 5:00 am

I will start by setting an honest scene. I'm 32 and my girlfriend is 28. We had a romance when we were 10 years younger and I messed her around being young and stupid. Anyway she found out I had been on holiday with my ex girlfriend very recently before me and her started dating. In her mind this casts doubt over my feelings for my ex, even tho it was not really a holiday as such, more of an opportunity to tie up loose ends in a setting which wasn't the same 4 walls we had all our disagreements in. Anyway I'm not sure the reason really matters but recently for my birthday my current girlfriend and I went to Mexico . This subject came up and she just went into a rage. She swung at me, aiming for my face repeatedly, over and over even tho I kept telling her to stop. She connected with the side of my head and my body a few times leaving me with many nail scratches. I tried to hold her on the floor to restrain her and she sunk her teeth into my forearm. I still have the teeth marks/ scars 3 weeks later. She was uncontrollable, and being in a foreign country, not sure what she would do or say, I started recording discreetly (or so I thought) on my phone. She then turned off the aggression like a switch when she knew I was filming her. Even saying "I love you" and smiling to the camera. I have to admit, I've only been able to bring myself to watch it once since I've been back, and it's kinda creepy that she can do that. It seems she couldn't keep it up for long as she continued walking towards me, as I was walking back saying to her to "keep away" but she swung at me again, which I have recorded. The violence stopped for a while until I said I wouldn't be going home on an earlier flight with her, then she jumped off the bed and went for me again. Amongst the chaos defending myself I'm pretty sure the back of my hand connected with her face and she even threatened to take it further against me if I said anything,as she had a small bruise in the corner of her eye. Although going by what I have on tape she wouldn't have a leg to stand on if she did that. Since she has been absolutely normal, but if I bring up her actions that night, she deflects it to what made her angry at me, and focuses on that instead. Should this behaviour be ignored as something I did upset her to start with set her off? I've noticed she has been getting very jealous of me meeting my friends, even tho I invited her but due to work commitment couldn't come too. Just this alone resulted her crying and slamming the door on me when I went to work. She has also pretty much told me meeting one of my female friends (and old housemate) is out of the question unless she is there. I just don't know what to do as these seem like warning signs that if a mate told me, I'd tell him to run a mile. But without sounding cliche I love her and really saw myself with her before this.
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby snail » Wed Nov 09, 2016 1:22 pm

I would agree that these are worrying warning signs. She is already jealous, unreasonable, possessive, and sometimes violent, but also completely in denial about her own behaviour.

I would bring the violent incident up again and suggest something like anger management classes or relationship counselling - partly to see how she reacts. If she is open to the idea of doing something to reassure you, that is a good sign. If she still refuses to admit it was any kind of a problem, to be honest I would end the relationship. If the genders were reversed (this was a man becoming physically violent and possessive towards a woman) you wouldn't hesitate to take action.
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Sun Nov 20, 2016 12:27 am

I`d definitely first require to know what her prospective is on all of this. Is it possible that she is the person of your creation? When you were messing her around could that possibly have included knocking her around. The messing her around itself, is it not possible that you caused her grave psychological harm, that you have seriously abused her mentally? If all of this is negative do n`t hesitate, you owe her nothing, so get out immediately. Restrain her whenever necessary, show her love and empathy, but never ever hit her back. You conceded to hitting her this one time so I find it hard to believe that you have not both hit her and pushed her around many times. These are merely words on a page so if there is more you should reveal it. Were you the one that first introduced this violence?
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby Davcam » Thu Nov 24, 2016 1:44 am

No, I would never hit her. It's not in my nature. The onslaught she inflicted upon me on that holiday, if it were the other way around, I would have been led out in cuffs. She had the slightest bruise in the corner of her eye, and believe me if I was going to hit someone it wouldn't be able to be covered up with a bit of makeup. I'm not a small guy and if I had meant to hit her there would be no hiding it really. In fact I'm surprised purely from me deflecting all her blows I didn't make any other contact with her by chance. When I refer to messing her around when I was younger I purely mean by not being faithful. I think I was 21 then and she was 17 or 18. I feel we are different people now and I should be given a clean slate, especially if she chooses to have a relationship with me.

She has since said she will go to couple counciling, and (I would say reluctantly) anger management classes. I'm really questioning if you loved someone would you hit them at all? I can't imagine doing that ever. I have been so angry at my ex, but striking out at her would not even enter my head. I'm just left wondering if these anxieties she has (potentially from our past) in her head gives her justification to be controlling and abusive this time around, over 10 years later. Do you think there's something to be saved or am I in denial?

Thanks for taking the time to reply guys
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby johnay » Thu Nov 24, 2016 1:47 pm

I think it's worth trying the counselling and anger management because you will be able to see how genuinely your girlfriend wants to change.. Anyone who has those sorts of issues would be keen to get it sorted out especially if they want a long term relationship and possibly children.
If she's not really wanting to effect change then my alarm bells would be ringing big time. Violence in a relationship is completely unacceptable and those levels of jealousy are not normal are they?.These pages are filled with folks who have suffered at the hands of control freaks if you read back through them and a number have had their self confidence and worth badly affected. Personally I would be thinking twice about the long term nature of this relationship especially if marriage and children were being contemplated. I wouldn't want my children growing up thinking that violence was normal and potentially carrying it on to the next generation.
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Thu Nov 24, 2016 7:33 pm

Many, possibly most, young women that get beaten by their boyfriends do n`t even formerly complain, so degree of damage does n`t always even enter into the equation where it concerns their partners. Under these circumstances, and taking it that the police are called out by neighbours, the penalty is one single might in a cell. We should expect that the penalty would be the same for a female.
What concerns me from your account is that you speak of deflecting blows, defencive fighting with her, rather than holding on to her arms until she calms down. If you want her to stop fighting you try first not fighting her. You are far stronger than her, more than enough to over power her, so know, it should not have happened that you cut her eye. Are you quite certain that you do n`t both require counselling for the same thing? I do n`t disbelieve you, but remember, these are only words on a page, and there is an endless selection of communication equally available to both the most innocent, and the most guilty, both. Is it the case then that she simply walks up to you out of nowhere and starts landing blows? It is vital to go through this process first because being beaten by a girlfriend is generally no worse than very unpleasant for the guy, but is often life threatening when beatings are reversed on the girl. Virtually every women beater blames the girl!
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby johnay » Thu Nov 24, 2016 11:44 pm

I'm sorry to disagree with the above poster but women can mange to inflict an awful lot of damage to another person. It can be very unpleasant especially if a weapon is used too. Violence isn't acceptable whatever your gender is..and as is so often the case the victim should not be being blamed when trying to defend themselves...
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Fri Nov 25, 2016 7:51 pm

The victim? They all claim to be the victim, and most especially psychopathic women beaters, they are the very best at deception. Men claim to be the victim, many of them, rather than coming to terms with their reality, and certainly rather than family and friends knowing what they have become. The stakes are not nearly so high for women, because it is so much easier for them to argue self defence. I`ve been at the other end of a violent girlfriend, and even when she took a knife to me there was still no earthly reason for hitting her. As for knifes however, the average girl that hits, or hits back, does not do so with a knife. It has become trendy to imagine that females are as physically dangerous as males, but here we are talking about the exception, and not the rule. The statistics for female attacks are totally meaningless anyway because many of the men that hit their partners in probability put their hand up first. I can refer to actual examples of this behavior. An x lodger here has had several attempts made on her life by a psychopathic killer, officially considered the perfect family man, God`s gift to women, etc. and it was he, not her herself, that made the only complaint. Many women, like her, never complain. The first possible excuse for a complaint is serviced. The second worst nightmare for men is being thought of as an attacker of females. He used an "incident" of her pushing past him to escape another sausage beating. He regularly beat her to a pulp. This then was yet another point for men being beaten up by girls. Mens chest and shoulder muscles are typically at least five times as strong as their partners. One of the biggest strength distinctions between males and females is in the power of the punch. They also tend to have longer reach, and tend to being potentially more physically aggressive. Taking it that Davcom is opposed to girls being beaten to a sausage pulp by blokes, which I do genuinely believe that he is, and innocent with it, he will most definitely support me in this approach. This is the right approach each and every time, because many assailants are looking to reinforce a warped reality. It is the right approach if only because on occasion a life will very definitely be saved. You cannot save lives merely falling off a stone, trust me.
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby johnay » Fri Nov 25, 2016 8:40 pm

I was responding to this particular query when I posted . If we are to believe the poster then it would appear that he is the victim here. I don't know as I wasn't there. However ONS statistics report that about 40% of victims of domestic violence are men although as you point out they may not suffer as harshly as women. But it is also reported that violence against men is often not reported and not taken seriously either..
But I have to report a work colleague who came in one day and was laughing about the previous evening when her boyfriend had said she was fat. He went into the shower and when he stepped out she floored him with one punch....Yeah there are lots of men who are thugs and have been brought up to be aggressive etc. Equally there are many men who have been brought up to always treat women as ladies and would never retaliate in any way.. It's very easy to make stereotypical statements and judgements based on our own experiences and attitudes..And I stand by what I said in that violence is not acceptable whatever your gender is
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby peecee » Fri Nov 25, 2016 9:42 pm

Celebritydiscodave, I wonder if you would like to start a discussion in a new, separate thread?

Johnay has posted what I think are very reasonable responses to Davcam's specific problem, and Davcam has given much consideration and answers to Discodave's questions. Now - this thread relates to Davcam's query, not some theoretical idea of how people might or not behave.

My gentle brother, in poor health, married a psychopathic woman who abused him in every way possible, until he died. Which is why I couldn't reply to you, Davcam, even though I can and I will when I get home from a weekend with my sister for our brother's anniversary. I don't want to take over your thread, but I will definitely add to it.

I'll probably edit or delete this post tomorrow! :) just saying - this is YOUR thread, Davcam.

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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby Davcam » Sat Nov 26, 2016 2:03 am

I wouldn't have made this post to try to get sympathy from strangers if I was a secret woman beater. My problem is she hit me, many times, I had scratches all over my body, some just missing my eyes. It's very easy to say 'just restrain her' but we were in the confines of a hotel room, I couldn't hold her in one place the whole night. And she would fire up again eventually upon release and come at me again. I have the video proof of this which clearly shows me walking away and her coming after me then lashing out. I really appreciate what everybody has said so far, but celebritydiscodave- can you just assume for a second I am the victim, as I feel like you've gone on a bit of a tangent, what advice would you give then? I genuinely am stuck. One thing I forgot to mention is that she said her ex boyfriend beat her. I am now thinking was she the real perpetrater and did he just retaliate one day. Which she is using to paint her as the victim (of which I saw a snippet of this intention in our argument) I really can't imagine a pre- beaten woman behaving like this in a new relationship. I have seen no physical signs since, now 5 weeks. Do you think it makes a difference if she had had a good few drinks at the time? I don't mean in the sense of what she did was ok, but should I give more lenience to the fact that she may have behaved out of character?
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby johnay » Sat Nov 26, 2016 6:10 am

Hey DaveCam I guessed you weren't posting here to get sympathy and it was obvious to me that you wanted serious advice and help in a situation you were finding hard to understand. Thanks for guiding us through your problems and the situation as clearly as you have and I will try to give my advice solely to you. I hope I make sense and help.
Yes you are a victim and require support and understanding and remember it's not your fault. You know what you experienced and how you describe it is both problematic but also something you want to understand. I originally suggested that you encourage the counselling so that you can judge the commitment for change and understand how committed your partner is to remedy her lapses into violence. It really does need tackling and its easy to blame alcohol. I agree that alcohol can make some people more prone to be aggressive but not always violent but it may be a one off. But it's very worrying that she found it okay to potentially ruin a foreign holiday by being violent with you. I wonder how much she has admitted to with regard to her behaviour and has she shown remorse and run through her problems without blaming someone else. Random violence and jealousy are bad to cope with..How committed are you to a future together?? If its a big commitment then you really have to lay ground rules and state a need for change otherwise it all needs to end.. living with a violent person is not what most folks want and many men like yourself have been brought up well to never ever contemplate violence of any kind with a woman wouldn't necessarily accept this.. I think you need to tread carefully and be prepared for it all to end if change doesn't happen. But professional help is definitely needed for your partner come what may.
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Sat Nov 26, 2016 10:07 am

What to add? - Next time try swiftly moving into and around her, holding her from behind. Once she has calmed ask her for the detail of her emotions, and then have the conversation as to where they may have originated. Hold her often, speak with her of her emotions more often. Has she a troubled distant past, in childhood? Sto where it becomes emotionally problematic for you. This is where a professional must take over.
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Re: Violent girlfriend

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Sat Nov 26, 2016 11:27 am

Yes, drink makes certain individuals violent, violence that would n`t occur without the drink.. I`d still suggest to the same approach, it did n`t begin in drink, and insuring that you control the social environment away from where alcohol is served. Further help than this is obviously required to curb a drinking habit. Should she become agitated easily and demonstrate aggression routinely suggest that you both take up squash, or join a gym which deploys punch bags. Have regular workouts with her, blended with hugs if she`ll go there.
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