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Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2016 7:02 am
by David020549

I did see your post back in July but decided not to comment because my thoughts were quite negative and I don't like being negative unless the situation is irretrievable, as there are now others posting that way here is my two penny worth.

Your wife's words " go and find yourself a scragg on benefits and knock out a couple of kids " are very telling, these are not the words of a woman who intends to have children. She seem to me to be set on a carreer path, enjoys the income or the promise of money rather than having kids and being "skint" as she sees it, she has decided her path for the time being and you are not going to change that.

There is plenty of time for you to have children either with your wife or another younger woman so you have 2 choices, either decide to stick with your wife and stop hassling her about kids for say 5 years and see what happens, or leave her now and find a woman who does want children. I do think that you marrying her with a reasonable expectation of children has been frustrated by her taking up a career, when she could have had children first when her fertility is more certain then started a career.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2017 5:05 pm
by Lee R
Hi folks

It has been a fair old while since I posted on here, and 11 months since I first posted

So have things improved.......not really the condoms still remain unopened as I don't have any enthusiasm/drive whatsoever to even try using them and when she is on TOTM shes either too poorly with the symptoms that brings or is on night shifts, shes actually on it as we speak but don't feel enthused - because am worried about flopping (as have frequently done over the years) I just suck at sex I think - toyed constantly with buying Viagra online

I can at least say I do satisfy her with oral (am good at it so she says)

She is on verge of securing uni place - of course pleased for her, though during a heated argument last week (so much so she removed me from facebook and removed relationship status) she kept saying had I let her go to uni back in 2011/2012 we would be having family now - in other words feel like I am being punished

I have also found out I am losing my job through redundancy in Jan 18 (granted payoff will be good) but its a place where I have made great friends and at times feel happier at work than at home

its all been brought to a head now as A) her cousin and partner are due their little girl in week or 2 and B) brother in law and his wife approaching 3 months pregnant - just ramps up the whole jealous feeling I have of a lot of people (had that most of my life) feel like its OK for others to have perfect little lovelives and good things but I'm not allowed - I feel like I no longer want to go to family gatherings on her side ie coz its rubbing my nose in it knowing its something I badly want and am rapidly giving up hope its ever going to happen for me - i'd either do this by feigning illness (as suffer from migraines) or just openly say to my wife that I don't want to go coz way conversations will go is, babies, then uni, meaning I just feel the same old life is sh*t whats the point

In truth I have tried to put off going to docs and going back onto anti depressants (was on them some 8 or 9 years back before I met my wife) and in truth I am struggling to feel positive, this morning it was such an effort for me to even get dressed sat there staring into space on sofa for about 20 mins (wife was asleep) so feel now have no other option or else I will lose everything - we don't live anywhere near my family but are round corner from hers so not like I can turn to them or talk to my wife about things and various anxieties kick in like my wife saying I would prob be the part time worker/stay at home parent when time comes (indicating she doesn't want family), or like should the worst case scenario occur (not that I want it to) wouldn't be a solution, not like I could instantly find someone else, while separating - then 2 or 3 years down line I am in my 40's and then its too late - given I have never really had relationship experience aside from her not exactly looking a promising prospect of finding anyone else

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2017 1:09 pm
by snail
Thank you for the update; I have wondered several times how things were going for you.

I do think seeing your GP would be a good idea, as your low mood is making everything so difficult for you. You don't have to go back on the tablets - the GP should be willing to prescribe CBT (mine did for me) and I think this might help you. Counselling would be best but this can be harder to obtain.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2017 2:52 pm
by Lee R
Hi snail

Cheers for your message.

Back in October when my wife referred me through a counselling thing with her work they prescribed CBT and I did it online but to be honest it was a total waste of time as found a lot of the content irrelevant to my situation

So at moment my only ways of coping are to post on here or write in a diary I keep my wife knows none of this I'm debating whether to tell her I'm contemplating going back to GP I try to exercise as much as I can but sometimes she gets funny (or that's how it seems) mind you that's prob just me reading it wrong like I did today with her playing heartbeat recording of brothers baby to be 3 times today I take that as rubbing my nose in then she says in worst case scenario she doesn't ever get pregnant we either adopt or go surrogate route again that just waves red flags with my current state of mind

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2017 6:03 pm
by snail
CBT online or in books is about 10% as effective as talking to a real practitioner in my experience. It's only recommended because it costs nothing.

The exercise will help as well.

I think the things your wife is saying are actually very positive. Your depression is making you view everything in a negative way.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2017 9:48 pm
by bestgirl

I'm also going to be a little negative, so feel free to ignore if that is not what you need right now.

To me it seems that you have personal issues that you could be looking to resolve - maybe insecurity, unresolved father issues for example.

I also believe that the relationship is what is important. In my book, people don't give up a person who is there, for persons that might come in the future. So from my point of view, if you love your partner, you wouldn't consider giving her up for your dream of having children. I know most people would disagree, but I don't think this is logical or natural - it's learnt behaviour. Nobody *needs* a child.

Finally, your gf does not sound sympathetic to you, not enough for you anyhow. It may be that once you have sorted out your own personal psychological issues around this matter, she will be the right girl for you, but right now she sounds as if she is losing patience and she certainly seems to put her own goals first. You probably need to do this too to be with her or you'll be a walkover.

As I said, harsh - so feel free to ignore me, but I felt it needed to be said.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Jun 09, 2017 8:22 pm
by Lee R
Hi bestgirl

Cheers for your reply - I dont see anything negative about it at all - a lot of it makes sense

Anyway an update - I went to GP today and got prescribed Sertraline tablets I think I had to go down the meds route, I also got an organisition to refer myself for an nhs counsellor so we will see if they come back to me

But the big issue is having spent the past 3 or 4 days being loved up with my wife following a talk in which I admitted I was struggling and going to book GP etc (she also said she had been struggling with the baby news of her brother and college work she is finishing prior to uni starting in Sept) we had been all loved up and saying we are in it together

Then comes tonight, where she asks me what I said to GP and when I told her about how I was struggling with the brothers baby news, because of how badly I want to be a Dad one day BAM up go the frosty defences again and I get made to feel the bad guy - I can't win if I dont tell her she thinks I am hiding things, and when I am honest shes gets defensive or upset and turns it round on me - shes on nights tonight and tomorrow so am coping with these feelings on my own, maybe I will have to start getting used to it :-(

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2017 9:06 pm
by snail
Well it's good that you had the loved up bit anyway - shows it's still there.

Maybe give mentioning the baby thing a rest for a while until you see how the meds and counselling are working out. You can avoid mentioning it without actually hiding things - she knows it, so it isn't hiding the fact. Just don't mention it if you can help it. She's probably a bit worn down with it as well.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2017 4:13 pm
by highlandcow
Hi Lee,

I don't have any advice as such but I have recently re-joined PP and have read through your post. I'd just like to say well done for going to see your GP and start on medication as I do feel like you could benefit from it. Have you tried counselling as well? Obviously keep posting here if you need to (it does help to get it out, especially if you're at home alone while your wife is on nights)

I will say as well, slightly on the negative side of things for which I apologise, but it seems to me that your wife could definatley stand to be more supportive of what you're going through. It sounds like she doesn't know the full extent of your feelings, particularly your feelings about not wanting to live anymore (I'm not sure if you still feel like that as I realise that this post was started a year ago). In fact it seems to me that she might have some issues of her own around having kids that she might not be being honest about.

I know I mentioned counselling eariler but perhaps it could be something you could consider going to together if she'd be willing? I think Snail mentioned Relate - maybe see if they can help.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 12:48 pm
by Lee R
Hey all

My first update in about 2 months - and its mixed bag but some positives within thankfully

Firstly me and the wife did manage intercourse a month ago for the first time in a very long time, the following night we even experimented with condoms and am happy to say it worked, missus even said she was proud of me for that (why I don't know)

Anyway other positives are that we have booked a week away in Corfu next month, the week before she starts uni - we are in bad need of a trip abroad as seems everyone else goes on them (the powers of social media)

And have been on Setraline 2 months - its helped my moods but there are still down moments (having one today hence am writing here)

Unfortunately there were negatives during this 2 months

Mainly that my wife found the diary I had been writing in last month in my work bag, needless to say its something she wasn't meant to see as I had written some awful negative stuff in it about how I feel (ie all of whats in the post here) it really upset here and we were on brink because of it, but we came through it and have vowed to stick together

I was meant to have a therapy session (CBT related) over the phone this Monday just gone but the therapist had to pull out because she was unwell so am waiting for it to be rearranged - that's frustrating because I had geared myself up for the session - but hopefully rearranging comes soon

There was also a family meal on her side a couple of weeks back (came the same week as diary kick off) so wasn't looking forward to it as a whole A) because it was first time I had seen bro in law and wife (with baby to be) and B) have lost a ton of respect for mother in law in last 12 months (that story comes another time) as I would have predicted talk was all about wifes college and uni and their baby to be, my anxieties really kicked in and I barley said a word in the hour or 2 we were there (perked up at the end) all I could do was talk about how I am being made redundant again in new year, what with fact I will be job hunting and their baby is due at xmas its making me dread xmas this year big time at the mo - to the point where I have contemplated doing a runner on my own somewhere for the festive period (as wife will be working or wanting to go to the family do)

Even last night she found out another one of her friends is expecting - once again I am in this thought mode that loads of others are having kids and I am not - I spent most of my 20's feeling like this because everyone was coupled up bar me seemingly - I guess at times I am a hopeless cause (or far too sensitive for my own good)

I do try to get the mentality of forget about others and focus on my/our lives but that's easier said than done - maybe the therapy can assist I don't know :-(

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 2:26 pm
by Tarantula
Hi Lee

I'm sorry to hear that your situation essentially hasn't changed from a year ago. Therefore I'm afraid I must stand by my original posts from last year.

I sense that the dynamic of your relationship is very one-sided, because she's the first woman you've been with, and so she's had all the leverage and I think you put her on a pedestal for that. You mentioned you live near her family and not yours, she saw fit to change the agreement regarding having children when it suited her and now, the bad bit, treats you frostily for being upset about her U-turn. And this whole only having sex when she's on the bleed thing? Yikes.

I think you're just settling for each other because you're there and it's comfy and you're scared of change and you don't think you can do better. But this kid situation is not going to change; she is most likely NEVER going to want to have children with you!!! Can you stomach it? Bestgirl is right, no one needs to have kids. No one needs to settle for a sexless and one-sided marriage either. Ok you said some vows, but that shouldn't consign you to a lifetime of misery, and that's what you're ending up with.

Yes, you'll have your better moments together, but all in all, you've become an emotional camel: surviving on one positive emotional/sexual experience for weeks at a time. This isn't life. This is sad and unfortunate.

You have the same choice as you did a whole year of your life ago - time you can never get back: stay, stay miserable overall, convince yourself that you're actually mentally ill instead of stuck in a lifeless relationship, continue to have to grit your teeth and smile at every family occasion with babies everywhere, and settle for no sex.

Or you can set yourself free, despite how scary it is, and go for the life you really want, including having a family later down the line with someone who shares the same aspiration as you in that department.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 3:44 pm
by Lee R
Hey Tarantula

Cheers for the reply - appreciate it

You are right when you say that I worry I couldn't do better or find anyone else should the worst happen, that and the fact I probably wouldn't be having child for at least another 2 years (ie wouldn't be able to get into anything relationship or even thinking about trying for baby immediately) by then her uni thing is done - I can't say I haven't thought about ending because I have weighed it up a few times. There are in my mind positive reasons not to though.

The past years events have been largely (though not entirely as my wife admits) down to me - I should have gone to GP and gone on meds for depression long ago - think I've always had it, bio dad was waste of space to me, never made friends easily, was bullied at school, easy target to be used, never had partner, isolated myself and the sertraline has calmed my moods and enhanced down below performance if you get my drift, hence why the condoms worked and that again was largely down to me feeling negative and thinking I wouldn't be able to use them - I ended up wondering why the heck I got so bothered about it for no reason, the pill and implant for her are also on the agenda as we have discussed it a few times because we both miss the lovelife side.

Ultimately the question of whether I could face a life without a child - the answer is no - I would feel my life not worth living without the wife and child/children - that's the genuine truth

She has assured me she wants one when she qualifies and has been in her job a few months to a year (that's 3 years away) and big part of me believes her, but tiny part has doubts

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 3:55 pm
by Tarantula
I think if you're hanging on in hopes that she will want a child once she's qualified, you will end up bitterly disappointed.

Why would she go through all that study to do a career she really wants to do, only for a few months before having a child? It doesn't make sense.

She's drastically changed her mind and gone against what she said in the past. I think she will do so again i.e. she simply does not want to have children and doesn't wanna lay her cards on the table and tell you straight. Better for her to keep it forever at a 'someday' to keep you ticking along.

Aside from the child issue, she does sound somewhat entitled and unsupportive of how all of this is affecting you - when I read the whole picture. You're settling for breadcrumbs and it's tough.

It'll be even tougher in three year's time when guess what - she STILL doesn't want to have children, and your mental wellbeing has deteriorated as a result of all this hanging on and mental gymnastics trying to tell yourself this is enough.

I think you will end up with massive regrets over time wasted.

But I hope I'm wrong about it.

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 8:09 pm
by Lee R
I have the same thoughts re her career as in why would she study for 2 or 3 years then have a baby and be on maternity - but she insists that's the plan, I even said in recent discussion I know its probably 3, 4 or 5 years away but she insists its 3 years that it will happen for us - shes even talked about me possibly being the stay at home parent or one who works part time - something I would happily consider btw of course I wonder about it all as to what the right thing to do is......priority for me personally before the year is out is job hunting coz i'll be made redundant at the end of January so xmas can do one this year quite frankly

Re: Worried I will never have a child

PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2017 2:47 pm
by Lee R
Hi guys

Time for me to post an update of sorts, generally the situation hasn't changed some parts get better then worse, some parts remain the same.

Wife is a few weeks into her uni thing and naturally is excited and busy with it, she spends 3 or 4 long days (8 - 6) at hospital on her placement (with odd trip to uni) then either a 6 or 12 hour shift per weekend. So time together is becoming more seldom, particularly as at the end of her stint of shifts shes usually quite tired so we have early nights more often than not.

Events this week have kind of come to a head in a sense as thought we were on verge of breaking up, I've been doing the usual of keeping things bottled up, I let bit of it out yesterday including fact that I didn't want her to go to uni originally because I wanted family first, she said she was relieved to hear me finally admit it. We did have day out shopping and meal yesterday and vowed to fight for marriage (how long it will last I don't know)

The intimacy is still as non existent as ever, basically coz of tensions and only waiting for her TOTM, and the one time a couple of months back we did it on her TOTM it worried her that much she went out and got the morning after pill so I just have the attitude that sex is not allowed and don't even try in that sense, me giving her oral is about the best it gets. This just adds to my unhappiness as it feels like lots of others have perfect sex lives and I feel no end of jealousy of others in that respect (as I have done since my 20's truth be told)

The thing that seriously panics me out is the thought of starting all over again, a non existent experience on the relationship front until I was in my 30's is largely the reason - put it this way if I could relive my life and do things differently by taking my own life now I wouldn't hesitate (of course I know such thing can never happen)

I kind of worry that the anti depressants I am on (sertraline) is not having a positive effect, as they are turning me into someone who is so quiet and clams up (mind you that's always been a weakness of mine) wife even said to me yesterday she thinks I don't need to be on them and don't need counselling but I am planning to stay on the meds until early new year as am dealing with a job redundancy during this time (big positive is I am getting a generous settlement out of this)

but of course xmas approaching brings its own challenges, not least brother in laws child being due on 21/12, mother in law is proposing usual family gathering but to say I am a reluctant attendee of this is an understatement, feel like I would go and hear all about their perfect little lives (even though hes rumoured to have cheated on more than one occasion) about how they have money handed to them on a plate as his wifes parents are loaded, so they have house and everything - I've seriously contemplated sending anonymous letter to his wife and family to tell them some home truths and what the family really think of her and his alleged cheating (one of which was at our wedding!) another part of me is contemplating just doing a runner away for xmas alone (wife will prob be working xmas eve) and staying in hotel alone for couple of days so no one knows where I am, but that wont solve anything, especially as we have bought each other some xmas gifts (even though coz of finance and uni situation I told her we shouldn't bother but she insisted)

I also have an overwhelming urge to write to my biological dad with an abusive letter or message because I blame a lot of my issues on him, or finding out who his now 3rd wife is and telling her some home truths about what her old man is really like, but while that may release anger it will just mean I stoop down to his level, and I am the better person (not perfect and don't claim to be)

It's tipped me over the edge today hearing story on radio news and its in one of the papers today about how there is suddenly focus on men who are depressed because they are broody and childless from their 20's or 30's onwards makes me realise I am not so much of a freak for my family desires after all but just hammers home reminder.

wife did assure me again yesterday that she wants one in future - but do I 100% believe her NO, and do I believe I have a chance of happiness elsewhere with someone else NO

sorry for the ramble - I just didn't know where else to go