A few niggly relationship problems

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A few niggly relationship problems

Post by dawolf » Sat Jun 04, 2016 12:52 pm

Hi all. Haven't posted here for a good while. I've been with my girlfriend for about 9 months or so and things are generally going pretty well. We're both mid-30's and are very similar in our personalities and like virtually all the same types of things. She has her own house with a mortgage and I live with my mum and her partner, I'm on the mortgage with my mum and we currently pay half each on this.
I've been spending every weekend plus 1-2 nights a week at my girlfriend's. Bear in mind I've been single for much of the last 8 years or so and I've been used to spending time on my own and having a lot of independence. My girlfriend says she is also independent but she appears to want to spend lots of time with me which is nice, it's just that I find it can be intense at times and feel like I need some space. Even if it's only a couple of hours doing something on my own or popping out for a drive. I've explained this to her a couple of times but she becomes quite defensive, upset and thinks I don't want to be with her. She said that a previous guy was with her for about 6 years and then one day he had a breakdown and just walked out on her. This has probably had an effect on her.
I do love her and care about her very much and I think she could possibly be 'the one' for me. I just worry because it's clear she wants things to move on quicker than I do. She's spoken to me already about when I'll be moving in and she said she would like me to go onto the mortgage with her fairly soon as it will make us more like a 'couple'. I've said that I'll probably move in sometime in the Autumn which she is reasonably happy about. It just all feels a bit quick, 9 months to me isn't that long. Maybe I'm getting cold feet slightly about moving in with her, I don't know. I'm a loyal guy but I just like to take my time and work out if we really are compatible.

What do others think about the situation? Do you think we can work through things?


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Re: A few niggly relationship problems

Post by snail » Sat Jun 04, 2016 6:38 pm

I've experienced similar issues with my boyfriend. It's difficult because I love him to pieces and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but needing personal space or to take big changes more slowly even though you're totally committed is rather like needing food or drink - it's something that can't be denied or changed, or at least not without extreme discomfort and probably longer-term problems. What I have done is, I have compromised on absolutely everything that I reasonably can (some changes are easier to make than others and you will know what those are for you), and I haven't compromised on anything that I feel is really essential to my well-being. In these cases I have simply put up with my partner's reproaches, acknowledged that it's difficult for him and that I understand that but I have to be like I am, and re-iterated my love and commitment at every opportunity in order to help soothe any fear that might arise. This seems to have worked well for me.

I also feel that 9 months is a bit quick. It's not necessarily that that isn't enough time to know if she's the one, it's more that it makes adjusting to moving in that much harder and makes you more likely to panic when you have your first big row and think 'what have I done?' etc. Over a year is better I think. But it still may be that that is the best option in your situation, if you have promised that you will move in at that point.
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Re: A few niggly relationship problems

Post by David020549 » Sun Jun 05, 2016 7:44 am

Independence gets in the way of a great many relationships and to make it work you both are going to have to compromise, at mid thirties you need to decide wether to settle on a permanent partner or live the bachelor lifestyle, she has decided and wants you to be that partner.

That is not likely to mean doing everything together because the risk of stifleing each other is very high, over the years you may do most things together but too much too soon will cause problems. Snail seems to have got a good balance and most long term couples I know have that "balance", usually the man leads the relationship and the woman is only assertive on important issues. Having said that there are relationships where the woman leads, these days there are many high earning or high profile women who take the lead, one thing for sure thinking independant doesn't work. You say your personalities are similar, great, but if that means you both have strong and assertive opinions one of you will have to change.

9 months is quite quick but from your girlfriends point of view, her 6 yr relationship failed and she does not want to commit several years again, also at mid thirties maybe kids are on her mind. The way she has been defensive about your commitment caution seems clumsy to me, women are usually subtle in their ways but maybe you have not reacted to those overtures.

As you already are paying into a mortgage with mum joining your girlfriend in hers is probably a bad idea, leave the financial arrangements as they are for now, by all means contribute cash if you want to show your commitment.
I think you should have a serious heart to heart and thrash out the independence and compromise issues, assuming that goes well move in without delay.

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