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Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2016 1:06 pm
by Lee R
Hey guys

New user here, and I apologise in advance for the length of this and that I may sound a touch selfish at times

To give you the background I am a 37 year old (just a week and half ago) male who is married and has been for 2 years, we have been together for 6 and half.

The thing is I am so desperate to be a dad one day, I think this is driven by the hatred I have for my biological dad who I disowned a good 15 years ago(and should have done when he cheated on my mum in late 80's to be honest) I won't disclose why but it makes me so badly want to raise my own child/children and not let them down like he let me down - this is literally everything to me (that sounds bad doesn't it?!)

However my wife and I did have plans with 2 or 3 years of getting married to have a child but she has decided she wishes to pursue a career in health which means her taking a university degree (which all being well she will start in sep 17), its a 2 year degree so I've already come to terms with the fact I have at least another 4 or 5 year wait now (ie by time she does her college/uni then qualifies and is in her job a year or so) by then I will be 41 or 42 (she is 5 years younger than me) - I couldn't be more happier for her in that respect as know how much it means to her.

To say I am having horrendous mood swings about this is an understatement, sometimes I feel totally fine and look at the bigger picture, others I just feel despair coz I'm giving up on ever being a dad, this causes me to feel proper jealous of friends I know with children (this can stem from just seeing family pics of my wifes best friend with her husband and their 2 kids or others I know with children on facebook) and I feel truly terrible about that. these mood swings just make me feel like either stuffing my face or getting drunk when I feel real down about it (or having thoughts about worse)

I cant really talk to my wife about this as it causes arguments (she actually walked out on me for 1 night the other week to stay at her mum and dads because of it) our sex life is non existent at present because we only allow ourselves to try when she is on her TOTM (and at times that's impossible because shes often on nights with her job at that time), other times are out of the question as we have talked about contraceptive methods but she is reluctant to get the pill or implant back in (because of weight gains, we have both lost 5 stone plus since last year) and I have in past had issues with not getting on with condoms (though am desperate to retry that as an option following the loss of weight)

So am posting on here as isn't really anyone I feel I can talk to about this, am wondering if anyone has been in similar situation as to how they have dealt with it, or whether I am just a selfish sod for feeling this way (I wont be offended if anyone thinks that)

I could post a little more but think I will leave it there

Cheers for listening guys

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2016 5:01 pm
by Mrconfused74
Has your wife just dismissed it as you being selfish? Or has she given valid reasons for not wanting children right now? As you say she is younger than you and may well think that she has time to get a career before she becomes a mum. But who knows in a year she may well think differently and decide she wants to be a mum.
With regard the contraception she could well be angry that you aren't considerate of her feelings towards it, if she's been on a pill or injection for sometime and now feels better coming off it, she may well think you should take responsibility for finding an alternative. Whilst reverting to condoms can be a hassle, as it doesn't feel the same, may kill the passion, or affects you, perhaps it's a suitable compromise, on her part. By taking responsibility for this she may see that you are caring for her feelings and perhaps relax. Sex may also feel like a chore as she knows how you feel in wanting children whereas she may just want to enjoy being close to you.

In all a lot of this is in your control, don't make it about what you want, but what you both want, support her, be there for her, and most of all treat her like a wife and lover not a potential baby carrier. There is also the fact that a better career for her may well make for a better more stable setting for when you do start a family. The fact is there is a rift between the two of you, and when you feel down and try to talk about it, what you say may sound selfish and so she will become defensive. But you do need to talk about it, if you feel you can't write down what you want to say, and read it too her, asking her to listen and wait till you've finished before she responds, this way you both have a chance to talk without the fear of interruption which inevitably leads to arguments.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 8:37 am
by Trevaskiss
Hi Lee

I can't give much advise on the whole having children thing as I don't (and can't) have any myself, but all I can say is that there is plenty of time!

Without going into detail, one of my friends - his sister started her family when she was 40. Both her and her husband wanted to have some stability as they both had really good careers (he was in the forces and she was progressing within her job) and wanted a more stable life to bring their children up than they had when they were in their 30's. When he left the forces, they started trying.

And to be honest, they've said on more than one occasion that waiting was the best thing they ever did.

Don't ever ever give up on being a dad though - just be patient and try to control the mood swings and I'm sure your time will come and I bet you'll be a great dad.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 7:46 pm
by johnay
I have a few things to say as an older person. Firstly congratulations on both losing weight and getting hopefully fitter and healthier. It's a lot easier to make babies inf you are both like this. I'm guessing you are both still coming to terms with the new you. As a man I totally feel for you with this yearning for children and know that being a father was the most important thing I wanted and did in my life. It was so much more important than any job or career for me. I was willing to give up work to bring up children if my wife hadn't wanted to but she didn't. In fact my wife wasn't that keen on having children at one point but we went on to have four so don't give up hope. Are you in a position to be a stay at home Dad or the main child carer?? Maybe that's a possibility for your situation.

I'm of the opposing opinion however that you don't have the luxury of a lot of time as women's fertility does start to decline through their 30s. Not everyone is fertile into their 40s. I wouldn't want to wait personally and gamble with ending up childless but that's me and my opinion.

As for not being able to talk things through successfully.. It does sound to me that you aren't getting on well if your wife is going home to Mum after an argument and that you contemplate consuming too much food or alcohol to comfort yourself. I'd be tempted to get some counselling or independent advice for you to move on. You need to be able to talk through your differing viewpoints without one of you storming out of your home. Added to a problematic sex life it worries me that things aren't going well between you. You need to talk about all of that too..It's not good for you not to be having a sex life. It can make relationships sour and depression and low self esteem can set in. I'm guessing you need a bit of counselling with regard to that as well. Is your wife avoiding sex so she doesn't get pregnant?? I'm getting the feeling that's the case..

Condoms aren't that bad believe me. We eventually used them in our mid 30s as my wife felt much better off the Pill. They do take a bit of time to get used to but after a few months you do get used to them and they are much better these days in terms of sensitivity. An active sex life with condoms sounds way better than what you describe.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 1:26 pm
by Lee R
hey guys

Cheers for the replies, not been able to properly log on for a couple of days

With regards to the contraception issues me and my wife fully agreed, in fact I insisted, that she didn't go back on the implant or pill - she came off it a few years back and her biological clock ie TOTM have been normal and it could have possibly reversed PCOS which she was diagnosed with about 3 years ago (the weight loss has also probably helped in that regard)

The problem with me and condoms have been that when the moment comes as soon as I get the condom out my manhood shrinks - I am also not very experienced as my wife is the only girl I have ever been with (I was basically useless with women, or maybe I still am) - again some of this may be down to the weight I have lost since last year and thinner condoms are worth a try (this is something we have agreed)

She didn't go home to mum as such, she went to their house but her folks are living in Scotland at mo so house is empty

I have always said how I would love to be a stay at home parent etc but reality with costs of living etc is that's not possible

Her reasons for not wanting children at mo (which I get) are that she wants to become and ODP nurse which requires her to study college for a year starting sept (to boost her GCSE's) and then go to uni for 2 years next sept - then she will probably wait until at least a year after qualifying as well

We both agreed we shouldn't have unprotected sex ie risk of pregnancy, we've come close a few times but always stop - when she ovulates she tongue in cheek tells me to stay away

I don't feel I can say what I want to say as when it comes to this either I feel my feelings don't count, or what I say she dismisses - so I guess I have to carry on with the whole bottling it up and putting on a front - at times I see the bigger picture etc and understand, other times that's easier said than done hence the mood swings again

And she works nights every 6 weeks, and is working a lot more agency shifts to pay off debt before uni - when college and uni comes into play I guess our time together will be limited further, I'm going to be there for her no matter what, I never have been and never will be a cheat and don't want it to end

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2016 1:36 pm
by Lee R
Thought I would post an update to vent as am having another one of my "down" slumps because of this

So we are off to my brother in laws wedding tomorrow, last night according to my wife (when she had catchup with her parents) he has decided on a change of heart as he didn't want a child and now he does it seems (hes 10 years younger than me) so that's another reason for me to feel envious and that I am being left behind because its OK for anyone else to have children but not me - admittedly my wife has said she wants a child but not yet as in after college and uni (which takes up next 3 years) then she will prob want to be in her job a year or so after uni so that's at the very least another 5 year wait, and by then I will be 42 + so will it be too late for me (yes I am well aware people have children in 40's) - while I would be pleased for them it would just leave me further behind in that stake - upon finding out my younger sister was expecting her first years ago (was only 27 then and was on my own) drove out to a hill top and thought whats point in me being alive - I know its terrible but I feel so envious of people who have babies/young ones, seeing pics of friends/family we know on facebook on their family days out just make me feel worse - I feel I don't belong in this life anymore at times

I just feel so negative but am bottling it up - not like I can talk to wife about it as whenever subject is broached if we row she just tells me to "go and find myself a scrag on benefits to knock a child out with" so this is how its going to be for next 3 or so years, and by her admission she will be fully busy with college and uni work thoughout that time (as well as skint coz she wont be working full time)

I did buy some invisible thin feel durex yesterday but don't hold out much hope on them working, as I said before I was a useless tw*t with women in my younger days and still am now

So the wedding tomorrow I have got to pretend I am fine, field the questions from family who were at our wedding 2 years ago as to when we will have children, 5 years may not seem much but right now it seems so far away if not endless

This all stems from fact my biological dad was/is a useless tw*t - I cut ties with him in 2001 and only regret I have is I didn't do it in 1987 (when he first cheated on my mum) the only thing I feel for him is pure hate and whenever he dies I will celebrate, I hate him that much and him being a useless father with me is spurring me to want to be the best dad - shame I am probably never going to get the chance

Don't know what options I have left - not really got anyone I feel confident about talking to - counselling would be too costly, money is tight as it is and I want to avoid going on anti depressants, been on them years ago and found they made me worse, not too mention varied side effects

I guess I could coin a phrase from the song feel by Robbie Williams at times "I don't want to die, but I aint keen on living either"

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2016 3:09 pm
by Mrconfused74
So you've admitted that money is tight? Not a great environment to bring a baby into is it? You have also been married for just 2 years so got together late as you'd said you were single at 27? Looking from the outside your wife sounds perfectly reasonable, have a child when you are secure financially. Yes it might be later than a lot of people but what you should be doing is using the time you have together now, try and enjoy yourselfs and if possible put a tenner or so a month away for the 'baby' and you'll soon build some savings up. It would also seem as you are too focused on this, when I'm guessing that there is something else? Is sex infrequent? Is it more a chore or is she not interested? You said you don't hold out much hope for using the condoms you bought, what do you mean by that? Putting all your effort into this could well do more harm to your marriage and eventually break it up. Cherish your time with her now as when a child does come along they will be your life.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2016 4:23 pm
by snail
Lee R wrote:because its OK for anyone else to have children but not me... I feel I don't belong in this life anymore at times...Don't know what options I have left

I understand how you feel - really, I do, because I feel precisely the same. First things first - you are physically able to have children, and you are married to someone who wants to have them with you, albeit not now. (I would give anything to have even one of those two things going for me). So your situation isn't as bad as it could be, and there is every reason to hope. Secondly, it's clear that this issue is very tangled up with other issues - most notably your feelings about your father, but also your relationship with your wife. It would really help to iron some of those things out a bit. (Otherwise, I can see you having a child and these unresolved feelings of personal unhappiness and crisis simply metamorphosing into something else - i.e. you feel aren't as good a dad as you want to be and you think you are becoming like your own father etc).

Contact Relate. You can go with your wife or on your own, but they charge based on what you can afford.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2016 5:16 pm
by johnay
Hi you do sound as though you are very down again but do remember that many of us are like that. Having lows and highs is part of the human experience and its easy to let yourself dwell too deeply on those main things that are upsetting you. But hopefully you have lots of good things going on in your life and your posts do indicate those so try and focus on all your positives. I say that as I do recognise a lot of the negative feelings you have as I've had those myself.. But you will feel better if you can work through your downers in a healthy way.

Firstly you mustn't let your poor relationship with your father influence your life and well being otherwise his poor parenting will have won. You must rise above that and you know how to be a much better father/partner than he is because he has shown you what NOT to be as a person. My father's poor parenting gave me so much guidance in that regard.. Always aim to rise above them and succeed in spite of him...

I think snail has hit the nail on the head in that you are in a good marriage but may need to wait your time until your dreams of fatherhood materialise. If you get asked at the upcoming wedding be open and honest. Tell folks that you both are very keen to become parents but your wife wants her career built before you can realise that ambition. It will reinforce your desires to your wife as well if you say it in her presence. If she says to go off with a scrag again do tell her you love her immensely and only ever want a child with her as she is so special. Be positive all round.

As for your relationship with your wife, well it needs some work. I'm guessing you've suffered from self esteem issues for a number of years and it can take over and be a bit self destructive. But you are not alone as a man feeling like this or that you are rubbish at sex. Many of us feel like that. None of us are natural lovers who can perform all night believe me. But we can improve and get better at love making and when you are having a satisfying amount of sex your self esteem will improve a lot. Many men are often very shy about expressing their desires and feelings and that can cause us to get downers too. Do try and be a bit more open with your wife about your feelings and again be as positive as possible..try to boost both of your self esteem. Let's face it you've both lost a lot of weight so you should both feel a lot more active and physical. Try using the condoms as a fun activity. We've all lost some firmness when putting one on at some point in our lives so don't beat yourself up on that one. Try asking your Mrs to put it on for you or just repeat some of you fun activities to get going again..

Do try to make the most of things though as you sound like a kind and caring man. Enjoy these years in your marriage when you have time to build your relationship when there are just the two of you. It will help a lot to know you have lived somewhat before you settle down with kids..

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2016 8:22 pm
by Lee R
Well the time has come for a need to me to unload as am on a downer again for more than one reason although a lot of what I have mentioned is to do with it

We know both my wifes brother and his wife (they got married august) and her cousin and his finacee are both trying for a baby - which no doubt means they will both have an announcement in the coming months (just to rub more salt in the wounds), while we have sets of baby clothes which have been in the house for a couple of months because she bought them for her old friend up north who gave birth 3 months ago - hardly helping my mood keep seeing them.

The whole college and work thing doesn't help either, scenario is at the moment she is at college (which she is doing to get into uni) mon - weds mornings, then at work most (but not all I might add) weeksThursday to sunday for 12 hour shifts, with me being on a 9-5 mon-fri job means we aren't exactly seeing each other much lately - she is having to pick up extra shifts where she can to help pay a loan off before she goes to uni (which is understandable) I do at least have some use as I help her with some college stuff and typing (because I can touch type real quick) - at least me putting efforts into helping her with college stuff takes my mind off things - briefly

sex life is still non existent - the ultra thin invisible condoms I bought with a view to trying back in August you wont be surprised to know are still in the plastic wrapper unopened - TOTM is the only time she will consider sex currently and either I never want to try because I'm not in the mood or am anxious because I have "flopped" a few times or she is on night shifts - constantly curse the fact that I cant get on with condoms or that I didn't play the field when I was younger as more experience probably would have helped me (wife is only woman I have been with). just feel worthless as a man because of all this plenty of people are capable in bed but I am clearly not

And to compound things further we are now getting rid of our Cat who we have had just over a year, this may sound trivial but I love cats and have always wanted to have the perfect family, wife, cat and child/children - would say 1 out of those 3 isn't great but don't think I can even muster calling it 1 out of 3 at the moment - there are practical reasons behind this (we are looking to move to rented flat as opposed to house we currently have in March to cut our rent costs for when she is at uni) but it doesn't stop me feeling sad about it - and again like with the children scenario its OK for others to have a pet cat but not me - and yeah it probably does sound like its a consolation for not having a baby - in a way it is - wife knows how much both mean to me yet just seems determined for us not to have either as no doubt when she does qualify from uni and gets her theatre job she wont want to give job up

Am I bitter - by my own admission at times yes I am - i'm seriously pondering sending my biological dad an abusive letter/message because I blame him for a lot of how I am feeling, I'd love to hurt him physically but I don't have a violent bone in my body but I have never hated anyone so much in my life as I do him - but again some of that is my fault, why didn't I disown him back in 88 like my younger sister did - oh no naïve gullible me just prolonged it until 2002 - to say I regret this is an understatement

and I HATE with a passion dead beat dads who don't give a toss - when I hear about them (the man who got the wifes friend I mentioned above is one) it makes me mad and angry

Wife is on a night shift tonight so am here by myself my parents are 40 miles away so not like they are close by (unlike hers who are round the corner) not that I would tell my parents anyway

I guess being alone at home and venting on here is far better than some thoughts I have had over the last couple of days about jumping in front of a train - as don't believe anyone would miss me - Wife said recently if she did lose me because of the baby issue it would destroy her but I don't believe it - its not like I actually do want to commit suicide although me having these thoughts is alarming me (which makes me feel more down)

I have a feeling I may have depression - but last thing I want to do is go on Anti-depressants coz I remember the effects they had on me when I was on them about 10 years ago - so I just have to try and deal with my down slumps better - at the moment this is just bottling it up and putting on a brave face when I am at home and wife is here - whats the alternative - mention how down I am and why which will just lead to more arguments or threats from her to leave me - she probably knows that I need her more than she needs me and is using that to her advantage

And constantly seeing pics of babies and little ones of various people I know on facebook doesn't help - to the point where I am seriously pondering taking myself off facebook so that I don't have to have reminders of what I will probably never have

guess I just need to snap out of this mood - but how is the question - at the moment posting on here is my only therapy so apologies if it sounds like I'm rambing on about the same things over and over - oh well be off soon for another night of no sleep ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,)

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2016 10:02 am
by Tarantula
By this stage I would be considering divorce. Life's too short to be stuck in a sexless marriage with someone who's spontaneously decided to spend years and years as a student before taking on a very hour heavy job. And hey that's her prerogative it's her life - but where does that leave you?

I can't see how this is going to get better. You still have time to become unstuck and start over.

My current Mr is 37 and was previously in an 8yr relationship/marriage that he clung to way past the expiry date because he felt it was too late to start again. They also had planned to have kids after marriage but she changed her mind when he got cancer and then had affairs whilst he was going through chemotherapy. The doctors told him it was likely he would not be able to have kids, which further devastated him.

Now he's with a hot and spicy 25yo, we are very happy and - just recently - he did a test and they found that his fertility is recovering and having a child is now back on the table. He often exclaims how much happier he is now than ever before and how he didn't believe that any of this was possible for him back then and he only wishes he'd left much sooner.

So, life is short. This is a dead end relationship characterised by her changing the field of play with her totally different life direction and you being left to just sort of deal with it. Sex once a month for the next few years - if you're lucky - what a dismal reality. It seems you are not a priority in your wife's life.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2016 10:49 am
by johnay
Hey Lee I read your post last night and really felt for you. It's obvious that you are a caring and sensitive man and it strikes me that you are trying to be extremely fair in your marriage. But I'm getting the feeling that you are being taken advantage of and arent getting many of the benefits that a partner would expect and want in a marriage. It's fine for your wife to be ambitious and to want to have a bright future but she's not taking you along with her plans I feel. Marriage is a partnership but yours appears to be very one sided. Many caring guys like yourself do suffer with poor self esteem and your wife's behaviour seems to be exacerbating those feelings.

Wanting a child is a primeval urge that many of us men have and I feel deeply for you that your deepest wishes in that regard are being ignored and ultimately unfulfilled...And you're right in that the clock is ticking and some folks fertility doesn't always hold up.

You sound really depressed to me and I think you need some help before things worsen if I'm honest. You really don't have to go on anti depressants if you don't want to but the time has come for you to either pluck up the courage to really have all this out with your wife or go to serious couples counseling. Your wife is only just starting down this new path and already you have huge issues coping with finding a new place to live and losing your cat.... Plus your non existent sex life is a major problem that I'm sure you're not admitting to fully. A healthy partnership involves having a physical and sexual closeness. You are still young and I imagine you must feel increasingly frustrated in many ways. I'm in my 60s and would find it difficult to have a sexless marriage so I can't imagine how you're dealing with it. It's obviously knocking your self esteem big time and I'm not surprised.. Most folks of either gender like to be fancied and just basically wanted...It's time to lay your cards on the table....You need and must expect to be treated like aloved and appreciated partner. Surely your wife must see that you are down and she must realise that she has to deal with this as much as you do. If she's not prepared to compromise and acknowledge that there are problems then maybe it is time as Tarantula says to question whether your marriage is the right place for YOU anymore..

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2016 12:30 pm
by Lee R
Hey Johnay/Tarantula

Firstly cheers for your replies

Divorce at the moment ultimately I am not even entertaining - despite how I feel at times (and its not all the time I feel like this which is the thing that gets to me it just crops up every so often) I would be breaking a promise I made to myself, and indeed my wife, and ultimately it wouldn't make me feel better anyway - while I appreciate the sentiments about how its not too late for me to start again having to start again mean I wouldn't be having a child anytime soon anyway (if at all) and would feel lonelier than I already (at times) feel - plus fact that I am 37 yo male who didn't lose virginity until 25 and didn't have real experience until I met my wife (in Nov 09) this was in part due to fact I was sensible in waiting for right one but also that I had such a low confidence that I never had any luck with women - that probably explains why I feel I am so rubbish at sex - I guess the one option I have left is to buy some Viagra

I do love my wife very much, and she assures me the same - hence why I don't just want to give up without a fight

There are other reasons to - if we did go down that route A) I wouldn't have a car as both ours are on finance plans in her name (I pay for one) and B) we had an inheritance from my late granddad earlier this year of x thousands which I put in an ISA in my name (but gave her access to) she found one with her bank with higher interest rate so we agreed to transfer it - she has told me I can access it but again I don't want to risk losing that

And ultimately don't want to lose her - I fully support her college/uni plans, and genuinely understand her reasons for it - and we've both said how its going to be a tough 3 years or so (ie from when her college started in sep and then 2 uni years)

I guess if I was to ultimately get fertility tested myself and knew I was OK then that would ease my worries somewhat - my wife did have PCOS but following both of our weight losses (7 stone for her and 4 for me) in last 18 months that's apparently reversed - although I suppose main reasons for my panic are age (likely to be past 40 before we actively try for baby) and what I have stated before about wanting to be better than my biological dad ever was

Does my wife know I am down - yes I think she does, and I suspect she knows at least some of why because she knows how much things mean to me - but typical me I am not putting myself first, don't really want to have it out (so to speak) because she doesn't need the distraction from her college work/uni plans - hence I just pretend I'm OK - I would admit to myself I have to do something to help myself, ie look into individual counselling at the very least as that may help me deal with these sort of mood slumps (when they come) in a better way

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2016 2:03 pm
by johnay
Somehow Lee I thought you might feel this way and want your marriage to succeed and be in a better place than it is at the moment. It's normal in a marriage to have your ups and downs and I say this after 41 years in my own. As I've noticed you want to be supportive of your wife in her career plans and as a man that also believes in equality I think you are right. I admire you for moving forward with these plans that you have and you seem a very supportive partner.. As for the fertility I'm afraid that it is a very individual thing but I doubt that you will have any underlying problems yourself and hopefully your wife might be okay to try for a baby at 40 or IVF if she not. It's all possible but I agree in that I personally wouldn't want to leave things that long...

Your self esteem issues are troubling for you in a number of areas though aren't they? You've lost a load of weight and good for you. I can give quite a boost to your libido when you get healthier I know as I lost quite a bit of weight when I was in my 20s. But it should be giving you more confidence really and its not all about experience either.. We all have to start somewhere but there are many men the same as you myself included that married our first love and are still married to the only woman we've had sex with. The lack of experience can make you feel rubbish at sex at times but it's like anything else if you don't do it you won't improve.. I'm not very good at talking about sex or sexual needs with my wife and know it can be rather painful or embarrassing especially if you are both quieter or more shy in that area but sometimes it has to be done.. A few drinks and a frank few sentences can work. Other times just a few subtle hints or suggestions can be the way forward. Or having the expectation that you make love on a certain day/night of the week come what may. Loving touches and teasing exchanges can show a lady that her man wants her and asking her to come to bed at the same time means the opportunity is there...i would say Viagra is definitely not the answer but a lot of foreplay is.. if the condom issue persists you both can have a great time without any penetration until you both feel more relaxed about contraception etc. Believe me though if you don't work at this now then its going to be much harder to get things back on an even keel months or years down the line.
lLee you don't need to put yourself first but you do need to express your needs and expectations from your marriage. You need to stop pretending and let her know how you are feeling. You need to feel special just like anyone else... Let her know that and to know how much you give to her... Marriage should be a partnership and we all need support at times and let's face us men need and want sex too. It's not unreasonable to state that. I hope maybe you could get some counselling together so that these issues are expressed for both of you to hear...Your mood slumps won't be like this if you are both working together and pulling in the same direction.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2016 4:39 pm
by Tarantula
Well, I hardly expected you to say 'F it, you're right, I don't want to live like this anymore so I'm gonna tell her, I will, that if things don't improve then I'm done. I'm starting over. I'm gonna live for ME from now on, just like everybody else is ultimately out for themselves and that's not inherently a bad way to be. I've compromised enough, the time has come for action and, if need be, to end the relationship and be a free man with a clean slate and the world of opportunity before him. '

No, I did not expect my one anonymous post on a forum to have that effect. But. The fact that you even mention cars or money when a divorce is suggested tells me where your relationship is at, and it's not good. You're not living, you're just waiting to die. You've got to take definitive action if you want things to improve - or do you think everything will get better all by itself?

I hope that you will not look back on this post in five years time, be in exactly the same situation or worse, and ask yourself 'why didn't I just get on with it.'

You gotta go deep and ask yourself where all this low self esteem is coming from. Why do you think you don't deserve a happy, sexually fulfilling relationship? Don't tell me you do think you deserve it. Were that the case, you'd know your value and accept that this stale mate situation isn't good enough for you. Maybe for some other shmuck, but not you.

Life is short. And from her point of view, she isn't happy either - trust me. If it ain't working for one person, it ain't working for the other. And I don't wanna put false ideas in your head here, but if she's spending loads of time away, and you're leading separate lives, and you aren't happy together but are both too scared to leave because comfy slippers, then well... sooner or later...